When I say that my desire for control has caught up to me, I mean that I finally realize how much damage I’ve done to myself with the one thing that I thought kept me safe. 

Apparently I’m unique in this, but for my whole life, my mind has panicked when I’ve felt in my heart that everything is going to be okay. It’s like my thoughts are the Sea of Galilee in the middle of that terrible storm that caused the apostles to ask “Carest thou not that we perish?” and my heart is that moment when Jesus stands up and commands the waters to be still. With my anxiety, I always hoped that God would give me control over these kinds of thoughts and that I would be fixed. More and more, I am learning that He gives peace to my heart. That indescribable peace guides me like the light made from molten glass and touched by the Lord’s finger (Ether 3:1-6). It also is a sign to me that God sees me and loves me. 

For the past four years, I have been working on a wall. It’s a wall between me and God. I didn’t realize I was building it until recently, but it’s there. I’ve built it with stubbornness, hurt, and resentment. I tried so hard to justify the way I felt and the way I had walled myself off because God hadn’t given me an opportunity to date and get married. I was frustrated with His timing and started coming up with reasons why I wasn’t married. I thought I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, or that I had focused too much on my education. I went around looking for things to explain my circumstances. I felt that I had brought all of this on myself because I was inadequate. At the same time, I was angry and hurt because other people weren’t perfect but they were getting married. It wasn’t a good color on me and looking back, I’m not proud of the way I felt. 

I told myself that it’s okay to be mad at God for a long time because He understands. It’s okay to have that feeling because He gave me feelings. The one thing I didn’t realize was how much I was hurting myself. 

So here I am, four years deep into building a wall to keep myself from having to be vulnerable with God. It doesn’t make any sense, but I was incapable of bearing my soul to my Father who already knows the ugliest parts of me. I couldn’t bear to tell Him how much I was hurting and how much I felt He was the one who hurt me, so I hid behind my wall. I refused to tell the One who sees my heart’s deepest desires what I truly wanted because I already knew He wasn’t going to give it to me. It made no sense. I thought I could build this wall and push Heavenly Father’s outstretched hands away until He brought me the only blessing I wanted. I was wrong. Paul knew, long before I figured it out that, “…neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39).

via Home Stratosphere

Even while I was building it, I didn’t realize that I was creating a wall. I still read the scriptures, went to church, served in the temple, prayed daily, sought spiritual guidance, prepared myself to partake of the sacrament and all the other “small and simple” things that Alma talks about. However, I found that I couldn’t get any closer to God. No matter how hard I tried, I found all of those small and simple things to be unfulfilling. I felt like God was keeping me at an arm’s length, because even in the temple I didn’t have the moments of clarity and revelation I wanted.

It took me so long to realize that I was the one who was keeping Him away. He came as close to me as I would let Him and didn’t let my stubbornness stop Him from blessing me. It’s like the Lord told Joseph Smith in his moment of deep struggle: “As well might man stretch forth his puny arm to stop the Missouri river in its decreed course, or to turn it up stream, as to hinder the Almighty from pouring down knowledge from heaven upon the heads of the Latter-day Saints” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:33). That promise even encompasses our own personal efforts to hinder our relationship with God. 

In Sunday School a couple of weeks ago, one of the missionaries in my ward brought up the children of Israel and their experience with the brazen serpent on the staff. This elder said that we have a lot more in common than we think with the people who refused to look because it was too easy. It made me think of why I wouldn’t have looked. Had I been in that situation, I would not have looked because I would have thought, “I should be able to do this on my own.” I realized that while I need God, I expect more out of myself than He does. He has provided help to me and I keep refusing it because I think I should be perfect. I have believed in my heart that if I show any shred of weakness, I wouldn’t be deserving of the love of God, my parents, siblings, or anyone. If I couldn’t, out of sheer force of will, stamp out my own imperfections, I wasn’t worth anything as a person. 

All of this has led me to understand that vulnerability is required of us. I recently talked to my friend Jessica about the need for vulnerability. According to Dr. Brené Brown, vulnerability is “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” In order to live wholehearted lives, we must engage in vulnerability, especially with God. There is power in unburdening ourselves to Him. There is strength in telling Him about every moment we feel powerless. He will fill us when we tell Him we feel empty, but in order for Him to do that, we have to tell Him. We know that “[the] Father knoweth what things ye have need of before ye ask him,” (3 Nephi 13:8). However, we need to ask Him for those things. We need to invite Him into our lives through vulnerability. 

There is risk in telling Heavenly Father about our deepest feelings and desires. I have felt exposed when I have told Him how much my heart aches for promised blessings and how afraid I am of telling Him what I want because I am afraid of His answer. I have held back part of my heart because I am afraid that God will judge my desires or tell me that I am destined to be alone. All this time, He has been blessing me with everything that I have needed at this point in my life. I was focusing on what I wanted, not what I needed. Heavenly Father understands how much pain I have felt in these past four years. When I have been vulnerable with Him, I have allowed Him to be with me in my pain. It may seem like a small thing to others, but He understands how much I feel. 

