I am going to do what is best on behalf of my children, even if it is unpopular, abnormal, and my children hate me for it.  It would be a disservice to my children to do otherwise.  When my children and I stand before the Judgement Seat, I honestly want to say “I tried everything I could” and “They made it back in spite of my personal flaws”.

Heartbreaking Choices

Due to my own health concerns, and some added short term stress at home and work, we made the difficult call to have one of my children live with my parents for a short time.  Not only did they enroll my child in the local school, but when COVID-19 quarantines started my parents ended up homeschooling my child.

They are amazing. I am so grateful for their support. There is nothing easy about teaching this child, and I will leave it at that.  Utterly exhausting.

I don’t quit or admit failure very often.  Thankfully, I don’t often fail.  But having to, in a way say, “Um, help please.  It might be my parenting.  I might be failing here.”  Knowing all the things my siblings could be saying about the situation.  Knowing I probably look crazy to outsiders, who don’t live with this child day in and day out.  All of it ran through my head.  

And yet my love runs so deeply for my baby, that it didn’t matter.  I would do absolutely anything to get through to either of my kids.  We didn’t know if it would work or if it would backfire terribly, but it was worth taking a chance.  Again, “win at all costs, take no prisoners”, including my pride or my heartache from being separated.

Long Road

I worked hard to get to be a mother. With one of my children, it took 2 years to be approved/found worthy to adopt. Then we waited one year to get the call “there’s a baby boy born this weekend, do you want him?”, and 7 months to finalize his adoption and have him sealed to us “for time and all of eternity”.  

With my daughter, it was 2 years for approval, 1.5 years to get the phone call “there was a baby girl born this weekend …”, and 2 years to finalize and have her sealed to us.  I can only guess the numbers of years these plans have been in motion on God’s project table.  

What I learned through those years of waiting and years of infertility treatments, is that my first job was to fight for my kids.  Fight to bring them to earth, fight for their health, fight for them to be raised in a Gospel centered home with two loving parents.  Fight to keep my marriage and sanity intact through all those trials, for their sake.  A real mom fights for the best interest of her children .. whatever home that may lead them, to.

Keep Fighting

I realized early on that I would need to keep fighting.  Sometimes this meant fighting with my husband as we tried to get on the same page about discipline and other issues.  Sometimes this meant fighting with teachers and doctors to get heard, and get our concerns addressed.  

Knowing that they had broad experience over a wider sample size of children, but that I had in-depth experimental evidence as I had watched every breath, word, twitch, and gesture my child made since the day they were placed in my arms.  And most of all, following my “mom gut” until I was satisfied with answers.

Which Fighting?

Often fighting for my children means fighting with my children.  Fighting so that they understand the importance of and the right way to do chores, why our home shouldn’t be a pig sty to invite rodents or flies, and why they shouldn’t cut corners on their schoolwork.  Fighting with them and this crazy world we live in to preserve sanity, respect, work ethic, honesty, and kindness in our home.  And fighting to show them that lying isn’t normal, and burping in each other’s faces isn’t respectful or kind.  

I don’t care if the assignment is only 2 points, we do all of our assignments and we don’t just skim chapter books for Language Arts.  And “if you don’t manage yourself, I will step in and manage your life and you won’t like it”.  It is a non-stop, daily battle fighting for the eternal being inside that very temporal, fallible body.  It is the ongoing prayer of my heart, that my children will someday “get it” … even if they still criticize my delivery methods.

To read more of Molly’s articles, click here.

Gratitude

I am grateful to have parents who sacrificed for me, and have sacrificed for my children — even when my parents are supposed to be retired.  And I am grateful to know what that looks like.  I am grateful to my friends who let me vent in person and on social media for a few minutes, knowing that my love for my children still runs deep.

Happy Mother’s Day/Month, may you see some unexpected maturity in your children, and have to fight for your children a little less.

Molly A. Kerr

Molly is on a life long quest to figure herself out. Born to be and educated as an aerospace engineer she is also blessed to be a wife and a mom of two in the present, previously served as a full-time missionary, is consistently called to teach the youth in her ward, is eagerly though slowly doing home improvement as money and time allow, all while gradually learning how to be herself and find peace and balance somewhere in between.

Despite her attempts to make “the right” decisions in her life, she has learned to deal with some unexpected challenges over the last two decades. Total tornadoes, really. What she has discovered is that her career has taught her a lot about the Gospel and being a better mother, and the Gospel, when applied to challenges at the office, has made her a better professional. She has also learned that it is okay to be herself, and God still loves (and forgives) her for it.

