Falls, bends that would break your back, dumb attempts at dumb behavior, some innocent crashes caught on tape all add up to a big, fame creating “fail.”

I hate failure

I study success, so it is amazing to me why anyone would want to study the opposite.  Why study failure? While watching a person jump off their roof into the pool borders on insane, understanding failures is an intricate process that can ultimately lead to our success.

Ever agonize over a bad grade?  What about a lost game? Losing a contest?  Not getting the goal? Wishing, stewing, and brooding over past failures can lead to discouragement, quitting, and more failure. Many in sports know that when you lose a game, you move on.  In a lot of ways it helps to let it go and start fresh on the next endeavor.  We hate even thinking about losing.  Attraction theory suggests that just thinking about losing can bring it to you, and we tend to notice and exaggerate what we focus on.  How could there be any advantage to studying failure?      

I love failure

I have been studying behavior change and helping people reach their goals for the last several months and I’m so excited to share with you the things I’ve learned.  One thing I learned is that I like failure.  I might have to remind myself why.

Beginners make mistakes.  No kidding.  It is hard to be a beginner.  So, if you are starting a new class, a new subject, a new skill, you have to expect to fail, or at least fall over and over again.  We all know Edison failed more than most people we know, and he ended up a huge success almost because of it. He was willing to try things that might not work.  He was willing to fail and try again.

Albert Einstein said, “It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.”  He was willing to not know, not understand, and keep trying to solve those problems.  So, success usually requires mistakes and endurance.  If we are too afraid to fail, we might not start or overcome the obstacles that are both essential to success.  

There is a thrill to trying new things, things you might fail at.  I read a personality survey that listed this type of courageous person as “thrill-seeking”.  I hated the negative portrayal, as if this type of trait were necessarily bad.  Might not it also be bad to never try something new?  Never begin something in case you couldn’t finish?  Because what if you succeed beautifully?  What if you do finish?  I don’t think a courageous person who tries new things is necessarily an immature teenager.

I watched a TED Talk that explained the learning curve.  It graphically showed that we learn the most at the beginning.  Advanced participants and learners are learning less content and skill, but that extra, specialized and detailed practice or learning is like the icing on the top.  It is the difference between average and success.  The cherry is the difference between professional quality and world class.  But the greatest amount of learning is at the beginning.  It is the cake.  So, if we are doing something hard that we mess up a lot, we can be assured, we are also in a position of great learning.  I love to learn, therefore, I love failure.

When to Compliment and When to Correct  

My husband and I have been in an ongoing debate our whole marriage about what is most helpful to our children:  encouragement and noticing the positive, or criticism and noticing what is lacking.  I think you can guess that I, the cheerleader, prefer noticing what is done right, compliments, and patience.  My husband, who is the programmer, sees the value in pointing out the “bugs” and correcting them.  Which is best?  

I was very excited to find out in my behavior specialist class that there is a best use for each.  Beginners make a lot of mistakes and will likely find themselves frustrated and less successful if they focus on their mistakes.  Beginners do best when they focus on and celebrate what they do right.  (Go Team!)  

Intermediate learners are most at risk to tire of the persistent effort it takes to succeed.  So, they need encouragement to not quit the daily or incremental process that will lead to success.  The goal in the middle is consistent, persistent effort.  (Go Team!)  

When someone is proficient, then is the time that they need criticism.  An advanced learner will not learn more from someone who is giving them a pat on the back.  They need helpful, specific, and detailed information about what they did wrong and how to correct it.  (Fix that bug.)  A criticized, advanced learner might even thank you for caring enough to teach them the finer points or nuances they can’t yet see. Confident learners are not likely to quit and are not likely to get discouraged by occasional failures in a sea of success.  They need kindly intended, expert criticism.

Are you too hard on yourself?  

Chances are that you started this year off with good intentions.  I spent a good part of the last month studying how to set the best goals and how to succeed at personal change.  I know that most people who start something new will quit before six or seven months is done.  So, it seems, there is a cliff looming somewhere in mid June.  

It might surprise you to know that perfectionism is the acid killer of good intentions with realistic actions. We tend to imagine more and better than is realistic for our stage of learning and the other responsibilities and obligations we already have.  I’ll tell you right now that we are not going to get all our goals perfectly and most certainly not on the first try.  

So, give yourself a little credit for being human.  It is okay to fail.  Not only can we be okay with it, we can hug it like a white blood cell encircles a germ and makes an antibody with it.  If you are a beginner, discouragement is the enemy.  Hug yourself and notice what you have done well.  If you are somewhere in the middle, inconsistency and skipping, quitting, or cheating on daily efforts is the enemy.  

Everyday Disciple- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

Expect obstacles and mistakes to continue.  The ongoing challenges and failures hold key clues about how to predict, compensate for, and avoid or overcome them.  And, when you finally become an expert, help another expert get even better.  They will most likely appreciate it.  

Failure is an opportunity for and maybe even a characteristic of learning.

Who is to say that quitting a goal is wrong?  

One of the most freeing things I’ve learned in my life is how to let something go.  

Only you will really know.

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson

DarEll Hoskisson

DarEll S. Hoskisson loves to do hard things, but not too hard. She shares her own challenges, goals and experiences as she guides you into a realistic path of self-reflection and self-improvement. She shares tips on how to find, know and trust yourself so you can decide if other’s suggestions are right for you.

DarEll has the world a little upside down—where work is play and play is work. She actually thinks other people’s problems are fun to try to solve and lights up with a personal challenge. She loves people, harmony, and excellence. She also loves useful things like tools and ideas that make work faster, easier and more fun.

DarEll married in 1993 and graduated from BYU (1995) with a bachelor’s degree in English and Secondary Education. Since then she was adopted by 5 children and has worked with many non-profits. She is currently a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor—leading pilates and yoga at her local YMCA.

DarEll lives in Florida where she enjoys her family, nature, her work, and encouraging people to live well.

She periodically posts her poems, what she is learning, and service opportunities on her personal blogs:

https://personalabridgements.wordpress.com and https://darellhoskisson.wordpress.com

Fighting Feelings

The “pursuit of happiness” is part of the American dream.  We are free to seek and work for what we want, what we think will make us happy.  I seem to have no trouble going after what I want and making things happen.  For me, the greatest challenge has been figuring out how to get rid of all the things that make me unhappy.  How do I fight feelings that are less than happy?

This morning I’m in pain and feel especially crabby.  Ever feel like you just want to crawl into bed for two more hours and start the whole day over again?  That is how I feel today.  A few years ago, I probably would have done just that.  There is part of myself that still wonders if that isn’t a super good idea.  As part of being authentic, I often act on my feelings.  I have listened to them in a way that was sometimes genuine but other times just plain immature.  I’ve been trying to figure out how to keep my childlike emotional exuberance without carrying along the silly storms of immaturity.  

Unending happiness is, I believe, a dream.  It is a dream I have to let die so that I don’t panic or think something is wrong just because I feel unhappy.  It is completely human to feel sad and negative feelings.  It has to be okay to be human.  Sometimes unhappy feelings give messages worth listening to about what we need to address or change.  But, sometimes a feeling is just a feeling.  Like bad weather, it isn’t a hopeless situation or one we need to fix.  Storms pass all on their own.  

Fleeing Commitments

In order to avoid conflicts, I have resisted commitment.  I want to be there for my children in an emergency.  There is nothing that feels worse to me than doing something that is less important to me than something else.  It is a moral dilemma, a war of values I try hard to avoid.  

