In the recent April 2020 General Conference of the Church, the challenge of honing our skills to receive personal revelation continued with amazing emphasis. Just look at the magnitude of the quotations below!

Because of that relationship with our Heavenly Father, I believe He expects us to receive revelation from Him. … Heeding personal revelation leads to personal progression. We listen and act (Sister Joy D. Jones, “An Especially Noble Calling,” Apr. 2020 General Conference).

Along with the peaceful direction we receive from the Holy Ghost, from time to time, God powerfully and very personally assures each of us that He knows us and loves us and that He is blessing us specifically and openly. Then, in our moments of difficulty, the Savior brings these experiences back into our mind.  … God knows and loves each of us and … He eagerly desires to reveal Himself to us. These experiences may come at pivotal times in our lives or in what may at first seem as uneventful happenings, but they are always accompanied by an exceptionally strong spiritual confirmation of the love of God. … [T]he spiritually defining memories from our book of life are like luminous stones that help brighten the road ahead. … There are times when spiritual feelings go down into our heart like fire, illuminating our soul. Embrace your sacred memories. Believe them. Write them down. Share them with your family. Trust that they come to you from your Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son (Elder Neil L. Andersen, “Spiritually Defining Memories,” Apr. 2020 General Conference).

As we seek to be disciples of Jesus Christ, our efforts to hear Him need to be ever more intentional. It takes conscious and consistent effort to fill our daily lives with His words, His teachings, His truths. … I renew my plea for you to do whatever it takes to increase your spiritual capacity to receive personal revelation (President Russell M. Nelson, “Hear Him,” Apr. 2020 General Conference).

“I assure you that revelatory guidance can be received by each of us as we humbly labor in the Lord’s vineyard. Most of our guidance comes from the Holy Ghost. Sometimes and for some purposes, it comes directly from the Lord. I personally testify that this is true” (Elder Quentin L, Cook, “The Blessing of Continuing Revelation to Prophets and Personal Revelation to Guide Our Lives,” Apr. 2020 General Conference).

“The Savior Himself restored His Church to help us on the path to become more like Him. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is structured to provide opportunities to practice the fundamentals of discipleship. Through our participation in the Church, we learn to recognize and act on the promptings of the Holy Spirit” (Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Come and Belong,” Apr. 2020 General Conference).

As I said in the beginning, current circumstances in our household have given me a wonderful opportunity to practice receiving personal revelation. In February, our 13-year-old grandson came to live with us for an unspecified amount of time. It’s been a long time since we’ve had a teenager under our roof. Neither of us were sure we could handle that kind of stress anymore. We weren’t even sure we remembered how to do this. Yet, for the past two months, I have felt consistently guided by the Holy Ghost.

To read more of Tudie’s articles, click here.

I have not gotten it right all the time. As a matter of fact, I’ve gotten it wrong a lot. There have been a couple of times when the Spirit has been compelled to leave me because my temper got the best of me. The power of repentance is real. As I have humbled myself and repented, the Spirit has warmed my soul. Peace has drifted into our home like a soft spring breeze. I have received personal revelation each day to help us to guide our grandson.

I can’t close this article without noting a bonus blessing I had not anticipated. As I have practiced my skills at receiving personal revelation, my husband has been guided by the Spirit to be gentle, loving, and patient with me and with this process—even at great inconvenience to him. As he has watched me receive personal revelation, he has stepped back and let me do what I’ve been guided to do by the Spirit. It has given me a great appreciation for his willingness to be obedient, even as our whole “empty nest” style of life has been turned upside down. When we agreed to take our grandson, none of us could have anticipated being quarantined together in a pandemic, nor me homeschooling. Yet, my husband has rolled with the punches because he knows that I’m receiving personal revelation. He has a great desire to follow God’s plan, even as it is revealed to him through his wife. What a great blessing this is—not only for my grandson, but for me. I have been given another glimpse of what kind of man I married, and what celestial life might look like for us.

Practice receiving personal revelation. It just might change your life.

Tudie Rose

Tudie Rose is a mother of four and grandmother of ten in Sacramento, California. You can find her on Twitter as @TudieRose. She blogs as Tudie Rose at http://potrackrose.wordpress.com. She has written articles for Familius. You will find a Tudie Rose essay in Lessons from My Parents, Michele Robbins, Familius 2013, at http://www.familius.com/lessons-from-my-parents.

Many young people acquire a lot of debt, generally from student loans, but sometimes from credit cards, before marriage. Add an expensive wedding, a honeymoon on a cruise ship, and a baby or two in a couple of years, and it won’t be long until they are in over their heads and headed for divorce court. However, if a plan is in place from the start, a lot of the stress associated with finances can be avoided.

I’m a realist. If the money isn’t there, it simply isn’t there. Couples need to sit down and be realistic about the money coming in and going out. If student loans are in place, then maybe the Cinderella wedding can’t happen. Maybe the rings become simple bands. There are priorities involved. If you’re going to get married (and stay married), you need to be responsible adults. The wedding doesn’t make the marriage, but can very often start it down a long road of debt.

