The traditional public school was just not working out.

You see, my son is very smart.  But many schools put our Autistic Spectrum kids into special ed, which assumes your child is behind.  That left my son bored and stressed out from constant sensory overload.

He was always getting sick, had constant headaches and stomach aches, and I literally had to force him out the door.  Every. Day.  The stress was more than our family could take.

He was also coming home with bruises and heartbreaking stories about being mistreated by other children at recess.   The principal had worked with us and the other students to resolve it. But it was always something new.  If his ball wasn’t being kicked over the fence, he wasn’t feeling included in group games.  Or he was getting in trouble for acting out. And we never did figure out how he was getting so bruised.

My decision to bring him home from school came after a series of events.  First I had a 504 meeting on a Wednesday, in which everything went well.  The staff and teacher said my son was right on track, doing well, and all the guidelines we had requested were being followed.  

My son is happier now.

The very next day I got a lengthy email from his teacher outlining several ongoing problems that she had never mentioned before.  She used these as her basis for a severe punishment that went directly against the 504 she had signed the day before!  Yet she failed to mention any problems in our meeting.  I removed him from school the next day.

It had become clear to me that these educators were sadly undertrained, and I didn’t have it in me to keep trying to show them the light any longer.  We had been doing this dance for 3 years and that was enough.  Every year we had a complete turnover of administration and teaching staff, and I was back at square one.  So now, with two months of school left this year, we are homeschooling!

The beautiful thing is that my son’s health has already improved.  He no longer has headaches, has only periodic stomach aches, and hasn’t been sick a day since he left traditional school.  He has also been able to stop his anxiety medication.  I haven’t fully figured out his learning style, and our homeschool has a long way to go before it’s where I want it to be.  But we are on the road, and that’s exciting to me.

To read more of Abby’s articles, click here.

Now I can tailor his education to his special interests, when possible.  It’s not even an effort to get an autistic child to follow their special interests.  He will read anything and everything about his current loves. Right now we are growing plants, among them Venus flytraps and pitcher plants.  

He gives everyone who enters the house a detailed and extensive lesson on carnivorous plants.  Last week his love was cactuses.  Sometimes it’s hard to keep up!  But it’s an adventure, and I’m feeling better about his education.

Abby Christianson

Abby is capable and caring. She is learning more about Autism and parenthood every day. Having completed training to be an RBT (Registered Behavior Technician) for ABA therapy she is beginning to understand her son. And even though she is the first to admit she makes a lot of mistakes, she is so grateful to be on this journey. She comes from a family with many autistic members. She invites us to join her, as she shares her adventures. She wishes to emphasize that Autism is a difference not a defect. If you or a family member have autism, Abby wants you to know that the challenges can be overcome, and there are blessings in autism. You or your loved one are not sick or broken. Together we will teach the world this new language.

I thought I’d share a fun things to do to memorize multiplication tables. Choose what works for you or make up something on your own.

1—Use a 100 sheet

(a piece of paper with the numbers 1 to 100 on it in boxes, with 10 on each line). Pick a colored pencil for each number 2 through 12. Have the child color a stripe on the multiples of 2, then another stripe for the multiples of 3 etc. The overlaps are interesting. The patterns are beautiful. Common factors will be clear and interesting. Which numbers are  “popular” and which are less popular may surprise you.  Primes will be visible.

2— Tell stories.

There is a company who does this called “Times tales” , and that may work for you. I think it works best when the child makes their own stories. Choose a theme—something your child is interested in. I’ll choose Star Wars as an example. Assign a character or item to each number 3-9. Some will be obvious (C3P0 as 3). Some that your child chooses may surprise you. My daughter chose the number 5 for Luke skywalker, because visually it looks like a whiny open mouth. Then make a one sentence story. Luke bought C3P0  for 15 credits. Write the numbers in pen and the sentence in pencil and draw a VERY basic picture  using the numbers as the characters.  Hopefully I explained that well enough. Making the stories can be creative and fun. Then read the stories and look at the pictures together.

3—Play games

—Get out a laundry basket and folded socks. Tape lines on the floor and write the numbers 3 through 9 on the numbers. Give the child 10 pairs of socks and see how many they make from each line and multiply it and “pay them” in money, candy or cereal. If they make 6 baskets from the 3 line, that’s 18. This is admittedly more fun with a few more children-depending on the child.

4—Dice games

—Buy the 12 sided dice. They are just fun. Roll two dice and multiply those numbers. Roll 4-6 sided dice and try to add, subtract, multiply and divide to get as close as you can to the goal number. You can keep score by recording how far away each person is.

—use 12 sided dice to play yahtzee (you get 5 rolls). The entire top section of yahtzee is multiplication.

5—Play more games

—Write the numbers 1-10 on pieces of paper. Decide on a factor. Use 3×5 cards to write products and time the child how fast they can run the products to their matching factor.

6—Point out the multiplication you notice or use on a daily basis.

Are you taking 3-12 oz water bottles to the park? 36 ounces of water. A one cup measuring cup is 8 ounces, how many ounces of water is 6 cups?  We bought 18 gallons of gas and we drove 468 miles, how many miles to the gallon did we get? Do the math of prices at the store outloud. Share what math you each did that day in your work and general “adulting”.

7- The 9’s tricks

-I grew up with one particular 9’s trick. 9 x 2=18  1 less than 2 is 1 and 1 + 8=9  . I thought Everyone knew this trick. Not too long ago I learned the finger trick. Place both hands face up in front of you. 9×3=27. Count 3 fingers over from left to right-that gives you the middle finger on the left hand and bend that towards the palm. Count the fingers on the left of the finger turned down (2), and the fingers on the right (7).

To read all of Britt Kelly’s articles, please click here.

Of course there are worksheets and timers. It’s worth doing. I hope that in addition to the worksheets, there will be games and other means to reinforce it in a fun active way. I’d love to hear what other people do to memorize the times tables.

Britt Kelly

Britt grew up in a family of six brothers and one sister and gained a bonus sister later. She camped in the High Sierras, canoed down the Colorado, and played volleyball at Brigham Young University. She then served a mission to South Africa.

