I do miss everyone, but most of our family lives in the same area. And we have been talking on the phone and text, so it’s not so bad. And I know I will see them when this is over. But the extra time I gained got me a head start on Christmas cards, and I loved that. And fortunately, ZOOM has made sure we all still get to visit.

Overeating on Thanksgiving

Almost without fail I overeat at Thanksgiving. But this year I didn’t! Well, a little bit. But when we gather each family brings a dish to add to the huge variety.

And everyone takes a little of everything, which means that I eat more than I would usually. This year I made everything for our small family. And without the extra dishes, we didn’t make ourselves sick.

This thanksgiving was also different because it gave me a chance to explain to my husband some of the things he usually misses about autism and holidays. My sweet son has meals at the same time every day. So, having thanksgiving dinner early, like many families do, won’t work for him.

Autism education

I did manage to get him to eat 30 minutes early, but that was a major thing! My son also doesn’t do “special” foods. He had the same thing he has had every dinner for months for thanksgiving, because that is what he enjoys, and he doesn’t like turkey, or new foods.

Usually I have to help my son, or explain my son’s behavior to every one sitting close by. But my husband is across the room with other nieces and nephews and completely misses what we are going through. So, it was nice to have just the 3 of us together at dinner tonight.

Extended family

It was peaceful in a new way too. I love our extended family, but there is always a lot of drama when we get together.

Someone has to complain about their in-laws or their exes. Then without fail someone doesn’t understand autism and causes a meltdown which is really disruptive.

And of course, someone feels like the holiday has to be totally controlled by them or the day isn’t complete. It’s hard having the extra stress of extra people.

We have had to prep my son to handle the influx of family the holidays bring. His younger cousins love him a lot and tend to mob him. It overwhelms him every time. So, we developed an understanding that when he needs space, he can take his iPad into a quiet room.

Or he can ask me to have a break, so we leave for a walk and come back when he feels calmer. Sometimes there is nothing I can do for him except leave early. And we have just had to adjust to that. Today he was happy to have his usual routine. I was happy to have a little less stress.

Dinner my way

The final part of Thanksgiving that was different, was I got to make dinner my way. My family has a tradition about breaking the wish bone.

But I prefer not to have to deal with a turkey carcass. So, I did a turkey roast, and it was much faster to prepare.

I have a sister in law who hates onions, and a brother in law who won’t touch potatoes. But I got to make mashed potatoes with chives and not worry that someone was going to be grossed out. Honestly, I love these people, but I am looking for all the good differences we had this year. And I really loved loading bananas into the fruit salad even thought my sister can’t eat them. Having dinner prepared to my tastes was a small treat that made 2020 different.

Next Thanksgiving will be better

To read more of Abby’s articles, click here.

I’m looking forward to things going back to “normal”. But this year, seeing how much less stress I had, I have learned a few things. Like next year I may not insist on hosting. And I’m going to make an effort not to overeat. That was a wonderful change that has to stay.

And I have learned that I have too many unreasonable expectations of myself. In years past I had to clean every bathroom, every bedroom, and every inch of the house for company.

Clearly, I can handle some changes to my house preparing routine. I miss everyone but learning how to do things differently is a growing experience that will make all the following years better.

Abby Christianson

Abby is capable and caring. She is learning more about Autism and parenthood every day. Having completed training to be an RBT (Registered Behavior Technician) for ABA therapy she is beginning to understand her son. And even though she is the first to admit she makes a lot of mistakes, she is so grateful to be on this journey. She comes from a family with many autistic members. She invites us to join her, as she shares her adventures. She wishes to emphasize that Autism is a difference not a defect. If you or a family member have autism, Abby wants you to know that the challenges can be overcome, and there are blessings in autism. You or your loved one are not sick or broken. Together we will teach the world this new language.

And the crazy thing is that I have been trained as an autism therapist. And it took someone else outside the field to help me ‘get it’.  So much communication happens on that area of the face. I have been struggling myself since COVID because I can’t tell how people are feeling with their faces covered.

Face Masks block Facial expressions

I rely on the tiny muscle movements of the face to know what people are thinking. And to know how they are feeling. We can’t always control our faces and you can see pain and grief on someone even when they are actively trying to hide it.

A lot of conversation happens on the face. The tiny muscles around the mouth alone can tell you a person’s mood and if they are stressed.

And there is always a momentary flash of a person’s true feelings before they can catch themselves and put their social mask back on. They are called micro expressions, and they are involuntary emotional leakage that I find very revealing.

Humor and a face mask

A lot of autistic people struggle with sarcasm. Understanding Sarcasm requires being able to understand what you are seeing on the face because the words said don’t match the facial expression.

In fact, they are usually the opposite. That’s why my son struggled so much with learning how to understand sarcasm.

And it’s why he still struggles with humor and telling jokes. Because he can’t tell if his audience is following the story, or if they have understood the punch line. So often he will repeat something he finds hilarious, but without context his audience is confused. Because of his struggles, videos are a great way to teach him because he will see the faces and gets better at understanding them.

Facial expressions and compassion

Facial expressions are also vital for understanding compassion, and people’s feelings.

So imagine everyone in the world is always wearing a face mask all the time. It would make it harder to do their job, and make friends. For me this has been a major breakthrough in understanding my son and family members on the autism spectrum.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen a change in how people interact in public since the face mask mandate went into effect. People are more distant, and less friendly. The world has become a sea of eyes, and even though my imagination fills in the gaps to create a face, it’s not the same.

Face Masks can help us understand

Now I understand better why my son struggles with social situations. He has been seeing empty faces all these years. It also explains why making eye contact is hard for him.