To read more of Elisha’s articles, click here.

If you’ve built a wall, if you feel that your relationship with God is so strained that it’s beyond repair, it’s not too late. If you, like me, have been waiting for God to fulfill His promises before you let Him in, decide right now to choose Him and His plan for you. He has been blessing you all along, but choosing Him will allow you to see His immediate goodness. 

So don’t wait to let Him in. Right now, right this minute, knock down your wall. Choose Him.

Elisha Ransom

Elisha Ransom is a Pacific Northwest native who recently graduated from Brigham Young University. Sight unseen, she moved to a 600-square foot apartment in Portland, OR to pursue a master’s degree in urban planning. She is still trying to figure out a way to explain what urban planning is to people she talks to at parties.

Elisha served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Piura, Peru. Consequently, she has an affinity for Peruvian food and crowded public transit. In her spare time, Elisha enjoys watching the Great British Bake Off, eating tacos, and doing the New York Times crossword puzzle—these can be separate or combined activities.

via nurse.com

All during this time, she took on-call shifts and worked nights, weekends, and holidays so we had everything we needed. Yes, my mom was a working mom, but she was also present. To my parents, keeping our family of eight—and later, ten—floating was a team effort. They worked together and adjusted whenever needed to give us everything they could. My dad made it clear that having us was something they chose. They wanted every single one of us, even the two caboose babies.

All of this was only possible because of my mom’s education. My mom finished her two-year nursing program at Ricks College and became a registered nurse before she met my dad. She started at BYU and was planning on finishing her bachelor’s degree and going on a mission. When she met my dad, her plans changed and they got married in October of 1983. My dad worked as an electrician for a few years, but when he decided to go back to school and finish his degree, my mom was able to work to help put him through school and support their little family. They both made sacrifices to reach their goals. Again, this was only possible because my mom made the decision to get a degree in something that she was not only passionate about, but that she could turn into a career.

Because of the sacrifices they made for education, my parents took our education very seriously. My dad went from someone who struggled academically in high school to one of the most educated people I know. He showed me that anyone who applies themselves and works hard can get the education they want. This left me with no excuse when I brought home bad grades in math. My parents would tell me that they knew I could do better because I am smart. They believed in my abilities and encouraged me in my education. While they worried when I started studying Latin American studies, they loved how passionate I was about it. It served me well when I was called on my mission to Peru.

When I got home from my mission, my parents and I talked about changing my major. They were anxious that I wouldn’t be able to find a job to support myself once I graduated. After our conversation, I was heartbroken because I loved my major. However, I knew that changing was the right decision for me. That just left the small detail of finding a new major. Not knowing where else to start, I pulled up the BYU Undergraduate Catalog and just scrolled through majors. Geography caught my eye and I found myself deciding between two emphases: Geographic Information Systems (GIS) and Urban Planning. As I talked to my dad about it, he told me I wouldn’t like GIS—I would end up working for someone else for the rest of my life. He was 100 percent right. I have taken two GIS classes in my college career and I hated both. That just left urban planning. On the first day of my first class, I was hooked.

My parents have been wildly supportive of my decision. Every Christmas, I get a new batch of planning books that my dad gets really excited about. They rode the train with me to my grad school orientation and got excited with me about how nice Portland’s public transit system is. My mom just called me today about drama at a city council meeting in the next town over from them about a new housing development. She knows I enjoy a good public meeting drama. I’ve made it this far in my education because my parents have encouraged, supported, pushed, and sometimes forced me to go after what lights my soul on fire.

Just like my earthly parents, I have Heavenly Parents who have also pushed me forward toward my education. My patriarchal blessing emphasizes education several times. It’s clear that education is essential for my spiritual progression. Often we think of education as merely temporal, but Jesus reminded us in the Doctrine and Covenants that “…all things unto me are spiritual, and not at any time have I given unto you a law which was temporal; neither any man, nor the children of men; neither Adam, your father, whom I created” (D&C 29:34).

The Lord has made it clear through modern-day prophetic counsel that education is important to Him. President Gordon B. Hinckley said:

“The pattern of study you establish during your formal schooling will in large measure affect your lifelong thirst for knowledge. You must get all of the education that you possibly can. … Sacrifice anything that is needed to be sacrificed to qualify yourselves to do the work of [this] world. … Train your minds and hands to become an influence for good as you go forward with your lives” (Gordon B. Hinckley, Way to Be! Nine Ways to Be Happy and Make Something of Your Life (2002), 28).

Education is an important part of our development as children of God and especially as women.

I was recently talking to a former roommate about her decision to go to grad school. That’s a big decision and I don’t know what’s right for her, but a lot of our conversation was based around education and a future family. Much of our conversation revolved around the struggle we’ve had concerning the investment we’ve made in our education. She told me that she was proud of her education and what it means to her now.

