Nobody can beat us up better than ourselves! We have the inside scoop on how we think and this helps us to justify what we do. Over the years we have listened carefully to what others have told said about us; much of what we say to each other, particularly within a family, is often in the negative. We even have our own laundry list of what is wrong with us: who we are, what we do, and how we think. Wow! That would be enough to drive any one to depression and anxious thoughts.
Why do we do this to ourselves? It is because we don’t see the whole picture. We only see a partial glimpse of our self, or perhaps a better word would be a telestial glimpse! One of the reasons is that we are all we have…at least that is what we think. Our thoughts are to us first! When we look in the mirror it is our eyes that look back at us first! It is our ears that hear the words that come out of our mouth first!

Glimpses from others that we take as truth

We all have had different glimpses from those closest to us. From the time we are small, we are part of many layers of life that takes place around us. Our parents and our own family; brothers and sisters and cousins and aunts and uncles join in those layers. We have our own family culture. The culture can be good, bad, normal or abnormal. We can even be a mixture of all those descriptive words. We have the financial culture that we grew up in; or the financial culture that we are in now. We have our religious culture; our heritage culture; and our educational culture. We just have layers upon layers of lines that have settled on us.

As you can see, a lot depends on those layers; how they settled on us and where and who they came from. We often have different faces for different groups, people, and situations. We can be absolutely horrible in our family relationships and act beautifully in our yoga class with all of our fellow classmates. We can be excellent workers at our jobs or our church callings, and be complete slouches at home. Or even better, or perhaps worse, we can try to be everything to everybody, all of the time. Whew!

Regardless of how we do it, we can be very hard on ourselves. Some of us do it mildly, others strenuously and some do almost a day to day blitzkrieg that would wear anyone out spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Some of us have had it most of our life, and others have had it due to situational difficulties that have come into their lives.

How do we look at these layers?

Woman studying

So how do we look at ourselves layer by layer? First, put on your brave button and be honest about the fact that you are being very hard on yourself. We get in cycles and often it is because of a look or a word from someone else that we interpret in the negative. Maybe it actually is. That doesn’t mean you have to internalize as truth. Depression and anxiety are the by-products of these types of cycles.

Heavenly Father Gives us a Hand

One young lady told me that she didn’t realize how negatively she saw herself until she started to write down her own view of self. She had grown up in a home that seemed fine, and then it became broken and so did her feelings about herself. She then entered into a relationship that also made her feel broken and so it added on to the rest of her feelings. It just started to pile up.

She decided that she had to see herself as Heavenly Father saw her. Did he just see a broken mess sitting on a couch crying all of the time? She felt so hopeless and so un-recoverable. She had no clue who she really was and what to do.

She then shared a wonderful experience. She had decided she needed to return to church no matter how worthless she felt. She felt that she literally oozed in under the church door, she felt so low. She would come in late and often sat outside in the foyer. She started to pray for hope and she started to add in her prayers the request to see herself in God’s eyes, not just her own.

Looking thru God’s Eyes

One night she awakened in a dream. She could see a beautiful young woman coming down a hill side that was covered in flowers and she was surrounded by children. It was beautiful and there was a purity and sweetness that was in this woman and as she kept looking, suddenly she realized she was looking at herself. It was her. It was who she really was! She, in and of herself, was full of goodness. She woke with a start and realized this was her Heavenly Father’s view of her. She had been good and she still was good.

With that, she realized that her view of herself, for a long time, had been the part that was broken. She knew now that she was not broken. Bruised, yes, but not broken. Yes, she was mortal on this very mortal world and needed to learn many things. Yes, she needed to repent but she was able and willing. She took self-help classes, received some counseling, but most important of all, she stayed close to her Heavenly Father and learned about Christ and the great gift that He is to all of us. I asked her if I could share her experience and she said emphatically “Yes!” She has shared it with many others and feels that she received it to share. Her hope is that her story will help others

Take time and take a look at yourself

We are here to be refined. We have to look at our own behaviors, but in a constructive way. We all have faults and weaknesses, but that does not mean that we are worthless. It just means we are here to grow. So, be brave and take a look. Before you take that look, bring your Heavenly Father into the process with you. He knows you better than any one does. He knows your potential and he knows your strengths and weaknesses. You could not have a better partner in this and a safer one

It is interesting how Heavenly Father can give us this clear view of ourselves without laying us out on the floor feeling stomped on. Almost always there is something we need to change which will help change the feelings or situations we are in. Usually, it starts with us. Our reactions or actions have to be looked at. So don’t be surprised if you find yourself pointed in a particular direction.

Keep your hand in the Hands of God

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Our views of ourselves must include the Savior’s view of us. The world’s view has some accuracy, but it also never sees the whole picture. Let’s get to know ourselves the right way. We need to look at how we behave and how we think. We need to progress in our growth in this life, and life has a way of helping us along on this journey. We are vastly different at 40 than we are at 20. Life teaches us. The umbrella above us in this journey had better be Christ. He will guide us along. He will comfort us. He will make things uncomfortable sometimes when we become too complacent and not progressing. He will bind up the hurts and forgive us. O Happy Day. Isn’t it wonderful to grow?