When I finally was brave enough to commit to teaching a class for a three month trial period, the very first day I had to teach as the official instructor turned out to be the exact same time as the funeral of a family friend!  It was as if my worst fear had just materialized to prove what I believed, that I can’t be there for those I love with other commitments.  

But, it wasn’t true.  I got a sub for the class, and I was there for the funeral.  I have since realized how loving, connected people are going to have time conflicts because we love.  Moral dilemmas are an identifying problem for good, loving people.  We can’t be there for everyone at the same time, and that is okay.  It has to be.  

Finding Hidden Freedom

In our church we believe in being prepared.  Like Noah built the ark before the rains, we try to get ready for emergencies and have necessities on hand in case they should be needed.  I had no room in my new house for food storage, but in faith, I ordered it anyway having no idea beforehand what I would do with it.  

After it arrived, I put it in the girls’ room (which had three girls in it) and amazingly, they had more space afterwards than before.  This is still unexplainable to me, but I share it because it physically demonstrates what I believe is a true principle.

When we make commitments that need to be made, what doesn’t look like it can possibly fit could fit even better.  It is counter-intuitive, and sounds crazy, but it’s true.  For example, now that I am teaching four days a week, I find it less stressful than when I was teaching one day a week.  It has become a normal part of the routine.  I am freer with more commitment.

When I observe my children, it is even easier to see this principle in action.  When my children are responsible, I trust them, and they have more freedom.  Freedom is inextricably tied to responsibility.  So, those among us who are the most responsible are both the most and the least free.  

We have the greatest freedom of choice and the least available time to make those choices in, because much of our time is already spoken for and people are counting on us.  However, with teamwork, we know we can get free when a true emergency arises.  That makes us free every moment: free to focus on what we are doing, and free to make changes at any time.  

Recognizing Joy

What is your definition of joy?  

Joy, to me, is underlying, foundational happiness no matter what the surface emotion. Joy comes from living a meaningful, loving, and free life full of commitments and responsibilities.  Joy comes from a perspective that sees the purpose and opportunity in challenge and distress.  Joy is impossible without gratitude because joy is finding all there is to appreciate about what is.

Enjoying

It is easy to enjoy a baby, especially if the baby is smiling or sleeping.  Our expectations are low, and the experience of observing the miracle of life is easy to appreciate.

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

I want to keep that same attitude of wonder, awe, and appreciation for things as they are, in all their variety.  I have to let myself let go of things as I think they ought to be, even within myself.  

The path of joy is full of work, emotion, struggle, and pain.

But, joy is also a constant, underlying satisfaction.  

It is knowing life is worth all its costs.  

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson

DarEll Hoskisson

DarEll S. Hoskisson loves to do hard things, but not too hard. She shares her own challenges, goals and experiences as she guides you into a realistic path of self-reflection and self-improvement. She shares tips on how to find, know and trust yourself so you can decide if other’s suggestions are right for you.

DarEll has the world a little upside down—where work is play and play is work. She actually thinks other people’s problems are fun to try to solve and lights up with a personal challenge. She loves people, harmony, and excellence. She also loves useful things like tools and ideas that make work faster, easier and more fun.

DarEll married in 1993 and graduated from BYU (1995) with a bachelor’s degree in English and Secondary Education. Since then she was adopted by 5 children and has worked with many non-profits. She is currently a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor—leading pilates and yoga at her local YMCA.

DarEll lives in Florida where she enjoys her family, nature, her work, and encouraging people to live well.

She periodically posts her poems, what she is learning, and service opportunities on her personal blogs:

https://personalabridgements.wordpress.com and https://darellhoskisson.wordpress.com

I continue to learn and relearn how important time and order can be.  For example, if I waited to save what was left of my money, there wouldn’t be any to save.  If I wait to save for retirement until I can see it coming, I will have missed all those years of interest income. Like dirty dishes, some things are easier to deal with right away, before they get “dried on and more difficult.”

Critical Needs

Because I am a local leader in my church, I looked into opportunities in our community for group service. I also decided to make a personal investigation to discover what our community needs are.  I was really surprised to learn that the greatest needs (other than continuing financial support) are relational.  We need people who will commit to ongoing relationships with children and youth.  

Committing to an ongoing, dependable relationship with a child or teen is not showy.  It is a long-term investment without an immediate, visible result.  It isn’t easily accomplished in a big group project.  Some of the greatest needs are met one on one over time.

I was just reading an article by Bridgespan that said that the first five years of life are the most critical to the entire future of the child.  They are working to set up non-profit efforts to reach out to these children so young that they won’t even remember it.  Our little ones need us.  

Shallow Characters

When you are watching a movie, how do you know who the villain is?  Who is the hero?  If you notice, the villain is not always evil and bad, and the hero is not always good.  I differentiate them in two ways.  First, by the perspective the audience is allowed to see.  We can understand the good guy’s point of view and the reasons behind his or her actions.  

Second, the first several times we meet the character, whether they seem good or bad, sets their role. The artists carefully control our first impressions and perspective.  When we only get to know people on a superficial level, it is like characterizing them in a two hour show.  First impressions harden on like dirty dishes.  Without effort, we might never understand the “other’s” point of view.  

Why Invest in Relationships?

As Abraham Lincoln said, “The best way to defeat an enemy is to make him your friend.”  It is easy to make an enemy if we have shallow relationships.  We don’t understand what others do or why they hurt us.  It feels personal and uncalled for.  We don’t really know them. That person is the enemy or the “other.”  

Notice how patient you can be with the character flaws of your best friends and family that you love.  We put up with so much!  Maybe too much at times.  This patience or being understanding of others is much easier when we understand where someone is coming from, what they struggle with, and what they are trying to accomplish.  It doesn’t even take a life long commitment or constant close contact to love a person.  But it does require that we take the time to actually get to know them.  

Why Hurry?

In general, relationships are most difficult in the beginning.  It takes effort and time.  But then it becomes a gift that keeps on giving.  When you are on the same team, it takes much less effort to maintain good feelings among friends.  Knowing our friends also means that we know and can call on their strengths.  A good friend is such a blessing.  The sooner we make a friend, the longer we can have that relationship.  

Strong relationships are built on small bricks of experience.  A moment to listen, offering to help, or allowing someone else to influence you, combine to form a bedrock foundation.  This foundation is tested in crisis.  Will you be there, on the team, or on the outside looking in?

I have a friend dying of cancer.  But, I can not be much comfort to her and her family.  I did not know her well enough before.  We don’t have the pathways of communication and comfort already in place.  I’m on the outside looking in–wishing I could help more.  Anything I do to show I care will, I’m sure, be appreciated, but it isn’t the same.  I’m not going through it with them.  

Foul weather friends

If you are already a close friend, those ties become more powerful in crisis.  You are in the trenches together.  You have a friend not in name only, but by your side through it all.  Foul weather friends are few and precious.  We all need people who will still be our friends during and after the devastations in our lives.

We also need mentors who believe in us and see our heroic potential through the inevitable trips and falls on our journey to becoming.  We need people who see us as the protagonist come what may.  Our experiences are not failures if someone can see them as the challenging adventures that always precede victories.  

Tomatoes of Gold

I went to visit a friend recently.  I found out she was horribly sick.  I didn’t take her anything.  I had just stopped in to see if she was okay and let her know I cared.  When I left, I floated out.  She had lifted me and even sent me home with a plate of fresh tomatoes.  

I looked at the tomatoes and all they symbolized: our mutual feelings and the gift she is to me.  I held them in knowing amazement.  They were a physical, outward proof that we just can not give ourselves away without also ending up so blessed by the effort. Her friendship is a source of gold in my life.  