We both agreed that it was hard to struggle through school not knowing how a future marriage or children may affect a career in our chosen fields. It’s difficult to put in all of the effort to get a graduate degree and know that I may only work for a little while. Some may view that as a waste of time. From where I am sitting at this point, graduate school is what feels right for me. This is what I am supposed to be doing. I have a purpose and a goal, and I am growing as a person. I don’t know what this all means for whatever future God has planned for me, but I am content with my choices. I am not worried because if I never get married or if some other unplanned situation arises, I will be able to support myself and my family. Not only that, but I will be doing something that serves those around me.

My mom never anticipated that she would work most of her adult life. She did not anticipate the fulfillment she gets from doing her job, nor the service she has been able to provide to people outside of her work. For example, she’s reassured dozens of new moms that the rash or bump their baby has is completely normal, and they don’t have to go to the pediatrician. For a while, she went to our neighbor’s house every day to give her shots that this woman couldn’t bring herself to do on her own. She rushed to a ward member’s house when their son had an extremely high fever and needed urgent medical attention. She’s been there for me for every scraped knee, shot, busted lip, or headache that I’ve ever had. It was hard when I went on my mission because for the first time in my life, I couldn’t ask my mom what to do when I had hundreds of mosquito bites on my legs, a weird rash on my arms, or a very upset stomach. My mom’s education has blessed the lives of tons of people in so many ways, even outside of work hours.

To read more of Elisha’s articles, click here.

We as women need an education. We have all been given gifts and talents that God has asked us to grow and develop. I worry that some women get whatever degree they can just to say they did it. I worry that some women leave school when they get married because they see their education as secondary to their husbands’ educations. I worry that women don’t pursue their passions right now in favor of being a wife and mother in the future. I worry that women don’t make the right choices for themselves in favor of making the choice that is viewed as culturally right. I worry that when women hear that they need an education, they look for something that will satisfice that requirement instead of something that satisfies their souls. I worry that we as women are telling ourselves to shorten our reach for what we imagine our lives will be.

With all those worries, I know that being a wife and mother is part of our Heavenly Parents’ plan for us. I also know that they fully intend for women to have joy and fulfillment. They want our souls to shine. They want us to one day stand confidently in our place as exalted beings. My seminary teacher would always tell us that we get to take two things with us into the next life: our relationships and our education. I firmly believe that it will serve us well as women to put our time and talents into both of these things. The demands of our relationships—including preparation for those relationships—often overshadow our education. However, this paragraph in For the Strength of Youth helps put education in the perspective of becoming a well-rounded person:

Education will prepare you for greater service in the world and in the Church. It will help you better provide for yourself, your family, and those in need. It will also help you be a wise counselor and companion to your future spouse and an informed and effective teacher of your future children.

Do I think about how I may be wasting my time with my education? In my darkest moments, yes. However, I always go back to this quote from the modern cinematic classic Love Comes Softly. There’s a lot to the story, but essentially Clark is a widower in a small frontier town who marries recent widow and school teacher Marty so that his young daughter will have a mother figure and an education. At one point, Marty says that an education is wasted on a girl growing up on the frontier and Clark replies, “Nothing is a waste of time if it adds to the person you are.” As women, we are building ourselves into well-rounded people who will serve our community, our church, and our family.

We don’t know what God ultimately has in store for us, so the best we can do is prepare ourselves to meet that potential future the best we can. He has asked us to get an education and I know He fully intends for us to be fulfilled through it. It doesn’t matter if you end up having a full-time career or never work in your chosen field—choose an education that will make you the best version of yourself. Doing so will help you fill the measure of your creation and bring you joy.

Elisha Ransom

Elisha Ransom is a Pacific Northwest native who recently graduated from Brigham Young University. Sight unseen, she moved to a 600-square foot apartment in Portland, OR to pursue a master’s degree in urban planning. She is still trying to figure out a way to explain what urban planning is to people she talks to at parties.

Elisha served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Piura, Peru. Consequently, she has an affinity for Peruvian food and crowded public transit. In her spare time, Elisha enjoys watching the Great British Bake Off, eating tacos, and doing the New York Times crossword puzzle—these can be separate or combined activities.

On my 23rd birthday, I cried in the shower. Before I turned 24, I completely changed my hair. For my 25th birthday, I had a week-long breakdown complete with panic attacks. This year, I got super wound up about the fact that I am terrible at romantic relationships and flirting in general, so it’s business as usual. 26 is apparently not the year that I move past my issues and find peace where I am. But I got a new screen protector for my phone, so that counts for something, right?

I don’t tell you about my emotional instability so you can feel better about yourself in comparison. Well, maybe I do a little bit, but I hope that there’s someone out there who feels like, “Hey, I’ve been there too!”