Heber J. Grant, the seventh president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said:

“If there is any one thing that will bring peace and contentment into the human heart, and into the family, it is to live within our means. And if there is any one thing that is grinding and discouraging and disheartening, it is to have debts and obligations that one cannot meet” (Heber J. Grant, Gospel Standards [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1941], p. 111).

As with everything else in a marriage, financial responsibility requires teamwork. It isn’t what “I” want and what “my spouse” wants; it’s what “we” want as a couple. You need to sit down together often, talk about goals, and decide together what you are going to work toward. If you are both working for the same goals, you won’t mind the sacrifices along the way. It is also important to keep a sense of humor. There will be days when everything in the house breaks at the same time, and it will most likely be the same day a teenager totals the car. You can scream and cry, or you can laugh and plan.

You don’t need every new toy that comes on the market. This is a huge problem with couples today. You don’t need 140 channels on the television. As a matter of fact, if you can’t afford it, you don’t need the television at all! My home did not have a dishwasher when we bought it. We did without one for many years. After my dad passed away, my mom purchased a portable dishwasher for my young family and me for Christmas. It lasted a couple of years and went to dishwasher heaven. It died the same week our television broke. We could not afford to replace both, so we had a family meeting. I told the kids they had a choice to make: (a) wash dishes and get a new TV, or (b) read more books and get a dishwasher. Obviously, they chose the television. I’m sure they all thought I would eventually cave and buy a dishwasher. We are now empty nesters and I still have not purchased a dishwasher. It just isn’t that important in the whole scheme of things.

My husband and I were married five months when we purchased our “starter home.” That was May of 1977, and we are still living in the same home. We did build an addition to the home, but we are still here. Living in this home allowed us to help children through college and serve missions. Notice I said “help.” Our kids have worked very hard to pay for their education and be independent, and I believe that’s as it should be.

Before the current economic crisis, we received a lot of peer pressure from friends (and some family) to buy a bigger, nicer home. It made no sense to us to incur that kind of debt for a home that our children would be leaving in a matter of a few years. One by one, we watched people buy homes we knew they really couldn’t afford. When the recession hit, we watched as people went upside down on their mortgages. Some (too many) lost their homes. We are still here. Even after refinancing a couple of times to help kids with schooling, our house payment is currently $545 per month, and we owe less than $30,000 on the mortgage (basically the cost of a new car). In the city where we live, you can’t rent a decent apartment without paying twice the amount of our house payment.

Prior to building the addition to our home, we had two bedrooms and one bathroom. There was a time when we had three children in one bedroom with trundle beds. At night, it was wall-to-wall beds. I took the door off the bedroom to allow space for a dresser where the door would normally swing. Yes, it was crowded, but we all survived until we could afford to expand our home. Originally, we were going to buy a larger home, but financially it made more sense to stay here and add another bedroom, bathroom, and family room.

Would I have loved a large home and an updated kitchen with a garbage disposal and dishwasher? Of course, I would have enjoyed it. Did I need it? Not at all. Things don’t make a marriage or a family. As a matter of fact, I look back on those days building extra shelves in closets and making old baby changers into toy organizers with fondness. I became a master at finding storage space. I also became adept at recycling or repurposing articles to save money. An old doll house sitting on an old bookcase became a headboard and knickknack shelves in one bedroom. Old laundry baskets were transformed into toy boxes. If there was a way to reuse something to save money and/or organize “stuff,” it was done. (Side note: It was fun! I always felt such a sense of accomplishment at finishing a project—especially since I never had the proper tools to do anything.)

My children ate beef liver and onions for years believing it was “steak.” Our catsup (ketchup, if you prefer) was diluted with a little water. Frozen concentrated orange juice was mixed with frozen concentrated lemonade to make it go further because lemonade was cheaper than orange juice. A little milk was added to scrambled eggs to make them stretch. Toothpaste tubes were not discarded until Mom had cut them open and scraped every last bit of toothpaste from the inside of the tube. The cheap store-brand equivalent to Listerine was poured over athlete’s feet (as well as over scalps with dandruff) because it worked and was cheap. A squirt of Right Guard cured the itch from mosquito bites. Mom pulled loose teeth with a pair of pliers. Toys were often “freeway finds” (including tricycles and bicycles) because Dad worked as a highway worker.

Finances do not have to defeat your marriage. Be a team. Make a plan. Be willing to sacrifice for goals. Live within your means. Keep your sense of humor. There’s an old saying which I believe originated during the Great Depression, and really needs to be passed down to the next generation: “Use it up, wear it out, make do, or do without.”

This post was originally published in April 2014. Minor changes have been made.

Tudie Rose

Tudie Rose is a mother of four and grandmother of ten in Sacramento, California. You can find her on Twitter as @TudieRose. She blogs as Tudie Rose at http://potrackrose.wordpress.com. She has written articles for Familius. You will find a Tudie Rose essay in Lessons from My Parents, Michele Robbins, Familius 2013, at http://www.familius.com/lessons-from-my-parents.