In my travels this week, I recalled the last fundraiser. I was again impressed how so many of the members provided something that only they could uniquely provide. One mom works for a snack company, and they donated a large basket of goodies. One friend made a whole series of handmade walking sticks, and another made uniquely carved beautiful wood pens and whistles. Our family provided some useful items from a warehouse store and did our job to drive up the bids and cause excitement during the auction. We had a blast.

My little family was forced to face some challenges this week. Some latent issues had finally hit their breaking point. As the calls, texts, voicemails, instant messages, and social media posts rolled in with well wishes, offers of help, and many prayers, I was again reminded of the unique skills and talents each of these beloved people possess. It again hit me that each person had some unique skill or benefit they could provide. Often these are “side skills” that have nothing to do with their education or employment or financial situation. They all offered us something of themselves.

Our challenges this week also reiterated a thought I’ve had for awhile. The Lord asks that we give him all our time, talents, and means to the building up of the kingdom of God. He asks us to lose our lives fulfilling His mission, and in doing so, we will find our lives again. Well, part of our time, talents, and means takes very little effort to develop, but significant effort to maintain – our bodies.

As an engineer, I appreciate the miraculous machine that is the human body. The incredible abuse it takes with very little appropriate maintenance! The incredible search engine in the human eye and the flexibility and resilience of human skin never cease to amaze me. The human body is a great blending of computer & electrical programming, materials science, structural engineering, with a design keenly aware of future maintenance needs.

We often refer to it as “My Body.” Well, it’s not. Your body is a gift. Your life has a plan. God gave us bodies to enable us to do good, to serve others, to learn to become more like Him.

When you abuse or neglect this gift, you hinder your ability to serve others. You hinder your ability to be there when your friends and loved ones need you the most. You literally thwart God’s purposes when you have physically abused yourself, this miraculous gift of a human body from our Heavenly Father.

As a mother (whether your children are biological or adopted), you sacrifice your body daily for the benefit of your children. You sleep less than you should, you eat faster and less healthy than you should (or forget to eat entirely), and your little bits of exercise are driven by the chaos or schedule of your family. So I often feel, “Well, I am sacrificing my body for them.”

To read more of Molly’s articles, click here.

But everything must be done in wisdom and in order. We must pace ourselves — for this is a marathon, not a sprint. When your children are 40 years old, your counsel from your living, healthy brain may be more impactful than anything done for your 12-year-old during your lack of sleep.

So, continue to say, “I love you.” Continue the goodbye and goodnight kisses. But SHOW your love by walking around the block or the soccer field during practice. SHOW your love by not stopping at the drive-thru on the way home. SHOW your love and your desire to serve more, and “be there” more by making healthy changes to win the marathon and forget the sprint. I am sure there are unique things you bring that are needed by people today, but those wonderful gifts will also be needed 10, 20, and 30 years from today.

Molly A. Kerr

Molly is on a life long quest to figure herself out. Born to be and educated as an aerospace engineer she is also blessed to be a wife and a mom of two in the present, previously served as a full-time missionary, is consistently called to teach the youth in her ward, is eagerly though slowly doing home improvement as money and time allow, all while gradually learning how to be herself and find peace and balance somewhere in between.

Despite her attempts to make “the right” decisions in her life, she has learned to deal with some unexpected challenges over the last two decades. Total tornadoes, really. What she has discovered is that her career has taught her a lot about the Gospel and being a better mother, and the Gospel, when applied to challenges at the office, has made her a better professional. She has also learned that it is okay to be herself, and God still loves (and forgives) her for it.

“The cone of shame” via Disney’s “Up“

To make matters worse, he continues to chew on it. This has resulted in an upset stomach, so on top of everything else, he isn’t eating much. He had to be taken to the vet for fluids and we’ve put an Elizabethan collar, or E-collar, on him so he stops chewing on his injury.

However, regardless of what the manufacturer advertises, the collar still makes it difficult for him to drink water from his bowl. And I have tried a couple of bowl/stand configurations to make it easier for him.

President Monson told a wonderful story one General Conference about lighting a field on fire near a campground. He described how he and his young friends quickly saw their well-intentioned fire circle grow to a fully sized brush fire headed toward some local homes. He described how his friend continued to attack the fire while he ran for help. Adults ran and worked together to put out the brush fire.

What do these stories have in common? Don’t turn one mistake into two mistakes. We all mess up. We all sin or forget something or sometimes react without thinking. We have all been triggered by panic or anger or stupidity. We’ve all been there. However, don’t make it worse by chewing on your wound. Don’t make it worse by being so stubborn that you don’t ask for help.

