Man: “You know why I’m leaving—you’re crazy and controlling. I can’t handle it anymore.”

As he yelled these words at me and turned away, I smelled a cloud of pinch-nosed alcohol.

Lady: “Have you been drinking?”

Man: “What? See, like I said, you’re crazy.”

This was the day I discovered my husband’s second secret—alcohol abuse. This was also the day everything changed. I changed. My world turned upside down in the blink of an eye. At least that’s what it felt like. One second, I thought I knew my husband; then, in a flash, I realized I was looking at a stranger.

Because of the events taking place in my marriage, my past traumas were triggered and new ones were created. Every emotion, thought, lie, and story between us rapidly and constantly flew through my mind. What was truth anymore? I felt so lost. I had no idea what was beginning to happen to me.

I’d spent a good part of my life going to therapy to work through my childhood traumas and attachment issues. I thought I was in a good place mentally and emotionally and could sustain anything. I was also a worthy, faithful Christian as well, so why would there be anything wrong with me, right? How could I be the crazy one?

When I discovered the drinking, I was a few months pregnant—hormones raging, sicker than you can imagine, and feeling completely alone. I felt crazy and guess what? He was right. I was crazy and controlling. I had no idea why we were fighting so much, why he isolated himself so much, and why we couldn’t agree on anything. He didn’t feel understood and neither did I because our conversations went in circles. No understanding, no empathy, no safety, no love, no patience, and no validation.

I knew of the word addiction, but I didn’t know it intimately at that time. I didn’t know what it fully looked like, sounded like, felt like, spoke like, or acted like. I knew it was a habit someone developed and had a hard time stopping and I knew it created disconnect, but I didn’t realize everything else it did. Not just to my husband, but also to me.

I couldn’t explain why our conversations went in circles; why I felt there was so much twisting of words and unnecessary blame. Conversations would take place that didn’t make sense. They would jump from topic to topic and at every turn, would miss the opportunity to resolve a conflict or to take accountability. My husband would gaslight any effort or desire to find peace and understanding. Our lives were just crazy.

Emotions were so heightened that I did feel something was wrong with me, but I didn’t know what or understand why. One moment I was happy and content, then the next moment I’d be upset with my kids because they had made minor messes. Cleaning became an obsession. I was so desperately seeking safety but didn’t know it. “Control” was a soft way of putting it, but keep in mind that I was pregnant and other factors played a part in adding stress to the home apart from marital issues.

I’d never heard the words “betrayal trauma” until I discovered them on the internet. In my last article, “Am I Crazy or in Betrayal Trauma?” I explain in detail what betrayal trauma is. Please go back and read that if you haven’t yet, as it will help you better understand this article.

Betrayal trauma can cause a series of emotional and behavioral responses that may negatively affect yourself or others. When in the cycle of betrayal trauma, you may unintentionally cause hurt or add to the disfunction that is already taking place.

These truths spoke so clearly to me and validated all the years of hurt and pain I’d experienced. It didn’t hold me blameless for my behavior, but I finally felt understood. The reality of my situation and what was happening to him and then me finally made sense.

My husband would try to tell me that I suffer from borderline personality disorder instead of validating the pain I was experiencing. His addiction was the focus and daily goal. In order for him to feed the addiction and keep it going, all empathy and understanding was lost. He could not put me or our kids first, or comprehend rational, caring actions long term. Every thought and action had a motive behind it: to do what it took to hide and appear as though he was normal.

He wanted connection so bad but would cause fights in order to have a reason to leave and act out. He wanted to provide security for our family, but couldn’t handle being around for very long. Any financial security was taken as well. He would take money from our account and hide purchases.

Hurting me became second nature—and in response to his behaviors and emotional and verbal abuse, I became worse. We both began to hurt each other beyond anything I ever thought possible in a marriage. This is when I realized I needed help for myself even if he wouldn’t get help.

I suffered silently. But after so many years, I gave up that false belief. Silent pain brings long-term suffering. So, I decided I was done and finally gained the courage to stop the suffering and work towards healing.

I found a betrayal trauma expert and started to attend groups. I began educating myself on addiction and betrayal trauma. I felt it was important to gain knowledge in both because if I was going to try to make my marriage work, I had to know and understand the illness and severity I was dealing with.

You can’t heal what you don’t know exists. This same logic applied to me and my recovery even more so. I can’t control his recovery only my own. But I could protect myself and begin putting boundaries in place. The expert and group taught me how and gave me the permission I needed to do it.

To read more of Lady Airyn’s articles, click here.

For anyone experiencing a similar trial or watching a loved one suffer, please share this article. Very few men or women receive the support, validation, and understanding they desperately deserve and need. I have finally opened up about my trials because far too many are suffering alone.

No matter the circumstance you’re in, you can begin to get healthy and heal. There are too many resources out there for anyone not to get the right help.

There is hope and there is healing.

“Even the darkest nights turn into dawn for the faithful” (Elder Evan A. Schmutz, “God Shall Wipe Away All Tears,” October 2016).

Lady Airyn

In spite of the trials I’ve suffered, I’m still here loving my children and husband. I’m here trying to love myself. Even though I know life is a crazy, I am here every day, showing up the BEST I can, loving, shaping, and praying that if I stay here, my kids, husband, and myself will grow up strong, loving, and capable.

I am here to write and share my story and trials because I want to be here. I hope my mistakes, blessings and trials will help others because I chose to be here.