To read more of Abby’s articles, click here.

When you have no information coming from the rest of the face, the eyes are not that helpful. They just become a point of stress since you know the person is looking at you and expecting something from you.

Hopefully this has helped you understand a little more about the communication struggles autistic individuals have. I have a lot more compassion and patience now for my son, and it has given me another angle to help him. Because if we can practice facial expressions at home it will be easier for him in the world.

Abby Christianson

Abby is capable and caring. She is learning more about Autism and parenthood every day. Having completed training to be an RBT (Registered Behavior Technician) for ABA therapy she is beginning to understand her son. And even though she is the first to admit she makes a lot of mistakes, she is so grateful to be on this journey. She comes from a family with many autistic members. She invites us to join her, as she shares her adventures. She wishes to emphasize that Autism is a difference not a defect. If you or a family member have autism, Abby wants you to know that the challenges can be overcome, and there are blessings in autism. You or your loved one are not sick or broken. Together we will teach the world this new language.

First, I need you to know that my experiences have been with elementary aged kids. I know some high schools are getting more progressive and have decompression rooms. The kids at these high schools are encouraged to go use the facility when they feel they need it.

But young children are not in tune with their needs and often can’t tell you when they need a break. They may not even be able to identify the emotion they are feeling in the moment. As the leader in the classroom it will fall to you to guarantee these kids get their breaks.

Should these changes be made only in special needs classrooms, or in every classroom? I would say that they should be in every classroom.

The higher functioning an autistic individual is, the later their diagnosis often occurs. So, there are children in your classroom that simply haven’t been diagnosed. And every individual will benefit from a more soothing environment. With that in mind, let’s dive in.

Switch to LED

So many schools have the dreaded fluorescent lighting. Sensitive individuals can see the tiny flickers that occur in a traditional fluorescent bulb. And they are known to cause migraines and a more stressful environment.

A simple switch to an LED bulb would make a huge difference in the classroom. LED lighting is better for the human nervous system and uses a lot less electricity. So, you are saving the planet along with helping your students.

Soothing colors

When you are preparing your classroom for the coming year, the colors you choose can make a big difference. A lot of elementary teachers will use the whole color scheme creating a rainbow of color in their classroom.

Fun as this sounds, for sensitive children this is quite overwhelming. If you will reduce your color palette to two or three more relaxing colors (think spa), these kids will have an easier time. If you are looking for inspiration, blues and greens are soothing. But as long as you keep to a couple colors you should be fine.

Reducing the number of decorations on the walls will also help distractible and sensitive individuals. I’ve been in classrooms where every inch of wall space is covered in posters, projects, banners and flags. Your eyes don’t know where to look first. Although visually interesting, this will quickly become overwhelming for a young child trying to focus.

Reduce clutter

Recently I was consulting an expert on how to make my homeschool room better for my son. I wanted to help reduce distractions, and her first suggestion shocked me. She said I needed to clear the clutter.

Every pile of papers, supplies, books and projects draws the distractible eye away from the subject you are discussing. She recommended that I only have out what we are doing right then.

And as we finish a topic that we should put away the supplies for that subject before we get out the next. In this way young minds are able to focus on what you have planned.

She taught me that for an ASD individual, or one with ADD/ADHD, their favorite topics are always swirling in their minds. If they love vacuum cleaners, Xbox, and hamsters, all these intense interests are there competing with your message for airtime.

That’s why they often seem in their own world, because their internal dialogue is busy! So decreasing the external noise, and clutter, is vital.

Engage more

For a kid who has a lot going on in his mind, getting more parts of his body engaged in the world will increase his focus. Having soothing music without a dominating melody is one great way to do that. Enya, Yani, or classical music turned down very low will give you a soothing background.

Also having the students read then write a summary of what they just read engages more of their body and mind. Hands on projects, or even having quiet fidget toys handy can help keep your audience engaged.

Finally, multi Modal learning is something my son’s doctor recommended when she gave him his diagnosis. I have learned multi modal means multiple communication types being used at once.

A video is multi modal because there are pictures and sounds. Building a model is multi modal because you are reading instructions as you assemble it. So the more you can integrate multi modal learning into the classroom, the better for these kids.

Avoid strong smells and bright lights

This is all a balancing act, so my next suggestion may sound weird. Keep the scents in the room to a minimum.  Some kids are sensitive to smells, and for a sensitive kid one more sense being too engaged can lead to a meltdown.

Overly bright lights are often overwhelming too. If your classroom gets a lot of sunlight, especially direct sunlight, make sure to use the shades. No student can learn when the sun is in their eyes. And reducing the intensity of the light will help calm your nerves as well.

Separate place for lunch

Something that never occurred to me until my son was refusing to go to lunch at school, was how overwhelming all the different smells and sounds were for him.

His lunchroom held 2-3 grades at a time. And with several hundred lunches the smells mixed in his super sensitive nose and made him want to gag. So, we asked the administration if he could eat lunch in the conference room.

They soon had a small group of kids (all sensitive to the noise of the lunchroom) eating together every day. When a principal is mindful of their student’s needs, they can be a powerful ally. If you can manage it, a separate location for lunch will help these sensitive kids a lot.

Sound dampening panels

To read more of Abby’s articles, click here.

One of the drawbacks of a large room, such as a school room, is that it tends to echo. The walls bounce the noise around and magnify the cacophony of sound. Traditional sound dampening panels are expensive.

But I found a tutorial where you can make your own from an artist’s canvas filled with bath towels. We put them up in my son’s room and covered them with posters. It’s a creative way to reduce the noise and it has helped my son sleep better.