With all of her time in the gym and the mountains and South Africa, she was totally prepared to become the mother of 2 sons and soon to be 9 daughters. By totally prepared she means willing to love them and muddle through everything else in a partially sleepless state. She is mostly successful at figuring out how to keep the baby clothed, or at least diapered, though her current toddler is challenging this skill.

She feels children naturally love to learn and didn’t want to disrupt childhood curiosity with worksheets and school bells. She loves to play in the dirt, read books, go on adventures, watch her children discover new things, and mentor her children. Her oldest child is currently at a community college and her oldest son is going to high school at a public school. She loves to follow her children in their unique paths and interests.

She loves to write because, unlike the laundry and the dishes, writing stays done. Whenever someone asks her how she does it all she wonders what in the world they think she’s doing.

Split your personality?

Yes.  I had to admit that this little spark of something was also me.  It helped to give this sparkling, happy, inappropriate persona a name.  I called her “Dyna.”  When I gave her some legitimacy in my life, I saw how I had starved and hurt this part of me.  I called her names.  I ignored her.  I didn’t let her out to play.  My inner child was crying.  But, she wasn’t dead and maybe she never would be. After all, she was me!

I couldn’t conquer her by pretending she wasn’t there.  I realized I could not become whole by dismissing some of my parts.  What could I do?  I set her free.  I bought “Dyna” a little dollar store toy. It was a bright red squishy pet with soft rubber spikes, big eyes, and a light up ball inside that flashed when you squeezed it.  I called this pet “Sparky.”  By letting her out, I started to see that she needed a place in my life.  What could I let her do?

Appropriate Outlets

Surprise, surprise.  By letting myself think about it, and accept this part of me, I realized that what was wrong was not what I was doing when I was clowning around.  It was where.  It is really important to me to be respectful.  I know what it is like to teach, and I want to listen to others and be listened to.  It wasn’t that being playful is wrong.  It is just like we teach our children:  It is not the behavior that is the problem, it is the location or situation.  Most things are acceptable in the right place and right time if they are not harmful to ourselves or others.  

When I changed my goal from silencing to finding appropriate outlets, I quit holding back some of my greatest strengths.  I am playful.  That playfulness is really appreciated when I work with children and even when I teach group fitness.  I let myself be silly with kids and love to entertain in a nerdy, not cool at all way.  And that is okay!

There are more?  

Carol Tuttle, an author and entrepreneur of “Dressing Your Truth”, has a personality test she presents in a fun way to help you find out what your truth is.  She points out that she has qualities that are often thought of as masculine and her husband possesses some usually referred to as feminine.  Like her, I have not appreciated this in my own life.  I am and want to be a girl, but I also am and want to be exactly who I am.  She uses the four elements (gender neutral) to help you discover which element (none of them are bad) most represents you.  If you love to take personality tests, you might want to look her up online.  

I was very surprised to find out that I identified with all four!  Are there really four of me?  Carol admits that people often have pieces of all the elements and the point is to find the one you identify with the most.  But, that is not what I got from this experience.  Instead, I got a four block framework for all of myself.  It was wonderful.  I could finally split them out and see all my internally warring factions (of myself).  Of course, each of them had to have a name, too.  I think visually and spatially, so a grid is exactly what I needed.

Meet Me, All of me:

If you see the value in self-discovery and exploration, then you might also be caught in the same trap I was:  it is a never ending, teasing chase.  It is like trying to discover the universe, always expanding in view.  I used this grid to pin it down onto one map.  

Incorporating Carol’s ideas about the elements, I made my own grid.  I made a big X from corner to corner on my notebook page.  You could do it this way or make an X and Y axis.  Either way, splitting your page into four sections.

BIG D

The top represented me at top speed, full of motion.  This part of me, I labeled, BIG D.  Big D is confident.  She takes charge.  She pushes the edge.  She is task oriented, loves finding out what is possible, besting herself, beating the clock, conquering and winning!  It is about achievement.  There is no concept of time.  Time is irrelevant (except in relation to winning).  

Her weakness:  People who aren’t helping might be completely forgotten or ignored, or worse pushed out of the way just for being in the way.  Big D has momentum and hates to have to slow down or stop.  It isn’t about you, it is full train in motion.  It can’t suddenly stop without a train wreck.  Please get out of her way, or better, get on board and help me push this puppy along!  I am a little afraid of what this girl does to my relationships I treasure so much!  

Her mottos:  Never Quit!  “Don’t let it lick you”–something my husband Brent said that she owns. “There’s always room at the top”–a quote from my Dad that she loves with all her heart.  “Challenge is opportunity!”  

Daysee

At the bottom of my energy, I am Daysee.  A motionless flower.  I love to be meditative, listening, receptive.  I like to just be.  I noticed that when I changed to writing about Daysee, I could use “I” rather than “she”.  Maybe it is because she doesn’t hurt anyone.  And, I never want to hurt anyone.  It is easier to claim this part of me.  But that is the great benefit of splitting and naming myself, at least for me.  In a cartoon kind of way, I could be strong enough to see and partly claim the parts of myself I am most ashamed of.  Being brave enough to really see, I found that my weaknesses were linked, through and through, to my greatest strengths–truly the other side of the same coin.  

Daysee is faithful, wondering, perseptive.  She is musical.  She is calm and even patient.  She would never freak out.  Her mottos are:  “Look to God and live”, and “Ask and Ye Shall Receive.”  She loves to think and read and write.  In one way she is surprisingly just like Big D.  Time has no meaning.

The Angel

From left to right, I have a continuum of responsibility.  On the left is my most responsible self.  This is the part of myself I most often think of as me, and it is in relation to others.  The Angel loves to be thankful, positive, and loving.  She loves planning, preparing for and preventing problems.  She loves to connect and work and live in harmony.  She is always trying to improve something, solve problems for the team and help us get where we want to go.  She is honest, dependable, and rock solid.  She is empathetic, responsive to needs, anticipating, aware, involved and most of all, responsible.  