“To appreciate—to say ‘I love you’ and ‘thank you’—is not difficult. But these expressions of love and appreciation do more than acknowledge a kind thought or deed. They are signs of sweet civility. As grateful partners look for the good in each other and sincerely pay compliments to one another, wives and husbands will strive to become the persons described in those compliments” (Elder Russell M. Nelson, “Nurturing Marriage,” April 2006).

Showing appreciation seems like such an easy thing on the surface. It isn’t hard to say “Thank you” or “I love you” or “You did a wonderful job” or “That’s great.” So why don’t we say these things?

Sometimes we know someone so well that we assume they know what we are thinking—as in my husband knows I love him, so I don’t have to tell him all the time. But everyone likes to hear it! I know that my husband loves me, but after all these years of marriage, there’s nothing better than actually hearing him say it. I’m thrilled when he notices that I cleaned the house. It makes my heart warm when he compliments my cooking. I’m sure he likes to know that I appreciate him too. Knowing it and hearing it are two different things.

Life sometimes gets in the way. Busy lifestyles often push the little things aside—even important things, like thinking to say “Thanks for taking out the trash.” I truly appreciate the fact that my husband takes out the trash without being asked. I don’t wear shoes at home, and taking out the trash means putting on my shoes so that the hot cement doesn’t burn my feet in the summer and my feet don’t freeze in the winter. Yet, I rarely remember to thank him for doing it. I don’t think I need to thank him every single time, but it would be nice for him to hear it occasionally.

Another thing that gets in the way of showing appreciation to a spouse is pent up anger. If there are unresolved issues that you haven’t forgiven your spouse for, it can become quite difficult to express appreciation for anything he/she does. It is important to work out the issues, but even more important to forgive. You may not always agree, but if you want a healthy marriage, you can’t let your disagreements cloud your love and appreciation for the other many qualities your spouse possesses. For instance, if you carry a grudge for the can of soda he forgot in the freezer until it exploded when he wasn’t around to clean up the mess, it may be difficult to thank him for getting dinner on the table every night this week so you could concentrate on helping a struggling child with homework.

Please don’t make your spouse pay for a mistake for 20 or 30 years. It not only makes you seem petty and nagging, but your spouse will most likely be doing “life” for a whole lot of misdemeanors. Just as with children and dogs, the punishment needs to fit the crime. It’s difficult for your spouse to feel appreciated if she is still hearing about the fender she crumpled 15 years ago, or when she let dinner burn and set fire to the kitchen 25 years ago. Somewhere in that time frame, she’s made up 10-fold for those mistakes, so let it go! As you begin to forgive the faults of your spouse, there is room in your heart for the love and appreciation she/he deserves.

I love that then-Elder Nelson pointed out in the quote above that as we compliment our spouses, they will try harder to live up to those expressions of appreciation. Many years ago when we were first married, my husband told me how much he liked my spaghetti and my meatloaf. He raved on about how he could never get enough of the spaghetti, and that nobody makes meatloaf like I do. All these years later, I’m still taking great care to make sure that those two meals live up to his expectations. I never deviate from the recipe, never take shortcuts, and always make those meals with a lot of love. It still makes my heart go pitter-patter when he digs in and tells me how good it is.

Love is a two-way street: I feel good that he appreciates my cooking; he feels good that I still make his favorite meals with love. Marriage thrives on two-way appreciation.

This article was originally published in March 2014. Minor changes have been made.

Tudie Rose

Tudie Rose is a mother of four and grandmother of ten in Sacramento, California. You can find her on Twitter as @TudieRose. She blogs as Tudie Rose at http://potrackrose.wordpress.com. She has written articles for Familius. You will find a Tudie Rose essay in Lessons from My Parents, Michele Robbins, Familius 2013, at http://www.familius.com/lessons-from-my-parents.

• Develop Mutual Respect
• Total Loyalty & Fidelity
• Appreciation—Don’t Take Your Marriage for Granted
• Be Best Friends
• Communicate Effectively, Fight Fair, and Resolve Differences
• Keep Perspective in All Trials
• Remember the Power of Touch
• Keep Sweetness in Marriage
• Remember to Laugh and Have Fun
• Be Each Other’s Therapist
• Be Financially Responsible
• Prepare for the Unexpected in the Future
  

  You can’t always prepare for the unexpected, but you can pull together and tackle it- together

• Balance Work and Family
• Pray, Contemplate, and Work Together
• Be Kind
• Date Frequently & Enjoy Wilderness Together Occasionally
• Serve Together
• Be Patient in Intimacy
• Pull Together Through Adversity; Don’t Pull Apart
• Be Patient Through Illness and Old Age
• Build Your Partner’s Self-Esteem
• Develop Family Traditions
• Gently Guide; Don’t Push
• Generate Happiness; Don’t Just Consume It
• Be Selfless and Sacrifice
• Remember Marriage Is Hard Work
• Make Your Marriage the Safest Place on Earth
• Make Eternal Marriage and Family Top Priority

If I don’t reach out of my comfort zone I can’t grow.