If you have read this far, you are dedicated to helping your students be more comfortable at school. I commend you! These changes can make a big difference. And with a more friendly learning environment, everyone will go home at the end of the day less stressed.

Abby Christianson

Abby is capable and caring. She is learning more about Autism and parenthood every day. Having completed training to be an RBT (Registered Behavior Technician) for ABA therapy she is beginning to understand her son. And even though she is the first to admit she makes a lot of mistakes, she is so grateful to be on this journey. She comes from a family with many autistic members. She invites us to join her, as she shares her adventures. She wishes to emphasize that Autism is a difference not a defect. If you or a family member have autism, Abby wants you to know that the challenges can be overcome, and there are blessings in autism. You or your loved one are not sick or broken. Together we will teach the world this new language.

For anyone reading this and not familiar with autism, high functioning autistic individuals are what we are talking about. Severely autistic children are nonverbal and will not be placed in a main stream classroom.

Autism is a Developmental delay

What many teachers don’t realize, and I have only understood lately, is that autism is a developmental delay. So children with it will seem less mature than their peers.

They will not have mastered zippers and tying their shoes when others did. Lego and art projects will be more difficult for them. And in some cases, drawing will be almost worse than getting a shot.

My son was 9 when he finally could tie his shoes himself. And at 11 he still ends up with knots in his laces that he can’t manage on his own. Be patient. They can’t help that they haven’t mastered these things.

And your understanding will help relieve some of the stress they feel knowing they are behind their peers. In my son’s case his aversion to drawing and art were so significant the teacher at his school for autistic kids chose to allow him to do as much as he desired and then move on to reading a book.

Executive functioning= slow down

When my son was diagnosed with autism the Dr said there was an executive function deficiency in all autistic kids. I had no idea what that meant.

It wasn’t until I watched my son at the eye doctor that I began to understand. She had him look into the optometrist tool with all the lenses. And she asked him, which looks clearer, 1 or 2, 1 or 2. She was going very fast and my son just sat there.

I realized he couldn’t process what he was seeing and turn it into a verbal response fast enough for the speed she was going. So, I asked her to slow down. After she slowed down, he was able to answer her.

That is what executive functioning is, it’s the ability to process the world around you and respond appropriately. The real definition is much more complicated, but it can be summed up that way.

So, when you have a child on the spectrum in your classroom, you will need to slow down instructions. You will need to simplify them. My son still struggles to follow multi step instructions. So, you will make your life and theirs easier by giving one instruction at a time to allow them to follow it successfully.

Be kind

Extra kindness will be required of you when working with a child with autism. They often need to reset their insides by “stimming”.

A stim can be hand flapping, whooping sounds, little humming tunes that repeat, or even saying the same word repeatedly.

This happens when they are overstimulated, and it is actually a self calming technique. But these stims can be disruptive. You can encourage less distracting stims but being sensitive and kind will show the class how to treat this child.

They will follow your example. Sadly, in my son’s case his teacher often yelled at him, and the class soon followed suit. These kids are sensitive to your criticism and yelling can scare them. This only adds stress to an already difficult situation, because these children will be often overwhelmed by life.

My son had to be removed from school halfway through second grade because the environment had become so toxic for him.

For my son, the stress of trying to keep his teacher happy while dealing with his own issues, triggered an anxiety disorder.

And school became a nightmarish haze. I know that you are not like his teacher. But my motivation in creating this blog is to help all teachers so no other child suffers like my son did.

Communicate

As the front-line leader of the class you will witness things others will not. If you have a suspicion that a child needs help, say something. Ask the special ed team to evaluate the child.

You may be answering prayers from a worried mother. Early intervention is key to helping an autistic child overcome their challenges.

My son was finally diagnosed at 6 because my own mother found the courage to tell me that she saw something off with my son. And when he started going to ABA therapy his behavior improved dramatically.

That line of communication changed his life for the better. And I shudder to think how long he would have struggled if I hadn’t had her help. So don’t be afraid to be wrong.

You got this

Thank you for researching ways to help the students in your care. You will bless lives, and hopefully this information will create a better classroom experience for all of you.

To read more of Abby’s articles, click here.

As a mother I can tell you that my son’s teachers have a profound impact on his life. And the fact you are trying gives me confidence you will succeed in your efforts.

The world is a hard place and having a safe place to land is vital. As you work to understand your students, you will help prepare them for the world. Thank you for all you do.

Please check out my third article in this series; How to make your classroom more sensory friendly.

Abby Christianson

Abby is capable and caring. She is learning more about Autism and parenthood every day. Having completed training to be an RBT (Registered Behavior Technician) for ABA therapy she is beginning to understand her son. And even though she is the first to admit she makes a lot of mistakes, she is so grateful to be on this journey. She comes from a family with many autistic members. She invites us to join her, as she shares her adventures. She wishes to emphasize that Autism is a difference not a defect. If you or a family member have autism, Abby wants you to know that the challenges can be overcome, and there are blessings in autism. You or your loved one are not sick or broken. Together we will teach the world this new language.

These young children will need the most help managing the stress and anxiety school can induce. But the same principals apply to older children, just not with as much intensity. As the teacher in the classroom you are on the front lines. And your support can make all the difference in a young life.

Autistic with no diagnosis?

It has been my experience that the more-high functioning the child, (less severe the autism challenges) and the less experienced the parents are with autism, the later the diagnosis.

So, you may have children in your class who aren’t even aware why they are struggling. They could be autistic or have an unrecognized learning disability.

That is why it matters so much that you know what to do to help them. You may need to approach the administration to get an aide or some other support. But these tips will help you know if that support is needed and guide you when things get difficult. And I hope it will help you be a more confident teacher.