The Angel is incredibly loyal.  She is mama bear that acts to protect and defend.  

Her mottos: “I am we.”  (I read a book called, There is no me without you, which has the same meaning). “You can’t make me not love you!” and “You are worth it!”  

Her weaknesses:  She doesn’t think about what she wants personally much.  She’s prone to martyrdom.  She can overwork and over commit herself to “the cause.”  She can sometimes, unintentionally undervalue herself.  She might also “but in” or “help” when it isn’t wanted or appreciated because she herself loves to prevent and solve problems.  

Dyna

On the far right is Dyna.  My totally free little friend.  She has no responsibility.  She can just play. She is happy, laughing and silly.  She’s a performer.  Teasing, flirting, dancing, singing, enjoying are all natural to her.  She is good at imagining and experimenting.  She values uniqueness and doesn’t mind not fitting in, at all.  She loves to experience it all and feel however she does.  

Problems:  She is very immature and self-centered.  She doesn’t mind a good fight or argument.  She is feisty and flighty.  Her freedom is more important than commitment.  Don’t count on her.  She likes an unrealistic amount of attention.  I had fun writing on my calculator, “Touch this and die!” —Dyna (so sick of it getting taken and lost for me! but something the rest of me would never dare say.)  

Her mottos:  “what’s a motto?  who needs a motto?”  But if I had to choose one for her it would be “Enjoy, appreciate, share” or “Live well, Laugh Often, Love Much.”  She is very loving, just in a child-like kind of way.  

Make Friends Already

Splitting my personality was important for me to figure out how to finally declare a lasting peace.  I made a commitment to myself that I would be friends with all the parts of myself.  No more calling names or internal wars.  It is clear to me just in writing this that although I still have a way to go before being entirely comfortable with all of myself, at least we are really, all friends.

To symbolize this commitment, I bought myself a charm necklace at a hospital gift shop.  I put a tiny pink girl in it for Dyna, a diamond studded D for Big D, a dove for the angel, and a clear white gem for Daysee.  My last charm was the one that tied it all together.  It is a red heart that says, “friends.”  

And, we are.  I need every part of me in a way I am unable to explain.  I am coming to value each part. And, when they come into conflict, as I know they surely will, I just split them out and decide who should be the boss in this situation.  Everybody needs a turn to be queen for the day.  

It also helped me with scheduling.  I realized that Daysee, for instance, was squished out almost to oblivion by the Angel who won’t waste time and Big D who is going for the greatest achievements. Daysee knows that sometimes just being, or writing what you learn, is an achievement.  I’m glad I’m learning to also listen to her.

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

I know that my best me is the best thing I can be.

I hope that by sharing the path I took, it will make your path in some way easier.

We are so not alone in this journey.

May you find all of yourself and make friends!

Namaste,
DarEll S. Hoskisson  

DarEll Hoskisson

DarEll S. Hoskisson loves to do hard things, but not too hard. She shares her own challenges, goals and experiences as she guides you into a realistic path of self-reflection and self-improvement. She shares tips on how to find, know and trust yourself so you can decide if other’s suggestions are right for you.

DarEll has the world a little upside down—where work is play and play is work. She actually thinks other people’s problems are fun to try to solve and lights up with a personal challenge. She loves people, harmony, and excellence. She also loves useful things like tools and ideas that make work faster, easier and more fun.

DarEll married in 1993 and graduated from BYU (1995) with a bachelor’s degree in English and Secondary Education. Since then she was adopted by 5 children and has worked with many non-profits. She is currently a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor—leading pilates and yoga at her local YMCA.

DarEll lives in Florida where she enjoys her family, nature, her work, and encouraging people to live well.

She periodically posts her poems, what she is learning, and service opportunities on her personal blogs:

https://personalabridgements.wordpress.com and https://darellhoskisson.wordpress.com

Embarassed?

My cheeks burned.  It was my first public humiliation as a parent.  I had just learned that my four year old daughter did not sit still during library story time.  The librarian’s message was clear.  I needed to fix it, or we were not welcome.  My sense of ineptitude erupted.  Not only was my perfect child a problem, but I felt entirely unable to fix it.  I felt the overwhelming injustice of being responsible for the behavior of another, something entirely outside of my control.  It didn’t seem fair.  I know how to sit still.  If they had let me in there I certainly would have made sure she sat still or have taken her out.  I felt powerless and responsible.  It was awful!

I knew I had over-reacted.  In fact, I was a little embarrassed about that, too.  But my thoughts were caught in the loop of reality.  As a parent, I was in fact responsible for something I could not directly control.  It threw me for a loop.  I wasn’t sure I was cut out for this.  I follow rules.  I know the teacher is a person and respect her.  How could I teach these values to my own children?  I didn’t know.

Needless to say, I’ve had a lot of practice since then.  That first experience now makes me laugh.  I’ve lived through much worse many times over.  I’ve been humbled and humiliated many times. In spite of all the times I’ve felt in trouble for my children’s behavior,  I would just like all teachers to know:  I appreciate you.  You are my heros.  I respect you.  Thank you for all you do for me and my children.  

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, or does it?

I am not my child.  While it is true that some tendencies and problems do tend to run in families, I had to learn this truth.

I am not my child.  Sometimes I want to yell it at the top of my voice.  Part of the time I need to hear it.  It helps me remember that my children’s achievements that make me proud are from their efforts and do not belong to me.  It also helps me remember that when they embarrass me that that is really okay.  They aren’t me, and they deserve to be themselves and learn from their mistakes without me freaking out every time and being overly concerned about our family reputation.

Other times I need teachers and other parents to hear it.  Please do not judge me so harshly.  I am not my child.  I would never intentionally teach disrespect, insubordination, rudeness or disobedience. What parent would?  I’m on your side.  I’m sad when they don’t care about their homework, ignore you or otherwise cause problems for you.  If I was there, I would likely intervene.  Believe it or not, I actually appreciate it when you don’t put up with it.  I don’t want my children to be allowed to harm you or others or to think those types of behaviors are okay.  When you take action sooner, we are all better off.