So, see yourself, but keep your hand in the hand of God. Take some hard looks, and then change what needs to be changed. Repent of what needs to be repented of and act with confidence in the great plan developed just for us!

Roberta Hess Park

Often in our prayers we want results now. We want change now, either within ourselves or with someone else’s’ actions!  In 1st Thessalonians it says we are to remember to continue “without ceasing your work of faith, and labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ, in the sight of God and our Father.”  This scripture talks about how love takes work, and hope involves patience.

A friend of mine was out walking with me not so long ago and we talked about the ability to wait upon the Lord.   Our discussion proceeded in how it was easy to wait upon the Lord unless it was up close and personal. This is the time that our waiting becomes almost unbearable in some situations. For us to stand by and watch other’s actions or even experiencing the fallout of their actions; we need and expect to see change soon.

Speaking of patience, what would we do if the Lord said to us, “By the way I want it now! I have no more patience with your weaknesses! It shouldn’t take you so long.” I think we all know how we would feel about that. We are grateful that the Lord is patience with our weaknesses. We need him to be patient. We need to remember this when we see the need for change in others.

Some of that change involves us changing. Decisions we don’t want to make. Being paralyzed between what ifs! Yet, we have to change something just to keep going. The most important thing is what! We want change in others without necessarily changing ourselves.

A sister in the gospel was talking with me about a nightmare of a situation that had taken place in her home. Her husband had found another woman and one of her adult children was caught in a tough custody battle that was doing great damage to all. She said she could not believe that so many things could go wrong so quickly.

She told me that finally she turned to her scriptures and not in a casual way. She had always read her scriptures a little each night, but this time it was different. She read every day for an hour and sometimes longer. She went through the Old and New Testament. She then went back into the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants. She read the Pearl of Great Price and then started back with the Old Testament.

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As she was telling me this story she began to have tears running down her cheeks and said, “I can sleep now! I can bear all of this! I can do this! Reading these scriptures with great intent has changed everything.” She went on to say, “How sad it is that it takes such hard events to send us to our knees and our scriptures. I’ve always read my scriptures and said my prayers, but this is different.”

There is a power within the word of God! We can wrap ourselves in it, wrap it around us, and become wrapped with the peaceful spirit of God. This is one of the ways that we can bear our burdens while we wait upon the arm of the Lord. His timeline is not ours. He is far more patient and long suffering than we can even begin to understand. Yet, we have to learn this process.   Our God will teach us how.

Roberta Hess Park

Let’s put that choice in the world of addiction. Addiction is often where we feel that we have lost our free agency to substances or to a deep-seated addictive behavior such as gambling or pornography that we never seem to be able to defeat. It is as though someone else or something else is in control of our life.

To some extent I think that is true. That is the power of addiction. It isn’t lightweight. It isn’t easily overcome. It isn’t just some wishful thinking. But agency has a power in and of itself that can overcome the worst addictive behavior possible.

Since I am LDS, when I have counseled members who are LDS, we use gospel principles to work out issues and look at behaviors that need to be changed. Working hand in hand with the Spirit is a wonderful opportunity. There is also another spirit though, that we run into almost immediately, particularly in the addiction field.

The Battle

How do I know that? I watched a battle of agency take place with one individual who considered himself lost. I want to share the story with you, because where there is life there is hope. Where there is agency there is hope. Never, never give up!

Many years ago I did some counseling in our ward building in the evenings, dedicating it as service to the Lord. Bishops in the stake would refer members to me from time to time.   A middle-aged member had been referred by his bishop to talk with me. The bishop pointed out that this member would be very active for six months, and then for six months he would be drunk or stoned most of the time. This had gone on for a number of years.

The member who had the appointment came and was very personable and open. He didn’t know why he did what he did, and told me about his life. As he sat with me, I had a growing sense that this was more than just periodic addictive behavior. This is often the case when unfinished guilt feeds addictive behavior. This brother in particular, as he was talking, left me with a very heavy feeling. Finally, towards the end of the second session, I commented, “You know, it really doesn’t matter what you or I do until you straighten out something that is very serious between you and your Heavenly Father.” He looked stunned and then looked down. I asked him, “Do you have an understanding of what the problem is? Because it has to be handled before anything else will change.”

He looked up and said, “I know. I know what you are talking about and I have avoided it for years. I just don’t know if I can face it or the consequences of it”.

“Well,” I said, “you are the only one who can. I am happy to make the journey with you; but this is more about repentance than counseling. You have agency; you have the capacity to change things around, but the bottom line, is it is you and your agency.”

He continued for a few more weeks to come and we stayed fairly general in our discussions. Then came the week of change. He came for his appointment and he then told me that he had an appointment with his bishop in two days. He also knew he had to confess and that he had to deal with the consequences. He then told me that he wanted to tell me what had happened. I told him he didn’t need to, but he said, “No, you need to understand what this means to me.”