If you don’t ask for help to remedy your mistake, the brush fire grows, burns down homes, hurts people, and you end up in jail.

If you continue to chew on your wound, it continues to bleed, it upsets your stomach, you can’t eat or drink, then your Mom puts a collar of shame around your neck, and you have no idea what you did to deserve all this. You look pitiful.

To read more of Molly’s articles, click here.

Remind you of anyone? Just look in the mirror. You are better than a dog or a pre-teen boy with matches, aren’t you?

I think the old adage, “Work smarter, not harder” has an additional meaning beyond using tools appropriately: be smart and get the help you need, when you need it. Forgiveness and repentance and humility are great ways to get that help.

*The feature illustration for this article is from the children’s book “One Little Match” detailing Thomas S. Monson’s brush fire story. This book can be found on Deseret Book’s website.

Molly A. Kerr

Molly is on a life long quest to figure herself out. Born to be and educated as an aerospace engineer she is also blessed to be a wife and a mom of two in the present, previously served as a full-time missionary, is consistently called to teach the youth in her ward, is eagerly though slowly doing home improvement as money and time allow, all while gradually learning how to be herself and find peace and balance somewhere in between.

Despite her attempts to make “the right” decisions in her life, she has learned to deal with some unexpected challenges over the last two decades. Total tornadoes, really. What she has discovered is that her career has taught her a lot about the Gospel and being a better mother, and the Gospel, when applied to challenges at the office, has made her a better professional. She has also learned that it is okay to be herself, and God still loves (and forgives) her for it.

When I was a junior engineer, I walked into the midpoint of the program. I supported a senior engineer plan and prepare for on-orbit testing, trained the incoming contractor support, and earned my stripes working different shifts during on-orbit testing and analysis. Later, I led the charge to optimize the test program and was commended by the customer when the units were certified for use by the end user. I was there when we kicked off the sustainment phase on some units as we prepared for on-orbit testing on new units.

Then I moved forward in the program. I started working on selling off the units to the customer after we tested them on Earth, before they were launched.

After awhile, I moved forward again. This time, starting near the beginning, just after a contract is awarded, planning out the schedule and deliverables, preparing the changes and reports for the initial Critical Design Review. Then, we were reviewing and delivering the reports on the components and subsystems, and planning for ground testing.

Through all of it, I could see how our choices, decisions, and creative solutions today could make on-orbit testing or user certification easier or more difficult down the road. My path has given me a contract life cycle perspective I didn’t plan on, and it has helped me drive for change and efficiency based on that experience.

My youngest child turned 8 years old this week. Mormons believe that 8 years old is the age of accountability. We encourage our children to gain a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and to be baptized because they are now responsible for their own choices. Before the age of 8, they are innocent and not accountable. There is no purgatory for little children who die, they are innocent and “get a free pass” to Heaven [my words].

We also believe that families can be joined together for time and throughout all of eternity; that there doesn’t have to be an “until death do you part.” We call this ordinance a sealing.

Since the day my husband and I have been sealed together as a married couple in the temple, our kids have been sealed to us to make us an eternal family, our oldest child has been baptized, and our youngest wants to and will be baptized. My husband looked at me this week, and said jokingly, “Well, our job is done.” I laughed, knowing I had been thinking the same thing: that we’ve met the minimum requirement.

It’s a fun, overwhelming moment to congratulate ourselves on all the challenges we’ve overcome, and to still acknowledge the vast cavern of challenges and decisions from here to eternity. We know we aren’t done. After a decade and a half of marriage, we’ve only satisfied the MINIMUM requirement on this program, and it was HARD.

It isn’t easy to act like an eternal family some days – most days. Being an eternal family means to treat each other with patience and care; to continue to work on our relationships like they might actually matter. It means knowing the end from the beginning, knowing what the goal is and remembering it when you are tired, frustrated, and exhausted. It means pushing for change in your family because you are the end-user who gets stuck with the final product.

To read more of Molly’s articles, click here.

When I’m on my lunch break from whatever angelic assignment I get in Heaven, I want to open up the video feed to my great-great-great grandchildren on Earth and see something I’m proud of. As I watch the decisions they make, I want to shout out in happiness so loudly that other angels turn and stare.

I want to keep working for more than the “Minimum Requirement,” even if it takes an eternity.

Molly A. Kerr

Molly is on a life long quest to figure herself out. Born to be and educated as an aerospace engineer she is also blessed to be a wife and a mom of two in the present, previously served as a full-time missionary, is consistently called to teach the youth in her ward, is eagerly though slowly doing home improvement as money and time allow, all while gradually learning how to be herself and find peace and balance somewhere in between.

