Lead Me, Guide Me
There is a children’s song that has lines in the chorus:
“Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do to live with Him someday.” (I Am a Child of God)
Finding ways to lead and guide children is the goal of parents in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons). When kids aren’t behaving in the way we’d like, sometimes we feel less like leading and guiding and more like pushing, pulling or forcing. But this is not the way shown to us by the Savior, Jesus Christ.
The example of the Savior was one of mentoring leadership, selfless service and gentle persuasion.
I read a great book recently called Nudge; a book that discusses choice. The book shows that people need to make choices, but also understands that they can be influenced and led in positive directions to choose good things. The authors understand human nature and know that people can be fallible.
“Drawing on some well-established findings in social science, we show that in many cases, individuals make pretty bad decisions – decisions they would not have made if they had paid full attention and possessed complete information, unlimited cognitive abilities, and complete self-control.” (Nudge, Thaler and Sunstein, Yale University Press, 2008)
In the book, they talk about how those in leadership positions can create an architecture of choice around those they lead. Their followers can be nudged in the right direction. As parents, we are “choice architects” for our children. We can lead, guide and nudge using these principles, which are consistent with the teachings of Jesus Christ. He respected people’s ability to choose, but still said with confidence, “Follow me.” (Matthew 4:19)
Twelfth President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Spencer W. Kimball, described the leadership principles exemplified by the Savior:
“Fixed Principles:
Jesus knew who he was and why he was here on this planet. That meant he could lead from strength rather than from uncertainty or weakness. Jesus operated from a base of fixed principles or truths rather than making up the rules as he went along. Thus, his leadership style was not only correct, but also constant.Understanding Others
Jesus was a listening leader. Because he loved others with a perfect love, he listened without being condescending. A great leader listens not only to others, but also to his conscience and to the promptings of God.Selfless Leadership
The Savior’s leadership was selfless. He put himself and his own needs second and ministered to others beyond the call of duty, tirelessly, lovingly, effectively. So many of the problems in the world today spring from selfishness and self-centeredness in which too many make harsh demands of life and others in order to meet their demands.Jesus’ leadership emphasized the importance of being discerning with regard to others, without seeking to control them.
Responsibility
Jesus knew how to involve his disciples in the process of life. He gave them important and specific things to do for their development. Jesus trusts his followers enough to share his work with them so that they can grow. That is one of the greatest lessons of his leadership.Accountability
Jesus knew how to involve his disciples in the process of life. He gave them important and specific things to do for their development. Jesus trusts his followers enough to share his work with them so that they can grow. That is one of the greatest lessons of his leadership.” (Spencer W. Kimball, “Jesus: The Perfect Leader,” Tambuli, Aug 1983, 7)
Jesus Christ is the leader we should follow as we work to lead our children back to our Father in Heaven. We can follow His great example of a willingness to serve (Matthew 20:28 and Matthew 23:11). We can know that we have a great stewardship to teach our children, but still be humble in our teaching. (Matthew 23:12)
Like the song says, we can lead, guide and walk beside our children as we show them by our example the way of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
Building a Masterpiece
Our family is in the planning stages of building a home. Since we remodeled our current home a few years ago, we have half an idea of what to expect. We are sure it will be exciting, but equally overwhelming. Every day a contractor will come to the job with the tools needed to perform his work. With the right tool and the skill to use it, they can create something lasting and beautiful.
The actual building work is horribly messy and loud. We know that we’ll step through danger zones, climb over piles of material and walk through dust-covered rooms to see bits of progress here and there. The buzz of the saw or pounding of the hammer is usually constant. There will be mistakes that will have to be corrected, pulled out and re-built. Delays are inevitable and most projects wind up behind schedule and over budget. From a shell, the home slowly begins to take shape. If it is constructed with solid materials using the right tools and the right skills, the finished product can be a masterpiece.
Mothers and fathers are building masterpieces of their own. Every day they work together to help build the human family – to raise children into moral, hard-working, smart, talented and loving people.
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, (known as the Mormons), the Church leadership wrote a “Proclamation To the World” about the family to state the importance of this sacred responsibility:
“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, 1995)
Mom and Dad as builders each have jobs to do but may need different tools and different skills to build their part of the structure.
“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, 1995)
So how do Mom and Dad get the right tools and the skill to use them?
I can’t speak for the fathers, but being a mother, I know that I am in great need of certain tools: I need the tool of teaching, listening, and evaluating progress. I need the tool of increased patience, and an understanding of what motivates a toddler or teenager. I need the ability to correct someone while ensuring they know they are loved. I need to know when to get involved and when to pull back. I need the tool of good example, because all eyes are watching (all the time). I need a selfless heart, ready to support and lift others. I know that I’ll need to use a different tool with a different child.
No matter what your background, every parent has gaps in their parenting abilities. There will always be a tool or skill I am missing and know I need, but don’t have. Whether we had great parenting mentoring or none at all, we are always learning new things as parents.