As a writer, I am my own worst critic, and looking back over my marriage articles, some were better than others. I do have a favorite one—the very first one—Marriage: How Deep the Love? In spite of the fact I miscalculated how many years my husband and I had been married when I wrote it (37; not 36, sigh), I think it sums up nicely how married people should think about each other and act toward each other. (We have now been married 38 years—and I didn’t even have to think about it, so I’m making progress.)

Actually, that’s the whole point—we are all a work in progress, and there is always room for improvement. We shouldn’t be hard on ourselves if we have a bad day now and again. There are many ups and downs in marriage. The point is to stick with it and wake up each morning with new determination to get it right.

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry. — Tom Mullen

I want my marriage to blossom, and I’m sure that’s what every married couple wants from their marriage. Loving our spouse with all the inherent flaws is what it is all about, but it is never easy. It takes a lifetime of work, sweat, and tears. I think I’ve said that in at least 100 different ways this last year. It takes work.

LIttle gestures of kindness go a long way to sweetening your marriage.

As much work as marriage is, it is well worth the effort. I can’t imagine life without it. I have grown so much through the marital experience. I’ve learned that life does not revolve around me. Marriage taught me that happiness comes from serving others.

I’m 60 years old now, my husband is 72, and I’m looking forward to growing old together. There are more trees to sit under, more beaches to walk, more rose gardens to tour, and even more dishes to do together. I can’t think of anything I’d rather been doing than spending time with my best friend.

This is my last marriage article, but not my last article for LDS Blogs. I will be moving to a new topic next week. Be watching for my “Daily Dose” articles. I have always loved finding interesting quotations. I envision this project as a chance to find quotations, explore them in my mind, and then share with you what I learn from them. I’m excited about this new topic, and I hope you will stay with me as I enter this new adventure.

MarriageTo read all of Tudie Rose’s article on marriage, click the picture. 

This change for me also presents an opportunity for a writer out there. We need volunteer writers, particularly, someone who would like to write about marriage. While I may have written all I can about the subject of marriage without getting stale, everyone who has ever been married brings different experiences and different perspectives to the table.

Marriage is a large category, and there are lots of things to say about it. There are experiences to share. I’m looking forward to reading someone else’s marriage articles to see what I can learn from you.

If marriage isn’t your category, there are currently other topics available. If you think you might want to give it a whirl, check out the topics here, and then e-mail a sample post to contact@ldsblogs.com.

Tudie Rose

Tudie Rose is a mother of four and grandmother of ten in Sacramento, California. You can find her on Twitter as @TudieRose. She blogs as Tudie Rose at http://potrackrose.wordpress.com. She has written articles for Familius. You will find a Tudie Rose essay in Lessons from My Parents, Michele Robbins, Familius 2013, at http://www.familius.com/lessons-from-my-parents.

[M]arriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God . . . the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. . . . Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose. . . . The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally. . . . God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife. . . . Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. . . . Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. . . . [I]ndividuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. [T]he disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets. (The Family: A Proclamation to the World, The First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, General Relief Society Meeting, Sept. 23, 1995.)

The Proclamation came out on September 23, 1995, and is truly a prophetic document. Some of us were confused at the time about the need for such a bold historic document. Nineteen years later, we are no longer confused. Everywhere we look, we not only see the disintegration of the family unit, but those who mock the whole idea of marriage and family. Children are no longer at the top of the priority list, as marriage and family are being redefined.

There is no greater goal than to be an eternal family. What is heaven, if it is not the family unit? When you think of heaven, do you think of being there alone? I don’t. I can’t even picture it in my head.

Children need a mother and a father. It is critical to their eternal identity. Why are we not looking past our own carnal nature to assure that the needs of children come first? We insist that our own desires and passions have no consequences. We tout our freedom to choose, but we don’t make good choices. Freedom to choose is only as good as the choices we make. We may tell ourselves there are no consequences, but there most certainly are grave consequences for our actions.

Marriage and family may be redefined by the world, but at what cost? Fifty years from now, will children know the gentle touch of a mother and the guiding hand of a father? Will they even see the family unit as God created it to be? Remember from the Family Proclamation, “[T]he disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.”

My memories as a child include dancing on my father’s feet, and pasting magazine pictures in a book with flour and water paste with my mother. I remember weeding the garden alongside my dad, and my mom teaching me to make tapioca pudding and bake a cake from scratch. I remember the entire family sitting around the dinner table talking and laughing. There were long family card games at our cabin in the mountains. I remember Dad and Mom teaching us how to “take them all” playing hearts, and Dad playing “smoko” to smoke out the queen of spades. We gathered elderberries and Mom taught us how to make elderberry syrup for our pancakes and homemade vanilla ice cream. I can see myself sitting next to my Dad at his desk sticking out my tongue so he could seal envelopes as he chuckled. Mom and Dad worked together to teach us how marriage and family works. They taught us by example.

MarriageTo read all of Tudie Rose’s article on marriage, click the picture.