Despite her attempts to make “the right” decisions in her life, she has learned to deal with some unexpected challenges over the last two decades. Total tornadoes, really. What she has discovered is that her career has taught her a lot about the Gospel and being a better mother, and the Gospel, when applied to challenges at the office, has made her a better professional. She has also learned that it is okay to be herself, and God still loves (and forgives) her for it.

Courage is usually shown when an individual is subjected to things out of their control, is walking into the unknown, and/or feels compelled to take action against an opposing force.

A friend of mine from college recently left her job to start her own consulting firm, and I have multiple retired friends starting their own businesses. Did you know the over 50 age group has a higher rate of entrepreneurship than the under 34 age group, and has since the mid-1990s? It takes courage to walk into the unknown, to put yourself out there in a new way. It also takes courage to be the spouse supporting a fledgling entrepreneur.

Likewise, it takes courage to follow the Lord. As Mormons, we are an organization of volunteers. We meet together in congregations (or “wards”) based on where we live. We work our normal jobs, have normal parenting roles, and then we take on “callings” (assignments) to help out with various things at church. We believe the Lord inspires these callings. When things are working the way the Lord intended, church members with authority over an open calling pray, contemplate, and select other members for callings based on the inspiration they receive. When asked to fulfill these assignments, each of us is encouraged to think and pray about the commitment involved, and decide whether or not to accept.

But here’s what happens … we’re human. We bring our own doubts and fears and insecurities. We bring our busy schedules and never-ending to-do lists. We walk into the Bishop’s office with our soccer and baseball schedules, our urgency to complete our taxes, and nagging feelings of everything we have to accomplish before our head hits the pillow that night … and then the Bishop or one of his two counselors (each are volunteers themselves with their own families and day jobs) ask us to take on one more thing.

And sometimes, its not just one thing, it’s a whole program with no end date. You might be asked to learn to play the piano or organ at the age of 70, and play each week for the congregation. You might be a shy person asked to teach a class of teenagers or adults or 3-year-olds each week. You might be responsible for the social activity or service project each month.

It is usually not the calling you dream of as “the perfect calling”. And there’s never an end date given. Very often, it involves something you are NOT good at or even have experience with. You are literally stepping into the unknown, trusting that this is what the Lord wants, and praying that the Bishop changes his mind – all while figuring out if you can sell your house and move to a new congregation.

To read more of Molly’s articles, click here.

Those of us in our best moments try to accept these assignments, even while we price our house on real estate websites. Many of us try hard to fulfill these assignments and “magnify” them by doing more than the minimum requested – we try to figure out the special reason WE are needed in THIS role at THIS time, and we seek to fulfill that intent.

Ultimately, we just try to stop the shaking in our boots from the day we accept the calling through the years we may serve in the calling—all until the day the Lord seeks to release us from the assignment.

That act, my friends, is also courage. And it is training us for something greater.

Molly A. Kerr

Molly is on a life long quest to figure herself out. Born to be and educated as an aerospace engineer she is also blessed to be a wife and a mom of two in the present, previously served as a full-time missionary, is consistently called to teach the youth in her ward, is eagerly though slowly doing home improvement as money and time allow, all while gradually learning how to be herself and find peace and balance somewhere in between.

Despite her attempts to make “the right” decisions in her life, she has learned to deal with some unexpected challenges over the last two decades. Total tornadoes, really. What she has discovered is that her career has taught her a lot about the Gospel and being a better mother, and the Gospel, when applied to challenges at the office, has made her a better professional. She has also learned that it is okay to be herself, and God still loves (and forgives) her for it.

My son is losing his molars. He lost two in one day this week. The Tooth Fairy visited, and found this note next to his teeth – quoted exactly, except where noted.

“Dear, toothfairy

Hi toothfairy I’m not writing to you because I’m mad or anything. It’s because I have been getting $1.00 every tooth. I think you are going cheap on me. The last teeth I gave you were big teeth I still got one dollar. All my friends at school get $5.00 and I think that’s just mean. I’m A very gaming boy and I’d like to get new things for my consoles so not to be mean back but I would really appreciate it if I could get a fair price as all the Other kids in the world. Thank you

Love,

    [my son’s name]

P.S.: tell [a friend] that he should get a a life

X________________________

Tooth fairys name”

The Tooth Fairy left $2.25 and a note, “I will get back to you. – The Tooth Fairy”

The next evening, the Tooth Fairy left the following letter.