In my search, I’ve found that one of the best resources to gain the tools and skills for this construction project are the scriptures. In the words of apostle Henry B. Eyring,
“Often the answers will come as you study the scriptures. They contain accounts of what the Lord did in His mortal ministry and the guidance He has given His servants. They have doctrine in them which will apply in every time and every situation. Pondering the scriptures will lead you to ask the right questions in prayer. And just as surely as the heavens were opened to Joseph Smith after he pondered the scriptures in faith, God will answer your prayers and He will lead you by the hand.” (Henry B. Eyring, “Rise to Your Call,” Liahona, Nov 2002, 75–78)
Our learning as parents is line upon line, precept upon precept (Isaiah 28:10). We don’t learn it in a day, but over a long period of time and usually through hard experience!
Another way to add to our toolset is prayer. A mother I know was having trouble with her teenage son. She was out of ideas and didn’t know what else to do. She prayed about it and her answer was a complete surprise. She was counseled through prayer to be nice to his friends – to talk to them when they came over and feed them when her son was entertaining them at her house. She said it was something she would have never thought of, but tried it. Because she built the relationship with her son’s friends, she strengthen the relationship with her son. This simple piece of counsel solved her problem.
The construction of a human life is indeed messy, hard work. In this hard-hat area we call family life, we may need to re-frame something that we’ve built that is unstable. We will have to be careful where we step. It will take time to step back and see the frame slowly take shape. We will need to periodically check the blueprints and renderings to remind ourselves what the finished product should look like, and that it is worth the expense in time and sacrifice. Our Creator has given us the grand opportunity to help create and build this human life. We are starting with first-rate materials! He will surely support us in the worthy work of caring for His spirit children. In the end, our foundation can be strong and our tools and skills ready for the task at hand.With His help and endowed with this miraculous power, mothers and fathers will have helped to construct a living masterpiece.
The Self-Governing Child
It is every parent’s dream to have a child that self-governs – one who makes good and correct decisions when choices are put in front of them. Is it just a dream or can it become a reality? Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons) believe it can.
Parents in the Church are counseled to teach their children “correct principles and let them govern themselves.” (Joseph Smith, as quoted by John Taylor in Millennial Star, 13:339.)
Self-governance? This free-sounding approach may give some parents a panic attack. (What? I just watched my child walk into the middle of the street. Yesterday he refused to eat his vegetables. Tomorrow I know he will hit his brother when I am not around. My child hardly appears ready to self-govern!)
But gospel principles are not about the child making just any choice, they are about a child learning how to develop the skills and the conscience to make wise and good choices.
Our son had half-heartedly agreed to help another Boy Scout with his Eagle Project. He mentioned the project to my husband and me, but noted that none of the other boys were going to help and that he didn’t want to go. The project involved getting up at 7:30 on a Saturday morning and digging trails for 4 hours on a hot summer day. For the boy to finish the Eagle project, he had to have a team of people helping.
Saturday morning came, although we had forgotten about the event. His Scout leader called at 7:25 a.m. to say he was on his way over. My husband went to wake our son (who is not a morning person). He let our son know that the scoutmaster was on his way. Our son promptly pulled the covers over his head and announced there was no way he was going. The Scout law popped into my husband’s mind and he kindly recited, “A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.” He left the room, went upstairs, prepared a bowl of cereal and a bottle of ice water for our son. Five minutes later, our son came upstairs, dressed and ready to go.
This hallelujah parenting moment was a stand-out experience for us. It was one of those times that confirmed that the hard work we were doing was working, even just a bit. (I have to confess I’m glad I was not the one answering the phone that morning!)
Church apostle Boyd K. Packer explains: “When one understands the gospel, it becomes very clear that the best control is self-control.” (Boyd K. Packer, “Agency and Control,” Ensign, May 1983, 66)
But how can parents help their child make the transition over time to become self-governing? We can’t control them. We can’t be with our children always as they go to school, play with friends and eventually move out to begin their own adult lives. It won’t happen in a day, but if there are three principles at work, a child can learn to govern themselves.
We Can Teach Truth
“Children do not learn by themselves how to distinguish right from wrong. Parents have to determine the child’s readiness to assume responsibility. … While we are teaching them, we have the responsibility to discipline them and to see that they do what is right. If a child is besmudged with dirt, we do not let him wait until he grows up to decide whether or not he will bathe. We do not let him wait to decide whether or not he will take his medicine when sick, or go to school or to church. …
“Parents also should teach their children early in life the glorious concept and fact that they are spirit children of God, and choosing to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ is the only way to enjoy success and happiness here and eternal life hereafter. They must be taught that Satan is real and that he will use all agencies at his disposal to tempt them to do wrong, to lead them astray, make them his captives, and keep them from the supreme happiness and exaltation they could otherwise enjoy” (Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God, Deseret Book, N. Eldon Tanner [1973], 87).
We must teach truth. The scriptures tell us we are responsible for teaching and correcting our children and will be accountable for doing or not doing it.
For I have told him that I will judge his house for ever for the iniquity which he knoweth; because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not. (1 Samuel 3:13)
We teach through lessons and we teach as opportunities present themselves. Mostly, we teach by example.
