Mele Eldredge, Author at LDS Blogs

Conquering FOMO: The Fear of Missing Out

Mele Eldredge — Tue, 08 May 2018 08:00:41 +0000

We all experience FOMO, or the fear of missing out, at some point in our lives.

My step-daughters came home from their mom’s one Sunday and began telling me of the fun activities they did with her. As my biological daughter listened, I could tell from her facial expressions that she was becoming quite sad. Eventually, she ended up sneaking away upstairs and hid out in her room.

Feelings of FOMO

After listening to the girls’ stories, I made my way upstairs to her. I asked her if there was something wrong and she replied, “The girls always do fun things when they go to their mom’s and I don’t.” I immediately knew she felt left out and had some jealousy. Unfortunately, all of our girls get to have different opportunities while with their other parent. Each of them has similar feelings at different times. It’s inevitable to experience this, especially within a blended family.

While listening to my daughter express her feelings on the matter, I remembered the LDS youth lesson called “Fear of Missing Out“ (“FOMO”) by Sam Lund. It addressed the emotions we often feel when we see other peoples’ fun social media posts or hear about a party that perhaps we didn’t get invited to. It also discussed how we can be preoccupied in thought about friends or an event rather than being present in the moment while at mutual, during Family Home Evening, or while spending quality time with someone.

Emotions That Accompany FOMO

I listened to my daughter explain her “FOMO.” I then asked her these questions:

Do you get jealous while listening to the fun things they get to do? Do you feel left out? Do you feel they are trying to hurt your feelings? Luckily, she replied yes to the first two questions and no to the last one. Thank goodness—otherwise I probably wouldn’t be writing this right now.

The first letter in the FOMO acronym stands for fear. So, what is fear? It’s an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. Fear is the first emotion we experience in FOMO.

The moment we experience FOMO, our emotions can take over. An emotion is a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others.

To me, these words and definitions perfectly define the mental direction we take when we experience fear. In the moment of FOMO, fear is created based on our beliefs from our own impressions developed from our life experiences.

Belief + Fear = Skewed Perceptions

So, what does belief mean? It is an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists. In other words, belief is the state of mind in which a person thinks something to be the case with or without there being empirical evidence that something is the case with factual certainty.

“When you put belief and fear together, it can form skewed impressions.”

When you put belief and fear together, it can form skewed impressions. An impression is an idea, feeling, or opinion about something or someone, especially one formed without conscious thought or on the basis of little evidence. Because emotions are based on our own beliefs, fears, and life experience or perception of certain situations, it can be very difficult to look within ourselves and pinpoint the actual emotion we may be feeling that is causing these fears.

For example, when we experience FOMO, it is due to insecurity, anxiety, or unhappiness within ourselves. If we can become self-aware in the exact moment fear hits, give the true emotion a name, and then recognize what is taking place within ourselves, at that moment we can take control of our own emotions. We can then choose what we should do with those emotions and then decide how to react or perhaps not react.

The Cure for FOMO

In the “FOMO” lesson, Sam Lund addresses that FOMO has a cure. Elder David A. Bednar gave this suggestion: “Do not take counsel from your fears.” To not take counsel from our fears simply means that we do not permit fear and uncertainty to determine our course in life, to negatively affect our attitudes and behavior, to influence improperly our important decisions, or to divert or distract us from all in this world that is virtuous, lovely, or of good report.

So, what can we do? What options or choices do we have?

When in the moment of FOMO, intense emotions can take over and leave us blind to rational feelings or thinking. In that moment, the first choice we have is to recognize what emotion we are beginning to feel before we respond. Give the feeling a name such as jealousy, anger, hurt, sadness, anxiety, insecurity, etc. To be able to do this, we must learn self-control. Self-control is the ability to control oneself; in particular, one’s emotions and desires or the expression of them in one’s behavior, especially in difficult situations.