Discipline is different

When a child is autistic, their brain is different. It’s like comparing a PC to a MAC computer. They both function wonderfully when you know how they work, but until you do they can be confusing. Discipline is one of those areas that is very different than how you grew up.

For autistic kids positive reinforcement is the best way, and really the only lasting way, to modify behavior. Try to stay away from punishments because that will only make the situation worse.

And never take recess away. That is the break the child needs to reset their behavior and be ready to try again. Instead I will teach you a few tricks for positive reinforcement.

Small steps

In ABA (autism) therapy they teach children skills by breaking them down into small steps. And after each success they get immediate small rewards, i.e. one M&M. This encourages them to try for the next success. As a teacher I would print off a chart where the student gets a sticker reward or earns computer time for good behavior.

Make sure the expected behavior is clearly understood. You may need to explain it a few times, or even model it for the child. And I find that telling stories about my childhood (sometimes referred to as social stories) help the child grasp the concept easily. If you are interested in social stories google has several.

Be sure to start with small goals and help them see they can succeed. Remember baby steps when setting goals to be sure they are achievable.

Then as they master a skill, and see they can achieve it, gradually increase what is expected of them. But don’t go too fast or you will discourage them.

I would start with giving yourself plenty of time to master the first goal, and build slowly. That is the key to ABA, small steps to help them master skills. You are welcome to reach out to me for help creating a plan.

And the special ed team at your school will know how to implement this kind of thing. If the child attends ABA therapy their therapists are the gold standard for goal setting for the child. I’d reach out to them too.

Gauging an autistic meltdown

There are times when a child has had too much and just has a meltdown. It may be in class, or somewhere else. How can you tell if it is a true meltdown from overwhelm or a behavioral problem?

There will be some physical symptoms like flushed face, overheating, being distracted, being tuned out to what is happening around them, and fidgeting. For my son he would fall out of his chair.

But for me the hard and fast rule I use is this: when they are having a fit, and you give them what they want, does the behavior stop?

If they have any control over themselves, they will stop acting out when they get what they want. But if they are truly overwhelmed and needing help, they won’t be able to stop. At this point the child needs comfort, understanding, and a quiet place to decompress.

Help child remember their breaks

The key to managing a peaceful classroom is avoiding overwhelm and melt downs. That is why sensory breaks are a vital part of any autistic child’s day. When my son was in second grade his teacher felt overwhelmed and put my son in charge of his own sensory breaks.

She set up a table in the corner that had his container of sand that he would play in when he was taking his break. But she wouldn’t remind him when it was time for them.

A child on the spectrum will not know how to tell when they need a break. And often these breaks are designed to keep them balanced. Missed breaks will lead to acting out. So I would set an alarm, a reminder, and make sure the child takes their break on time, every time.

Especially on challenging days this will be a life saver for you both. Consistency will keep them calm and balanced and your classroom peaceful. DO NOT take away recess as that will cause a spiral in bad behavior.

Bathroom breaks need to be longer

One of the little known facts about autistic kids is that toileting is often a challenge. For a hundred reasons any child with an autism diagnosis, or suspected diagnosis, will need longer in the restroom.

My son’s teacher didn’t understand that he needed more time and started making him hold it till lunch time because she felt he always took too long. She would even time him and send other students in after him, but that lead to teasing, greater stress, and meltdowns. Sadly we had to pull him out of public school because she was unable or unwilling to give him the support he needed.

To read more of Abby’s articles, click here.

To this day he suffers from side effects of her choices in those days. But you can help your autistic students to navigate their challenges in a supportive and encouraging environment.

(This article became too long to keep google happy, so please find the second half at How To Help An Autistic Child In The Classroom Part 2)

Abby Christianson

Abby is capable and caring. She is learning more about Autism and parenthood every day. Having completed training to be an RBT (Registered Behavior Technician) for ABA therapy she is beginning to understand her son. And even though she is the first to admit she makes a lot of mistakes, she is so grateful to be on this journey. She comes from a family with many autistic members. She invites us to join her, as she shares her adventures. She wishes to emphasize that Autism is a difference not a defect. If you or a family member have autism, Abby wants you to know that the challenges can be overcome, and there are blessings in autism. You or your loved one are not sick or broken. Together we will teach the world this new language.

What I wish I could have told you

Looking back on my life, I know there were times where I was confusing, frustrating, or just bewildering to my parents, teachers, and others. They didn’t understand my behavior, and I couldn’t explain to them why I did what I did.

I was reminded recently of a verse of Proverbs in the Bible: “Speak for those who cannot speak for themselves.”

And I’m going to start by speaking for my younger self. What follows is an open letter to my parents, teachers, and other people around me when I was growing up. Hopefully, it will help you.

To My Mom

Mom, I’m sorry that I was a picky eater. I didn’t know how to tell you that some foods and textures just looked weird to me. They didn’t appeal to me at all, I refused to try them, and I know it made things harder.

Mustard was a strange yellow color. Potato salad seemed too lumpy. Broccoli, unless well cooked, often made me gag – it wasn’t dislike, it was a simple gag reflex due to the texture. And I’m sure there were others that I’m not recalling now.

But I like those foods now, and I wish I would have been willing to try them sooner. I love potato salad. Mustard I like, although plain yellow mustard still looks weird to me – I prefer a nice, stone-ground mustard. (I’ve become a foodie.)

Broccoli, I will admit, I’m still a little leery of sometimes.

To my Dad

Dad, I’m sorry for the times when it seemed I was arrogant, or that I had to be right.

I saw the world a certain way, and I couldn’t see it any other way. The world was a scary, confusing place for me that I had trouble making sense of.