We Can Give Opportunities to Choose
Even for the youngest of children, we can allow choices that are age-appropriate. When we give choice, we may need to hold our breath and step back to give the child a chance to see how the choice played out without prematurely stepping in to evaluate, correct, or pronounce a consequence.
“For the first part of childhood, the most important task for children is obedience, learning to follow parental advice very strictly. However, as children grow older, they gradually must pay more attention to the task of learning to act independently. In the beginning, parents personally show three-year-old children exactly when and where to cross the street. Such guidance at age fourteen is seldom appropriate. In fact, if adolescents do not eventually pay more attention to this second task, they become in a real sense crippled, continually dependent on parents to make their decisions.” Donald K. Jarvis, “Leaving Eden: A Lesson for Parents,” Ensign, Feb 1991, 39
I believe in accountability and consequences, but I have noticed that if I give swift rewards or punishments after my children make a choice, I have not really given them the opportunity to choose. I have short-circuited the choice process by not allowing time for the child to evaluate the outcome for themselves. An immediate treat or time out conditions their behavior but encourages me-centered thinking. They are not concerned with doing the “right thing”. They are thinking about how the reward or punishment affects them (good or bad for me?). I may be conditioning behavior, but I am not helping them develop their conscience.
We Can Hold Children Accountable
“We try to guide our children toward self-respect … and mostly leave it up to them to judge themselves. We have experienced the fact that one is not as good a teacher when one discovers and points out mistakes … as when one helps a child to discover for himself that he is doing wrong. When a child can comprehend his mistakes himself, the first step to change has already been taken.
“I remember once how we asked our son, after a transgression, to set his own punishment. He decided that he should not be allowed to watch television for one month. That seemed to us to be considerably too severe, but how happy we were to hear from his grandmother that while visiting her he had insisted she was wrong to encourage him to watch a certain television program, even though his parents would never know. I don’t think there can be a greater joy for parents than to see a child handle himself well in a difficult situation” F. Enzio Busche, “‘Provoke Not Your Children’,” Ensign, Mar 1976, 41)
At times, our children may need direct or pointed correction. The scriptures help us to see it can be done in a positive way:
“Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death. (D&C 124:43-44 )
We can follow it up with love and encouragement for their progress, so the correction doesn’t become mere criticism. Our children can know we have their best interests in mind. They can know we love them and want them to succeed.
Self-control is tough to achieve and may take years to develop. Since I am still working on this goal, I can have patience with my own children who are 30 years or so behind me. Hopefully, my children can get there with parents who teach truth, follow-through and love unconditionally.
Secrets of Content Mothers
I started working when I was 14 years old. Unlike any part or full time job I’ve ever had, motherhood is a completely unique occupation.
Most mothers know that their work is important. Of course it is. It is a basic belief of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons) that mothering matters deeply.
“We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)
So why is contentment in mothering such a rare commodity in today’s world? On a radio show, I hear a TV producer say that she would go completely crazy if she had to stay home full-time with her kids. Another friend’s husband jokes that his wife needs to get back to work after the birth of their second child to “do her part” to support the family. A neighbor says she looks forward to going back to work on Monday because the weekend with her young children is so exhausting. A friend repeats the oft-heard question, “But what about YOU?” implying that mothering isn’t personally rewarding. It’s true that the laundry pile and meal preparation can feel tedious. And some days I wonder if I’ve made a difference taking my son to cello or if my daughter really cares who makes her a sandwich. Finding a rare moment to myself usually involves locking the bathroom door (often to hear pounding on the other side). Yes, becoming a content mother can be a true struggle.
But I know mothers who are content. They do not live problem-free or perfect lives, but they are happy, satisfied and joyful. They take satisfaction and pride in their work. They are confident and at peace with their choices. I want to know their secrets because I want to love being a mother. I want to feel content and fulfilled while I’m living every busy minute of mothering. I have watched and tried to learn from the wise mothers around me. So far, I have uncovered four secrets that only content mothers seem to know:
Secret #1 – Content mothers know what they do
A CEO describing his job would say, “I run a corporation.” He would not sheepishly answer, “Well, I answered a lot of email today.” Content mothers know that they are co-partners that create, sustain and develop human life. There is magnificence, power and eternal glory in this statement. Our first mother, Eve, was hailed as the “mother of all living”. (Genesis 3:20)
Without mothers, creation of all living ceases. Our Creator gives us the privilege of creating the most renewable, the most vital, the most productive and the most regenerating resource on earth: human life. He graciously gives most of the human family this opportunity to share His creative power. He does not ask us to pass a test, earn more than 50K per year or have a Bachelor’s degree to be a mother. He gives this honor and gift freely, wanting most of His children to participate in the creative process. And because He gives it so freely, it seems common. We easily forget its miraculous significance.
Content mothers know that human hands can create art, buildings, and businesses, but mothers build a human life at its core. Both parents teach, but our Father in Heaven has designated mothers to be special teachers in the lives of their children.