Just tomatoes

So often we don’t do little things because they seem so little.  What if I hadn’t stopped by because I had nothing physical to offer?  What if she hadn’t shared her tomatoes because they were “just” tomatoes? What we do and give are not as significant as what they mean.  I’m sure she can not know how meaningful her giving to me in her time of need meant to me.  It was like receiving the widow’s mite. These small things are critical investments with miraculous dividends.

Never think you have nothing to give.  The roles of friendship are not so clearly defined.  You can not give without receiving. You can not receive without giving.  Positive relationships are synergistic, projecting benefit to all in connection.  Just being happy has been proven to have a measurable, positive effect on the happiness of your friend’s friends.

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

I hope you will take the time now to invest yourself

And share your “tomatoes.”

I know of no better way to become truly rich.

May your life be full and overflowing with such treasures.  

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson

DarEll Hoskisson

DarEll S. Hoskisson loves to do hard things, but not too hard. She shares her own challenges, goals and experiences as she guides you into a realistic path of self-reflection and self-improvement. She shares tips on how to find, know and trust yourself so you can decide if other’s suggestions are right for you.

DarEll has the world a little upside down—where work is play and play is work. She actually thinks other people’s problems are fun to try to solve and lights up with a personal challenge. She loves people, harmony, and excellence. She also loves useful things like tools and ideas that make work faster, easier and more fun.

DarEll married in 1993 and graduated from BYU (1995) with a bachelor’s degree in English and Secondary Education. Since then she was adopted by 5 children and has worked with many non-profits. She is currently a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor—leading pilates and yoga at her local YMCA.

DarEll lives in Florida where she enjoys her family, nature, her work, and encouraging people to live well.

She periodically posts her poems, what she is learning, and service opportunities on her personal blogs:

https://personalabridgements.wordpress.com and https://darellhoskisson.wordpress.com

Grief changed me.  It was and is surprisingly physical.  My whole body cries and mourns in waves of sour, sweet memory. Foster children and even adopted children mourn losses they don’t understand, sometimes from experiences they don’t even remember.  But our body does.  It is a physical, changing force.  We are never the same.

Feeling Alone

Perhaps one of the most isolating things about grief is that it is so overwhelming, so encompassing that it is very difficult to describe, and even if we could, who can bear to listen to such agony of another without descending into an empathetic agony themselves?   We wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.  It is very difficult to share.

You are not alone.

Grief is a reaction against loss.  We feel so powerless.  We couldn’t stop it.  We can’t turn back time.  I felt so angry that he left me, and so angry at myself for feeling angry.  I know he didn’t leave me on purpose.  I know he didn’t choose to die.  But anger is one way we fight–fight the unbearable reality of the thought of life moving on without.  Without.  Without…

Left alone.  

Not Alone

It isn’t uniquely human to mourn.  Behind our back yard, there was a pasture for two horses.  We used to feed them through the fence.  One day I heard a horrible noise.  I looked out and one of the horses was in the far corner of the field trying to push through and crying out in the strangest, alarming noise I’d ever heard.  I could not understand it and was very worried.  My dad pointed out just beyond the fence, and I saw the owner riding the other horse just beyond where the crying horse was.  It could not stand being separated.  Clearly separation was agony even for an animal.

Yet, it is incredibly human to mourn.  Grieving belongs to the living.  To hear the stories of people’s lives just a few generations ago is to see a people acquainted with grief.  Diseases shut down whole cities at once.  I have an ancestor who was a gardener and florist.  There was one year they had no Christmas celebration at all because they were so busy making funeral arrangements.  Thomas Jefferson, away from his family while working on the Declaration of Independence, returned home to find out that some of them had died while he was away.  Surely they realized how precious life is.  Our healthcare is so good we might cling to a false sense of security.  But life is and always will be a tenuous, miraculous thing–so precious because it ends.     

Through

Although it is courageous and amazing that we dare to love others, in another way, we don’t have much choice.  To refuse to attach to or love anyone is not normal and harmful to try.  To love is to live.  So we really can’t avoid grief.  It will affect us all.  In this way, we have no other choice but to experience it eventually.  We must and do go through.

It is frightening.  We feel we must go through it alone, and in some ways that is true.  Grieving is deeply personal.  It makes us face our greatest fears.  It threatens our foundational feelings of security, and we are so emotionally overwhelmed, we fear it has no end to its depth, magnitude, or duration.  The intensity of grief is not measureable.  

Yet, in spite of it all, we must and do go through.  We make it through.  And, there is an end to the intensity even if there is no end to the painful reality.  We stumble and fall through grief because that is the only way, but there are choices.

Choose to let it move through you

Let it flow you, like the wind.

Sitting on a metal chair outside our library waiting for it to open, the strong breeze blasted my hair across my face in gusts.  I kept pushing it aside.  The wind would throw it back.  I noticed that the chairs were unmoved.  Even though they were light, they didn’t tip over with the wind.  The chairs were like graph paper, a grid of open squares.  I could sit on it, but the wind could not push it over.  

I wondered if I could let my sadness just go through me like that.  If, by letting it through, I might actually be stronger and not feel so devastatingly pushed over by every gust.  I felt like the image helped me.  I tried to let the emotion run through. Visualizing my sadness as a gust of wind that would end and letting myself cry without so much fear was comforting, and the episode would end.  One friend I hugged through a cry said, “I think I’m done now.”  She and I both know she isn’t done.  It will come again.  But, this “gust” was over, and she let it safely move through.  

Choose to let it move you

“What have you learned?”  I ask myself periodically, especially in hard times.  As a young college student I survived a fellow classmate who died in a car wreck.  I didn’t know her well, but I did know that she would never graduate, never get that job, never get married, never have kids. She was there one day and gone the next.  I mourned for all her “nevers.”  I concluded that the best thing I could do was appreciate my life more–graduate because I could and in all ways live well–the only thing I could do to honor her life.  

When my Dad died just before retirement age, I realized that I may never have a retirement.  I always expected to leave a legacy.  I expected to write all that I have collected and learned.  But, I didn’t make time for it.  Losing my dad reminded me that there may not be a later.  And, I realized that not only can I fit in what is the most important to me, I must.  We must.

Many people feel relief through productive or creative outlets.  This is another way to let grief move through us that is actually beneficial to yourself and others.  In many ways, participating in this blog has been how I chose to turn my pain into something I hope will benefit others.  It changes the direction of all that negative energy and focuses it into something helpful or moving for others.  To live is to love.  

You have an important place in the world. God will show it to you.

“You have a work that no other can do”  –Children’s Songbook #158

Each of us is unique.  There is literally something you can do that no other can.  That is to be you!  We can lose our skills or our abilities, but we will never cease to be unique.  In this way, every single loss is a loss for us all.  We are not replaceable. The world will never be the same.

This is our moment of potential and power.  We just don’t know how long that moment will last.  We must be our best selves now.  We must act with intention and leave a legacy now.  Impact can and does continue when we are gone.  But no one notices a potential impact that never happened.  It is an omission we can’t miss.  Perhaps that is the greatest loss of all.

“Important but not indispensable” –Tony Dungy

Tony Dungy, in his book The Mentor Leader, points out that we are all “important, but not indispensable.”  The world can and will go on without us some day.  Be he also shares a moment in his life when someone, his vice principal in middle school, saw him making a big mistake and took the time to intervene and care about him.  It changed his life, it gave him his career, and it set him on the path of making a positive difference for others.  That same vice principal that I would probably never meet, has now affected me.

You are important.

“You have a work that no other can do.”

We simply can not judge the ultimate ripple effect of our actions through time and on others.

Let’s fall through our grief together,

And make a really, really big splash!