Limhi, Lamanite Subjection, and Alma the Elder

I’ve been thinking about the story told in Mosiah about the two different peoples that came from Zeniff moving into the lands of the Lamanites. As a reminder, Alma and his followers left the people of Zeniff after King Noah sent his guards to kill all of them because Alma was preaching and baptizing near the waters of Mormon. Limhi was the son of King Noah and became king after Noah was killed by fire for being a bad dude. These two groups of people came from roughly the same background and had similar experiences, but what strikes me are the differences between their experiences.

Limhi and his people end up paying tribute to the Lamanites and it is generally an unpleasant experience for everyone involved. Limhi started looking for ways out of their situation and even sent some people out to look for Zarahemla. They found the remainders of the Jaredites and Coriantumr, but they didn’t find Zarahemla. Later, Ammon (the first Ammon, not “chops-off-people’s-arms” Ammon) and friends set out from Zarahemla trying to find the people of Zeniff, but they get arrested by Limhi’s guards because they’re worried that Ammon is out to kill Limhi.

Ammon conversing with King Limhi

Once he finds out that they’re from Zarahemla, Limhi is welcoming and excited that they’re there. Gideon comes up with this brilliant plan to get the Lamanite guards drunk so they can all sneak out the back. Limhi is like, “That’s an amazing plan! I’ll send some more alcohol so they get even more drunk.” It’s a great moment in the Book of Mormon and the amazing part is that a similar plan works again later in Alma, and the Lamanites don’t even see it coming. With the Lamanites passed out, the people of Limhi are able to leave their city and make their way to Zarahemla.

In contrast, Alma and his people run away from King Noah’s guards and then they’re hanging out in their new home when they are taken over by King Noah’s former priests who kidnapped the Lamanite daughters and were in general terrible people. Amulon, the main priest, decides that he wants to make life difficult for Alma and his people, so they’re forced to do hard labor and are banned from praying.

Amulon makes a lot of decisions that are meant to break Alma and his people. Instead, they pray that the Lord will make them more capable to bear up the burdens that they have to bear. They are in bondage and things are not going great when the Lord comes to Alma and tells him that He is going to cause all of the guards to be in a deep sleep so they can all leave the city and make their way to Zarahemla. They make it out and they end up in Zarahemla with the rest of the Nephites and the people of Limhi.

Circumstance Envy

I am certain that the two groups of people talked to each other about their experiences in captivity. They all had the end result of returning to faith in God and escaping captivity, but both groups got there through completely different circumstances. I’m sure that at least one person looked at the experiences of the other group and probably asked God, “Why couldn’t it have happened that way for me?”

The people of Limhi escaping Lamanite bondage

As hard as we may try not to, we have all looked at the circumstances of another person and asked God, “Why couldn’t things happen in my life the way they happened in that person’s life?” That is a normal reaction to have and Heavenly Father understands why we feel that way. However,  I think He wants us to learn to understand that we all need different things. Limhi and his people had a different path than Alma and his people. Both groups had different needs and different circumstances, and Heavenly Father understood and planned for that.

He does the same for us.

I spent a lot of time on my mission wondering why I had to have the companions I had. I often wondered, “Why can’t I have companions that I get along with, where we both have lots of fun and are super productive?” In essence, I was asking, “Why can’t I have what other people have?” While I was struggling with my companions, it was painful to look around and see other missionaries who were getting along like a house on fire and getting lots of work done. It wasn’t wrong for me to want those things, but I had to recognize that that was not my situation. I had to understand that while I wanted to have a companion who was awesome and nice, that was not what I needed at the time. I eventually had two wonderful companions who were everything that I needed after struggling through much of my mission with difficult companions. Being in that situation helped me realize that there is a big difference between what we want and what we need.

Wants vs. Needs

The difference between a want and a need is important for us to recognize. I love the Disney movie The Princess and the Frog because it teaches that difference simply. In the movie, Tiana (the protagonist) is an extremely hardworking woman focused on her dream of opening a restaurant. She gets turned into a frog when she kisses a talking frog (suspend your disbelief, people) who offers to help her get her restaurant. (Sidenote: while this movie teaches lessons about wants versus needs and that having people to love in your life is important, it also teaches that you shouldn’t make important life decisions when you are emotionally distraught.)

Tiana and the frog prince enlist the help of a jazz-playing gator and a Cajun firefly to get them to Mama Odie, a witch who lives in a tree on the bayou. Mama Odie tells them that while they want to be human, they must dig a little deeper to understand what they need. She wants them to recognize that they need each other and that when you have love–whether that’s romantic love, friendship love, or family love–everything else falls into place.

Christ giving the Sermon on the Mount

When we have experiences that we do not want or we see other people with experiences that we would rather have than our own, it can be difficult to remember that God gives us what we need. I was talking to a friend a few months ago about some of the difficulties she was having with school. I was reminded of my favorite part of the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus says:

7 ¶ Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

 

8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

 

9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?

 

10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?