Shell-shocked

I’ve known teachers who are wonderful with children who are suddenly tongue-tied and uncomfortable around parents, I think for the same reason.  No one likes to get attacked or judged based on the behavior of others.  When my child does badly, it isn’t the teacher’s fault.  It is more likely the child doesn’t understand something, didn’t study, did the work incorrectly or badly or didn’t do the work at all.  A zero, even one, kills averages in the grade book.

“My teacher just hates me,” one of my children informed me trying to excuse a poor grade.  If it is the teacher’s fault, there is no control and no responsibility, right?  But we need to stop blaming people and stop feeling blamed.  It may not be anyone’s “fault.”  It might just be the way it is.  One time after sitting an hour around a table with a panel full of teachers all informing me of what was wrong with my child, I felt like a mother bear about to strike.  It really did seem like all the teachers were ganged up against him.  It was an entirely negative, miserable situation for all of us.

If the child, teacher, and parent all feel attacked by each other, how can we possibly work as a team to solve the problem?  

Dealing with Shame (and Pride)

Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, has studied shame and vulnerability.  She points out that none of us likes the pain that comes with shame.  It is really easy to blame others, ignore, or in other ways try to slide past or avoid confronting that pain.  She has a personal mantra that she wrote for herself that helps her to deal with shame flare ups that we all occasionally feel:

“Don’t shrink, don’t puff up–stay on your sacred ground.”  She also mentally reminds herself, “if I can choose pain now or resentment later, choose the pain.”

Her work has helped me process the times I over-react and understand that we are just all human. We are, and that’s okay.  If you think about it, it has to be.  The truth is, probably all three parties, the student, parents, and teacher could do something differently that might help.  We certainly don’t have to point fingers or keep knocking down our best allies.

“Maladaptive” vs “Adaptive” Perfectionism

In a recent article by M. Sue Bergin, perfectionism is differentiated in a way I’ve never heard of before. In her article, “The Imperfectly Happy Family,” (BYU Magazine Summer 2015) she points out that many children are extremely successful and high achieving growing up in high-achieving, high expectation families.  “For most of these high achievers, the trait [adaptive perfectionism] was positive, associated with low levels of depression and high life satisfaction.”

The problem is that for those with “maladaptive perfectionism” the children report being “anxious, depressed, and less satisfied with life.”  So it seems perfectionism in families can be either a blessing or a curse, but not really ever neutral.

Of course we want our children to be both high-achieving and happy.  What differentiates the two? Bergin explains that rigid or “maladaptive perfectionistic” family cultures may convey the message that if you don’t measure up, you don’t belong or you are worth less.  She warns, “Unless parents communicate that it’s okay to fall short of the family standard and make mistakes, they could be setting up their children for emotional and spiritual problems.”

We want our children to rise up to lofty goals and expectations, not get beaten down by them.  I hope to inspire not deflate.  None of us does our best when we feel ineffective or defective.

“You can not make me not love you.”

That is my mantra.  Sometimes I would say it in my mind over and over again when I was enduring a very long tantrum by a child much too old to be expressing himself in such a way.  Others’ inappropriate behaviors can be incredibly difficult to live with and to be responsible for.  But love and acceptance is a choice and a commitment that thankfully my kids can not control.

Here is where I have all the power.  I can’t control all my kids do or say.  I don’t like everything they do or say.  And I’m absolutely certain that my parents likely felt the very same way.  There is no perfect, dream child that is not also a fantasy.  Children are very real and very human.

Since the beginning I’ve learned many reasons I never knew about that may be the cause or reason for illogical or unreasonable behaviors.   I have a friend who was frustrated with her inconsolable crying child until she found out he had a major heart condition, an unseen cause.  My children and many who have had childhood emotional or physical trauma have subconscious or emotional causes of irrational behavior that others don’t understand.  Sometimes they don’t even understand it themselves. There are also physical causes in the brain that are only now becoming more known and understood.

We may never know why

We may never know why our children choose things we never would.  But teachers and parents please know that it may not always even be in their control.  Some causes are invisible.  In some respects, we are all doing the best we can even if we can do better.

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

There are so many things I can not control, but this I know:

I will always care.  

You see, that is my choice.

I have control over it.

Therefore,

You can not make me

not love you!

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson

DarEll Hoskisson

DarEll S. Hoskisson loves to do hard things, but not too hard. She shares her own challenges, goals and experiences as she guides you into a realistic path of self-reflection and self-improvement. She shares tips on how to find, know and trust yourself so you can decide if other’s suggestions are right for you.

DarEll has the world a little upside down—where work is play and play is work. She actually thinks other people’s problems are fun to try to solve and lights up with a personal challenge. She loves people, harmony, and excellence. She also loves useful things like tools and ideas that make work faster, easier and more fun.

DarEll married in 1993 and graduated from BYU (1995) with a bachelor’s degree in English and Secondary Education. Since then she was adopted by 5 children and has worked with many non-profits. She is currently a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor—leading pilates and yoga at her local YMCA.

DarEll lives in Florida where she enjoys her family, nature, her work, and encouraging people to live well.

She periodically posts her poems, what she is learning, and service opportunities on her personal blogs:

https://personalabridgements.wordpress.com and https://darellhoskisson.wordpress.com

Science: Pregnancy is biology. We learn how a baby is made, how a baby grows, and what happens to a woman’s body during pregnancy. There is proper nutrition to understand. There is plenty of science to learn connected to pregnancy. I am frequently reminded of the amazing things my body is doing as I go about my day.  To duplicate it would require many machines, incubators, tubes, and close observation to keep an early baby alive.  What does science tell us about what is really healthy for pregnancy and childbirth and how do they compare to common practice in our local hospital?

Child development becomes far more fascinating and real when you are feeling a baby’s hiccoughs and watching your body grow.