“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”(The Family: A Proclamation to the World)
With unique nurturing abilities, a mother’s daily influence teaches a child to speak, read, eat, love, listen, share, work, and act with integrity. We teach respect of self, of others and of property. We teach basic beliefs about religion, ethics, self-perception, and how to find happiness.
Content mothers know that we can fix a broken bridge after an earthquake, re-start a failed business, or re-paint a work of art if it gets damaged. But once we build our human family, we cannot re-create it or recapture our time. Our early work is permanent and not easily repaired. We have created a living, vibrant being from the ground up and the impact of our work is multi-generational. Once our children are grown, what we have done during the teaching years is in their hearts and minds forever.
Content mothers believe the words of 9th LDS Church President, David O. McKay:
“The home is the first and most effective place for children to learn the lessons of life: truth, honor, virtue, self-control; the value of education, honest work, and the purpose and privilege of life. Nothing can take the place of home in rearing and teaching children, and no other success can compensate for failure in the home.” (Family Home Evening Manual 1968–69, p. iii.)
When mothers really understand the significance and impact of what they do, they are quietly confident. They know that they are a moral leavening agent, lifting others around them. They are content because what they do matters immensely. Mothers have created the foundation for the human experience.
“When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses?” (Neal A. Maxwell, “The Women of God,” Ensign, May 1978, 10)
Secret #2 – Content mothers don’t compare
Content mothers know that comparing brings despair. Looking at the mother next door will always make us feel that our life is not exciting enough, or personally enriching enough or financially rewarding enough. We will never be “enough” when we compare.
Content mothers do not try to “outdo” other mothers. They know that comparisons are at the core of pride.
“Pride is essentially competitive in nature….Would we not do well to have the pleasing of God as our motive rather than to try to elevate ourselves above our brother and outdo another? (Ezra Taft Benson, “Beware of Pride,” Ensign, May 1989, 4)
Content mothers feel the natural pull of comparisons, but consciously reject them. In daily life, they avoid the common mistake of using business standards to compare or measure their value. Jobs make measuring “results” easy. The business world values revenues achieved, products manufactured, efficiencies gained.
When mother come from the work environment into the home to raise children, it can be easy to try to compare mothering value to business values – they are measurements we already know. But business metrics cannot capture the value created by mothering. Mothering measures service rendered, love given, time spent, relationships forged. Content mothers know that results can take time to measure. Mothering has a here-and-now impact on the human family in breadth, depth and length while also extending to the eternities.
“After all, to do well those things which God ordained to be the common lot of all man-kind, is the truest greatness. To be a successful father or a successful mother is greater than to be a successful general or a successful statesman.” Success in an occupation—even a lofty one—is only temporary, President Smith concluded, whereas success as a parent is “universal and eternal greatness.” (Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1939, p. 285.)
I once asked my sister how she measured her mothering success when she could not guarantee how her children would turn out. She answered simply, “I measure my success by how I am becoming more like the Savior, Jesus Christ every day.” My sister is a content mother who doesn’t compare.
Secret #3 – Content mothers know the basics
Content mothers know that fatigue and hunger make both kids and moms cry. They know that sleep, diet and exercise must be a priority to function (at all).
In their families’ schedule, they follow the advice of apostle Elder Dallin H. Oaks to prioritize and be wise in their scheduling choices.
“We should begin by recognizing the reality that just because something is good is not a sufficient reason for doing it. The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives.” (Dallin H. Oaks, “Good, Better, Best,” Liahona, Nov 2007, 104–8)
They know they cannot “run faster than they have strength.” (Mosiah 4:27)
Secret #4 – Content mothers know what brings happiness
Content mothers reject the loud and constant cry of the world that personal fulfillment comes through work or projects outside of the home. They know that there are enough circumstances (death or illness of a spouse, divorce, economic hardship, etc.) that will require outside work. Extra support from family members and God is required for these mothers who have an added burden. They know that outside care may be a necessity, but they do not fool themselves into thinking that outside caregivers can offer the same level of care, development and love that they can.
Content mothers continue to educate themselves. They learn a language, play an instrument, create a web site, write a book, get a degree, teach a class, volunteer, or do a hundred other things. They enjoy and use their talents and bless the lives of their children in the process, but they know when to pull back if their family needs them. They know life is not to be lived in one day.
Content mothers control their days. They know they can ignore the dishes for a week if they want. They can also teach a four-year-old the name of every bone in the body if they want. The knowledge of their autonomy has power, and content mothers know “If it is it be, it’s up to me.”
Content mothers know they need feedback, but they will not see a “mother of the month” plaque in the living room in July. There will not be a bonus in August or a raise in December. They will not ask their children for a performance review unless they want to hear, “Good job, Mom. We want more candy.” Content mothers ask spouses for support and encouragement, but create their own report cards to measure their progress. They use prayer to get feedback and direction from the only source that really matters, a loving Father in Heaven.
Most of all, content mothers follow the example of the Savior, Jesus Christ.
“Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:28)
Like Christ, they know that men and women of true personal greatness give unending service at great personal sacrifice.