As he sat across from me he began to tell me what had happened. As I listened, I knew that it was very serious, and he would probably be excommunicated (which he was), and possibly it would involve the law. Yet, I was impressed with his determination. He desired to get things right and that is what it is always about. As he finished I shared with him my thoughts that this would be a long road, but a worthwhile road; that he had made a choice and with that choice he would have freedom.

He asked if I would have a prayer with him and would I please say it. I agreed, and as I bowed my head there was a powerful force that became apparent. It was not a good force and then, in my mind I heard these words, which I have never forgotten: “How dare you? He was mine!” I knew exactly the evil behind those words.  The adversary had counted him as his own. Just as fast, I felt prompted to say in my mind and spirit, “He has made his choice! He has agency! You have no power here!   He has made his choice! You have to leave.” For a moment I could feel a major temper tantrum taking place, and then the sweetest, calmest spirit entered and I knew that we would be fine.

All this happened while my head was bowed, and I looked up and the brother said, “Aren’t you going to say the prayer?” I realized that he had not felt the battle. “Yes, yes, I am.” With that, the prayer was said, and in the following days he went to the bishop.

Little Sister of the Gospel

He ended up being excommunicated, but handled it with courage and commitment. About five years later I got a phone call and heard these words “Little Sister of the Gospel. I have just been re-baptized! I just wanted to let you know.”

I hung up the phone, and with tears, thanked my Heavenly father and then marveled about the power of agency. When we choose, things happen. No matter how powerful the adversary is, and how caught one feels, we have agency! We can break the bonds that are wrapped around us!

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Many years later I was discussing addiction with a stake president and the complications of past behaviors. He commented that “when you deal with someone who is ensnared, it is a battle and it does get rough, but it will always be won if the person continues to choose to go forward. Even if they have slips, if they continue to go forward they will win the battle.”

For this reason I write this article. Hope comes from our Heavenly Father. Despair comes from the Adversary. “You have gone too far; you are too bad; you are not worth it!” he whispers in our minds.

Those are the lies and they never change. As long as we choose, and sometimes that is every hour and every day, eventually the battle lessens. Sometimes we lose for a moment but if we immediately get right back in the battle, the law of agency or choice will see us through.

Roberta Hess Park

By this time the daughter was sleeping through much of the day and her children were being neglected. The doctor giving out all of these medications was fired for misuse of prescriptions and suddenly her daughter was completely cut off from all of the medications. It was absolutely the worst thing that could have been done. One can’t be on these amounts of drugs for at least two years or more and just stop. Her daughter went straight to alcohol which led her to bars and eventually a DUI.

Now, mind you, her daughter and her daughter’s family were active, temple-going members. Yet, in the space of a few short years, addiction was destroying her daughter and the family unit. Her mother told me that she had this overwhelming feeling that if she didn’t step in and do something immediately, her daughter would die.

She sent her grown son to see if the daughter would consider a rehab program. The son could hardly recognize his sister, the change had been so powerful. Yet, she did agree and went to rehab. It didn’t go well, and within a few weeks she was kicked out of rehab. Now what?

Things went from bad to worse and my friend stated she helped put her daughter in an apartment and try to at least to keep her safe. She then drove back to her own home, so upset that she went straight out to her garage to be alone. She felt overwhelmed and defeated. She felt a horrible fear for her daughter and felt that she could hardly bear the pain and despair of it all.  She could see very little hope. As she paced back and forth in the garage, she said over and over again, “She is just lost! She is just lost!” She continued to sob.

Then quietly, a voice in her heart said, “She is not lost to me!” Oh, that voice, those words. She knew that she was not alone, but was being borne up. She heard them again. “She is not lost to me.” She knew then for sure that her daughter was in the Lord’s hands. There wasn’t much she could do, except be a messenger of hope and try and keep her safe. As Ala-non, the partner to AA states: We have to let go and let God!

Since then, it has been a long journey but slowly, ever so slowly, there has been progress made. Every day there is this mother’s prayer and prayers count. Every day there is Heavenly Father and her daughter is his daughter as well.

I have thought a great deal about the families that deal with addiction within their own homes. Perhaps it is a child. Perhaps it is the parent or parents. If we will turn to our Heavenly Father, somehow he makes unbearable burdens bearable. It would be wonderful if he would change people, make them stop, and shape them up. He does not. He allows agency. Yet, with the power of prayer, things begin to happen. Maybe it is just an understanding of what to say and what not to say, or what to do or what not to do. Remember, the adversary is happy to put his two cents in all the time. We need all the inspiration and guidance we can get.

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As a retired addiction counselor I have watched the power of prayer and the miracles that it provides. No, not everyone gets sober.   Somehow, though, the tone and tenor of what is going on changes when we involve Heavenly Father. We can bear it. We can be of help. We can lift up the feeble knees with love. We manage to see the wonderful things taking place around us and not just dwell on the negative. A son one time told his mother, “Think about the times I do say no, not just the times I fail.” He has a point.

There aren’t always happy endings, but one thing for sure is that our Heavenly Father is mindful, involved and there is probably much we don’t understand about accountability and forgiveness. Be positive and be grateful for any little thing, no matter how small.

Roberta Hess Park