Choosing How We Respond

Once we have recognized we’re experiencing FOMO and have given the emotion a name, the next step is to make a choice on how we are going to respond. Whatever our choice is, we must take accountability for that choice or behavior. The way we choose to react or respond to conflict gives us the potential for growth or can result in experiencing negative consequences.

Elder James E. Faust once said:

“The choices we make, however, determines a large extent of our happiness or our unhappiness, because we have to live with the consequences of our choices. Making perfect choices all of the time is not possible. It just doesn’t happen. But it is possible to make good choices we can live with and grow from.” “Choices” General Conference April 2004.

As we contemplate what choice we want to make while in the moment of FOMO, here are a few suggestions given in the lesson, Fear of Missing Out, as well as a few of my own recommendations.

Accept what you’re feeling and be okay with it. After all, we are emotional beings and it is natural to feel.
Remind yourself that what you’ve committed to do is important, and think about why it makes you happy.
Read “Good, Better, Best” by Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (Oct. 2007 General Conference). It will help you remember that while lots of things are good, certain things are most important.
Pray for Heavenly Father’s help to overcome feelings of FOMO.
Feeling anxious? Read Isaiah 41:10; Psalm 46:1; D&C 6:33; D&C 50:41.
Like our beloved President Thomas S. Monson said, “We can lift ourselves, and others as well, when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude.” Learn to have an attitude of gratitude.
If you’re stuck in a moment of comparison, jealousy, or envy, look back at your children, family, education, friends, car, clothes, or maybe even the meals provided to you. The blessings are there if you are willing to see them.

Stripping Envy from Our Lives

Our lives are a gift from our Divine Father. Life is meant to be hard and trying, but it is also meant to be a marvelous journey. Pam Wilson Vandenaker wrote:

To read more of Mele’s articles, click here.

“Thus, as we become free of envy or jealousy or any other weakness, we are much more enabled to acknowledge who and what we are. In the process of being stripped of envy, though we may experience the pain of being sanded and refined, we also receive the gift of being restored to an awareness of our worth as beautiful, unique children of God.” Stripped of Envy, March 1999

As we strive to follow this counsel and understand our own emotions, I know our personal relationships will grow in love and gratitude. I promise Heavenly Father will be there to guide and direct us through the Holy Ghost. Even when we experience FOMO in our lives, Heavenly Father will always be there.

Mele Eldredge

Mele Eldredge is a proud mom (and bonus mom) to five beautiful daughters and a wife to one CRAZY GOOD-looking husband. She is passionate about her children’s education and remains involved through volunteer opportunities in their schools and community.
Mele has an extensive background in the legal world due to working as a paralegal for over 10 years. Apart from family and work, Mele’s passions are therapeutic healing, writing, and music. For the last four years, Mele has focused her learning skills on emotional healing and working towards becoming a mentor/life coach. She has discovered how empowering one can become with proper emotional self awareness/management.
Mele is as honest as they come and tells it how it is. Being authentic is the only way to be for her. Courage comes from facing hard stuff, especially yourself and your weakness. “By truly facing and then accepting who and what we really are, we will finally begin to truly love ourselves.”

Healing Holes

Mele Eldredge — Mon, 04 Sep 2017 08:00:58 +0000

When I was a child a few kids in my neighborhood wanted to play baseball at a friends house. Kevin, who’s house we were at, was up to bat. We all knew how far Kevin could hit the ball. We backed up and spread ourselves out so we could try to catch his long ball. Everyone got in position, Kevin stepped up to bat, and then “WHAM.” We stood still as we watched in slow motion his grand slam fly over our heads. We watched in awe and then heard glass shatter as the ball went through an upstairs window of his house.

Patching Holes

We froze in horror knowing how upset his parents would be once they found out. Some of us hurried inside to inspect the damage while others ran home. When we got upstairs to the bedroom, we saw the ball had made a perfect hole in the glass with little crack marks surrounding it.

We knew we couldn’t properly fix the hole on our own, but we at least wanted to temporarily cover or fill it in the meantime. Kevin had a brilliant idea to use scotch tape and plastic wrap. Together we covered the hole.