These women are smart, savvy and wise. I look to their example and notice that when I bring children to the earth, I have created a legacy. By teaching them, I have learned true and correct principles. By treating them with an increase in love, I have become more Christlike. Through my service, I have begun to refine myself. As a content mother-in-training, I look to the words of 15th LDS Church President, Gordon B. Hinckley for inspiration:
“God bless you, mothers. When all the victories and defeats of men’s efforts are tallied, when the dust of life’s battles begins to settle, when all for which we labor so hard in this world of conquest fades before our eyes, you will be there, you must be there, as the strength for a new generation, the ever-improving onward movement of the race.” (One Bright Shining Hope. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2006 pg 18)
Children in Church
A friend of another faith attended a Sunday service for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons). She was surprised to see (and hear) so many children of all ages in attendance. At her church services, small children were tended in a separate room until the services were over.
We know our children are “an heritage of the LORD…. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them…” (Psalms 127:3-5)
Our quiver and our pew are full, which sometimes brings its own challenges. We’ve had a three-year-old son escape from our pew and run down the aisle with the taunt, “You can’t catch me!” We’ve had hungry, fidgety and crying infants. We’ve had siblings argue over the crayons and paper that were intended to keep them occupied.
So why would we go to church weekly for the last 13 years with children in tow? Our small, wiggly children are asked to sit still during a service that would seem beyond their attention span, but we (and other members of the congregation) are willing to overlook the potential cry of a baby or the occasional whispering chatter of a toddler.
There are four things we hope to teach our children by bringing them to church:
1. Love for our Father in Heaven and the Savior, Jesus Christ
“We want our children in [sacrament meeting]. We also want them to learn reverence, which is a form of love for the Savior. We want our children to understand that this is a worship service for Jesus, where we show him we love him.” ( Report from the 161st Annual General Conference, April 6–7, 1991 W. Mack Lawrence)
By attending church every week and taking the sacrament, we renew the promises and covenants we made at baptism – our way of showing our love to our Savior. When our children are baptized at age 8, they also can renew these covenants each Sunday.
They learn to love the Savior by learning His doctrine. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, there are Sunday classes created just for children, called Primary. They sing songs and have a lesson on a gospel principle. They go to individual classes with lessons targeted for their age. They meet with their families in sacrament meeting, where the sacrament is passed. They learn more about the Savior’s life and teachings. They learn stories from the scriptures. They learn about God’s commandments and His love for His children. They can try to be more like Him because they know Him.
2. Repentance
One day after a particularly rowdy Sunday meeting, my husband gathered the family together to teach the importance of the sacrament. With a jar of clear water, he had the kids add drops of food coloring until the water was black. We talked about how we make mistakes during the week. We work on repentance every day, but on Sunday, we also take the sacrament and renew our baptismal covenants. The kids added bleach and watched the water become clear again. It brought home the purpose of going to church every Sunday – it helps us to repent and move forward.
3. Respect for the Savior and for others
When we teach reverence during church, we teach respect for the sacrament and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The children learn respect for others as they go to Primary classes, listen to speakers, and try to stay quiet so other people in the congregation can enjoy the meeting.
“Worship services are a tremendous opportunity for children to learn about self-control and respect for the rights and needs of others. These sacred gatherings are occasions for all of us to work together to help children learn to feel and desire the ministrations of the Holy Spirit. Then as they grow they will gain a deep, abiding love for the Savior, a love that will sustain them on the strait and narrow path back into His arms.” (Joan Hughes and Helen Hughes, “Teaching Children to Worship,” Ensign, Jan 2007, 24–27)
4. How to Feel the Holy Ghost
We want our children to learn to recognize the feelings and presence of the Holy Ghost.
“Even very small children can experience the beautiful, sacred, tender feelings bestowed by the Holy Spirit, and all children have a need and a right to do so. For our children to feel the Spirit, they need to take part in sacrament meeting and be tranquil enough to sense the whisperings of the still, small voice. It is not always easy, but we can teach our children to “be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10).(Joan Hughes and Helen Hughes, “Teaching Children to Worship,” Ensign, Jan 2007, 24–27)
We are trying to follow Christ, who invited the little children to be with Him.
“And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them. But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them. “(Mark 10:13-16)
Are our children too young to learn these lessons? I don’t think so. Even our 11-month-old folds his arms on his own when we have family prayers. Every Sunday is a drop in the bucket of our child’s experience. My older children show me that bringing them to church, even as babies, was a very good choice. It isn’t easy, but it is worth the effort. We know that if we hang in there, we will be able to say as the apostle John did:
“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.” (3 John 1:4)
In the Thick of Thin Things
It is far too early to be thinking about school starting. I am savoring the summer, enjoying the fact that we still have more to come. I enjoy the longer and slower days and the easing of schedules and responsibilities.
Family vacation gives us distance from our normal life. We take time to talk about what is working well and what needs changing. I am following advice to:
“Find a retreat of peace and quiet where periodically you can ponder and let the Lord establish the direction of your life. Each of us needs to periodically check our bearings and confirm that we are on course…In a quiet moment write down your responses. Analyze them. Make any necessary adjustments. Put first things first. Do the best you can while on earth to have an ideal family.” (Richard G. Scott, First Things First, Conference Report, April 2001, p.