“I appreciate your negotiation skills and your self-confidence to negotiate a higher rate for your teeth. These characteristics will serve you well in years to come, and many adults could learn something from you.

First, I need to explain something. I pay a standard rate in the United States for teeth, $1 per tooth. Some parents agree to a higher rate – but they provide the extra cash. Your parents have only allowed me to pay you and your sister the standard rate. Sometimes, I put a little extra in out of my own pocket – even though they don’t like it.

However, I thought you made some good points, and I discussed it with your parents. You know them; of course there were lots of words – let me summarize:

• They want you to work hard and earn your own money, so you can “be your own man” someday. They want you to be proud of your work and your accomplishments. They insisted that this would eventually make you happy.
• They aren’t entirely happy with how you spend your money. They said something about saving for something special, instead of burning every dollar on junk (their words, not mine).
• They mentioned a free dog from the pound that actually cost them [a lot of money] in medical bills and new equipment. Do you know that dog? Should I be worried he’ll bite me? Apparently, your parents think that dog makes you happier than any video game.
• Your parents asked you to clean your room so they could replace the window. The new window will keep your room cooler in the hot summer months, warmer in the winter months, and will cost your parents more than [a lot of money]. However, they thought this window would be good for you.

Learning from your negotiating approach, I countered your parents’ arguments. We settled on a one-time bonus for the stellar job you did cleaning your room without arguing with your parents and without anyone’s help. Your mom especially was very appreciative. She hates cleaning your room. I appreciate not risking a broken wing tripping over your stuff as I walk through your room.

[His name], I know this isn’t everything you asked for. However, I am on your side. Parents are tough sometimes, but I do believe they love you.

­­— The Tooth Fairy”

I sincerely hope that my children get everything they want out of this life. However, from an eternal perspective, I know it wouldn’t be good for them.

To read more of Molly’s articles, click here.

It occurred to me late one evening that maybe the reason that I haven’t been blessed with something I worked and prayed for, was because I would have sacrificed everything to get it. Like Sherman’s March to the Sea, I was willing to destroy or sacrifice everything in my path to achieve what I thought was a Heaven-inspired outcome. It occurred to me, that quite possibly, that wasn’t HOW God wanted me to do it. We may care about the outcomes, but God cares about the outcomes, the “how”s, and the “why”s.

So for now, this household is sticking to the standard pay rate for a tooth, and my son can work for his spending money.

Molly A. Kerr

Molly is on a life long quest to figure herself out. Born to be and educated as an aerospace engineer she is also blessed to be a wife and a mom of two in the present, previously served as a full-time missionary, is consistently called to teach the youth in her ward, is eagerly though slowly doing home improvement as money and time allow, all while gradually learning how to be herself and find peace and balance somewhere in between.

Despite her attempts to make “the right” decisions in her life, she has learned to deal with some unexpected challenges over the last two decades. Total tornadoes, really. What she has discovered is that her career has taught her a lot about the Gospel and being a better mother, and the Gospel, when applied to challenges at the office, has made her a better professional. She has also learned that it is okay to be herself, and God still loves (and forgives) her for it.

Sometimes women joke that their husband is really their “other” child. I love to laugh, and I don’t have a problem with lighthearted humor. However, I think women need to remind themselves not to believe their own tales.

We all want to feel valued, needed, and that we would be missed if we were to suddenly disappear. This, coupled with some moderate control issues, can lead a woman into a whole heap of heartache. Add to that normal “Mommy guilt” and/or “working Mommy guilt,” and quite simply, a woman is doomed to failure.

Even if you think it will take twice as long, the point is still this: the dishes got clean!

Just because you do the dishes, and you’ve spent 10 years mastering the perfect way to load the dishwasher does not mean your child – or the husband you jokingly refer to as your child – CAN’T do the dishes. Your method may be better for some reason or it may just be your acquired preference, or both. The point is to get the dishes clean. Even if an occasional dish needs to come out of the “clean” dishes and get extra soaking, the rest of the dishes were cleaned. Even if you THINK it will take twice as long, the point is still this: THE DISHES GOT CLEAN.

About once a year, my boss finds a reason to send me on travel for business. Usually, I visit our customer and smooth out a few issues. This does a couple of things:

1. It shows the boys that this working mom is willing to travel.
2. Gets me out of my comfort zone, honing my social skills.
3. Shows me, my husband, and my kids that they can survive without me and they will still have food to eat and the house won’t burn down – and I suddenly have kids running to the door to greet me, not “Mom! Why did you pick us up early from school??” [Sorry, just wanted to hang out with my kids.]