With my children I always answer whatever questions they ask at an age appropriate level. You never know what children will ask. Some of my favorites are “what man put that baby in your belly?” and “what happens when the baby comes out ?” That with a follow up question led to the child’s real question: “do you have to get shots when you have a baby?” And when we had twins I heard: “what do mommies with one baby do when they are nursing, with their other breast?” And there are constant questions about what the baby is like at that moment. Our most recent science question discussed how the baby is currently living in a fluid. When my daughter discovered that she could breathe that way-though not breathing water, she declared “She’s a mermaid!! Have there ever been babies that didn’t change to breathing air and stayed a mermaid?”  The curiosity of children is surprising.

History and social science: I have this amazing book from my mom from when she was pregnant. Back then they tended not to even acknowledge a pregnancy until 20 weeks, unless a “kill the rabbit test” was done.  So although a woman would know, it wasn’t really considered official until the pregnancy was half way through. History is interesting with how pregnancy and delivery were handled.  What was considered normal for rich or poor?  Who helped with delivery?  It’s fascinating. How do different cultures handle pregnancy and childbirth?

How does law affect birth? I’m currently 37 weeks, so it is now legal for me to have a home birth. If I carry this baby to 42 weeks, in most states your are greatly encouraged to be induced at the hospital. In some states, home birth is highly regulated, or not allowed at all. Insurance standards can begin to feel like law. Hospital common practices may be encouraged by law or insurance or even traditions. Discussing the difference is interesting.

English: The vocabulary involved in a pregnancy is immense. Communication under stress is a basic need of pregnancy. Record keeping is wonderful in pregnancy, not just for health reasons but to help process all of the emotions and growth during pregnancy.

Physical Education: When I’m not pregnant I prefer to exercise hard and fast. My children tend not to be involved. When I’m pregnant exercise changes completely. It’s slow and careful, it’s more casual. My children love doing yoga with me and showing off their flexibility and strength. Even just sitting still my body is doing so much.

Home economics: Independence is a powerful way to promote self esteem. Being needed is a great feeling for a child. I’m a fairly independent woman but with pregnancy I need help. There is motivation for me to teach them practical skills that will aid them their whole lives. Laundry, cooking, basic first aid, how to interact with others, and how to take care of ourselves are fabulous skills. They are more easily taught when there is a real need and pregnancy provides that need.

Math: When is the baby coming? I can answer with fractions or represent it graphically. How big is the baby? I can respond with averages of pounds or grams.  I can use fruits and vegetables to represent the size or weight of the baby. I can show pictures or other visual representations of size. My weight and belly size are measured and can be graphed. Genetics and probability are interesting subjects to consider.  In the child’s mind this comes out as “do you think we’ll have another red haired baby?” There is a basic math level needed to understand why to take which tests and how effective they really are and what they mean. Do my actual risk factors substantiate the fear a google search might encourage?

To read all of Britt Kelly’s articles, please click here.

My pregnancy hasn’t been our sole source of education, but it provides diverse learning opportunities. Whenever people ask how we cover various subjects, I wonder how to answer. Leaning in to any life situation or passion always covers every possible subject. Sharing it with our children frequently bounces from subject to subject in one simple conversation. Being willing to take time away from entertainment and lean into our lives as they are is a powerful learning and teaching tool. All it takes is effort to study and the willingness to answer questions when they are asked.

Britt Kelly

Britt grew up in a family of six brothers and one sister and gained a bonus sister later. She camped in the High Sierras, canoed down the Colorado, and played volleyball at Brigham Young University. She then served a mission to South Africa.

With all of her time in the gym and the mountains and South Africa, she was totally prepared to become the mother of 2 sons and soon to be 9 daughters. By totally prepared she means willing to love them and muddle through everything else in a partially sleepless state. She is mostly successful at figuring out how to keep the baby clothed, or at least diapered, though her current toddler is challenging this skill.

She feels children naturally love to learn and didn’t want to disrupt childhood curiosity with worksheets and school bells. She loves to play in the dirt, read books, go on adventures, watch her children discover new things, and mentor her children. Her oldest child is currently at a community college and her oldest son is going to high school at a public school. She loves to follow her children in their unique paths and interests.

She loves to write because, unlike the laundry and the dishes, writing stays done. Whenever someone asks her how she does it all she wonders what in the world they think she’s doing.

The underlying theme of all three quotes is that it is normal to educate a child independent of the family. I’m not denying it’s possible, but it is very difficult. Education is a cooperative endeavor.

If we put aside the obvious effects of home stability, nutrition, and early education, there are many ways in which we need a cooperative home and school effort.

Cooperation between a teacher and parent is essential.

Parents are the experts on their own children. They have years of unique experience with the child. They know their medical situation, their personalities, their past and environment. They see things that a teacher in a classroom could never see.

A teacher has unique training. She has a level of distance from the child that can be beneficial. They may see strengths or weaknesses that a  parent may take as normal. The teacher sees the child in a new environment that allows them a different perspective on their behavior.

Combining the efforts of a teacher and parent can strengthen the education possibilities for the child when each perspective is respected. This must not be a competitive arrangement. This is an opportunity to have more people invested in encouraging the child to learn. Communication is the key to use the strengths of the teacher and the parent to help the child. When we have to call one another to report issues, or get assistance with problem behaviors, always start with positive statements. Make sure the teacher or parent knows you see the whole person, not just the problem.  I know my children aren’t perfect, but anyone who can’t see anything good about them…I question their judgement and vision. A balanced, respectful conversation is most likely to lead to a cooperative effort between teacher and parent.

Reading, no substitute for home.

Study after study indicates that  a child with parents who read, will read. A child who is read to as a child is more likely to succeed in all of school. There can be free reading at school, but there is nothing like reading before bed, or snuggling with a book under a blanket during a thunderstorm. At home books can be just for fun. There aren’t deadlines, or book reports or analysis. A book is a way to escape, learn, and be entertained. Life long readers read for fun.

I have had some great teachers who clearly loved to read. One teacher had a wall sized mural from her favorite book. Another teacher read aloud to us and I hear still Ma from little house in her voice.  I also was disciplined for reading a book when I was done with my work. Many times.

But nothing beats coming home and seeing my mom reading. Going on vacation and having my dad put his box of Louis L’Amour books in the back of the car. They spoke about great books, recommended books to us. We children still recommend books to each other on occasion.