I am not very motivated to think ahead to the business of the kids’ fall schedule, but I know it will come. It will be busy – schedules, responsibilities, homework, sports, lessons, holidays. I know once the train gets moving, it is a hard one to stop. Last year as we raced from one activity to the next, I was over-stressed. I suspected that I was “in the thick of thin things.” (Anonymous)
This year, I wonder: Should I sign my boys up for sports? Should my daughter re-enroll for dance? Should I be willing to drive for an hour to see that my child has an excellent music teacher? All of these things are good, there is no doubt. But will all of these activities allow our family to eat together, play together, work together and learn together?
When my children are too busy, it is easy to skip even the basics – a made bed, a clean room, a chore, a decent meal, sleep, or time to just be together. The activity is good, but it could be preventing us from something better.
My life may be what the prophet Daniel saw when he described the last days: “…many shall run to and fro, and knowledge shall run to and fro, and knowledge shall be increased.” (Daniel 12:4)
I seem to be running to and fro just about every day. Our family has great opportunities to choose from, but just because we can do something doesn’t mean we should.
“We live in a world that is filled with options. If we are not careful, we will find every minute jammed with social events, classes, exercise time, book clubs, scrapbooking, Church callings, music, sports, the Internet, and our favorite TV shows. One mother told me of a time that her children had 29 scheduled commitments every week: music lessons, Scouts, dance, Little League, day camps, soccer, art, and so forth. She felt like a taxi driver. Finally, she called a family meeting and announced, “Something has to go; we have no time to ourselves and no time for each other.” Families need unstructured time when relationships can deepen and real parenting can take place. Take time to listen, to laugh, and to play together.” (M. Russell Ballard, “Daughters of God,” Ensign, May 2008, 108–10)
I got some help prioritizing several months ago. I heard a talk given by Dallin H. Oaks, apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons). He noted that some things are good, some are better and some are best.
“We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and strengthen our families. (Dallin H. Oaks, “Good, Better, Best,” Liahona, Nov 2007, 104–8)
So what is “best”?
The best things are the things that endure forever – our relationships, our service to God and our fellowman, our knowledge and our character.
The best things “…seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;” (Matthew 6:33)
I am coming to the conclusion that less is more. Dance is good, but a daughter who has time to do her homework, practice music, eat at home and get enough sleep may be better. Soccer is good, but doing family chores together on Saturday morning may be better. It will take some thought. We will choose carefully. Hopefully our choices will follow the counsel of the First Presidency of the Church:
“However worthy and appropriate other demands or activities may be, they must not be permitted to displace the divinely-appointed duties that only parents and families can adequately perform.” (First Presidency letter, Feb 11, 1999; printed in Church News, Feb 27, 1999, 3)
Time Out
By virtue of being a mother, I am “on alert” all of the time. In this state of greater awareness, we mothers notice the smallest item on the floor as a potential choking hazard for baby. We keep track of where our children are playing. We are pretty good at the memory game (one shoe is in the basement and the match is under the trampoline). We know the dates for scout camp, the time of the piano lesson and whether our child ate a vegetable today. We are willing hands in the loving care of our children.
But being constantly on alert, concerned and aware can leave our nerves raw and frazzled. Mothers need to take time out. A time out for mothers means three things to me: Time to be holy, time to rest, and time to grow.
Time to Be Holy
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons), time spent focusing on the things of God is one of the most important ways to take time out; to rejuvenate, prioritize, ponder, and become happier.
Prayer is a source of power; the ability to communicate with a loving Father in Heaven who has our best interests in mind. He knows our struggles, talents, and weaknesses. He knows what we are trying to do for our family to support them and love them.
Prayer is the way I share my victories, ideas and inadequacies. My days are better when I begin them with prayer. Prayer sustains me and help me focus on having a productive and purposeful day. My days are best when ended with prayer. I can return and report about what I experienced. I love the description of prayer in the Bible Dictionary:
“As soon as we learn the true relationship in which we stand toward God (namely, God is our Father, and we are his children), then at once prayer becomes natural and instinctive on our part (Matt. 7: 7-11). Many of the so-called difficulties about prayer arise from forgetting this relationship. Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work, and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings.” (Bible Dictionary: Prayer)
If prayer is said to be our way to share our thoughts with God, the word of God (the scriptures) are said to be the way He speaks back to us. They give direction and guidance:
“Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.” (2 Nephi 32:3)
Reading the words of God every day is centering and calming. It reminds us of the truly important things on this earth. The scriptures put prestige, wealth, fame and power into their proper perspective – unimportant and fleeting. They put righteousness, charity, obedience and character in their proper perspective – essential and eternal. (2 Nephi 9:51)
The Sabbath day is another way to take time to be holy. I can’t do without the Sabbath day. When our Creator made the earth, He too rested on the seventh day (Genesis 2:3)
What a perfect time to stop the busy-ness of everyday life to worship our Father in Heaven, re-commit to keep the commandments and remember the atoning sacrifice of our Savior, Jesus Christ. We can worship, rest, spend time with family, recharge and renew for the coming week. Our family chooses not to shop, recreate or pursue entertainment on Sundays. Because of this, we spend the day at home and are able to take time to be still. What a great blessing to be still one day a week in this whirlwind of a world.