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

May your grief be the catalyst for new and wonderful expressions of your unique self.  

Don’t hold back.  

We are waiting.    

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson

DarEll Hoskisson

DarEll S. Hoskisson loves to do hard things, but not too hard. She shares her own challenges, goals and experiences as she guides you into a realistic path of self-reflection and self-improvement. She shares tips on how to find, know and trust yourself so you can decide if other’s suggestions are right for you.

DarEll has the world a little upside down—where work is play and play is work. She actually thinks other people’s problems are fun to try to solve and lights up with a personal challenge. She loves people, harmony, and excellence. She also loves useful things like tools and ideas that make work faster, easier and more fun.

DarEll married in 1993 and graduated from BYU (1995) with a bachelor’s degree in English and Secondary Education. Since then she was adopted by 5 children and has worked with many non-profits. She is currently a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor—leading pilates and yoga at her local YMCA.

DarEll lives in Florida where she enjoys her family, nature, her work, and encouraging people to live well.

She periodically posts her poems, what she is learning, and service opportunities on her personal blogs:

https://personalabridgements.wordpress.com and https://darellhoskisson.wordpress.com

I have a friend that is a new headmaster at a private school.  Half way through the first semester he was experiencing the untimely evaluation of the teachers.  He said it felt like he was leaping over a river and someone had just caught his heel.  I loved that expression because isn’t that just how it feels sometimes?  We have to have courage to set out in new, wonderful directions and once we make that commitment, it is a lot like taking a big leap.  We don’t want to fall on our face!  Getting tripped up in the middle can be devastating because without continued faith and inertia, the needed effort to make it successful can fall off making what would have been a possible success into a certain failure or loss.  This is true for individuals and cooperative groups.  To be successful, we must be strategic about how and when we evaluate our experience.

When not to Evaluate: In Progress

I’ve never had a good performance when I started to evaluate my class or my music during showtime.  Evaluating during your execution makes you self-conscious and takes your mind off the very thing you need your full concentration on.  An essential ingredient to success is focused, goal directed activity, and it isn’t on judging yourself and others.  

Recipe for failure:  

Step 1:  Decide what you want to do

Step 2:  Decide how you want to do it

Step 3:  Wonder every moment if you are doing it right

Step 4:  Wonder if some other way would have been better

Step 5:  Wonder if someone else could have done it better

Step 6:  Wonder how your audience or customer is perceiving you

Step 7:  Worry about what you look like

Step 8:  Take everything others do or say personally, their opinion is the truth about you

Step 9:  Make a list of obstacles and excuses for your boss, take no action to fix surprise roadblocks for yourself

Step 10:  If you managed to get anything done at all with all that worrying, be sure to quit because no one can go through all that again.  

When to Evaluate:  Before

It is essential that we carefully judge our options to determine which goals and paths to pursue.  There are many ways to reach a particular goal.  Just like there are many coaches who lead many different teams to the superbowl.  There may not be a “right” way, but one thing is certain, if you can not decide and agree on a path, the team is not going to make it to the superbowl.  We do have to carefully uncover and evaluate all possible and possibly best options before starting on our quests.  Often the final decision for group actions falls to the leader.  

As a leader, I find it really helpful to listen to suggestions before deciding on a group path.  And, I realize that many other paths may be just as good!  But, unless the team can unite and stop questioning the task at hand, we aren’t going to get anywhere.  Good team members understand this.  Unity of purpose is extremely important for group success, more important perhaps than even a good plan.  A good team can make even a bad plan work, but no plan, no matter how perfect, can work with a team that is contrary, withholding effort, finding fault and constantly criticizing.  

When to Evaluate:  After

After the event or experience, I think, is the very best time to evaluate.  If I am overly emotional, I might feel super high or super low.  That moment may not be the best because I am emotionally “charged.”  But soon after, while the memory is fresh and any burst of emotion has cooled a bit, is a great time to evaluate what we did and how it turned out.  

As a group, it is great to have each person own what went well and point out the strengths of the experience.  For our girls camp fundraiser recently, we noticed that the event itself was a complete success!  The success of the event was just as much or more the result of those that came to our event as it was of those that planned and participated.  As a whole, it was very successful.  We met the financial goal in one evening.  But that doesn’t mean that everything was perfect.  There was still so much to learn from this experience.  

How to Evaluate:  Same and Different

I am sure there are more complicated ways, but one simple way I love to evaluate is just to get a blank page and write on one side, “Same” and on the other side, “Different.”  

Then alone or in the group, you can think through all the details.  What did you love about the parts that made up the whole?  What went well?  What would you like to duplicate next time or in the future?  

On the other side, I just list what I or we wish was different.  The different side can hash out all the things you hated, like cleaning smooshed cupcake out of the carpet afterwards.  These things can be adjusted or avoided next time.

Adjust:  Don’t Lose the Lesson

It is so easy to know what to do the same and different based on experience.  It is another thing entirely to do what we know.  The challenge of taking what we know and moving it into what we do is fascinating to me.  Surprisingly, just because we know better doesn’t mean we will automatically do better.  We have to outsmart our automatic selves.  I think it is essential to be very, very intentional to both remember and implement the things I’ve learned.  Just expecting it to happen isn’t going to make it happen.

It isn’t about me

My dad taught me that when speaking, if you get self-conscious, it is like looking into mirrored glass.  You can’t see the audience on the other side.  All you can see is yourself.  He said that when he focused on the people he was talking to, how he cared about them and the message he was trying to share, then his reflection faded away and the meaning got through. 

Recently I started to get self-conscious about my group fitness class because one day I had had a particularly rough beginning.  Arriving slightly later than usual, I discovered that my music player was almost out of batteries, the speakers were not in the room, and when I got it finally all set up late, the music started cutting out and was very distracting.  This confusion infected my focus, and the whole class seemed choppy and frustrating to me.  I caught myself doubting the compliments that many in the class gave me that day and the day after.  I felt like that class had been a disaster.

The next day I prayed for help for my class and had the unique experience of being able to comfort someone in their grief. This moment changed me.  It was so, so precious.  I felt so honored.  It comforted me.  And, I remembered what I know but had forgotten to do.  

My fitness classes aren’t about me.  Duh.   And it is true that someone else probably could do them better, but it isn’t someone else’s class.  Duh!  “If it is to be, it is up to me,” flies into my mind.  But, again, it isn’t about me!  Just like a good team can make a bad plan a success, a good class can find the good in a mediocre teacher or presentation.

Feed Them

Thomas Moore in his book, A Life at Work: the joy of discovering what you were born to do, says that if you can not do what you do with love, it would be better for you to sit there and not do anything.  He says this because what we need is not just a service, but someone who cares about us.  Giving service without love is only half a meal.

I was reminded that I don’t teach group fitness for a perfect execution every time.  I do it as my way of showing love and to help people live well.  People can exercise alone or with the TV or internet.  People don’t come to group fitness just for the exercise.  We need more than that.  We need each other.  

I decided that even if my “vegetables” were sometimes lacking, from now on I will not forget the main dish.  I love.  I care. You are important–to me and especially to those around you.  I can and will share that!  

May your evaluations lead you back to what really matters.  

Catch the vision–

To read all of DarEll’s articles, click on the picture.

And, really feed them.

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson

About the Author

DarEll S. Hoskisson loves to do hard things, but not too hard.  She shares her own challenges, goals and experiences as she guides you into a realistic path of self-reflection and self-improvement.  She shares tips on how to find, know and trust yourself so you can decide if other’s suggestions are right for you.