 

11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? (Matthew 7:7-11)

Heavenly Father is ready and willing to give us the things that He has prepared for us, and we have to remember that He is the giver of good gifts. When we receive things that are difficult, we may look at them and see a stone—then, when we look over at our friends with their loaves of bread, we get discouraged. Jesus taught that Heavenly Father will give us what we ask for, and that He will never give us something bad.

Comparison Creates Self-Loathing

Comparing what we have to others is never beneficial. Comparison is always going to hurt us. I am horrible about this. I am constantly comparing what I have to others around me. It makes me sad every time! It creates this spiral of sadness and self-hatred that is difficult to get out of. Whenever I start digging that pit for myself, I never feel that Heavenly Father is upset with me or looks at me and says, “Well, if you would just stop comparing yourself with other people, you wouldn’t be in this situation.” He has a lot of compassion for us when we find it difficult to accept the bread that He has offered us.

The reason I know He has compassion and patience is because of His words to the Saints in Doctrine and Covenants 58:

“Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation. For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand” (D&C 58:3-4, emphasis added).

He understands the circumstances in which we find ourselves, which is why He has given us what we need in the first place. He also understands that what we need can be difficult to take. He is always there to help us as we move forward with what we need to help us progress. Our Heavenly Parents are in the business of our eternal progression. The plan is designed for us to become like Them. Consequently, we are given what we need, not what we want.

Sometimes the bread the Lord gives us looks to our eyes like a stone.

Another pitfall of comparison is that we minimize our own feelings and difficulties. I trained a sweet missionary that was serious about being on a mission. She was there to work and she wanted to give every second she had to the Lord. Unfortunately, she had some health problems that got in the way of her desire to do that. She would get frustrated and would want to work when she was clearly not well. She would always tell me, “Jesus had it worse than I do.” I did not like hearing that from her. She used Jesus’ perfect life as a stick with which to beat herself because she fell short.

Finally I told her, “Jesus suffered everything that He did for you. He felt every sickness and every disappointment and frustration you have felt. He did it so He would know how to help you when you have to stay in bed because you’re throwing up or when your legs just won’t carry you anymore. He did it so He could carry you, not so you could make yourself feel bad for not being perfect.”

Christ Never Compares Us — So Why Do We?

The last thing that Jesus wants us to do is to look at Him and think that the Atonement isn’t for us because we don’t have it as bad as He did. Life is not a competition about who can suffer more, nor is it meant for us to shove our emotions deep down inside and hope they don’t all come spilling out once a year when we’re faced with the idea that it’s been a whole year and we’re still in the same place that we were in last year. Jesus sacrificed His perfect life for us so we could lean on Him and say, “I asked for bread but I’m pretty sure I got a stone. Help me carry this burden until I can see it as the bread I need.”

Recently I experienced another consequence of comparing myself to others. I had spiraled pretty hard on a Saturday night and then I got up for church the next day. I started spiraling again when I was waiting for sacrament meeting to start. Right as the opening hymn began, tears poured down my cheeks. My friend Rachel sat down by me and noticed that I was a complete mess and tried to ask me what was wrong and I couldn’t get the words out. I was embarrassed that I was crying in public and that I was crying over something that I felt was ridiculous. I was mad at myself for crying over something that a lot of other people struggle with, and I was sure that if I told Rachel why I was crying, she would think I was being ridiculous. I didn’t want to confide in her because I had compared our situations and believed that she would think I was being dramatic because she was in a similar place and doing just fine. Comparison is isolating.

I eventually confided in Rachel and instead of dismissing my feelings, she validated them. After talking to her, I felt seen. Our burdens become heavier if we insist on carrying them by ourselves. We can confide in Heavenly Father and we can confide in those around us. It’s easy to think that other people experiencing the same trial that we are will be dismissive—and some may be—when in reality, it’s the opposite. There is a lot of power in saying, “I’ve been in that hole. I know it can be hard, frustrating, sad, and lonely.”

To read more of Elisha’s articles, click here.

I suppose that this article has mostly been a letter to myself as a reminder that comparing myself and my circumstances to others will always leave me feeling empty. It is a reminder that what looks to me like a stone will eventually become the bread I need. Heavenly Father sees me in my circumstances, and that comforts me. He has never compared me to Beyonce, Eleanor Roosevelt, or Malala Yousafzai—and I shouldn’t either. I know that’s true for you, too.

“He is not waiting to love you until you have overcome your weaknesses and bad habits. He loves you today with a full understanding of your struggles…And God knows of your successes; though they may seem small to you, He acknowledges and cherishes each one of them,” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Living the Gospel Joyful,” October 2014).

Heavenly Father knows all of the stones you’re trying to accept and see as bread because He gave them to you. He is the giver of good gifts and that includes the gifts that you need to reach your full potential.

Elisha Ransom

Elisha Ransom is a Pacific Northwest native who recently graduated from Brigham Young University. Sight unseen, she moved to a 600-square foot apartment in Portland, OR to pursue a master’s degree in urban planning. She is still trying to figure out a way to explain what urban planning is to people she talks to at parties.