Is it selfish that I want my grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great grandchildren to know those feelings and make those memories? Is it unreasonable that I should want my progenitors to have eternal family units?

Since marriage is ordained of God, maybe we need to put God back into marriage. Maybe we need to remember the whole purpose of family here on earth is so we can have family in the next life. Heaven isn’t really heaven without our families.

Tudie Rose

Tudie Rose is a mother of four and grandmother of ten in Sacramento, California. You can find her on Twitter as @TudieRose. She blogs as Tudie Rose at http://potrackrose.wordpress.com. She has written articles for Familius. You will find a Tudie Rose essay in Lessons from My Parents, Michele Robbins, Familius 2013, at http://www.familius.com/lessons-from-my-parents.

I love my husband because:

• He gives service to all he meets.

• He put up with me through five pregnancies.

• He changed diapers.

• Before we bought a clothes dryer, he got up before sunrise and hung diapers on the clothesline (stepping on snails in the process) so they would be dry by the time I needed them.

• He was good at cleaning up puke after the kids (and me).

• When I had a miscarriage, even though he was devastated, he somehow managed to collect our baby from bathroom floor before taking the kids next door so he could take me to the hospital.

• He’s always made sure that we had the material things that we needed. We aren’t wealthy, but neither of us ever aspired to that. We just wanted to be able to pay our bills and be comfortable, and he has succeeded in doing that.

• He worked two (sometimes three) jobs to support us for the first 17 years so I could stay home with my children.

• He never complained when the house was dirty or the laundry overflowed the hamper.

• When I went back to work full-time, he took over a lot of household responsibilities; shopping, cooking, running errands, chauffeuring kids, etc.

• When I was in need of gall bladder surgery and the doctor wasn’t doing what he should have been doing, my usually Teddy Bear of a husband became my advocate. I don’t know exactly what he said to the doctor in the hallway, but immediately the head of the department was my very attentive physician.

• His bark is bigger than his bite (unless advocating for me with my doctors).

• He makes me laugh daily.

• For years he worked as a highway landscape worker, and he made a habit of bringing home road-find treasures for me and the kids.

• He is gentle and kind.

• He loves our children and grandchildren.

• He can’t see a baby at a ball game, the grocery store, or at church without playing peek-a-boo, or some other game to entertain.

• Life is never dull when he is around.

• He is a good listener.

• Loyalty is his specialty.

• He believed in me when seemingly nobody else did.

• He stands beside me in all things; we are a team.

• Every single morning he seems to wake up with the attitude to try harder.

• His heart is soft, and he cries while watching a good movie, or when a friend is quite ill.

• He’s always been proud of his kids—even when I could have killed them with my bare hands.

• He always made sure that each of our children had special one-on-one time with him.

• He is on a first-name basis with his florist.

MarriageTo read all of Tudie Rose’s article on marriage, click the picture. 

My husband is a very good man. I’m not an easy person to live with sometimes. I have a hot temper; although as I’ve aged, I have learned to keep it under control most of the time. He puts up with me, but he doesn’t let me walk all over him. That’s important to me. I never wanted a marshmallow for a husband.

We are getting older. He is 12 years older than me. That is probably going to present some challenges for me in the future. I’m up to the challenge. Maybe I’ll be able to finally repay him for all the kind service he has given me and our children through the years.

Reflecting on our marriage, we have had our ups and downs, as all marriages do. Not every day is a picnic. I think the best thing about our marriage is that we are committed. We know we are in this together for the long haul. There isn’t a problem that can’t be worked out if we try hard enough. We know that with God’s help, we can do anything.

I watched him today as he was sitting in his recliner checking up on the score of a baseball game on television. He looked totally content. It struck me that the look of quiet peace on his face was the same thing that I was feeling. I suppose some would call that being comfortable with each other. I’ve heard people talk about how old people don’t really love each other; they are just comfortable together. Apparently, these people have never been old and in love. Yes, we are comfortable, but it is so much more than that.

What I feel for my husband is love, respect, trust, loyalty, devotion, tenderness, affection, warmth, and fondness. These are feelings that have been developed over the last 38 years by hard work—on his part, and on mine.

We need to stop thinking of love as a mysterious power that has control over us. We need to think of love as a way to treat other people, rather than as something that happens to us; then we will begin to have power over our loving.

. . .

Real love is basically the same in all human relationships, whether between a grandfather and a grandmother, a newly married couple, or a mother and her child. It involves caring, respecting, responding, empathizing, having concern, giving, receiving, sharing, forgiving. Notice that these words we are using are verbs, and verbs denote action. Loving requires action (Ensign (March 1972), Clark Swain, “The Meaning of Love”).

Love is a verb. It is also an art that takes years of practice to perfect. I’m thankful for my husband and for our marriage. We are truly blessed.

Tudie Rose

Tudie Rose is a mother of four and grandmother of ten in Sacramento, California. You can find her on Twitter as @TudieRose. She blogs as Tudie Rose at http://potrackrose.wordpress.com. She has written articles for Familius. You will find a Tudie Rose essay in Lessons from My Parents, Michele Robbins, Familius 2013, at http://www.familius.com/lessons-from-my-parents.