For many years, I think I tried to make up for the fact that I worked full-time. In reality I didn’t really “make-up” for anything, I just used my perceived failures as a self-flogging device. And when I worked harder until I was completely exhausted and hated life, I then blamed my husband. Because of course, “I was doing everything.” If I was failing, it was because he wasn’t an adequate “helpmate” to our forward progress as a family.

If we degrade our husbands to the role of a child, guess what also disappears? Help. Emotional support. Sanity. I had unattainable, ridiculous goals for our family — goals I didn’t really care about, but that I thought would make us all happy. When I viewed my husband as a child to take care of, he no longer stood proud and strong as the husband who could provide emotional support and keep me sane. We could no longer work together to be more effective and efficient because I had shut him out. Of course, this also meant he had to learn to not laugh at my silly meltdowns.

As our children have grown, and we’ve realized how much more there is to teach them about work and responsibility – we’ve also learned to separate our frustrations with our children from our feelings toward each other. “I get it, you are ready to scream at a kid – but take a breath, because I’m not the one you’re mad at.” “I get it, you are overwhelmed, and our kids are ungrateful – how are WE going to change that TOGETHER?”

To read more of Molly’s articles, click here.

Yet another chapter in the series – “how to avoid driving yourself crazy” … Take a breath, love your husband, see him as the man he is and the man he can become. After all, he was smart and savvy enough to snag you for a wife. And you’ve never been wrong before.

And if he reads this, Happy Anniversary to my husband! I pray this is less than the half-way point.

Molly A. Kerr

Molly is on a life long quest to figure herself out. Born to be and educated as an aerospace engineer she is also blessed to be a wife and a mom of two in the present, previously served as a full-time missionary, is consistently called to teach the youth in her ward, is eagerly though slowly doing home improvement as money and time allow, all while gradually learning how to be herself and find peace and balance somewhere in between.

Despite her attempts to make “the right” decisions in her life, she has learned to deal with some unexpected challenges over the last two decades. Total tornadoes, really. What she has discovered is that her career has taught her a lot about the Gospel and being a better mother, and the Gospel, when applied to challenges at the office, has made her a better professional. She has also learned that it is okay to be herself, and God still loves (and forgives) her for it.

In this generation, these types of behaviors are becoming less and less acceptable. Many like to think it’s because we’re “soft.” I look at as “raising the bar,” raising the standard of expectation for reasonable people to create a reasonable working environment. If your technical argument or business case is so good, you should be able to back it up with reason, logic, and actual facts. In other words, less pulpit beating and more evidence, please.

To keep it simple, when the discussion attacks the person and not the idea; when the comments become personal and dismissive of the individual; and when the room becomes uncomfortably quiet, nothing good is happening. I’ll leave it to the HR gurus for the exact legal definition, but “hostile” work environments are reportable and have legal ramifications.

When someone interrupts me, attacks me personally, and attempts to speak over me – they’re a jerk and a bully.

I don’t care if everyone is yelling as long as we’re yelling about the idea, the data, or the strategy. When someone interrupts me, attacks me personally, and attempts to speak over me – they’re a jerk and a bully.

When you use your physical stature or proximity to intimidate (think Donald Trump’s proximity to Hilary Clinton in the 2^nd Presidential debate), it is pretty obvious that you are getting desperate. I recognized it as I watched because I’ve see it happen. Regardless of who you voted for, this behavior is unacceptable anywhere.

Recently, I was out on a mommy-son date night with my preteen son. I was suddenly reminded about the many dinner discussions we had growing up where we learned about professionalism and handling issues in the workplace.

I took the opportunity to discuss an office situation with my son, similar to how my parents used to share things with us. He asked me if I was the boss or if my troublemaker was the boss. I told him we were peers. He asked who was better at their job. I made a funny face and said I was clearly better, he exclaimed with a smile, “Good!” He asked if I could get the guy fired. I explained that I’m not in charge of those decisions, and it is a lot more difficult to fire someone than he might think.

He was insistent that I should report it to HR – his words, not mine. I told him that one thing he would learn about his mother is that she likes to solve her own problems. I then suggested we brainstorm some quick and savvy comebacks I could use in the future, since my last one got to the point but wasn’t very smooth or funny. (What do you expect from a Mormon super geek?)

As we tried quips out and laughed at each other, I gave him some parameters – we can’t threaten violence, we can’t threaten to fire anyone, and we can’t swear. Any of those comments would get me in trouble with HR. I loved watching the wheels turn in his head.

Some of our favorites:

“Temper tantrums stopped being acceptable when we were three.”