Elisha served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Piura, Peru. Consequently, she has an affinity for Peruvian food and crowded public transit. In her spare time, Elisha enjoys watching the Great British Bake Off, eating tacos, and doing the New York Times crossword puzzle—these can be separate or combined activities.

I, however, am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I couldn’t even bring myself to post about my graduation from college because it didn’t seem as important as people getting married or having babies. I just lurk around watching everyone else’s lives fill up with marriage and family. It’s definitely not healthy, but that’s not what this article is about. I’m just explaining the impetus behind the spiral that prompted me to write this article.

In the scriptures, we get stories of people who needed to trust God and move forward in order to accomplish His purposes. Too often we focus on the outcome of these stories and forget what happens in the middle. We can’t neglect the middle because that’s where most of us are. We find ourselves in the middle of the struggle.

Nephi and Laban

One example of being in the middle comes from Nephi. In 1 Nephi 3, Lehi tells Nephi that the Lord has commanded them to get the plates from Laban, and Nephi says that classic line: “And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.” (1 Nephi 3:7).

Nephi was commanded, against his own will, to kill Laban.

Nephi has just come from this experience where he has gained a testimony of everything his father has been teaching. He’s excited and he’s ready to do what the Lord has asked them to do. Through the struggles that Nephi and his brothers experienced trying to get the plates, Nephi’s unflagging faith carried him . Finally, when everything else failed, Nephi chose to put his faith in God again and he “was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which [he] should do” (1 Nephi 4:6).

Nephi is enthusiastic and he’s willing to trust implicitly until the Spirit directs him to do something he never thought he would have to do. The Spirit tells Nephi to kill Laban, and Nephi writes,  “And I shrunk and would that I might not slay him” (1 Nephi 4:10). Nephi knows that God will provide a way for him to obtain the plates, but when that way is shown to him, he hesitates. In that hesitation, we see Nephi’s struggle to put his trust in the Lord. Nephi cannot see the outcome in that moment, but God is merciful and helps Nephi understand why he needs to kill Laban.

We’ve all been in a situation where we’re willing to trust God as we move forward in life only to hesitate when we find out the way God wants us to go. We get to our metaphorical Laban and we look up at God and say, “I’m willing to trust, but please let it be any way but the way that you’ve given me.” In those moments, I like to think He takes us by the hand and shows us, like He did Nephi, just enough to understand and move forward. Trusting God doesn’t mean that we don’t have our doubts and fears — it means we keep moving forward in spite of those fears.

The Jaredites and the Barge

Another example later in the Book of Mormon is the Jaredites. The Jaredites left their home and traveled in the wilderness to get to the promised land. They reached the seashore and they stayed there for four years until the Lord commanded the Brother of Jared to build barges to cross the sea. The barges were like “…a whale in the midst of the sea” (Ether 2:24). The Jaredites didn’t entirely know what the journey would be like, but they did know that they would be underwater much of the time. They had to trust that the Lord would help them arrive in the promised land.

About being underwater, the Lord told them, “…the mountain waves shall dash upon you. Nevertheless, I will bring you up again out of the depths of the sea; for the winds have gone forth out of my mouth, and also the rains and the floods have I sent forth. And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which shall come . . .” (Ether 2:24-25). The winds and the waves that would beat on their barges and make their journey difficult and frightening were also the force that would push them forward to the promised land. They had to trust that the winds and waves would help them rather than hurt them.

My Experience Struggling with a Missionary Companion

In the middle of our most difficult circumstances, we have to believe that the Lord will “…consecrate [our] afflictions for [our] gain“ (2 Nephi 2:2). We have to trust that Heavenly Father will prepare us for those difficulties. On my mission, I had a difficult companion with whom I really struggled. I felt like I was trapped in a barge with one of the most toxic people I’ve ever met and I felt fully at the mercy of the winds and the waves.

At that time, I remembered the words of Robert Frost: “I can see no way out but through.” We didn’t become friends. I didn’t help her change. I silently sobbed every Monday in my little internet cubicle as I read encouraging words from my parents. Every morning, I prayed for the strength to crawl through another day. This story does not have an Ensign ending. I endured a transfer with her and then she moved on to a new area.

A few years of perspective have helped me understand, to some extent, why I had her as a companion. While it was very difficult, she was the wind and waves that pushed me forward to prepare me for other assignments I would have in the mission. Being her companion forced me to lean on the people around me—my family, friends, other missionaries, my mission president—which I otherwise would not have done. Even more, it forced me to lean on Jesus and trust that I could make it through by relying on His love and grace. I realized that when things are difficult in my little barge, I still have the light of Jesus, just like the Jaredites had the small stones that Jesus touched with His finger. In my little barge, I have to trust that the light will be enough to help me weather the wind and the waves.