I had carved out a certain worldview to make sense of that chaos, and I think I had defended it out of a sense of self-preservation.

And I was definitely tactless and argumentative in defending that worldview. I know we got annoyed with each other. And it led to us arguing at times.

I’m sorry for the times we fought.

To My Teachers

To my teachers, I’m sorry for how confusing I could be at times. The classroom was a confusing place for me, and I just didn’t understand the social rules of the classroom that my peers did, except for the laid-out classroom rules.

I feel especially bad for my fourth-grade teachers. I started bursting out in tears in class, for no apparent reason.

I think that year, the gap between what I understood socially and what I was expected to understand, reached its peak. I became overwhelmed, and tears started to flow.

My teachers had no idea what was going on. And we didn’t either. High-functioning autism was barely known at the time, Asperger’s Syndrome had just been made an official diagnosis the year before, and we wouldn’t figure out I was autistic for another couple years. At the time, I was just a kid who got overwhelmed with no explanation.

To Everyone else

To my parents and everyone that had to deal with my nervousness in dealing with talking to people on the phone, I’m sorry. Talking to people on the phone was scary because it was confusing and unpredictable.

It was hard to know what kind of reaction I would get. Would the person be nice? Helpful? Impatient? Annoyed?

On the phone, I was entirely dependent on my words. And I wasn’t good at getting words to come out the way I wanted.

I got nervous and wouldn’t be able to think clearly as to what I should say. Things would come out wrong. And I was scared of saying the wrong thing and people getting mad at me.

To be honest, I haven’t shaken this fear and discomfort yet. Making phone calls is still hard for me. There are people in my life that still have to deal with my reluctance to call people on the phone.

There are many more things that I wish I could have said to many more people. There are lots of little moments where I wish I could have explained what was going on and apologized to the people I upset with things I said or did.

And so, I write this blog, to help you better understand when you and your loved one are facing similar, and hopefully say the kinds of things they wish they could.

Abby Christianson

Abby is capable and caring. She is learning more about Autism and parenthood every day. Having completed training to be an RBT (Registered Behavior Technician) for ABA therapy she is beginning to understand her son. And even though she is the first to admit she makes a lot of mistakes, she is so grateful to be on this journey. She comes from a family with many autistic members. She invites us to join her, as she shares her adventures. She wishes to emphasize that Autism is a difference not a defect. If you or a family member have autism, Abby wants you to know that the challenges can be overcome, and there are blessings in autism. You or your loved one are not sick or broken. Together we will teach the world this new language.

My friends have asked me what it’s like being my son’s mom. I am here to tell you that it’s a LOT of mental effort! If it’s not trying to keep up with his intense interests, it’s a lot of mind work to keep him safe and to keep up with him during his logic battles. Being a special needs mom, or an autism mom, is challenging. When your kid is high functioning, they really keep you on your toes. And today, this mom’s brain is tired!

He’s Amazing

Don’t get me wrong, I am so proud of my son. He is smart and dedicated to his interests, and he can do amazing things. For years now, he has been taking things apart and fixing them up. This last week, a teenager in our neighborhood brought his broken Xbox 360 over for my son to fix. We have kids over nearly every week to fix their consoles, and my son loves being asked to help.

It’s something I am so used to that I forget it’s unusual for an 11-year-old to have such a skill. When this boy came over, his father complained that his son was grounded and not allowed to play with friends. I laughed. His dad doesn’t know how young my son is. It made my mommy heart proud that a dad assumed that an 11-year-old wasn’t going to be fixing an Xbox.

Jr Repair Man VS My Tired Brain

My son has been mechanically inclined for a long time. We used to buy broken robot vacuums from the thrift store and he would fix them up and gift them to people.

My in-laws don’t understand autism and worried that my son was going to be deeply disabled when he was first diagnosed.

It wasn’t until he presented them with a Roomba he had fixed up that they really understood that autism has wonderful parts, too. This was last year when my son was 10, and I loved seeing my father-in-law swell with pride.

I am grateful for the good parts of being an autism mom. Here are some of the stressful parts.

Experiments Don’t End

When my son is learning how things work, he can get dangerous. When he was 7, he wanted to explore electricity.

He wouldn’t listen when I told him about the dangers of electricity, and one day I discovered he had pulled an outlet out of the wall to inspect it. That scared me so badly! I have written more about that time here.

Lately my son has been collecting vintage smoke alarms. He found some YouTube channels about them and just loves the different sounds they make. He will test them for hours (while wearing ear protection) and thinks they are the greatest thing. This week, though, he wanted to take his exploration to a new and dangerous level.

He had purchased an alarm that was hardwired and would only sound if attached to the home electricity. He is too young for me to allow him to expose bare wires and hook up these different alarms — so he got creative.

Suicide Cord

He begged me to let him take an extension cord and cut it to expose the wires. Then he wanted to splice in the mounting wiring that a smoke detector would use.

His intention was to plug this into the wall to let him test the hardwired alarms whenever he wanted to. In case you don’t know, this is VERY DANGEROUS.

His determined little mind was so sure this would work that I spent over an hour trying to explain how dangerous it was. My brother is an electrician and I finally had to reach out to him for backup.

It wasn’t until my brother explained that it was so dangerous that it was not legal for an electrician to create such a device, but that they called it a “suicide cord,” that my son would accept no for an answer.

My Brain is Tired

That was yesterday. Today my son came to me and wanted to take the radioactive americium 241 out of the smoke alarms to create a homemade cloud chamber. He doesn’t understand how radiation poisoning works, so that had to be explained.

Then he wanted to create wearable shielding while doing this experiment, and it truly took all my mental energy to stay a step ahead of him while looking out for dangers to get him to drop that plan.