When Kevin’s parents got home, he explained what happen and deeply apologized, we all did. His parents appreciated our efforts to fix the hole, but explained that the whole window would need to be replaced. That was the only way to make it whole again. His parents then asked us what lesson we learned. We all gave our answers, “be honest” and “don’t hit so hard.” His parents kindly said, “Nope. Just change the direction you’re playing.” If we had thought to turn the other direction we would have been hitting the ball into the trees that lined his backyard rather than into his house.

I feel it’s fair to say most of us maneuver through life trying to fill holes that are inside us. These holes can be created by a number of experiences we have in life. Perhaps you’ve experienced abuse. This could be physical, sexual, emotional, verbal or mental abuse.

Maybe a traumatic event which has caused fear of abandonment, anxiety, depression, or perhaps you didn’t receive much love and nurturing as a child. Some of you may have even been given everything you ever wanted growing up, but now as an adult have a void from how meaningless and unfulfilling those “things” were. We all perceive life differently, encounter different trials, make choices in life and have different needs.

Creating Holes

Holes are often created due to an unmet expectation, need, or a physical or moral injury that has taken place. Some holes can become so big and deep that they can cause severe behavior/mental health problems, turn into addictions, cause people to abuse others or in some circumstance do the opposite, and cause you to want to fix everything. There becomes a need to be a “people pleaser” and to fix or protect others. But it’s done in a way that interferes with relationships, growth, or responsibilities of that individual.

Just as the broken window was temporarily filled with tape and plastic wrap, we have tendencies to fill our holes or wounds with temporary gratifications rather than completely heal them. Some of us may seek after money, possessions, sexual gratification, food, or even drugs to fill these holes.

Temporary fixes

If you find yourself constantly stimulating yourself with electronics in some form, you may want to ask yourself why. Are you able to drive in the car without music, the radio on, or texting someone? How much time is spent watching TV or playing on electronics versus being with family, friends, or doing a healthy hobby? By improperly healing our wounds, we make ourselves vulnerable to temptation and to turning in the wrong direction. So how can we heal these holes and not just temporarily fill them?

In order to answer this question, what comes to mind is the articles of faith. Be completely honest with yourself and answer these questions.

Do I believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost? (First Article of Faith)
Do I believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel? (Third Article of Faith)
Do I believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth? (Seventh Article of Faith)

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then ask yourself this, do I truly believe I am a cherished son or daughter of a loving Heavenly Father?

Love

I believe the one quality every human being is born with is the emotion of love. Love is the strongest resonating emotion in this world. When you feel it in its strongest form, you can almost touch it, it’s so powerful. Love is why families are created, why the Savior atoned for our sins and gave His life, and why Heavenly Father allowed it.

John 3:16 reads, “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

Heavenly Father gave us the opportunity to know without a doubt how cherished we really are, so He gave us His son, Jesus Christ, to be the example and reminder of how much we are truly loved.

Christ is our Redeemer. To redeem means to raise One above poor, past performance or behavior. What this means is if we believe in the articles of faith mentioned above and truly believe you are cherished and loved by our Heavenly Family, then do you believe it’s possible to not just fill your holes with temporary gratifications, but actually heal them completely? I’ll remind you of a specific word in the seventh article of faith, healing. Do you believe in the gift of healing?

Christ Heals

I truly believe I can replace all the wounds, holes, and pains I experience in this life with the love of my Heavenly Father, and my Redeemer Jesus Christ, and be fully healed or made whole.

I believe the quantity of love we received from our Heavenly parents left us with a yearning in our hearts to desire that same quality and quantity of love here on earth. It is the driving force for us to return back to them and seek righteousness. We are taught of their love from a young age. One primary song in particular comes to mind, A Child’s Prayer by Janice Kapp Perry:

A Child’s Prayer

Heavenly Father, are you really there?

And do you hear and answer ev’ry child’s prayer?

Some say that heaven is far away,

But I feel it close around me as I pray.