Secondly, let’s look at what trauma means. Trauma is an injury (such as a wound) or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury, c: an emotional upset.

Now you may be asking, how do I know if I have betrayal trauma? If you have or have had a spouse with substance abuse addiction, a pornography/sex addiction, a gaming addiction, a spouse that has lied to you repeatedly, or a spouse who has cheated, you probably have betrayal trauma. If your spouse has used the words, “You’re crazy,” when addressing you, then you or they may be suffering from betrayal trauma.

What does betrayal trauma look like?

• Emotional dependency: extreme emotional reactions (quick shifts from rage to sadness to hope and back again).
• Hypervigilance or hoovering: detective work in hope to self-protect. (Searching phones, computers, office, browser history, call logs, etc.)
• Isolation – avoid your spouse or others so that no one finds out. May even neglect your children and hide away.
• Denial/codependency – noticing inappropriate behaviors but choosing to say or do nothing to avoid conflict.
• Obsessive eating, spending, exercise.
• Insomnia, Brain Fog.
• Anxiety/panic attacks, feeling your life is in a whirlwind and out of control.
• Lack of safety in the marriage, financially, sexually, emotionally, physically.
• Obsessive thinking and worrying.
• Easily Triggered (PTSD) – spouse comes home late and it throws you into aggression or rage.
• Feelings of being crazy.
• Creating stories out of fear – trying to combine unrelated events in order to predict future betrayal.

If you’ve acted out in these ways, then you’re possibly experiencing betrayal trauma. And if you are, the first words I want to say to you are, I am so sorry. This is not your fault. You are not responsible for his or her addiction and behaviors.

After learning a little bit of betrayal trauma, some of you may be questioning whether or not your spouse has an addiction. Often people falsely correlate addiction with homeless people on the streets; however, many people with addictions are high functioning, have normal appearance, and are successful at work. But it’s the disconnect, isolation, hiding out, escaping, and numbing episodes that tip the spouse off to something being wrong. Why? Because addiction doesn’t like healthy relationships.

Now let’s take a moment to understand addiction and what it may look like.

What is addiction?  It is being dependent to a particular substance, thing, or activity to a point that it isnegatively impacting your life. Another explanation is, “Addiction is when you’re using something to lessen pain or give you pleasure — and the rate and duration of its use increases to the point your life becomes unmanageable. [It’s] if you’re doing something you don’t want to do, but can’t stop doing it.” – Brannon Patrick, LSCW, CSAT (The Betrayed, The Addicted, The Expert podcast, “How do I know I’m an Addict or have Betrayal Trauma,” Ep.1).

If any of these words resonate as truth, I’m here to tell you that YOU’RE NOT CRAZY and there is HOPE. I came up with my own acronym for HOPE: “Healing Our Pain Effectively.”

I had reached the point of hopelessness. I felt I’d done everything I could for my marriage and the only other option was divorce. I was exhausted. We had gone to three different therapists, which my spouse rarely attended. He was constantly telling me to leave him alone and that I’m crazy for thinking he was involved in pornography and drinking (even when I smelled it or caught him). I was doing everything in my power to hold my family together, and the only one working for it. Then one day, I was researching addiction and the most miraculous words showed up in my Google search: betrayal trauma. That day, everything changed.

I finally discovered the missing piece I was searching for. The “I, me” piece. The piece to help me understand and validate what I was going through. But it also allowed me to focus on myself and learn what it is I am doing to cause pain and dysfunction in my marriage and home. I finally found a place where I can get the right type of help for myself, regardless of what happens in my marriage.

Now, let me clarify. I am in no way saying that I am accountable for my spouse’s addiction. Just as he is capable of picking out a new car, he is the one who picks/chooses his daily behaviors. But what I am saying is that I am 150% accountable for how I react to his addiction or treat him in general as a human being and son of God. My behaviors, reactions, or lack of reactions are my choice and I must own my choices in order to effectively heal.

After all this reading, you might be anxiously asking yourself, “So now what? Where can I get help for this?” If you fall into the category of betrayal trauma, you need the right type of specialized help. Find a therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma. A good place to start is Therapy Utah in Lehi, UT. If you’re not located in the Salt Lake or Utah County area, then research betrayal trauma online.

There is so much information out there including online betrayal trauma courses at therapyutah.org. In addition, one of my favorite podcasts is The Betrayed, The Addicted, The Expert by Brannon Patrick, LCSW and Coby and Ashlynn Mitchell. You will gain a lot of insight and self awareness from these resources.

If you’re in a place of hopelessness, I want you to know I understand. I am there with you on this journey, and there is hope. There is a way to heal and become whole again. The help is out there. And this article is the first of many to come that will help you, too.

In closing, to whomever is reading this, believe that there is hope. Have faith that Heavenly Father knows you, that He is with you, and that He has not abandoned you in your darkest hour. You are not alone and there is the right type of help out there.

“God rarely moves the mountains in front of us, but He always helps us climb them.” – Sheri Dew

Lady Airyn

In spite of the trials I’ve suffered, I’m still here loving my children and husband. I’m here trying to love myself. Even though I know life is a crazy, I am here every day, showing up the BEST I can, loving, shaping, and praying that if I stay here, my kids, husband, and myself will grow up strong, loving, and capable.

I am here to write and share my story and trials because I want to be here. I hope my mistakes, blessings and trials will help others because I chose to be here.