Time for Rest
Sleep is a rare commodity in today’s world. Why did we forego this vital element to get ahead and compete in this 24-hour-a-day world? When I stay up too late to get things done in a quiet house, I pay for it the next day with cloudy thinking and low energy. We are counseled to:
“..retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary: arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated.” (D&C 88:124)
There is a good reason for this advice. Our Father in Heaven knows that mothers need time for sleep.
Time to Grow
With days full of service, mothers have to carve out time to become a better person. We want to and need to develop our talents, interests, and our personal relationships. It seems impossible to make the time to do this, but it is needful.
The apostle Russell Ballard gives us counsel:
“…find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children.” (M. Russell Ballard, “Daughters of God,” Ensign, May 2008, 108–10)
I hope our time outs can be planned, worthwhile and renewing. Mothers need the spiritual strength, the sleep and the personal enjoyment to do all we are meant to do and all that we are so good at doing for our children.
With Patience and Longsuffering
I read yesterday of a family with four children who were removed from an airline flight because of their noise and restlessness. One son had autism and a daughter had cerebral palsy. It was the childrens’ first flight. On another flight, a family was removed because their 3-year-old was crying. What surprised me the most about these stories was the enthusiastic “Kick them off and good riddance” chorus in the follow-up commentary.
Of course safety and respect for other passengers is warranted. But I think it shows a general intolerance our society has for anyone who annoys or irritates us.
I believe we are teaching by example the exact opposite of what we want our children to learn and to become. This intolerance is in opposition to the doctrine of Jesus Christ.
In Paul the apostle’s epistle to the Ephesians he encourages the Saints to act:
“With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love;” (Ephesians 4:2)
Paul then teaches the Collosians a similar doctrine:
“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.” (Collosians 3:13)
The author of this doctrine taught by Paul was the Savior, Jesus Christ. Christ had feelings of love and respect for children. They showed through His actions during His ministry.
“And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them. But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.” (Mark 10:13-16)
No doubt when He was teaching, there were children who were excited and fidgety. There were probably some who were wandering around, digging in the dirt with a stick or throwing rocks to while away the time. Some were probably tired or hungry. I am sure there were some who were crying or hanging on their mother’s skirt. He knows that this is who they are and what they do. His patience and love for the children was personal and great. His blessing for the children was not a group blessing, but an individual one for each child.
His example and counsel tells us that patience and forbearance are traits that should be developed. In a confined space with no where to go, airline travel may just be the most perfect place to acquire these traits. Perhaps we ought to “glory in tribulations; also knowing that tribulation worketh patience.” (Romans 5:3)
Children learn most by example. They repeat actions that are done to them. If we want kind and tolerant children, we must first show them kindness and tolerance and live the doctrine taught by the Savior. Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley (15th President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) stated:
“Teach your children goodness. Teach them civility toward others…Let there be taught in the homes of people that we are all children of God, our Eternal Father, and that as surely as there is fatherhood, there can and must be brotherhood. Let there be taught respect for womanhood and manhood. Let every husband speak with respect, kindness, and appreciation for his wife. Let every wife look for and speak of the virtues of her husband…Is this old-fashioned? Of course it is. It is as old as truth itself.” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Four Simple Things to Help Our Families and Our Nations,” Ensign, Sep 1996, 2)
I can teach my own children good manners with love. I can practice patience and long-suffering when a child behind me on a flight kicks my seat or plays with the fold-down tray. When they are grown and airborne, I hope they will show me the same kindness if I snore or talk too much. My family can follow the counsel of Peter, the apostle, to develop a divine nature: through diligence, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness, brotherly kindness and charity. (Peter 1:4-7)
American Idols
The Fourth of July is one of our family’s favorite holidays. It includes a pancake breakfast in the mountains, a parade, a barbecue, homemade ice cream and a “Driveway of Fire” with the family. The celebration is inspiring and meaningful. It is spent with people we love. Across the country, it is what founding father John Adams expected it to be.
“It ought to be commemorated, as the Day of Deliverance by solemn Acts of Devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with Pomp and Parade, with Shews, Games, Sports, Guns, Bells, Bonfires and Illuminations from one End of this Continent to the other from this Time forward forever more.” (The Book of Abigail and John: Selected Letters of the Adams Family, 1762-1784, Harvard University Press, 1975, 142).
Our children love the parade. They love the ice cream and the fireworks. I am glad they love these things. But there is more to love. I want them to love the American heroes who showed true leadership through endurance and sacrifice. I want them to love the liberties of their country and understand how they are “…endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” (Declaration of Independence).