DarEll has the world a little upside down—where work is play and play is work.  She actually thinks other people’s problems are fun to try to solve and lights up with a personal challenge.  She loves people, harmony, and excellence.  She also loves useful things like tools and ideas that make work faster, easier and more fun.

DarEll married in 1993 and graduated from BYU (1995) with a bachelor’s degree in English and Secondary Education.  Since then she was adopted by 5 children and has worked with many non-profits.  She is currently a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor—leading pilates and yoga at her local YMCA.

DarEll lives in Florida where she enjoys her family, nature, her work, and encouraging people to live well.

She periodically posts her poems, what she is learning, and service opportunities on her personal blogs:

https://personalabridgements.wordpress.com  and https://darellhoskisson.wordpress.com

DarEll Hoskisson

DarEll S. Hoskisson loves to do hard things, but not too hard. She shares her own challenges, goals and experiences as she guides you into a realistic path of self-reflection and self-improvement. She shares tips on how to find, know and trust yourself so you can decide if other’s suggestions are right for you.

DarEll has the world a little upside down—where work is play and play is work. She actually thinks other people’s problems are fun to try to solve and lights up with a personal challenge. She loves people, harmony, and excellence. She also loves useful things like tools and ideas that make work faster, easier and more fun.

DarEll married in 1993 and graduated from BYU (1995) with a bachelor’s degree in English and Secondary Education. Since then she was adopted by 5 children and has worked with many non-profits. She is currently a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor—leading pilates and yoga at her local YMCA.

DarEll lives in Florida where she enjoys her family, nature, her work, and encouraging people to live well.

She periodically posts her poems, what she is learning, and service opportunities on her personal blogs:

https://personalabridgements.wordpress.com and https://darellhoskisson.wordpress.com

Don’t we all feel like that when our responsibilities require more than we can give–at risk, nearly drowning, not looking or feeling very pretty?  How could anyone feel confident in a situation like that?  It takes a fearless leader to not quit when things get tough, so tough that smooth and beautiful is no longer an option.  Survival is what it is all about.

It Isn’t Pretty

Dennis Prager, quoted in Over the Top, by Zig Ziglar points out:

“The way people cling to the belief that a fun-filled, pain-free life equals happiness actually diminishes their chances of ever attaining real happiness.  If fun and pleasure equated with happiness, then pain must be equated with unhappiness, but in fact the opposite is true.  More times than not, things that lead to happiness involve some pain.”  

Zig Ziglar says that “happiness is not pleasure.  It is victory.  And victory almost always involves at least temporary pain of some kind.”  

If I am the leader and things go wrong, which they always do at times, it isn’t going to be pretty.  But, it is also an opportunity for victory!  

A bad job is better than no job

When our ability falls below our own standards, it can be ridiculously hard to not quit trying.  It can be downright embarrassing to claim the role that is ours.  We know what appropriate standards should be.  The clash between reasonable standards and reality would distress anyone.  No one likes to fail.

But poorly struggling along is not necessarily failure.  It feels like drowning, but it isn’t.  Like someone who is in the hospital that is unconscious is not the same as dead, when there is breath and a heartbeat, there is hope.  

If you are functioning in a role that you can not manage, but there is no one else better to manage it, you sticking to your efforts, no matter how substandard, may be enough to keep the entire company or family afloat.  

I’m not suggesting that we should not get help or solve problems.  But, there are times of real crisis when a warm body is so much better than nobody.  It could be crucial that you don’t quit.

Irreplaceable

A healthy company has some redundancy so that if one person gets sick, leaves on a vacation, or dies, the whole company is not so overly dependent on that one person that the whole company goes under.  Healthy families are the same way with two parents and extended family that can help protect children.  

But in real life, there are many companies and many families that are not so safely structured.  A small company doesn’t have enough coverage if two or three players get simultaneously affected.  A family with many or young children can not function without one or both parents indefinitely without someone stepping in.  In any case, the work to be done can overwhelm those who can do it no matter how many people are involved.  

The fact is, you may be irreplaceable.  I’m not talking about your role.  I am an adoptive mom.  I have the role responsibility that another mother was unable to carry.  Your role is re-fillable, but it may not be in time to save the family or the company. 

In our families, each person is unique and not replaceable.  No one else can be you for them.  No one.

Enough

There is no reason to beat yourself up with comparisons to excellence when you are just keeping your nose out of the water.  There will be other times to swim, look beautiful and enjoy relaxing on the beach.  Now just may not be that season. Your team is depending on you.  Your best has to be good enough.  

Inspired by a friend who has many young children, a baby who nearly died in childbirth, and is struggling to recover herself from complications, I remembered that time in my life when the goal was simply to keep us all alive for another day.  I wrote a poem for her and to all people who courageously carry on when the ongoing responsibilities are, really, too much:

“I Want My Mommy”

“Momma, Momma!”

I look down and see

Trusting, beautiful eyes

Looking right into me.

“Momma, Momma!”

I look down and feel

A chorus of expectant mouths

Waiting to be filled.

“Momma, Momma!”

I look down and know

They need so much more

Than I, so

“Momma, Momma!”

They bang on my door

While I cry, too

And fall to the floor.

“I want my Mommy!”

I say through my tears

The fears all compounding

Will this really last for years?

“I’m empty.” I tell Him.

“They need so much more.”

“You’re enough.” He assures,

Scrapes me up off the floor.

“But I can’t do it.  I mean it!

I feel so alone.

The house is a disaster

All the help has gone home.

It isn’t good enough.

I know it.  I’m sure.

I haven’t the courage.

I can’t possibly endure.”

“You’re enough.” He assures me

As I start to beg

For a break or a trip

To the funny farm instead.

“You’re enough.” He still comforts

As I start to calm down

I put my chin up

And fight back my frown.

“I’m it!” I announce

As I throw open the door

And they all rush in

Like the tide on the seashore.

“Momma, Momma,” they call

Like an eternal, pulsing wave.

Thank the Lord

He made mothers

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

So exceedingly brave.

–DSH

May you have the courage of a mother and never quit trying.  

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson

DarEll Hoskisson

DarEll S. Hoskisson loves to do hard things, but not too hard. She shares her own challenges, goals and experiences as she guides you into a realistic path of self-reflection and self-improvement. She shares tips on how to find, know and trust yourself so you can decide if other’s suggestions are right for you.

DarEll has the world a little upside down—where work is play and play is work. She actually thinks other people’s problems are fun to try to solve and lights up with a personal challenge. She loves people, harmony, and excellence. She also loves useful things like tools and ideas that make work faster, easier and more fun.

DarEll married in 1993 and graduated from BYU (1995) with a bachelor’s degree in English and Secondary Education. Since then she was adopted by 5 children and has worked with many non-profits. She is currently a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor—leading pilates and yoga at her local YMCA.

DarEll lives in Florida where she enjoys her family, nature, her work, and encouraging people to live well.

She periodically posts her poems, what she is learning, and service opportunities on her personal blogs:

https://personalabridgements.wordpress.com and https://darellhoskisson.wordpress.com

Most of the literature on success and even common sense seems to indicate that to get “good” at something, you have to focus on it.  In order to focus, you have to decide.  Decision making and keeping your commitments to that decision, seeing it through, are prerequisites to success.  

I couldn’t help but be discouraged.  Am I locked in a race after a carrot I can never catch?  I love variety, challenge, and change.  I am great at projects and love working with people, but I just can’t choose one career, one love.  I absolutely need to branch out, like water must press outward to its outermost limit.  I love to be spread thin.  

Hope for the non-deciders

There is incredible risk to not deciding.  We could spend our whole lives popping from one thing to another and never become “good at anything.”  We might not reach our potential in any area.  It is easy to feel like a failure.  Am I just too picky?  Am I immature or spoiled?