Now before you condemn me for complaining, I do know my son is a bit of a genius. I do love that he loves to learn. And I know that he will do great things one day. But keeping him alive in the meantime is mentally exhausting, and today I am tired.

But I am so grateful for my worried mother mind that helps me see every possible danger for my young son. Because he doesn’t see them for himself. And he must have everything logically explained before he will seek a different route to his goal. His determination makes the word “No” seem like a launching pad for negotiation.

Gratitude

To read more of Abby’s articles, click here.

SO next time your friend who has a special needs child tells you she is tired, I hope you will understand better why that may be. Every kid is different, but every child will keep you on your toes. And sometimes you just feel tired.

Oh, and if you have home appliances and know your friend’s child loves to take things apart, please don’t bring over the old microwave.

That thing has a huge capacitor in it that can’t be discharged and will electrocute anyone who tries to take it apart. We learned that one just in time. Man, I have never been so grateful for YouTube tutorials. They fill in a lot of the gaps my tired brain can miss.

Abby Christianson

Abby is capable and caring. She is learning more about Autism and parenthood every day. Having completed training to be an RBT (Registered Behavior Technician) for ABA therapy she is beginning to understand her son. And even though she is the first to admit she makes a lot of mistakes, she is so grateful to be on this journey. She comes from a family with many autistic members. She invites us to join her, as she shares her adventures. She wishes to emphasize that Autism is a difference not a defect. If you or a family member have autism, Abby wants you to know that the challenges can be overcome, and there are blessings in autism. You or your loved one are not sick or broken. Together we will teach the world this new language.

My original diagnosis that put me on the Autism Spectrum came when I was two. Because of a speech and motor delay, I was diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified (PDD-NOS). PDD-NOS is now essentially considered a milder form of autism.

However, at the time of my diagnosis, Autism Spectrum Disorder wasn’t a thing. Even with a diagnosis of PDD-NOS, I wasn’t considered to have autism.

When I was 10, due to social challenges that led to me breaking down in tears at school, I was taken to the joint practice of a psychiatrist and psychologist. The psychiatrist said “I’ve never seen anyone quite like Dan, but maybe ADHD medication will help.”

The psychiatrist didn’t know what to make of me because high-functioning autism was hardly known at all at the time. It had only become an official diagnosis a couple years before.

I was placed on Ritalin, and then dexedrine when the Ritalin didn’t help my symptoms. Ultimately, neither helped, because I don’t have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder).

However, it is fairly common for Autism and ADHD to occur together. Almost every day I see accounts from parents about their children that have both. And Autism and ADHD both run in my family.

So, why do Autism and ADHD occur together so often?

ADHD

Like autism, ADHD is a complex disorder. There is no single cause of it. There are a number of different things that can cause it, sometimes in combination with each other.

First, let’s look at what allows the brain to focus and learn. It’s a combination of three things: serotonin (the happy hormone that regulates mood), dopamine (the reward chemical), and norepinephrine (one of the fight-or-flight chemicals).

Image Credit: www.betterhelp.com

As you can see from the diagram above, the brain needs all three to be in balance in order for proper attention, focus, and learning to take place. If any of these are lacking, the process is hindered.

Research has found that three factors can be going on in ADHD:

• Low serotonin, causing anxiety and issues with mood control

• Low norepinephrine, leading to low impulse control

• Glutamate/GABA imbalance, causing over-excitement

For reference on that last point, as I’ve talked about before in the my article on the stress response, glutamate is the main excitatory chemical that gets the body going, and GABA (gamma aminobutyric acid) is the main inhibitory chemical that calms the body down.

When GABA and glutamate are out of balance, focusing is difficult because the body is either a) too excited to focus (too much glutamate), or b) doesn’t have enough nerve activity to focus (too much GABA).

The majority of ADHD medications available today treat the low norepinephrine, including the ones I was prescribed. In my case, it didn’t help because norepinephrine tends be high in autism instead. I’ll go into how to treat the other two factors later in this article.

Autism overlap

So, what do Autism and ADHD have in common? As it turns out, there are common causes between the two.

Low serotonin As I’ve talked about before, serotonin tends to be low in the brain in autism, thanks to a vitamin D deficiency. Vitamin D tells the body whether or not to make the enzyme that makes serotonin from tryptophan. Supplementing vitamin D can bring serotonin levels back to normal

Glutamate/GABA imbalance In autism, this balance is also off, tending towards too much glutamate because of the stress response. Supplementing magnesium and vitamin B6 can help correct the imbalance. Magnesium can help calm down the stress response by helping the body eliminate the extra norepinephrine and adrenaline contributing to the stress response. Vitamin B6 can also help by turning the extra glutamate into GABA.

No simple answers

As I’ve come to find, there are no easy answers when treating both Autism and ADHD. They have some common factors, but like in the case of norepinephrine (high in autism but low in ADHD), there can be conflicting factors. I’ve given some foundation about what’s going on in each of them, but if you’re dealing with both, I highly recommend talking to a doctor about how best to treat them.

And as I always say, if you’re interested in trying the supplements I’ve talked about, please talk to your doctor about dosages.

This article was previously published on Decodingmyautism.net.

Abby Christianson

Abby is capable and caring. She is learning more about Autism and parenthood every day. Having completed training to be an RBT (Registered Behavior Technician) for ABA therapy she is beginning to understand her son. And even though she is the first to admit she makes a lot of mistakes, she is so grateful to be on this journey. She comes from a family with many autistic members. She invites us to join her, as she shares her adventures. She wishes to emphasize that Autism is a difference not a defect. If you or a family member have autism, Abby wants you to know that the challenges can be overcome, and there are blessings in autism. You or your loved one are not sick or broken. Together we will teach the world this new language.