At different times in my life I have filled different shoes, which gives me a pretty well-rounded perspective on the subject. I worked full-time until two weeks before the birth of my first child. I was extremely blessed to be able to stay home with my children for the next 17 years. I worked part-time a couple of nights a week in law offices through those years to help my husband provide for our family, and he worked two jobs for a number of years.

While he was working two jobs (three for a short time), our concern was that he was away from home a lot. To remedy that problem, he took the kids one or two at a time with him to help with his second job. He paid them $.50 for their help (and that’s not $.50 per hour—just $.50). His second job was to set up and take down for weddings and receptions on weekends at the small restaurant that supports our local children’s home. The kids loved going to help Dad, and it gave them precious time together. As my son began middle school, Dad’s job grew into also working security in the parking lot during the events, and that allowed for quality time for important father-son conversations.

At some point it became necessary for me to go back to work full-time. I would have loved to have stayed home another year until our youngest started kindergarten, but no matter how we tried to budget the money, it wasn’t stretching any farther. In addition, our oldest two daughters were looking towards college in a couple of years. I believe my son was about nine years old at the time. So my oldest two daughters pretty much had a stay-at-home mom, my son had some of both worlds, and my youngest daughter really had a working mom since she was only four when I went back to work.

Most of the time while I was working, I was able to coordinate the schedule for quality time with my children. There were some things that I missed. As the only legal secretary working for a sole practitioner attorney, if there was a motion for summary judgment due, or some other important deadline, I couldn’t just take off an hour or two for a school function. Thus, I missed my youngest daughter’s kindergarten graduation. A few years later, I worked for a female attorney who completely abused my personal time. She expected me to come in early (without pay), use my lunch break to chauffer her daughter, get her car washed, pick up her dry cleaning, etc., stay late (without pay), make a mail run and a Federal Express run on my way home, and use my date night with my husband to pick up office supplies. Fortunately, I only had to work there for two years—although they were the longest two years of my life. I didn’t see much of my children during that time, and I regret not quitting that job after week one. I did not strike a good balance then. I worried too much about what my resume would look like if I quit before I had at least put in two years there. It wasn’t worth it.

One thing that helped us in making these work/marriage/family balance decisions was a realistic approach to our finances. My husband and I don’t collect things or toys. It was never important to us to drive a fancy car, have a large home, or live in the perfect neighborhood. The latest technology was never on our wish list. We shared a vehicle for those 17 stay-at-home mom years. Our children wore hand-me-down and thrift store clothes, I never had a warm winter coat, and my husband used a lawn mower that blackened the sky because it burned oil. Toothpaste tubes were sliced open to get the very last drop, ketchup was diluted with water, and orange juice was diluted with lemonade. We ate liver and onions and told the kids it was steak.

MarriageTo read all of Tudie Rose’s article on marriage, click the picture.

Looking back, those very lean years were also very good years. We learned to work together for the benefit of our marriage and family. They were happy years. Our children didn’t have luxuries, but they had the necessities. More importantly, they knew they were loved.

That is the balance. You balance work and marriage by working as a team to provide the necessities of life while at the same time enjoying your family. If you don’t enjoy your spouse, and you don’t enjoy your children, then you might want to reevaluate your priorities. Are you working to provide necessities, or toys? Have you locked yourself into an abusive employer/employee corner like I did when I let my boss take advantage of me? In most cases, there is a balance that can be struck. Weigh your options as a couple, and decide the best possible balance of work for your marriage and your family.

“No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”

(Church History, President David O. McKay, Quoted from J. E. McCullough, Home: The Savior of Civilization [1924], 42; Conference Report, Apr. 1935, 116).

Tudie Rose

Tudie Rose is a mother of four and grandmother of ten in Sacramento, California. You can find her on Twitter as @TudieRose. She blogs as Tudie Rose at http://potrackrose.wordpress.com. She has written articles for Familius. You will find a Tudie Rose essay in Lessons from My Parents, Michele Robbins, Familius 2013, at http://www.familius.com/lessons-from-my-parents.

Laughing relieves tension. On those days when absolutely nothing is going according to plan, find something to laugh at—even if it is just the conglomeration of every bad thing that has transpired in the week. Laugh until you cry, if you must, but release the tension. I guarantee that when you collect yourself, you’ll feel much better.

It is important to know the rules of marriage humor. First, laugh with your partner; never at your partner. While it is okay to poke a little fun, it is never okay to make your partner feel stupid or inferior. Second, know when to stop. There is a time for laughter and a time to be serious. While you and your spouse will benefit from a good laugh daily, you must also be able to have serious conversation. It is important to be in sync with each other’s sense of humor, as well as when to be serious.