In all the books on success, I found two that offer hope.  Refuse to Choose! By Barbara Sher is the most validating and helpful book I’ve ever found on this subject.  She calls people interested in many things, “scanners.”  She itemizes the strengths and advantages to not deciding.

Are there advantages to not deciding?

I know that for me personally, it was right to not decide too soon.  Over time, following as many dreams at once as I can, I have avoided a narrowing focus that would have limited my future options.  Barbara Sher says it is okay to do everything you love.  I just laugh to myself because, to be true to myself, that is what I am doing, must do, and have always been doing.

I can’t live my life one handed when I have two.  I just can’t do it.  So, why do I think I have to choose?  I’m caught in my own circle of trying to choose (for success) and being consumed by the impossible choice (which distracts from success), a classic “character paradox.”  I was denying my own success by the dogged pursuit of success just like a dog chasing his tail. 

There is a huge advantage to not deciding if you can’t decide.  That advantage is you can move on.  There is a way to skip the dream choosing first and once and for all.  And, thank heavens for that.  My life is multi-faceted, and I intend to keep it that way.  

It isn’t rocket science.

Lindsey Stirling

It is amazing to me how something can be obvious and hidden in plain sight.  Just like we have different roles, of course, we can pursue different interests and even careers.  Lindsey Stirling inspires me because she took her two loves, playing an instrument and dance, and managed to do them together!  That is so not choosing, and coming out on top.

I just need more time.  Most success books say take your goals and get them down to bite size pieces so you can do something on them every day.  This just doesn’t work for me.  First of all, I thrive on big bursts of focus and energy.  It takes time for me to focus and get productive.  If I’m always switching, I am never fully engaged.  

If I had to fit everything I love into every day, that would be incredibly limiting and predictable.  I don’t like either.  It feels so artificial to me.  I have more than one day in the week.  Every day is not the same.  Why should each day have a bite of each food group, when I love to feast on each one in turn?  

Jack of all trades?

What if instead of fearing becoming a “Jack of all trades,” we embraced it as the goal instead?  People with many skills are very valuable on any team.  Why are we afraid of being multi-functional?  

Thomas Moore points out in his book A Life at Work that “it is possible for the boy of dreams to land his balloon and enjoy life on earth… he has to come down to earth, fit in somewhat, and direct his creative urges toward productivity, community and service, and then he will give you an identity and a life work.”  

Maybe that is what we are missing–that part of identity that is unifying, simple, and complete.  I cried when I read that passage.  I know it is time for me to “come down.”  Maybe I can now because I see that I don’t have to force myself into a cage.  In fact, I haven’t necessarily been on the wrong path at all.  

It isn’t just identity, it is community.  

Thomas Moore says that community is an outlook on life, defining yourself in relationship to the world around you.  If you were to focus just on yourself, what you are good at and love, that is not the perspective that focuses on the whole.  What does the whole need?

If you are like me and concerned about community, you might find it almost, if not impossible, to pursue a course of action purely for personal delight or because you might be good at it.

I have a community outlook.  I have to find the crossroads, the intersection of my loves and what my community, the world around me needs.  That is the win/win spot I’m looking for.  Where would my skills be most useful and enjoyable?  

Success to me is not aiming to be the best.  It is becoming successful at living my definition of an amazing, contributing life.  That dream can not be found overnight or in isolation.

For the foreseeable future…

I know that everything could be different next week or even tomorrow.  There are so many things we can’t control that do affect us.  But “for now” is a powerful timeframe.  I can’t choose one dream.  But for now, I plan to work at being the best wife, mom, writer, fitness instructor and youth director I can.  I am going to start writing my first book and save up to get my masters in public administration.  

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

I don’t know if I will be successful at it all.  But, I know I won’t be happy unless I try.  It might take me longer than people who can focus on one or two things, but for me, it is the only way to fly.

It is okay that we don’t know everything.  

What do you know?

Where are you headed, for now?

Our world, your community needs you.

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson

DarEll Hoskisson

DarEll S. Hoskisson loves to do hard things, but not too hard. She shares her own challenges, goals and experiences as she guides you into a realistic path of self-reflection and self-improvement. She shares tips on how to find, know and trust yourself so you can decide if other’s suggestions are right for you.

DarEll has the world a little upside down—where work is play and play is work. She actually thinks other people’s problems are fun to try to solve and lights up with a personal challenge. She loves people, harmony, and excellence. She also loves useful things like tools and ideas that make work faster, easier and more fun.

DarEll married in 1993 and graduated from BYU (1995) with a bachelor’s degree in English and Secondary Education. Since then she was adopted by 5 children and has worked with many non-profits. She is currently a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor—leading pilates and yoga at her local YMCA.

DarEll lives in Florida where she enjoys her family, nature, her work, and encouraging people to live well.

She periodically posts her poems, what she is learning, and service opportunities on her personal blogs:

https://personalabridgements.wordpress.com and https://darellhoskisson.wordpress.com

Our childhood playfulness has an amazingly critical place in our adult world.  A child hopes for things that may not be possible.  A child believes in things he does not see or understand.  A child imagines invisible worlds.  These skills of generating hope, suspending disbelief, and using imagination become the tools for building the foundation of success.

Step One:  “Select a Dream”

So how do I bring my dream into reality?  The first step to success is to “Select a Dream.” (According to Roger E. and Stephen D. Allen in their book, Winnie-the-Pooh on Success: In which You, Pooh, and friends learn about the Most Important Subject of All.)

Last weekend I went to the beach with my family and my husband’s cousin.  I built the first sand pyramid of my life.  It was so beautiful, so fun, that I told Chantel, “we have the wrong profession.  We should have been pyramid builders.”  

To build the pyramid, we had to start at the bottom.  We drew a square in the sand, and built upward from there. Without the original square drawn into the sand, we could not judge the height or angles of the side walls of the pyramid.  That little square line in the sand, as well as both of us being able to imagine the shape of a pyramid, were essential to its creation.

Step Two:  “A foundation is forever”  

The second step to success, is having a good foundation.  “A foundation is forever,” Max Alexander explains in his article with the same name for This Old House Magazine.  A foundation on a home is so important that This Old House general contractor Tom Silva says “Without a good one, you’re sunk.”   

Dreams that are built on a solid foundation last.  Like the Declaration of Independence, “selected” dreams can endure beyond a lifetime, affecting future generations.  But just like a home, without a strong foundation, our individual lives and livelihood may be “sunk.”

Foundations provide integrity and stability to the whole structure.  When we change our minds or lose sight of the dream, it shifts things all the way down to the bedrock.  Our personal lives or businesses may do well for a while without a firm foundation, but future success is inherently in jeopardy–it’s only a matter of time before the cracks become visible.

Step Three:  “The wise man built his house upon the rock” (Children’s Songbook pg 281, Matthew 7)

Step three has to do with how your foundation is created.  I think that developing your dream is the process of at least half a lifetime.  Max Alexander lists several reasons why foundations fail.  I think two of them apply to deciding on a dream. “Rushing the Cure” means allowing the foundation to dry too quickly. Concrete can only be its strongest when it is dried slowly.  I think that deciding on a dream too young, before you are sure of what you want in the end, could be just as hazardous as “rushing the cure” with cement.  It takes time and patience to know ourselves and what our dream should be. Martin Luther King, Jr. was not born with his dream.  Most important things take time.