Joseph Smith and the Lost Manuscript

During that time with my difficult companion, I read Doctrine and Covenants 3 frequently. This section was given to Joseph Smith after Martin Harris lost the 116 pages of the manuscript for the translation of the Book of Mormon. Consequently, the Lord took the plates from Joseph. This period of time was already very difficult for Joseph. His wife, Emma, had been pregnant with their first child, but the baby did not live long after birth.

“But For a Small Moment” by Liz Lemon Swindle

Joseph was grieving and taking care of Emma as she was recovering. Then Martin Harris told him that the 116 were lost. He was in the middle of one of the worst times of his life and he had to trust that all was not lost. By giving Martin Harris the 116 pages despite God’s initial repudiation, Joseph failed to trust that the Lord’s way was better than his way, and God allowed him to learn from that experience. After Joseph goes through a period of repentance, the Lord speaks to him saying, “The works, and the designs, and the purposes of God cannot be frustrated, neither can they come to naught” (D&C 3:1).

I keep going back to Doctrine and Covenants 3 even now because it reminds me that God has a plan. He knew that the 116 pages were going to be lost and He had prepared for that. In 1 Nephi 9, Nephi writes, “Wherefore, the Lord hath commanded me to make these plates for a wise purpose in him, which purpose I know not. But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words…” (1 Nephi 9:5-6). Nephi didn’t know why he had been commanded to make a second set of plates, but he trusted the Lord and made them.

Applying Trust as a Latter-day Saint Single

I’m in my mid-twenties and I’m still single. The fact that I’m still relatively young doesn’t change the fact that most of my friends are married and have children. I’m at a point in my life where I see everyone passing me and heading on to bigger and better things in life. Meanwhile, I’m in the middle like Nephi, the Jaredites, or Joseph Smith. I’ve been promised a lot of things in my patriarchal blessing and in other blessings I’ve received—promises I’ve yet to see fulfilled.

To read more of Elisha’s articles, click here.

I’ve moved forward and made something of my life. I’ve done my best to live instead of waiting for my life to start. In spite of my efforts to keep my chin up and hope for the best, being single gnaws at me constantly. It’s an ache in my soul that nothing has assuaged. I struggle to trust that everything will turn out fine, so I turn to Doctrine and Covenants 3 to remember that “…God doth not walk in crooked paths, neither doth he turn to the right hand nor to the left, neither doth he vary from that which he hath said, therefore his paths are straight, and his course is one eternal round” (D&C 3:2).

Heavenly Father has told me—and all of us—that He keeps his promises. One of the major themes of the Book of Mormon is that He remembers His people. I am not forgotten or left behind to Him. He will keep His promises, and all He asks is that I trust Him. He asks for my trust when I am asked to move forward without knowing what comes next. He asks for my trust when I am blown about by the winds and the waves of uncertainty. He asks for my trust when I cannot see the way in which He plans to accomplish His purposes. In the middle of everything, I hold onto the assurance that He truly does keep all His promises and I keep moving forward.

Additional Readings: 

Doctrine and Covenants 58:3-4

Elisha Ransom

Elisha Ransom is a Pacific Northwest native who recently graduated from Brigham Young University. Sight unseen, she moved to a 600-square foot apartment in Portland, OR to pursue a master’s degree in urban planning. She is still trying to figure out a way to explain what urban planning is to people she talks to at parties.

Elisha served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Piura, Peru. Consequently, she has an affinity for Peruvian food and crowded public transit. In her spare time, Elisha enjoys watching the Great British Bake Off, eating tacos, and doing the New York Times crossword puzzle—these can be separate or combined activities.

This was the first time I had met with a therapist. I was in tears sitting on a little blue couch, telling a complete stranger about my struggle with self-esteem and self-doubt. I was there because I had a complete emotional breakdown after coming home from my mission and returning to school. It was like everything that I had pushed down while I had been on my mission resurfaced with a vengeance. All the negative feelings and unresolved issues of self-worth came back in a deluge during my first week back in classes.

I cried to my sweet friend Amy, expressing that even though I had changed so much, I was still in the same place emotionally that I had been for years. Amy suggested that I go see a therapist and in the matter of a few days, I had an appointment with Sam at the BYU counseling center.

Unrealistic Expectation

Sam saw right through me. He understood that every time that I said “I should…” I was stating an expectation that I had for myself. I needed to be perfect. I desperately wanted people to view me as responsible, likable, and trustworthy. I truly believed that if I wasn’t perfect, I was not worthy of love. I looked at myself in the mirror and I hated myself because I didn’t meet my unrealistic expectations. Sam first helped me unpack all of my toxic beliefs about myself and then helped me realize that being perfect and being good (and deserving of love) are not the same thing.

That experience was not my first struggle with my inner demons. When I was on my mission, I had to leave a sacrament meeting because I could not let go of how much I hated myself. I ran to the bathroom crying because I couldn’t stand it anymore. My companion, Hermana Fernandez, held me while I cried and listened to me as I let loose every insecurity I was feeling.