Heavenly Father, I remember now

Something that Jesus told disciples long ago:

“Suffer the children to come to me.”

Father, in prayer I’m coming now to thee

Pray, he is there;

Speak, he is list’ning.

You are his child;

His love now surrounds you.

He hears your prayer;

He loves the children.

Of such is the kingdom, the kingdom of heav’n.

My blended family of 2 years is filled with holes. From myself personally, to my husband and down to our 5 children. When we came together as a family, it is an understatement to say we were broken. I’d use the word shattered.

My husband was starting a new job, we were immediately given 50/50 custody of his daughters and trying to get used to each other while we blended a family. Then, I surprising got pregnant and was very ill. All of us were suffering trying anything and everything to fill our holes, especially our girls.

We planned outings, bought a million treats, went to movies, allowed endless electronics, and organized surprise after surprise.

Focusing on what matters

We quickly recognized within ourselves and our children that we were not healing, we were filling. Things and stuff were more of a priority then scriptures, prayers, and healing our hurts.

The definition for filling means a quantity of material that fills or is used to fill something. The tools we were using to “fill” our children and ourselves were temporary fillers. What we needed was to heal and be made whole. But this takes time.

The definition of healing means the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again. The definition of process means a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end.

I finally decided within myself that I needed to start taking the right steps towards my Father in Heaven and Savior in order to extend the same healing power to my family. I decided to turn in the right direction and reset my priorities and focus. We still aren’t perfect, but we are on the path of progression.

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As I take the time to study and immerse myself in my Heavenly Father, and my Saviors love, I find that I am more easily able to extend that same love and compassion to others and my family so much more. And as I give more of myself to others through service, I begin to heal from the holes that are in me.

Heavenly Father’s love is what brought us to this earth, and that same love was extended again by our Savior when He suffered every hurt and pain we have and will ever experience. So why not allow that same love to heal our holes?

I Feel My Saviors Love

I feel my Savior’s love

In all the world around me.

His Spirit warms my soul

Through ev’rything I see.

I’ll share my Savior’s love

By serving others freely.

In serving I am blessed.

In giving I receive.

(Chorus)

He knows I will follow him,

Give all my life to him.

I feel my Savior’s love,

The love he freely gives me.

Words: Ralph Rodgers Jr., 1936–1996; K. Newell Dayley, b. 1939; and Laurie Huffman, b. 1948

Music: K. Newell Dayley, b. 1939

Mele Eldredge

God Loves Broken Things

Mele Eldredge — Fri, 26 May 2017 08:00:15 +0000

“God Loves Broken Things! Let me repeat myself, GOD LOVES BROKEN THINGS!”

These words were the first words spoken by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles during a Stake Conference held on May 20, 2017. This article will reference quotes during this Stake Conference session and his April 2006 General Conference talk, “Broken Things to Mend.”

Jeffrey R. Holland

I feel powerfully moved to share this message because only a few hundred people were at this stake conference meeting. And it’s a message the whole world needs. Elder Holland is amazing. In his talk at stake conference he simultaneously hit us in the face with a hammer about our need to change, and lovingly held us and encouraged us.

No matter your faith, race, mental illnesses, addictions, weaknesses or trials, God loves you. This is not just wishful thinking. What I am writing is an absolute fact. God loves everyone, big or small, mean or kind, happy or sad. There is nothing you or anyone can do to make Him not love you.

“But I sometimes feel so broken. I’ve hurt people, people have hurt me, I’ve sinned, I’ve repented, but my heart is broken, my soul is broken. Will relief ever come? Please take this pain away? I don’t want to feel it.”- Elder Holland

Sometimes I feel so broken.

I’ve said and felt these words throughout my life more than I can count. At one point in my life, I truly believed I had to live with shame and guilt for my mistakes. I even served a mission and preached about forgiveness, but somehow I still felt it didn’t apply to me. Negative thoughts would run through my mind, “How can our loving God love me? Me of all people.” At times I felt He didn’t love me. I knew He did, but I didn’t feel it.