I want them to know that God and Country are inseparable and that their righteousness matters for the good of the United States of America. As John Adams pointed out:
“This pursuit of happiness of man, as well as his dignity consists in virtue.” (Thoughts on Government, John Adams)
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, (known as the Mormons) we believe that the founding of America was inspired and authored by God the Father through the work of these “wise men.” (D&C 101:77-80)
These men are heroes I want my kids to know and appreciate, not because of their great talents and skills (although they have many). I want my children to know their work because they all saw God’s hand in their work. They acknowledged that their “inalienable” rights came from Him. They knew that only a righteous, virtuous society could enjoy the blessings of liberty.
Forget the basketball players or pop stars. These are the real American Idols I want my children to know. They are described well in the inspiring words of America the Beautiful:
“Oh beautiful for heroes proved In liberating strife,
Who more than self their country loved, And mercy more than life!” (America the Beautiful, Katherine Bates, Samuel Ward)
If our children get to know these American heroes, they will be more likely to follow the counsel of Ezra Taft Benson, Secretary of Agriculture for President Eisenhower and 13th President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He said:
“We must…inspire in the lives of our children a love for eternal principles and a desire to seek out honorable men – the best possible – to stand at the head of our political governments, local, state, and federal. Only in this way can we safeguard the liberties which have been vouchsafed to us as our inalienable rights. Unless we do so, we may very easily lose them because of our indifference, because of our failure to exercise our franchise, because we permit men who are unworthy to rise to positions of political power.” (God, Family, Country, Benson, Deseret Book, 1974)
This summer, I want my children to learn the stories of these wise, steadfast, and talented men and women – true American Idols. I want them to study the scriptures that refer to the founding of this great nation. As their knowledge grows, so will their love for country, their gratitude for their Creator, and their desire to preserve the freedom they enjoy.
Children Having Children
I have been awestruck by the recent account in the news of 18 Gloucester High School girls (mostly sophomores) getting pregnant, apparently excited at the prospect of having a baby on their own.
My heart aches for these unborn babies and for the mothers who know so little about what is to come. They offer their babies a life of insecurity and poverty; with an uneducated mother and no father. It is undeniable that these babies deserve more than these children can offer.
It is the world’s current state of morality that prompted the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known as the Mormons) in 1995 to write “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.”
In this sacred document, it states:
“God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife…The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.”
In an age where adults focus on their own rights and needs, true entitlement belongs to the children, who need both a mother and father to give them security, love, and parents who can both support the family economically and be there to tend to the child’s physical, emotional and spiritual needs.
The high school provided in-school day care for girls who already had babies. Pathways for Children CEO Sue Todd noted “that some of the girls involved had been identified as being at risk of becoming teen mothers as early as sixth grade, when they began to request pregnancy tests in middle school. ‘What we’ve seen is the girls fit a certain profile,’ Todd said. ‘They’re socially isolated, and they don’t have the support of their families.’” (Glouster Pregnancy Plot Thickens, Time (online), Kathleen Kingsbury, June 23, 2008)
I heard commentators who were shocked by the situation. But I think we cannot be surprised at children making such decisions when they lack family support, love, instruction, attention and are under bombardment by television, movies, and books with constant messages: Intimacy outside the bonds of marriage is normal, single parenting is a personal choice to be applauded and fathers are optional.
The solution offered by many commenting is to provide birth control to these children. But the expectation is far too low. God the Father expects more. As Paul teaches the Corinthians:
“Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.”
(Corinthians 6:18-20)
Mormon apostle, Elder Jeffrey Holland, explains why sexual sin is so devastating:
“The body is an essential part of the soul. This distinctive and very important Latter-day Saint doctrine underscores why sexual sin is so serious. We declare that one who uses the God-given body of another without divine sanction abuses the very soul of that individual, abuses the central purpose and processes of life, “the very key” to life, as President Boyd K. Packer once called it (“Why Stay Morally Clean,” Ensign, July 1972, 113). In exploiting the body of another—which means exploiting his or her soul—one desecrates the Atonement of Christ, which saved that soul and which makes possible the gift of eternal life. And when one mocks the Son of Righteousness, one steps into a realm of heat hotter and holier than the noonday sun. You cannot do so and not be burned.” (Jeffrey R. Holland, “Personal Purity,” Oct 1998 Conference)
He goes on to describe the symbol of marriage:
“…human intimacy is reserved for a married couple because it is the ultimate symbol of total union, a totality and a union ordained and defined by God. From the Garden of Eden onward, marriage was intended to mean the complete merger of a man and a woman—their hearts, hopes, lives, love, family, future, everything….Can you see the moral schizophrenia that comes from pretending you are one, pretending you have made solemn promises before God, sharing the physical symbols and the physical intimacy of your counterfeit union but then fleeing all other aspects of what was meant to be a total obligation?”
How rare and how magnificent is this message.
I want to put my arms around those girls, not much older than my own daughter. I want to tell them how much they are loved by their Father in Heaven. I want to tell them they are daughters of God and can become more than they can now imagine. They do not have to expect a lower standard for themselves and for their children. They deserve a loving spouse. Their children deserve a loving father. They can have an eternal marriage. It is worth the sacrifice and the wait. The commandments are here for our happiness and eternal joy.
I cry for these children and for their their future children. They both can have so much more.