Another foundation problem is caused by “interrupting the pour.”  A foundation is strongest when done all in one batch.  If not the line where the two concrete pours meet loses integrity and later splits along that line.  In much the same way, I think we have the responsibility to own or fully claim our foundation.  Our dream has to be fully ours so that we don’t have two separate dreams conflicting for our attention and direction.  Like Chantel and I had to agree on, and visualize our pyramid, our dream must be compatible with those people that we plan to create and realize our dream with.

Step Four:  Be Patient

We dug a tunnel under our beautiful pyramid.  It went in one side, made a right turn, and came out the front toward the ocean.  We watched the waves come in the side and out the front.  It was fun.  But it didn’t last.  Before long the entire pyramid was cracked irreparably right up the center.  It had collapsed from the inside out.

Chasing a dream, so critical to success, can also be discouraging.  Dreams can be so long-term that we don’t immediately see results.  It can be difficult to see if anything we are doing is making a difference at all.  To be successful, we can’t afford to be impatient and not allow the foundation to fully develop, opting instead for short-term fun.  To avoid your foundation collapsing, like our pyramid did, we have to stay on our own team and stay the course over time.

Step Five:  How do I find my dream?

So how do you find that dream?  There is no one right answer of course.  Like each builder of a foundation has to consider the exact location and soil conditions; your dream has to be yours.  But I can share some questions to ask yourself that might help you recognize part of the dream you already have.  Ask yourself:

1. What do I want more than anything?  
2. Will it stand the test of time?
3. What could I not live without, really?
4. What am I here for?
5. When have you felt in your heart, “I was born for this?”
6. What would I pay to help create, do in my free time, or feel like I died and went to heaven if I could be allowed to be a part of this?

Dreams Move You

Dreams are powerful because they make a hopeful gap between reality and future possibility.  Like a beautiful mountain in the distance, its attractiveness gives us power to move out of the comfortable and familiar toward something better.  Well developed dreams inspire.  Let your dreams pull you forward and show you the next step.

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

With your dream in mind, what can you do in the next 3 months to a year that will bring you closer?  It is a step out of the imaginary and into reality–we call it a goal.

Each completed goal

Will make your dream

Come true.

Who says adults can not also be magicians?  

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson  

DarEll Hoskisson

DarEll S. Hoskisson loves to do hard things, but not too hard. She shares her own challenges, goals and experiences as she guides you into a realistic path of self-reflection and self-improvement. She shares tips on how to find, know and trust yourself so you can decide if other’s suggestions are right for you.

DarEll has the world a little upside down—where work is play and play is work. She actually thinks other people’s problems are fun to try to solve and lights up with a personal challenge. She loves people, harmony, and excellence. She also loves useful things like tools and ideas that make work faster, easier and more fun.

DarEll married in 1993 and graduated from BYU (1995) with a bachelor’s degree in English and Secondary Education. Since then she was adopted by 5 children and has worked with many non-profits. She is currently a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor—leading pilates and yoga at her local YMCA.

DarEll lives in Florida where she enjoys her family, nature, her work, and encouraging people to live well.

She periodically posts her poems, what she is learning, and service opportunities on her personal blogs:

https://personalabridgements.wordpress.com and https://darellhoskisson.wordpress.com

“How can I stop complaining about complaining?” I wrote in my notebook.  It was a terrible cycle in our home.  I can’t stand listening to whining and complaining.  So, guess what I would do about it?  Whine or complain about all the complaining, of course!  That really fixed it.  It got better and better.  Not!

But I’m a Positive Person

I think of myself as a positive, very happy person.  I recently found out that almost all people view themselves as positive and not too whiney to be around.  This year I discovered how much of a complainer I really have been.

As a youth leader in my church, called Young Women’s President, I was working on my Personal Progress.  Personal Progress is a booklet of optional, personal challenges for girls ages 12-18, their mothers and their leaders.  It gives exercises in several different “values” or areas of character to better understand and develop.  Along with challenges like reading scripture verses, developing a relationship with God through prayer, and writing in a personal journal, I found a challenge to not criticize or complain for two weeks.  How hard could it be?  

I started on this challenge back in September of 2015.  By March of 2016, I could see I was in a doomed situation.  I was hoping to get my entire Personal Progress finished by the summer of 2016, but at this rate, I didn’t have a chance.  I hadn’t made it past one day.  So, I did what I often do when I hit a plateau, I went to the library!

“A Complaint Free World”  (by Will Bowen)

I found an entire book on “how to stop complaining and start enjoying the life you always wanted” called A Complaint Free World: take the 21-day challenge by Will Bowen.  He was right.  I have always wanted to actually be as positive as I am in my heart.  I can imagine that life where I’m proud of what comes out of my mouth.  This minister from Missouri became my ally in my fight against the crabs inside of me.  But, how do you fight a fight?

I thought “venting” was healthy

I’ve heard that it is better to share your emotional baggage than let it fester inside of you and burn holes in your stomach.  If that were your only two options, to let it out or keep the poison in, then I guess it would be reasonable advice.  

Also, there really are times when we need to complain.  We need problems and injustices to be noticed and addressed. Surely everything can not be solved by a “Polyanna” attitude of gratitude.

I’ve tried “venting.”  I think I may have even been quite talented at it.  I poured out the challenges of my day on my husband as soon as he walked through the door.  I called my mom or my friend whenever things were too tough, and I just needed someone to listen.  It was nice to not feel so alone, but I never felt good about constantly showering my closest support group with negativity.

The problem isn’t with expressing what we need and want differently.  The problem is with how we are expressing it and who we are expressing it to.  Am I talking to the person who can make this happen?  Am I asking for what I need from others in a respectful, positive way?  Am I being patient?  We can even share our negative feelings in a patient, non-attacking way.  For example, I felt surprised, frustrated and sad that I complain so often.  And, I was embarrassed that it was taking me so long to reach my two week goal.  

What do I hope to gain?

Years ago I noticed this strange dumping on my husband routine and asked myself, “What is it I wish would happen?”  In my dreams, I imagined that he would hear of my heroic, difficult battles of motherliness and would be so proud, so pleased, and so appreciative!!  When I saw that dream for what it was, I laughed.  That was never going to happen.  How could he possibly be proud, pleased and appreciate having a super crabby, complaining wife?  I wasn’t even pleased with myself.

Change the game

Not complaining is not just stuffing all that negativity.  It also is not shoving your head in the sand every time something difficult or inappropriate is happening as if to say, “I’m not looking, therefore it is not happening.”  But, not complaining does start with shutting off the release valve and finding something truly appropriate to do with that energy.  

Silence

Many people who are serious about this find that being quiet is the first, temporary solution.  I agree.  There were so many times that I would catch myself starting to whine and quickly shut my mouth.  I didn’t want to start over.  I noticed that without my contribution, the situations that normally would drive me crazy seemed to resolve themselves more quickly. Does it really take two to complain?

Unexpected Pay Offs

Most of my family didn’t “play the new game” with me.  But, my youngest son did.  He also really appreciates kind words.  It was fun to observe with him what was happening to us.

1–I literally felt happier.  Stopping the negative left more room for my thoughts to go elsewhere…up.  He seemed much happier, too.

2–I was more responsible.  Instead of explaining or complaining when I didn’t get something done or bothered someone, I just apologized and offered to fix it.  I noticed my son doing this as well.  He talked back less and just said sorry more.  This was beautiful.  If a complaint is serious and needs to be addressed, I first decide who to take it to and get it handled in a more matter of fact, professional way.

3–We feel emotionally safe.  My relationship with my son has grown much closer.  I can see his ease knowing that I will not blame him or complain about him to him or his Dad.  I am happier that he is trying to not fight with me.  