Continuing her endless kindness to me, Hermana Fernandez told ward members I was crying because I was sad my mission was ending soon. She refused to let me get the better of myself. Every day for the rest of my time with her, Hermana Fernandez made sure I took care of myself, did my hair, and put on makeup to do my best to love myself. She patched me up and pushed me to act in self-love.

Loving Ourselves

Hermana Fernandez taught me a crucial lesson in the time I was with her. She emphasized the importance of the two great commandments. First, we are to love God with all our heart, might, mind, and strength. Second, we are to love our neighbor as ourselves. Hermana Fernandez asked me one day, “Hermana Ransom, how can you love your neighbor if you don’t love yourself? God commanded us to love our neighbor as ourselves and if we don’t love ourselves, we can’t love our neighbor.” I had never realized that the second commandment is reflexive. It is a commandment to both love our neighbor and to love ourselves.

The Love and Life of Christ

Because of my struggles with perfectionism, I have often thought of Jesus and His perfect life. Jesus lived a perfect life. In order to be our Savior and to atone for our sins, He had to be perfect. That means the life that He lived was never truly His own. Before he suffered in Gethsemane and before he walked the long, lonely road to die on Calvary, He lived His life completely for us. Every decision He made was for us.

I wonder if He felt overwhelmed by the weight of His mission to be a perfect sacrifice for the “…pains and afflictions and temptations…” (Alma 7:11) of every child of our Heavenly Parents. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect because I don’t want to let anyone down. If Jesus had not been perfect, He would have let us all down. One of the most intimate glimpses that we have of the Savior’s personal experience in completing the Atonement is in Doctrine and Covenants 19:

16 For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;

 

17 But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;

 

18 Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—

It was difficult for Jesus to go through the atoning process. It was not a small thing for Him and at some point He felt inadequate to the mammoth task in front of Him. With that understanding, verse 19 is one of my favorite verses in the scriptures:

19 Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men.

“We Are Not Small Things”

While the Atonement was not a small thing for Jesus, we are not small things to Him either. We are greater than all of the suffering that He experienced for us. When things were difficult, I imagine He thought to himself, “But how will [insert your name here] ever make it?” He has said, “…thy walls are continually before me,” (Isaiah 49:16) and I believe Him.

In these last few years since my mission, I have gotten better at remembering, as Elder Gerrit W. Gong said, “To be worthy does not mean to be perfect.” I have still struggled. I have felt left behind and spiritually stunted and a million other feelings as I have struggled into my mid-twenties. I felt like I was slamming myself up against the same wall of impatience and imperfection. In a blessing I received recently, my sweet cousin told me that God has cried with me in every moment of struggle. Jesus knows the burdens of my heart. He has carried them when I could not. He lived the way He lived so He could carry them.

Isaiah described Jesus as “…a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief..” (Isaiah 53:3) and I know that it had to be that way for Him to fulfill His mission. I am reminded that when He chose to be our Savior, He chose to give up some of the most joyful experiences mortal life has to offer — quite possibly marriage, children, and certainly a sense of belonging — in order to bridge the gap between us and God created by the fall of Adam and Eve.

It was part of the plan that Adam and Eve would fall and distance themselves from God. Their transgression brought sin and death into the world and in order to overcome the effects of the fall, we needed a savior. Jesus volunteered to be that for us. He did this because He loves us.

I’ve spent hours and hours wondering why someone so perfect would do that for me, someone so imperfect, and the only explanation I have is that He is filled with love for us. I have to keep reminding myself that “He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him. Wherefore, he commandeth none that they shall not partake of his salvation” (2 Nephi 26: 24).

To read more of Elisha’s articles, click here.

So we’re back at where we started. I am imperfect. I try so hard not just to be good, but to be perfect. I’ve felt at times that I am not worthy of Jesus’ mercy or grace because I have made mistakes. I forget that He will never send me away because I have yet to reach perfection.

As Nephi wrote, Jesus laid down His life to draw me, and everyone, to Him. He invites us to come and be perfected in Him. I have failed in the past to recognize just how much mercy is available to me. He was and is perfection and everything He did in His time on Earth was to help us reach our Heavenly Parents once more.

Additional help with perfectionism:

Becoming Perfect in Christ by Elder Gerrit W. Gong

Be Ye Therefore Perfect—Eventually by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Living the Gospel Joyful by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Elisha Ransom

Elisha Ransom is a Pacific Northwest native who recently graduated from Brigham Young University. Sight unseen, she moved to a 600-square foot apartment in Portland, OR to pursue a master’s degree in urban planning. She is still trying to figure out a way to explain what urban planning is to people she talks to at parties.

Elisha served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Piura, Peru. Consequently, she has an affinity for Peruvian food and crowded public transit. In her spare time, Elisha enjoys watching the Great British Bake Off, eating tacos, and doing the New York Times crossword puzzle—these can be separate or combined activities.