Homework.

I’ve said it before I’ll say it again…as long as we insist, against every study ever done, that we should have homework, we cannot pretend that home will be anything but integral for a child’s education. It can be as simple as providing a place and time to do homework. It can be as much as providing help, a tutor, and study sessions.

It can be parents who fight for their children to do less homework, or clear their schedule so the child can do the homework they want. Parents and teachers talking together can help determine what homework is actually necessary. Homework is a tough walk as a parent. Sometimes you are the motivator, the warden, the pencil sharpener, the tutor or the time to back off and let the child do what they can do.

The teacher’s responsibility is to make homework meaningful, or please…eliminate it.  This may be a child by child call.

Administration.

Administration, historically, was always the teacher and parent working things out. Doesn’t that sound ideal? The more we can keep a parent’s and teacher’s input in the administration in school issues, the better our schools will be. We must have our administration keep contact with people who actually see the students daily. Good administrators are well aware that what may sound logical in an office surrounded by adults, may not work with children…at all. A teacher or parent would know that in a heartbeat. We need to be mindful of the time of parents and teachers and allow them time to do what they do best: love and teach children. Teachers can teach better when red tape is limited and control is minimal. Parents can love better when their schedules are not overly controlled by the school, and their child is not overly stressed by the school environment.

The numbers and statistics that may make an administrator’s life easier must always be balanced with what will encourage the child’s love of learning and free the family and teacher as much as possible. Do school policies clarify the critical role of the family in education? Do school policies encourage parental involvement in the school?

What about struggling families?

Not every family has time and energy to be the educational support for their child.

We as a society must be clear on what children need. We can’t pretend education can be done independent of home. Parents will always matter.  The quotes in the opening paragraph imply that the children will be fine no matter the home environment, and we can educate them for you. Perhaps it will take creativity in our education policies, it will definitely take self control in our personal choices…but even 5 minutes a day matter.

When we dismiss the role of families in education, they are less likely to make an effort and we are less likely to support them.  This is specifically critical with struggling families.  Perhaps that means allowing for creative teaching. Perhaps that means supporting the teacher as she interacts with parents instead of requiring more from her.  When teachers respect the parent’s role, they will be more likely to recognize their own responsibility and take a step closer to living up to it.

To read all of Britt Kelly’s articles, please click here.

There is a story in the bible in which the children of Israel are fighting and they succeed as long as Moses raises his arms. The minutes his arms drop, they falter.  Joshua gets him a rock to sit on then holds his arms up. Joshua holding his own arms up doesn’t help. We as a society must recognize the paramount role of parenthood and family. We can support and strengthen the family, and we must, but we cannot replace it. A school does not replace parents. Social programs cannot replace parents. We can support them but in every aspect of a child’s life, parents matter most.

Britt Kelly

Britt grew up in a family of six brothers and one sister and gained a bonus sister later. She camped in the High Sierras, canoed down the Colorado, and played volleyball at Brigham Young University. She then served a mission to South Africa.

With all of her time in the gym and the mountains and South Africa, she was totally prepared to become the mother of 2 sons and soon to be 9 daughters. By totally prepared she means willing to love them and muddle through everything else in a partially sleepless state. She is mostly successful at figuring out how to keep the baby clothed, or at least diapered, though her current toddler is challenging this skill.

She feels children naturally love to learn and didn’t want to disrupt childhood curiosity with worksheets and school bells. She loves to play in the dirt, read books, go on adventures, watch her children discover new things, and mentor her children. Her oldest child is currently at a community college and her oldest son is going to high school at a public school. She loves to follow her children in their unique paths and interests.

She loves to write because, unlike the laundry and the dishes, writing stays done. Whenever someone asks her how she does it all she wonders what in the world they think she’s doing.

We still all want education for everyone. We want every child to learn what they can with a vast majority to be able to read, write and understand enough math, science and history to function well in society.

Our current system of education relies on two things that directly punish lower income children and families in crisis: homework and standardized testing. I’ve discussed homework before. Now, in March, it’s the perfect time to discuss standardized testing.

Standardized testing is affected by whether you sleep well and what you eat for breakfast. Who is more likely to be able to plan around their day so their child to get the sleep they need? What about the single mom who is working and late that night to get the kids from a sitter? That affects her kids’ test scores. Two working parents, or a stressed family who throws cold cereal on the table as they run out the door to get everyone where they need to be? Those children run out of energy in an hour or two, and it affects test scores. What children need before testing is whole grains, protein and fresh fruits. Who is more likely to be able to afford and manage that on any given morning?

Do you see a problem? Healthy eating gives students the energy and strength to focus all day. Our testing is affected by what we eat, which is generally affected by economics. Testing is challenging the very parties we say we want to help! We are judging the success of teachers partially based on whether their students can eat and sleep well at home.

Testing adds stress to everyone. Some schools add stress in different ways. One school attempted “incentives” giving out gift cards to children who were on time, participated in testing and performed well. One school we lived by put up a sign “good test scores are good for economics!”  Dear elementary school child…whether or not your parents can pay the mortgage rests on your test scores…no pressure!

For many of these small towns, the school district is the major employer for the town. The district earns money from the federal government based on test scores. It is literally true that in our current arrangement, how your darling 9 year old does on their tests can affect the local economy!

If your child does get stressed from testing, who is in the best situation to help? The already-stressed family? Financial difficulties are stressful.

Every family has stress. Every child deals with stress differently. A child eating perfectly, sleeping fabulously, loved and secure, might be sensitive to stress. Some parents are better than others at helping their children with stress. It helps if the parents aren’t overly stressed themselves! It helps if the parent can afford to take the day or days off, and keep their child home if necessary or give the child more support during that time. That is far different than the options of a financially struggling family. Opting out is a difficult option to take when there aren’t options for the child’s care.