“When you’re done with your temper tantrum, I’d like to discuss how we’re going to fix our issue.”

I made a few quips with references to Rumpelstiltskin stomping his feet on the floor, which he didn’t think were very good. He made references to ballistic missiles and emergency rooms, which I didn’t think were appropriate.

Now, on occasion, we can all lose our heads. Written apologies, private in-person apologies, and public ones are always acceptable. Wait until you are calm and be genuine. Say what you are genuinely sorry for. Then seek to change your behavior and identify your personal triggers to increase your chances for long-term change.

To read more of Molly’s articles, click here.

Often, if it’s a particular person, getting to know them better helps. Find excuses to drop by their work area and make time to get to know them. I know that a trigger point for many people is when you question their ethics or morals, or blame their team, so it is best to choose your words carefully (and sometimes that still doesn’t help if your opponent is ready for a fight).

Personally, I evaluate the relationship. I determine whether I value the relationship for the long term. If the relationship is important to me, I try to remind myself that I want to recover from this incident. I don’t want to go anywhere in my argument I can’t recover from. You know what I’m talking about — hitting the raw nerves we all know are there.

Unfortunately, I keep learning that one from experience.

Molly A. Kerr

Molly is on a life long quest to figure herself out. Born to be and educated as an aerospace engineer she is also blessed to be a wife and a mom of two in the present, previously served as a full-time missionary, is consistently called to teach the youth in her ward, is eagerly though slowly doing home improvement as money and time allow, all while gradually learning how to be herself and find peace and balance somewhere in between.

Despite her attempts to make “the right” decisions in her life, she has learned to deal with some unexpected challenges over the last two decades. Total tornadoes, really. What she has discovered is that her career has taught her a lot about the Gospel and being a better mother, and the Gospel, when applied to challenges at the office, has made her a better professional. She has also learned that it is okay to be herself, and God still loves (and forgives) her for it.

My friend considered her legacy as the legacy her generation left — she considered her great legacy as abortion rights. She knew I had two adoptive children. I’m not sure whether my jaw dropped physically when she told me this, but my jaw definitely hit the floor in my mind. However, I am grateful for her honesty. Honest, eloquent friends are not easy to come by.

Violence against a woman or the impending death of a pregnant woman negates any debate or judgment from me or anyone else. Those are the two categories where reasonable people can all agree that we should all stay out of – those are decisions to be made by the woman, her doctor, and, if needed, her family.

However, being an adult is about making choices and receiving the consequences. Being a woman is about sacrificing for everyone around you. Women are the heart and soul of the planet. If we can’t sacrifice for the planet’s children, no one else will.

I know that I lived with God as a female spirit before I was born into this body. I know that He knows me individually, and that I was excited to come to Earth. I fought to come to Earth. I wanted to be here. I know that because I was a sick baby who could barely breathe when I was born. I showed my family and the world just how stubborn I was; that I, against any odds, was going to live. I had and still have great things to do here.

I know the great spirits that are inside my children. I am trying to teach them all the tools they need in order for those great spirits to control and manage the temptations and desires of their physical bodies. I want their bodies to portray through their health, happiness, and glow how awesome they are on the inside.

My children have great birthmothers who have every right to be called their birthmothers. These two women made human choices, and when they discovered they were pregnant, they made better choices throughout their pregnancies. Then they loved their children enough to give them life and make sure they had a home where they would be loved and provided for. They exemplified what it means to be a mom – fighting and sacrificing for your child. They were moms before they ever looked into the faces of their children.

And there are many, many adoptive families looking for children. Adoption isn’t just something anyone can do. I had no idea how hard it would be.

There are still many spirits in Heaven waiting to come to Earth to have awesome experiences. They want to have loving forever families, with a consistent set of rules and goals and bonding. They don’t want to be bounced around between different relatives or between struggling parents and foster parents every six months. Every child wants to be someone’s priority now, while they are young, not later after their parents finally grow up.

I am not asking for laws to change — I believe very little can be fixed by a bureaucracy.  I’m asking that our hearts, as women, change. I’m asking for us to advocate privately and publicly for the “other option”; an option that enables a better life for both the birthmother AND the child.

To read more of Molly’s articles, click here.

As a birthmother or birth relative, we need to look beyond our ownership in the gene pool of that child and look at what’s best for the child. What situation gives that little one the best shot of living a full and happy life? Which family will provide the minimum set of challenges at least until the age of 6? Which situation is fair and good for the child vs. “they can get by” or “they can survive”? As best we can tell, which situation provides long-term stability?