My parents were good examples to me when it came to having fun. Dad had a great sense of humor, and Mom loved to laugh along with him. Mom didn’t really audibly laugh, and Dad loved to poke fun of her about that. Her laugh was silent, but her belly bounced up and down, which in turn would make Dad laugh hysterically. He would imitate her belly movement, which made her silent laugh even harder. Looking back at the hard life that my parents led at times, I really admire the fact that they perfected the art of humor in their marriage.

 Good humor truly is medicine to the soul. Humor can ease tension, relieve uncomfortable or embarrassing situations, change attitudes, generate love and understanding, and add sparkle to life. A properly developed sense of humor is sensitive to others’ feelings and is flavored with kindness and understanding (Family Home Evening Resource Book (1997), “Sense of Humor”, p. 197.

Being sensitive to others’ feelings is indeed important. Get to know your partner’s sore spots, and then don’t go there with the humor. If it is a touchy subject, it won’t be a laughing matter. If you make a mistake and poke fun at something you didn’t know was a sore spot, be quick to apologize and know when to stop. If you torment your spouse by pushing all the wrong buttons, that defeats the purpose of humor in marriage. The whole point is to laugh, have fun, and release tension.

Sometimes life doesn’t just throw us a bad day, but hard times for an extended period. It can be a little hard to find something to laugh at. Those are the days when you go back in your memory (or your journal, if you keep one) and look for funny moments in the past to share with each other. You will find yourself laughing all over again. You can use this with other relationships besides your marriage partner

Marriage

To read all of Tudie Rose’s article on marriage, click the picture.

too. My sister and I delight in waiting until just the right moment to say to each other, “Tiny Tim got married.” We are off to uncontrollable laughter—long story that I won’t take time to explain.

Even a death in the family can be a time for humor, if done right. When I was a little girl, my grandmother passed away. The extended family all gathered at her home after the funeral to share a meal and family time. When anyone ever had a problem, they always called my grandmother for the sure cure. One of my aunts was looking for something in the kitchen and said, “Does anyone know where it is?” My uncle wasn’t thinking and said, “Call Mom and ask her.” When he realized what he had just said, he added, “But you’d better call collect.” We all had a good laugh, and things seemed just a tad better after that.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it. —Bill Cosby

Find your sense of humor, match it up with your spouse, and then add a little humor to your marriage.

Tudie Rose

Tudie Rose is a mother of four and grandmother of ten in Sacramento, California. You can find her on Twitter as @TudieRose. She blogs as Tudie Rose at http://potrackrose.wordpress.com. She has written articles for Familius. You will find a Tudie Rose essay in Lessons from My Parents, Michele Robbins, Familius 2013, at http://www.familius.com/lessons-from-my-parents.

Heavenly Father put us here with the instruction to multiply and replenish the earth. We can’t possibly understand the totality of His plan for us. We do know that we are meant to live together as families, and to love each other. The power of God is great, and it occurs to me that He could have placed us on the earth in some other way, but He chose the miracle of marriage, childbirth, and the family unit. As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon), we believe that the family unit will continue eternally through blessings received in the temple.

Why did Heavenly Father choose to give Adam a wife? Why did Eve choose to eat the forbidden fruit?

And the Gods said: Let us make an help meet for the man, for it is not good that the man should be alone, therefore we will form an help meet for him (Abraham 5:14).

And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin (2 Nephi 2:23).

It is not good to be alone. I have had some lonely moments in my past, and it was not fun. Adam and Eve were given to each other that they might have joy. Eve ate of the forbidden fruit because they had been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth, and she understood it was requisite to eat of the fruit in order to have children. Thank goodness for Eve’s comprehension of Heavenly Father’s plan! She knew that there would be sorrow and pain, but the plan was worth some misery. It has always been about marriage and family—long before Adam and Eve were ever placed in the Garden of Eden.

Having this perspective should make us all thankful. We should be thankful for God’s eternal plan, for our first parents who saw the wisdom in choosing to partake of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, for covenants to lead us back to our eternal parents, and for our spouses and children.

As we ponder these things, it is important to keep the sacred nature of the marital relationship close to our hearts. There is nothing more sacred than marriage. It was important enough that Adam and Eve had to remove themselves from spiritual bliss in the Garden of Eden and bring sorrow upon themselves. It was important enough that Heavenly Father was willing to sacrifice His son to redeem the world for our sins. It was important enough that Jesus Christ was willing to go through unspeakable pain and sorrow that we can’t even begin to imagine in order for us to have eternal life. It all revolves around the importance of the marriage covenant and eternal families. Knowing these things, how can we not be thankful?

MarriageTo read all of Tudie Rose’s article on marriage, click the picture.

We need to give thanks to our Heavenly Father. We can do that in many ways. We can pray often giving thanks. We can live our lives in such a manner as to emulate the Savior. We can be humble and teachable. We can be thankful marriage partners. We can show our eternal companions that we appreciate them, and understand their important role in the marriage covenant and God’s eternal plan.

Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to think about the eternal nature of the family—but it isn’t the only time. We should have thankful hearts 24/7/365. I don’t even want to think about how lonely it would be without my eternal companion and my family. When the time comes for us to leave this earth, I know that we will again be reunited as a complete family unit if we strive to live the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I hope that I will remember to always have a thankful heart. I pray that I will always cherish my marriage and my eternal companion. I don’t ever want to take my marriage, my companion, or my children for granted. I want to be a thankful marriage partner. How wonderful it is that Heavenly Father provided this wonderful eternal union that we simply refer to as the plan. As we carve our turkeys in a few days and remember our national heritage, I hope we will also think about marriage and family with thankful hearts.

Tudie Rose

Tudie Rose is a mother of four and grandmother of ten in Sacramento, California. You can find her on Twitter as @TudieRose. She blogs as Tudie Rose at http://potrackrose.wordpress.com. She has written articles for Familius. You will find a Tudie Rose essay in Lessons from My Parents, Michele Robbins, Familius 2013, at http://www.familius.com/lessons-from-my-parents.

 We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. (Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776.)

The meaning of the phrase pursuit of happiness has been debated for 238 years, and will continue to be debated in years to come. Happiness means a lot of things to a lot of people. It is believed that Thomas Jefferson actually took John Locke’s phrase life, liberty, and property and changed property to pursuit of happiness. All these years later, we really don’t know what was in the minds of the founding fathers as they signed that precious document. Hopefully, we do know what happiness means in our own lives. Happiness to me is marriage and family.

My pursuit of happiness is getting up every single morning with the goal of trying to make my marriage a little better than it was the day before. Does it always work? No, it doesn’t. Some days are better than others. The magic is in the trying.

I discovered long ago that a marriage is happy only if the partners are happy. As Abraham Lincoln said, “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” A positive attitude is really important in marriage. If I drag myself out of bed in the morning, grumble over my breakfast, and shout something on my way out the door about the lack of support I’m getting, it’s probably not going to be a very productive day. So let’s turn that around. If I get up with a smile, give my partner a kiss, thank him over breakfast for something he did for me—even if I have to pull something out of a hat—the day might go a whole lot better than in the first scenario. I’m happy, he’s happy, and there is peace in the home.

That doesn’t mean that we can’t at some point talk about issues that need to be resolved. On the contrary, communication is vital to a good marriage. It’s the presentation of that communication that makes the difference. Will I present it with a smile and a positive attitude, or will I complain and take on the persona of the Wicked Witch of the West?

I love Helen Keller’s attitude about happiness.

 When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. (Helen Keller.)

I once knew a couple who were struggling to keep their marriage together. They were both young and stubborn. Neither one of them had a good attitude, so they ended up getting a divorce. One of them continues through life with the same sour attitude, looking at the closed door, has been married and divorced several times, and has never found happiness. The other one learned from the experience and found the open door to happiness. I’ve thought about this couple many times over the years and the fact that attitude really determines our fate.

Along with attitude, we have to be looking for happiness in the right place. Happiness comes from within. We shouldn’t be dependent upon our spouse for our happiness. Our partner can’t make us happy; we make ourselves happy. In difficult times, we can be happy. Even at the very depths of sorrow, we can feel a ray of happiness if we are willing to reach within ourselves and pull out our faith. In those moments, if we unselfishly give of ourselves we will find joy.

The problem is that too many of us try to consume happiness rather than generate it.

. . .

 

The golden pathway to happiness is the selfless giving of love—the kind of love that has concern and interest and some measure of charity for every living soul. Love is the direct route to the happiness that would enrich and bless our lives and the lives of others (President James E. Faust, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, Ensign Oct. 2000, “Our Search for Happiness”).

Happy marriages are born in unselfish love. As we strive to serve our partner and our family, we are pursuing happiness. Setting aside our egos, foregoing the childish imaginations of our hearts, and truly serving with love is the best course on a pursuit for happiness.

Happiness does not always require success, prosperity or attainment. It is often the joy of hopeful struggle, consecration of purpose and energy to some good end. Real happiness ever has its root in unselfishness—its blossom in love of some kind (William George Jordan, The Crown of Individuality, 2d ed., New York: Fleming H. Revell Co., 1909, pp. 78–79).

I love that phrase hopeful struggle. I think we could probably describe all marriages as hopeful struggles. Notice that he says the joy of hopeful struggle. Looking back at my own marriage, there were many struggles. Though I may not have realized it at the time, I see in hindsight that there was joy in those struggles. There was joy in the task of solving our problems together. We worked as a team—even in the hard times. It was the team effort that made those struggles joyful. Love did blossom because of those struggles. Again, attitude is everything. We were hopeful in our struggles.

I challenge you to have a good attitude and be hopeful in your pursuit of happiness this week. Serve your marriage partner and your family with unselfish love. I know it will make a difference.

Tudie Rose

Tudie Rose is a mother of four and grandmother of ten in Sacramento, California. You can find her on Twitter as @TudieRose. She blogs as Tudie Rose at http://potrackrose.wordpress.com. She has written articles for Familius. You will find a Tudie Rose essay in Lessons from My Parents, Michele Robbins, Familius 2013, at http://www.familius.com/lessons-from-my-parents.