4–I’m more patient.  When whining and complaining is not an option, it leaves fewer choices.  Can I fix it?  If not, I just have to make the situation more bearable.  I can change the direction of my thinking or improve my location or environment.  No one likes terrible traffic or waiting in line.  Instead of whining together, how can I make it better?

It is possible

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

When I started, I had bouts of complaining every hour or so.  Now I have made it two whole days without complaining, whining, criticizing or gossiping.  I’m on my way, and I can smell the victory in my future.  I am so glad I have persisted in this challenge.  I will never regret it.  

If you are serious about dropping complaining from your tone of voice and even your thoughts, I highly recommend looking up Will Bowen’s work.  You can also find support at AComplaintFreeWorld.org.  

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson

DarEll Hoskisson

DarEll S. Hoskisson loves to do hard things, but not too hard. She shares her own challenges, goals and experiences as she guides you into a realistic path of self-reflection and self-improvement. She shares tips on how to find, know and trust yourself so you can decide if other’s suggestions are right for you.

DarEll has the world a little upside down—where work is play and play is work. She actually thinks other people’s problems are fun to try to solve and lights up with a personal challenge. She loves people, harmony, and excellence. She also loves useful things like tools and ideas that make work faster, easier and more fun.

DarEll married in 1993 and graduated from BYU (1995) with a bachelor’s degree in English and Secondary Education. Since then she was adopted by 5 children and has worked with many non-profits. She is currently a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor—leading pilates and yoga at her local YMCA.

DarEll lives in Florida where she enjoys her family, nature, her work, and encouraging people to live well.

She periodically posts her poems, what she is learning, and service opportunities on her personal blogs:

https://personalabridgements.wordpress.com and https://darellhoskisson.wordpress.com

I woke up this morning excited.  I had so many good ideas!  All morning I made lists and talked to people.  By mid-day, I had nothing much to show for my whole morning.  Ever feel like you are just “spinning your wheels” and not making much progress?  Strategies to cope won’t necessarily prevent that feeling, but here are some ideas that might help you get some traction:

Cause:  Indecision or lack of planning

I’m most prone to “spinning” on days when I didn’t decide early enough on goal(s) for the day.  When there is too much going on, too many options, or too much unstructured time, we might get less done right when the need or opportunity is greatest.

Solution:  Pause and Prioritize  I read that one hour of planning can save eight hours of work.  I don’t know if that is true, but I do know that to short cut indecision, pausing for a moment to breathe and prioritize, even if I’m rushed, usually saves time in the long run. Taking a moment to decide and plan can prevent leaving things behind, multiple trips, or spending time on unimportant things.

Solution: Stop Planning  Sometimes I spend hours planning because that is way more enjoyable than the task at hand, or because I can’t decide which is most important.  If that is the case, pick something that needs to be done–anything–and do the next step.  Then, do the next.  If there is no right answer, then, there may not be a wrong one…..unless it is delaying and doing none of the above.  Just start taking action.  Next moves often reveal themselves part way down the road.   

Cause:  Too Excited or Nervous

I watched a very curious thing in a daycare center while I was observing my soon to be adopted son.  Right after lunch the children, as if on cue, started running around and acting hyper and wild.  I had never seen this phenomenon before.  I wondered about it.  Why were these kids suddenly so crazy?

Solution:  They needed a nap.  We may or may not need a nap.  Today, that was the solution to my overly excited self.  I realized that I had picked up my son at work from 12-1 am and gotten up early this morning.  I could see that I was hyper and not functioning.  I was way overstimulated and tired.  I took a power nap, and while I crashed, my mind reset.  I am functional once again.  Yeah!  

Solution:  Chunk it down to smaller bites and lower the risk.  Sometimes we think it all has to be done today or that the only way forward is grandiose and difficult.  This week I decided to take a temp job.  It isn’t forwarding my “career,” but it will get the job done.  Sometimes “good enough” really is “good enough,” with far less risk and commitment.  Help yourself feel safe.

Solution:  Lower the stimulation.  Similar to “take a nap,” take a look at your environment.  It could be that you need more quiet, some relaxing music, or even a snack.  When a baby cries, we instinctively deduce what the child might need. Sometimes we have to consider our physical needs as well.  Am I too hot or too cold?  It might just take a moment to put on a sweater or turn up the A/C.  

Cause:  Under stimulated, lonely, tired, or just not able to think well.  

When I feel lethargic, I just want to crawl back into bed.  The best solutions I have found are all counter-intuitive.

Solution:  Get moving. Even if we are busy, there are many things we can do on the move.  We can make calls.  I like to walk and plan.  I notice that thinking while moving is a great way to wake up the brain.   Plus, exercise can lower stress.  So, if stressing out is impeding your progress, exercise might be just your solution.

Solution: Pump up the volume.  I love to play music that moves me.  If exercise is not an option, we can still choose something that jazzes us up inside and gets us going.  I like to clean to “the Cars.”  If you need to think, you might be surprised that total silence is too relaxing for you or too annoying.  You can try some white noise like turning on a fan (so you can’t
hear the clock ticking, etc.) or gentle background music that will ease the quiet tension without distracting your attention.

Solution:  Get social.  We are social animals, even if we are introverted or busy.  I love the library and the YMCA because in either place my thoughts are generally not interrupted by others, and I am not alone.  Maybe being in company with others just wakes me up.  Maybe because I have to tune out all the background noise, it helps me focus.  Maybe it is just more stimulating, and that is what I need.  For whatever reason, this is a solution that works for me.   

Cause: Inner resistance, procrastination.

I can’t function well if I’m trying to do something that is not important to me or if I am worried about someone I care about deeply.  I need my actions to match my priorities and values.  Sometimes this literally isn’t possible.  Sometimes I’m mad because I don’t like my choices or don’t like what I have to do.  

Solution:  Face it.  If I take a moment to imagine what I wish, then I can usually decide if it is a reasonable desire or if I am just sad I can’t have my way.  We all have things to do we wish we didn’t.  Can you delegate it?  Can you skip it?  If not, maybe you can find a way to make it more fun or reward yourself when it is over.  I hate car repairs.  Sometimes I take myself out to lunch just to survive car repairs (plus it is more fun than waiting in a grease shop).  

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

Solution: Do a U turn.  “Make a U turn” the GPS announces every time we miss an exit.  Sometimes I have to thank my mind and body for not cooperating with my intentions because it is essentially saying the same thing.  If I’m doing what is truly important to me, even if it might disappoint people, I won’t regret the hassle or consequences later.

For traction, take effective action.

Only you will know best the keys to your progress.  

Listen to what you need, experiment a bit, and take action.

When you do, you’ll be out of the mud hole and back on the highway.

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson

DarEll Hoskisson

DarEll S. Hoskisson loves to do hard things, but not too hard. She shares her own challenges, goals and experiences as she guides you into a realistic path of self-reflection and self-improvement. She shares tips on how to find, know and trust yourself so you can decide if other’s suggestions are right for you.

DarEll has the world a little upside down—where work is play and play is work. She actually thinks other people’s problems are fun to try to solve and lights up with a personal challenge. She loves people, harmony, and excellence. She also loves useful things like tools and ideas that make work faster, easier and more fun.

DarEll married in 1993 and graduated from BYU (1995) with a bachelor’s degree in English and Secondary Education. Since then she was adopted by 5 children and has worked with many non-profits. She is currently a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor—leading pilates and yoga at her local YMCA.

DarEll lives in Florida where she enjoys her family, nature, her work, and encouraging people to live well.

She periodically posts her poems, what she is learning, and service opportunities on her personal blogs:

https://personalabridgements.wordpress.com and https://darellhoskisson.wordpress.com