Now that women finally have a voice and protection under the law, is it possible that this generation swings to neither extreme, and finally just does the selfless thing?

Molly A. Kerr

Molly is on a life long quest to figure herself out. Born to be and educated as an aerospace engineer she is also blessed to be a wife and a mom of two in the present, previously served as a full-time missionary, is consistently called to teach the youth in her ward, is eagerly though slowly doing home improvement as money and time allow, all while gradually learning how to be herself and find peace and balance somewhere in between.

Despite her attempts to make “the right” decisions in her life, she has learned to deal with some unexpected challenges over the last two decades. Total tornadoes, really. What she has discovered is that her career has taught her a lot about the Gospel and being a better mother, and the Gospel, when applied to challenges at the office, has made her a better professional. She has also learned that it is okay to be herself, and God still loves (and forgives) her for it.

Some may consider their legacy as simply the legacy their generation left. My friend did. She provided an answer that surprised me — I will discuss that later, in Part 2.

I was talking more about a personal legacy. I think of it sort of like the wake behind a motorboat. How did your passing-through change the water? Did you leave things better than you found them? Are you leaving people better than you found them? Were you able to fight the right fires and ride the right waves?

It’s hard to decide what your legacy should be. Should you be focused on the political issue of the era – picketing, sitting in, and marching? Should you be creating the next big charity to change the world? Maybe you should focus locally on the community within arm’s reach by sitting on city commissions and volunteering? Or perhaps you should you focus on the individuals close to you – encourage, mentor, and guide them to become their best selves?

Its not that I can’t start a great charity. I have some pretty good ideas. It’s not that I am blind to the ways my city or nation could be improved. I haven’t lost hope yet.

“What good does it do to save the world if we neglect the needs of those closest to us and those whom we love the most?” – Bonnie Oscarson, “The Needs before Us“

It’s just that every time I think of those things, I am suddenly interrupted and reminded of the three individuals whom I love the most. I am reminded of how much I hope and pray and work for them. I am reminded of the diverse class of teenagers I teach in Sunday School, some of whom I’ve known over half their lives.

Most of all, I am reminded that if the three loves of my life or those obnoxious and humorous teens were to falter or stumble or fail, I would take it personally. I would feel like I had failed; that there would be no consolation. I could build thousands of homes for the homeless, but it would not make up for the loss of one of those youth or my family at home. Basically, it reminds me to tread carefully, keep my priorities straight, and maintain balance in my life — to only do that which I can, and at a pace that I can maintain.

My husband and I served as adult leaders in the youth programs at church when we were newlyweds. We have watched those kids grow up and make key decisions in their lives. We ache for every lost testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. With every teen pregnancy, “failure to launch”, and poor choice, we wonder what more we could have done.

In some cases, the kids that had the toughest challenges made it through just fine while siblings in the same household haven’t thrived in the least. In others, everything was setup for them to succeed and they find something small, some perceived hypocrisy in their parents in order to justify turning their backs on everything they know. There’s absolutely no telling some days how each of them will turn out or whether they will come back. Scares the heck out of me when I think of my own two children.

It is admirable to leave a legacy. It is even more admirable to leave a great, expansive, numerically impressive legacy. But there are some legacies (and we can each have multiple) that should be more personal and tailored than others. Yes, people need homes, fresh water, and nutritional food. However, everyone can also benefit from a Sunday School teacher who loves them and teaches them honestly. Every husband and child benefits from a good woman who encourages her family to grow strong, wise, and faithful — and there is no way to quantify that numerically.

In the eternal words of King Benjamin,

“And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite [this woman] should run faster than [s]he has strength. And again, it is expedient that [s]he should be diligent, that thereby [s]he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order [at home, at work, at church, and abroad].” (Mosiah 4:27)

I can leave the best legacy when I remember what I value most and maintain balance in my life. When I am sacrificing for the people and the issues I love the most, I will leave the best legacy possible.

Molly A. Kerr

Molly is on a life long quest to figure herself out. Born to be and educated as an aerospace engineer she is also blessed to be a wife and a mom of two in the present, previously served as a full-time missionary, is consistently called to teach the youth in her ward, is eagerly though slowly doing home improvement as money and time allow, all while gradually learning how to be herself and find peace and balance somewhere in between.

Despite her attempts to make “the right” decisions in her life, she has learned to deal with some unexpected challenges over the last two decades. Total tornadoes, really. What she has discovered is that her career has taught her a lot about the Gospel and being a better mother, and the Gospel, when applied to challenges at the office, has made her a better professional. She has also learned that it is okay to be herself, and God still loves (and forgives) her for it.