Teachers can mitigate a small part of the stress. Many teachers do this beautifully!  But sometimes administration has heaped so much stress on the teacher, it’s difficult. Governor Cuomo, for example, has proposed that teacher evaluations in New York should be 50% student test scores! I’m not sure how this applies to teachers who don’t teach subjects traditionally tested on, or what they do when the test can be changed from year to year, or how it relates to community issues or life situations that may affect a student or many students performances. I’m not sure how this encourages the teacher to do anything but teach to the test.

via Daily Mail UK

Some parents are choosing to opt out of testing…when the district hasn’t figured out ways to make it mandatory while still dancing around the illegality of such requiring the testing.

Some parents have children who test well and deal with the stress well.

Some parents have children who do NOT test well and are encouraged to keep their children home sick. (really!)

Some parents end up pulling their children from school permanently due to testing stress.

Most parents can mitigate any stresses revolving around testing. Should they have to? Should parents who are struggling already have this additional stress? Should students who are struggling with major issues at home have this additional stress?

As parents we can feed our children well during test week, try to simplify our lives outside of school, and be sensitive to how our children react to stress and how they de-stress (art, exercise, time with friends, time alone, talking it out…).

We can also talk with our children about all of their best qualities that no multiple choice test will ever measure: loyalty, love, friendliness, creativity, independent thinking, problem solving, faith, helpfulness, kindness, hard work, and the many skills the many things that make them unique.

Hopefully all children get that interaction whether they are testing or not. Ideally all children could be prepared for testing.

But we all know that is an ideal and not reality. In reality, the exact group of children that public schools were created to help are the children that are most hurt and pushed behind by standardized testing.

Britt Kelly

Britt grew up in a family of six brothers and one sister and gained a bonus sister later. She camped in the High Sierras, canoed down the Colorado, and played volleyball at Brigham Young University. She then served a mission to South Africa.

With all of her time in the gym and the mountains and South Africa, she was totally prepared to become the mother of 2 sons and soon to be 9 daughters. By totally prepared she means willing to love them and muddle through everything else in a partially sleepless state. She is mostly successful at figuring out how to keep the baby clothed, or at least diapered, though her current toddler is challenging this skill.

She feels children naturally love to learn and didn’t want to disrupt childhood curiosity with worksheets and school bells. She loves to play in the dirt, read books, go on adventures, watch her children discover new things, and mentor her children. Her oldest child is currently at a community college and her oldest son is going to high school at a public school. She loves to follow her children in their unique paths and interests.

She loves to write because, unlike the laundry and the dishes, writing stays done. Whenever someone asks her how she does it all she wonders what in the world they think she’s doing.

My son is not afraid of the work of learning. He loves it. He understands that to learn Spanish there is a lot of work. It involves rote memorization, repetition and hard work. Math involves repetition and practice and hard work. It sometimes takes time to work through a problem and understand a new concept. He works through it. It takes him time. He never complains about that kind of homework. He writes essays and willingly works to edit them.

Learning involves hard work.

That’s not what he hates.

He hates packets. Worksheets to fill in blanks as he reads a text book. He already reads the text book for fun and because he wants to know. The worksheet kills it for him. It interrupts his learning and reading.

He hates the vocabulary assignments in English. As they read the book they have to look for certain words that are…mostly written in order on a list. So he has found himself rereading a 4 or 5 page section to find a work he already knows the meaning of, only to find it 10 pages later; it was just in the wrong place on the list.

He hates that theater is mostly making things up for them to do…none of it actually preparing them to try out for a school play. Their school has a magnificent theater program, but the class itself does not even try to teach the skills needed to be a part of that program. Why not practice try outs? Why not learn some dancing and singing? Why not do a small play in class to have the experience? Not a small part of a scene, but something a little bigger that would involve more complex memorization and nuance. Make it meaningful!

His biology assignment…he was given the biome Caves. He had no choice in that-which is fine; the teacher wants the biomes covered. He has to fill in certain blanks to be graded well. Caves are a very unique biome and they don’t exactly have everything in the same way other biomes do. They don’t fit the nice little boxes. But he has learned if he doesn’t fill in every blank he will be graded less. Now I know his grade can stand a point here or there when he’s doing so amazingly well on everything else, but this drives him a little crazy.

In a similar vein a friend’s young child was given a spelling pretest. She got 100%. Then everyone in the class was given the homework of writing the 17 words each 5 times. She didn’t want to do it. Now if we assume spelling lists are a good plan, writing the words you don’t know 5 times each will help you remember them. For the child who does not know the words, this is meaningful repetition. For this particular child it is meaningless.

Meaningless work kills love of learning. It breaks the student’s desire to do the real hard work that is necessary for learning and life. School becomes a series of pointless hoops to jump through.

Teachers in this scenario are put in the awkward position of figuring out what would be meaningful for whom. This challenge is compounded when grading is required and regulated. Many teachers have to have a certain number of gradable assignments. Teachers do not have an endless amount of time to make these adjustments, grade uniquely, and deal with the administration on how to work it all out. How do they meet that need for some children who may not need a particular assignment? How do they work with the variable numbers of assignments? The system as we know it isn’t made for individualization. How can an administrator insure a random child’s needs are being met?

Learning at Home
To read more of Britt’s articles, click the picture.

I know of wonderful parents and teachers who work together to limit homework, specifically in elementary school grades, to what is meaningful. In some cases a parent will request it for their child, and the teacher will understand that working together they both value the child’s education and time to play. Good parents trust a teacher to notice things they don’t, so there may be occasions when a teacher has suggestions for work that the child needs, that the parent may not understand. Good teachers understand when a parent says enough is enough. Breaking up that possible relationship is the administration. Frequently hands are tied by administration, who can be so far removed from the kitchen table where the child and mom negotiate homework again…that they just focus on numbers and majorities and whomever can persuade them they are “doing something”.

I am not sure yet what this means for my son. I am hoping his first 14 years will preserve his firmly established love of learning. Hoping. And I will be making some emails.

Britt Kelly

Britt grew up in a family of six brothers and one sister and gained a bonus sister later. She camped in the High Sierras, canoed down the Colorado, and played volleyball at Brigham Young University. She then served a mission to South Africa.