Elder Holland bluntly said, “Here is the first problem in that thinking. Believing that you should go through life without experiencing pain is saying to ourselves, “I should not have to suffer. I should not have to experience heartache, betrayal, death of a loved one or child, depression, anxiety, mental illness, being single, being motherless, being childless, divorced, hated, and so much more.

The second problem is allowing the Adversary control and power over these beliefs. Any negative self talk or thoughts are coming from the Great Deceiver, the destroyer of happiness. We cannot allow such erroneous thinking to occur. We must be stronger than him and not give him power over our happiness. Believing that your Heavenly Father doesn’t love you, is a lie and it’s absurd.”

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we believe in the Plan of Salvation or the Great Plan of Happiness. We believe God created this world and gave us bodies to come to earth and experience life and have agency to choose for ourselves. We agreed in Heaven to come here and endure the hardships of life, to be challenged and tried. The Lord said,

“My people must be tried in all things, that they may be prepared to receive the glory that I have for them, even the glory of Zion; and he that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom.” (Doctrine & Covenants 136:31)

My people must be tried in all things….

We agreed to come to Earth and submit to His plan for us. That unique, individualized plan for just you and just me was a gift our Heavenly Father offered. But he did it with a promise, the most precious Gift, “17. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.” (John 3:17)

God knew we could not come to this earth without sinning. In order for us to be allowed back into His presence, a Savior had to be offered to atone and wipe away the sins of the world so that we may be clean before Him. “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” (Isaiah 1:18.)

These next words spoken by Elder Holland immediately healed my heart, humbled me to tears, and the continuing process of having a broken heart and contrite spirit was opened to me and gave me greater understanding.

He powerfully stated without hesitation, “How dare you say in the midst of your trials and afflictions, God doesn’t love me. How can he love me, a sinner? How dare you say those words! Did God not love His perfect Son whom He gave to the world? Did He not love His Son as He watched Him bleed from every pore and suffer every pain, sin, illness, sickness, and joy this world will ever see? Did He not love His son when He was thorned, pierced, crucified and then died?”

Jesus Christ took upon himself every single difficult thing.

He continued saying, “Heavenly Father loves you so much that not only did He give you these trials for you to learn to be patient, loving, kind, strong, merciful, and figure out how to do it with the Grace of God, He also gave you a way out. He gave you a Savior who already took upon Himself every single difficult experience, so that we don’t have to.

By proper repentance and through a broken heart and contrite spirit, we do not have to feel shame or guilt for our sins, for having depression, addictions, and everything else we suffer. We do not have to carry the weight of our trials alone. The price is already paid.”

“And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart …, him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost” (3 Nephi 9:19–20).

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”2 (Matthew 11:28-29)

Elder Holland concluded his message saying, “If you want forgiveness, true repentance, growth, and to truly show the Lord your desire for a change of heart, what are you willing to place on the altar of sacrifice? What are you willing to let go? Is your faith sufficient enough to trust in the path He has for you and allow Him to bless you?”

To all my fellow readers: Do not sit in your grief, pain or sins for another minute. Do not allow Satan the power to keep you from your happiness. If repentance is in order, please, go and repent. If you hurt someone, apologize, and do better next time. If your marriage is in turmoil, turn to the Lord and leaders of the church. If you suffer from mental illness, it’s ok, Seek help and give it to the Lord. For the repentant, let the hurt go.

You need not live in shame or guilt, hand it over to the Lord. In every trial, ask Him to carry it with you, and if not, ask Him to give you the strength and grace to endure it. Lay your sacrifice at the altar and trust in Him. Also remember, our trials are to help mold us into beings of patience, love, and compassion. But you cannot be molded until you are first softened. God loves you, Jesus Christ loves you, do not ever doubt these words. And as Elder Holland first said, “God Loves Broken Things.”

Mele Eldredge

My Big Mormon Blended Family- Unity in the Lord’s Time

Mele Eldredge — Sat, 20 May 2017 08:00:02 +0000

Aloha Family,

If someone came to me five years ago and said, “You will mother five beautiful daughters,” I would have laughed and told them they were crazy. The first reason would be because I suffer from infertility and the second reason would be my sanity.