The unfamiliar can be scary for a kid, especially when that kid has autism.

But those scary things need to happen. Things like trips to the dentist, haircuts, babysitters, or moving. These can all be rough, if not feel impossible to get through, with the challenges that autism presents.

I confess that I don’t have children myself, and I won’t pretend to know what it’s like to be a parent, especially one to a child with autism. Thankfully, mine is hardly the only website around with advice about autism. Here are some resources that might help you.

How to Help Your Child with ASD Overcome Her Fear of the Dentist

As this article points out, an ASD child isn’t giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time. A trip to the dentist can be scary for any child (and even some adults), and this is especially true for autistics. Challenges with the unfamiliar, and sensory issues, can make it really hard. This article offers advice about finding the right dentist, and preparing for the visit.

Clear communication can make doctor visits successful for children with autism

Trips to the doctor offer similar challenges to that of the dentist. Unfamiliar places and people, bright lights, and strong smells can be hard for a child with autism. The waiting room can be really hard, especially if your child has trouble sitting still. This article offers advice such as bringing a comfort item, and having the healthcare providers use simple, direct communication when talking to the child.

Have them be honest and direct with the child as well. My neurotypical wife went to the chiropractor as a child, and was told that popping sounds in her joint were because she had eaten popcorn, and that he was popping them out.

In her case, knowing they weren’t being honest created distrust and fear. But for a child with autism, they may not understand that the doctor is kidding, and will get confused.

10 tips for getting your Autistic child through a haircut

When you have sensory issues, you often don’t like things coming near your head. But that’s rather necessary for a haircut. Haircuts can be a huge challenge in autism. Like with the dentist, this article suggests things like finding the right hairdresser, preparing for the appointment, and asking for accommodations.

The Top 3 Challenges to Finding a Babysitter for Your Special Needs Child — and How to Overcome Them

All parents need to get away sometimes, and this again can be especially true with autism. But it can be a challenge finding a babysitter ready to handle the challenges that autism presents. As the title suggests, this article offers advice on how to find the right babysitter.

It includes introducing your potential babysitter to your kid(s) ahead of time and seeing how it goes. This is especially valuable with a child with autism, who might resist a new, unfamilar person.

How to Help Your Child with Autism Cope During and After a Move

My family moved when I was 5 (we moved two other times before that, but I was too young to remember). We moved from Chicago to Pennsylvania, staying in a few hotels along the way. I did not understand at the time what was going on. A few weeks after moving to our new house, I said “I don’t like this hotel anymore, mommy. When are we going home?”

When you’re autistic, you depend on structure and routine, and nothing disrupts that more than moving. This article offers suggestions like talking them through it, and packing the autistic child’s belongings last, and unpacking them first, to minimize disruptions.

Things like haircuts, babysitters, trips to the dentist or doctor, and moving, can be scary but necessary things with a child with autism. Hopefully in these resources you’ll find advice to help make it easier.

This article was previously published on Decoding My Autism.net

Abby Christianson

Abby is capable and caring. She is learning more about Autism and parenthood every day. Having completed training to be an RBT (Registered Behavior Technician) for ABA therapy she is beginning to understand her son. And even though she is the first to admit she makes a lot of mistakes, she is so grateful to be on this journey. She comes from a family with many autistic members. She invites us to join her, as she shares her adventures. She wishes to emphasize that Autism is a difference not a defect. If you or a family member have autism, Abby wants you to know that the challenges can be overcome, and there are blessings in autism. You or your loved one are not sick or broken. Together we will teach the world this new language.

Some very dear friends of mine have a daughter in elementary school who has recently been diagnosed with autism.  It took them several years of dealing with emotional dis-regulation, anxiety, outbursts, and fighting to get to this point and now they’re adjusting and trying to learn how to do the best they can for her.  I’ve offered some of the same advice you’ll see throughout the autistic community – make sure you don’t gaslight her or deny her experience.  But that brought up a question: “Where’s the line between correcting and gaslighting?  Do we just let her define the experience incorrectly?”  A loaded question, to be sure.  So here’s what I want to tell parents about how not to gaslight autistic kids.’

FIRST, CHANGE YOUR MINDSET

First things first, leave off that idea of a “correct” interpretation of an experience.  There’s no such thing.  If you are a non-autistic or neurotypical parent of an autistic child, your child’s senses are different than yours.

Autism is a difference in neurology – we’re literally wired differently than NTs.  Our senses work differently, which is why we stim, why we show sensory-seeking or sensory-avoidant behavior, and why we get overwhelmed.  It’s why we love certain textures and hate certain smells, and why we insist on our samefoods that we know and love.  Our senses are amplified in ways we can’t fully explain to you because we don’t know your experience of living with NT senses.

We don’t understand how you’re not bothered by the sound of fluorescent lights or how you can stand strongly flavored mint toothpaste, but we generally don’t go around telling you you’re wrong for it.

WORDING IS SO IMPORTANT

The difference between correcting and gaslighting is the difference between telling a child with a scraped, bleeding knee “You’re ok, you just need a band-aid” and telling them “That didn’t hurt”.  One of those statements is an outright lie.

Scraping your knee most certainly does hurt, and if you tell a child it didn’t, that’s gaslighting.  But they are ok, even though it hurts, and when you tell them that and help them through the steps of how to handle it (wash the wound, get a band-aid, maybe also a kiss), you’re teaching them how to deal with future scrapes and bruises.

One accepts the experience and helps the child become more independent in the future.  The other tells the child that their experience/pain/distress is NOT REAL.