With all of her time in the gym and the mountains and South Africa, she was totally prepared to become the mother of 2 sons and soon to be 9 daughters. By totally prepared she means willing to love them and muddle through everything else in a partially sleepless state. She is mostly successful at figuring out how to keep the baby clothed, or at least diapered, though her current toddler is challenging this skill.

She feels children naturally love to learn and didn’t want to disrupt childhood curiosity with worksheets and school bells. She loves to play in the dirt, read books, go on adventures, watch her children discover new things, and mentor her children. Her oldest child is currently at a community college and her oldest son is going to high school at a public school. She loves to follow her children in their unique paths and interests.

She loves to write because, unlike the laundry and the dishes, writing stays done. Whenever someone asks her how she does it all she wonders what in the world they think she’s doing.

I am watching in my son the death of love of learning. Death by paperwork. The sheer volume of “copy and paste” worksheets (find answer in book, insert in blank space) is exhausting him.

I’ve watched him talk about remembering before a test that he needs to choose the correct answer, not the right answer-his version of explaining that he needs to answer what the teacher wants or what the book says, instead of what he really thinks is right.

I’ve watched him, exhausted, as he tries to understand what the teacher wants when they haven’t explained it well (or perhaps explained it better in another class), or it’s unnecessarily complicated. In some cases the work is not meaningful and he assumes it will be so he doesn’t understand it until he recognizes…..oh this is just stupid.

I’ve watched him attempt to cram his interest in a subject into a multiple choice test, and watch his innate love for that subject slowly die.

I’ve watched him try to do every single thing the teachers want.

I’ve watched him become exhausted because he sits all day long, passively listening as the teachers try desperately to cover everything they are supposed to cover to stay on schedule.

I didn’t start this process not liking public school. I’ve never thought it’s the best way to educate–that will always be one-on-one with great books. But I thought public school is necessary and we need a literate, educated populace. We do need that. But is this really how we get there? Is the sheer volume of busy work supposed to be a fit substitute for thinking?

In our homeschool we spend a lot of time reading great books and discussing them. Sometimes we do an activity or craft or go on a field trip related to the book. We do some math. I have found that this…is plenty! I have found that it meets the educational needs of my children. They flourish! The have time for their passions and in delving into them, their learning explodes! They are well prepared for college. They can write and read and do the math they need. They love learning and love reading. This works very well for us. This is what I have used to prepare my son for high school. Doing these basic things, he could slip seamlessly in with students who have spent hours and hours and hours and hours on homework. Why?

Over and over I have found that what we want is an engaged student. It’s an educationese buzzword. Engage all of the students in learning. Use different learning styles, try different modes…although I agree that students have different learning styles and interests, I do not think we understand what an engaged learner looks like.

I have found that the child, even the young child, running around the room, is still listening to the discussion. I have found the child making daisy chains at the edge of the group has great thoughts going on in their head related to what the “engaged” group is doing. Rarely do my children stare at me in rapt attention as I speak (which is what most educator administrators I’ve spoken with assume is engaged). Frequently they doodle, play with Legos or playdough, knit, or in other ways have busy hands. Their minds are engaged and I trust that, because I know from private conversation that even those children who never enter the discussion verbally have entered the discussion in their mind. They didn’t do a book report to prove it. They didn’t overanalyze the symbolism of the author’s every word. They are thinking about friendship, war, why people make the choices they do, how we decide to go to war, what peace really looks like, what love really looks like, what maturity is, how we can relate to people who are different than us, what leadership looks like…they have the ponder time to think those thoughts and they are encouraged by the discussion around them.

Do we really think such thoughts can be encouraged with a multiple choice test and copy and paste worksheets? When a child is having these thoughts, what does it mean when we tell them that what is really important is which of the four themes on the multiple choice test is most correct for this book? How do we teach and examine in bulk?

I know teachers want to teach children to think. I know this. I married a teacher who wants this. But how do you do that and grade them every 6 weeks? Most schools want something gradable almost every day of class. How do you allow for ponder time and provide enough homework to keep parents and administrators off your back? The pressure is real. My husband gave exceptionally minimal homework one year and the pressure from the parents and principal was intense. The children still learned. They were thinking. Most of their homework was to discuss with their parents and family some of what they were learning. They were writing. They did fabulously on the state test. It wasn’t enough. My husband lost his job.

Learning at Home
To read more of Britt’s articles, click the picture.

Now with our son: he may stay in public school. That may be what he needs for…clearly not for learning…so perhaps some other reason. We will attempt to nurture his love of learning out of the classroom, and keep a small twig’s worth alive. Somehow. We will attempt to maintain his relationships with his siblings, though I am watching those change dramatically as well. Seeing the difference is difficult. And sad. He’s turning into a teenager who cares about friends and today and things…instead of the young man I once knew who cared about family and friends, the future, and ideas.

When I spoke with my son he said, “At least my education is going well.” He’s getting all A’s and 1 B he plans on bringing up to an A. That’s what he meant by education. When I ask what he’s learning, he talks about tests and quizzes. I asked about the book he’s reading,“To Kill a Mockingbird.” He talked about interrupting his reading to search for the vocabulary words the teacher identified.

He used to talk about ideas.

Britt Kelly

Britt grew up in a family of six brothers and one sister and gained a bonus sister later. She camped in the High Sierras, canoed down the Colorado, and played volleyball at Brigham Young University. She then served a mission to South Africa.

With all of her time in the gym and the mountains and South Africa, she was totally prepared to become the mother of 2 sons and soon to be 9 daughters. By totally prepared she means willing to love them and muddle through everything else in a partially sleepless state. She is mostly successful at figuring out how to keep the baby clothed, or at least diapered, though her current toddler is challenging this skill.

She feels children naturally love to learn and didn’t want to disrupt childhood curiosity with worksheets and school bells. She loves to play in the dirt, read books, go on adventures, watch her children discover new things, and mentor her children. Her oldest child is currently at a community college and her oldest son is going to high school at a public school. She loves to follow her children in their unique paths and interests.

She loves to write because, unlike the laundry and the dishes, writing stays done. Whenever someone asks her how she does it all she wonders what in the world they think she’s doing.