For ten years I battled the grief of infertility. Every time I turned to the Lord his answer would be, “In the Lord’s time. He has a timing for all things.” Little did I know these words were about take on an entirely new meaning.

In May 2015, my current husband and I married. He had three beautiful daughters from a previous marriage and I had one. Regardless of how much we loved each other or each other’s children, figuring out how to find a balance in life, kids and marriage was difficult. We had no clue what we were doing. Obviously there is no manual on parenting stepchildren or how to have a happy marriage with stepchildren.

Angel Abrea of the Quorum of the Seventy said, “Patience in affliction and adversity means to persist firmly and never forsake that which we know to be true, standing firm with the hope that in the Lord’s due time we will gain an understanding of that which we do not understand now and which causes us suffering.” (General Conference April 1992)

Among all the challenges of trying to blend a family, my husband also just started his career, both of us worked full-time, had his daughters half-time, my husband severely injured his back and was told he needed surgery, and the list goes on.

Our home was chaotic. Because we were so overwhelmed and felt complete with our family, we decided we were happy with the four girls and didn’t need to try for a child. I emotionally accepted this and found peace with not having another child. But guess what? Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. Talk about being at the mercy of the “Lord’s Timing.”

At this exact moment I surrendered to the Lord’s will. I became extremely ill and let go of everything. No more control, no more doing things my way, no more self-directing. I was at His mercy. I had to turn to the Lord in prayer and begged for relief and help. He answered and the doors of heaven flooded our home.

Friends and family stepped in and did our grocery shopping, they cleaned my home, my daughters pulled together to clean and take care of each other, I survived the illnesses without being hospitalized, and both my husband and I were given the strength we needed to endure. Our burdens, weaknesses and trials were not taken away, instead we were strengthened through Christ to withstand the storms.

Elder Richard G. Scott said, “Recognize that some challenges in life will not be resolved here on earth. Paul pled thrice that “a thorn in the flesh” be removed. The Lord simply answered, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”

He gave Paul strength to compensate so he could live a most meaningful life. He wants you to learn how to be cured when that is His will and how to obtain strength to live with your challenge when He intends it to be an instrument for growth. In either case the Redeemer will support you. That is why He said, “Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; … For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

When you feel you can do no more, temporarily lay your challenges at His feet. The scriptures tell you how. For example, when the oppressed people of Alma “did pour out their hearts to him; and he did know the thoughts of their hearts,” the Lord blessed them, saying:

“I will … ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that … you cannot feel them, … that ye may know … that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

“And … the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.” (Elder Richard G. Scott, General Conference April 1994)

We have a long road ahead of us, every family does. But we now strive to do it in righteousness and obedience to the will of the lord.

If I can offer any advice for blended families, here are three things I would suggest:

1.If at all possible, hire a maid for the first 6 months to a year. Superwoman is a fantasy. Use wedding money. It’s ok to get a little extra help. It will help you to get balanced faster.

2. Remain steadfast in your faith, obedience and example. Children are watching and listening to you even if they appear not to.

3. Your spouse comes first, no matter what. Unity in the marriage is the most important. Work out your issues privately and set clear rules and expectations before setting them with the children. It’s ok if they are not figured out right away. Be patient and tell the kids the rules may change but for now this will be the rule. Allow the children to also provide input to the rules, sometimes they have the best suggestions or resolutions.

Trust in the Lord’s plan for you, believe in the gift of family He has entrusted you to manage. For those working towards blending a family, it’s essential that you allow the natural affects and emotions to take place. Not to push or force unity. The step children don’t have to love or even like you right away.

Each of you are perfect where you stand in the process of blending together, everyone will be ok. Step back, breath, let go of what you can’t control, and allow the Lord to work his miracles. Don’t self-sabotage the work of the Lord with your impatience or self-direction.

Mele Eldredge