I cannot overstate how important word choice is when communicating with an autistic person.  Because we are so literal, if we say something like “this water is too hot” and get told “no it’s not”, we hear You are wrong and your experience is flawed.

Over time, hearing that enough teaches us that we must not trust our senses, even if it’s painful.  This is dangerous.  This leads to kids not telling their parents when they have an abscessed tooth or never mentioning that their shoes are too tight until they have badly ingrown toenails because they figure everyone goes around in pain but nobody else ever complains.

Autistic children will still know that they’re in pain or bothered by some kind of sensory input, but they will assume that it’s normal and that everyone just puts up with it.  So they’ll go about their life in pain because they were told often enough that it didn’t actually hurt.  That’s a breeding ground for meltdowns in the short term and abusive relationships in the long term.

Here’s what I suggest instead:  First, assume an implied “for me” on the end of everything your autistic child says.  “It’s too hot in here (for me)”, “the food is too salty (for me)”, etc.  Second, accept whatever they’ve said about a sensory issue as true.  It doesn’t matter if you are comfortable with the temperature or you like the seasoning, that has no bearing on how an autistic child is experiencing it. Believe them.

DON’T TRY TO CORRECT IT, HELP THEM DEFINE IT

Don’t try to “correct” their experience – because you can’t.  Their experience is their experience and it won’t be the same as yours.  But do try to help them learn as many ways to define their emotions and physical sensations as possible.

Lots of autistic people deal with alexithymia, and we often have trouble differentiating between emotional feelings and physical feelings.  I’m nearing 40 years old and I still struggle with this, despite having worked on it in therapy and practiced describing these things clearly as a fiction writer.

Autistic kids have an even harder time with this because they’re still working on not only understanding the language but also understanding and recognizing their own feelings and their bodies.  We learn these things slower than other children – don’t assume “they should know by now”.  Interoception is a hard skill to master!

So instead of just negating your child’s statement of their experience, give them some options to help them pinpoint their feeling or sensation.

If they say their food is too spicy, ask if they mean it’s spicy or that it’s a hot temperature (I used to mix those up as a kid).  Or if there isn’t anything spicy in the food, do they mean it’s too salty?  Too much salt at once can affect my tongue much like a jalapeno, it really does burn – but don’t ask me what “too much” salt is, because too much for me might be just enough for you.  Anything tangy, like vinegar or citrus, could also be mistaken for “spice”.  Even minty things might be called “spicy”.  Basically, anything that would hurt if you rubbed it on a papercut.

For an autistic child who says some piece of clothing “feels bad” – well, BadFeel textures are definitely a thing!  But it will help them to be able to be more specific, so you could ask if it’s itchy, if it scratches, if the collar is too tight (for me, this means the neckline is too high – I know it isn’t literally tight but it still feels like it’s choking me), if the tag is bothering them, if it’s too tight or too loose, etc.

If none of those get a response, you may just have a BadFeel on your hands, so don’t press the issue.  BadFeel textures are like chewing aluminum foil.  You can usually identify a BadFeel texture by asking if it’s too smooth, too crinkly, does it make too much noise (I’m thinking of windbreakers – uugghhh!!), is it too fuzzy, too nubbly, etc.

The larger vocabulary an autistic child has to describe and define their feelings and sensations, the better equipped they will be for everything in life.

TEACH THEM WAYS TO DEAL WITH THEIR EXPERIENCES

Autistic kids will not “grow out of” their sensory experiences.   We will always experience the world differently.  As parents, the best thing you can do for an autistic child is to teach them ways to cope with their experience of the world.

Never assume that an autistic kid is “taking on” (as my mom called it) or making excuses.  Presume that they are telling you the truth of what they’re experiencing and help them figure out how to work through it.  Sunglasses and ear defenders are easy ways to help a kid who’s sensitive to light or sound and can help them cope with being out in the world.  You might need to remind a child to blow on a hot drink before taking a sip.  Or if they say the water is too hot to wash the dishes, tell them to add some cold water but explain that they’ll have to scrub more or use more soap to make sure the dishes get clean.  Got a scratchy tag?  We can’t ignore it, so don’t even bother with that, but tell them that you can cut it out, see if there’s a way you can tuck it away from their skin, or offer to sew a soft ribbon over it.  As kids get older, you can introduce them to tagless clothes.

The autistic brain doesn’t always make these connections on its own.  Often, we run into a roadblock and we don’t know what to do so we just stop.  By teaching your child that there are ways to work around their sensitivities, you’re not only helping them in the moment.  You’re teaching them two crucial life skills: how to take care of themselves in a world that isn’t made for them, and to always look for options in any situation where they might get stuck.

It’s not difficult to avoid gaslighting autistic kids.  Just accept and expect that they’re telling you the truth and help them work out ways to live in the world anyway.  Assume they’re not being malicious and ask them what they meant, offer them options to choose from.  I know, having been an autistic kid myself, that we’re not that easy to live with.  But I can promise you, your autistic child is doing their best and their best will get better with your support.

This article was previously posted on autisticempath.com it is SO amazing I HAD to share it!

Abby Christianson

Abby is capable and caring. She is learning more about Autism and parenthood every day. Having completed training to be an RBT (Registered Behavior Technician) for ABA therapy she is beginning to understand her son. And even though she is the first to admit she makes a lot of mistakes, she is so grateful to be on this journey. She comes from a family with many autistic members. She invites us to join her, as she shares her adventures. She wishes to emphasize that Autism is a difference not a defect. If you or a family member have autism, Abby wants you to know that the challenges can be overcome, and there are blessings in autism. You or your loved one are not sick or broken. Together we will teach the world this new language.