DarEll Hoskisson, Author at LDS Blogs https://ldsblogs.com/author/darellshoskisson Wed, 09 Aug 2017 22:20:44 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Walking Through Doors https://ldsblogs.com/37444/walking-through-doors https://ldsblogs.com/37444/walking-through-doors#respond Thu, 10 Aug 2017 08:00:57 +0000 https://en.elds.org/ldsblogs-com/?p=37444 Have you ever walked into a building with two sets of doors, an outer and an inner set?  There might be a small foyer in between for dropping off wet umbrellas, etc.  I am in that small foyer area, surrounded by glass.  It is beautiful outside, so I’m holding the door open with my foot.  But, I know I need to go inside.  So, I’m pushing that door open, too.  But, I can’t move at all like this.  And I hover, knowing that I’m at a decision point.  

 

I can’t choose.  I can’t.  But, I already have.  I have let go of many things I love to make room for a commitment, and now I must go forward to keep it.  Like going into that building, there will be less freedom, more structure.   I will be a beginner again. I will have to start over.  The potential calls to me.  I hover at the door.

 

I thought that I could write my blogs and teach, but I see now that although I can never stop writing and will not, that I can not keep publishing in this way at this time.  It brings a calm, sadness, one that I feel very peaceful about.  

 

It can wait.  I can do it later.  If not, it will be okay.  I let go of the door and step forward into a new life.  

 

We Have To Prioritize

 

If there is anything I know, it is that I have to prioritize.  I love hard things, and hard things take energy and focus to accomplish.  Energy and attention are my most prized, limited personal resources.  I can’t do everything, but I want to do something well.

 

Seasons

 

I’m going on a mission.  I don’t know how long it will last, perhaps until the day I die.  We never really know when that will be. But, I embrace my path because I must move forward, and I must love.  

 

My season of caring for young children is past.  It is and was my “dream that will need all the love [I] can give, every day of [my] life for as long as [I] live.”  I have loved being a parent and putting my family first.  

 

I wouldn’t change it for a second.  It has been the hardest thing I have ever done and will likely ever do, but I am not sorry.  I have loved every minute of it.  Each one of them is worth it.   

 

My children do not need me as much anymore.  My youngest is starting middle school, the rest of them are grown, and so, our family has graduated into a new era.  We walked through a door.  I refuse to stay home and cry.  I must learn.  I must make my community better if I can.  And so, I embrace a new profession that a teacher expressed yesterday as “the hardest job you will ever love.”  

 

Now

 

There is no time like the present, and we have to judge.  

 

I read that people have a hard time letting go, even if what is ahead is better.  We often resist loss more than we embrace a better future.  I feel that same tug of familiarity and comfort with all of humanity.  But, staying comfortable has never been my goal.  

 

We have to be brave now.

We have to live now.

Everyday Disciple- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

We must love

Now.

 

I love you!  Never forget it.  Even if I never meet you, that is what this writing is all about for me–showing you I care by sharing the treasures of my life, the things I’ve learned along the way.  I hope it lightens your burdens in some way, and God willing, I will come back and write to you again some day.

 

Namaste,

 

DarEll S. Hoskisson

 

]]> https://ldsblogs.com/37444/walking-through-doors/feed 0 Pursuing Passion https://ldsblogs.com/36708/pursuing-passion https://ldsblogs.com/36708/pursuing-passion#comments Thu, 06 Jul 2017 08:00:47 +0000 https://en.elds.org/ldsblogs-com/?p=36708 This week I got fired before I got hired.  It was an incredible let-down letter.  The principal said that she didn’t want to hire anyone to teach at her school who didn’t want to be there.  Instead of letting it discourage me, I wrote her back.  Who wouldn’t want to work for a principal like that?  

 

Our students deserve teachers that want to be there for them.  We all need passionate leaders and teachers.  I’m glad she requires passion at her school.  That is my kind of school.  And, I’m happy to say that she did reconsider, and I was not offended.  I could see that she clearly just doesn’t know me.  I’m usually passionate and sometimes over-eager.  But, what is passion?

 

Misleading Counterfeit: Emotion

 

Angry people who “follow their passion” are just impulsive and rash.  Doing what we feel like, and saying what we feel like may be passionate, but it is not excellence.  We might admire people who are brave enough to say what they really think, but what we say in anger is rarely completely accurate or helpful.  

 

I used to react to my children when they spoke in anger.  “You don’t love me,” was the hook that got me every time.  It would hurt because I’d worry they really believed that.  The lie made me mad because everything I ever tried to do was show them how deeply I love them.  Then we were both flared up and overly emotional.  This is not the kind of passion I’m referring to.  

 

Misleading Counterfeit: Immaturity

 

I love so many things that I often switch between different projects, different research topics, and diverse activities.  I often wondered if allowing myself the freedom to flit between different pursuits was passionate or immature.  

 

I know that just doing what you want to without regard to others, without getting what needs to be done finished first is selfish. Someone you care about or that is counting on you to do your part gets stuck with the chores or “dirty work” while you get to go play.  Pursuing only pleasure is not passion; it is irresponsible and immature.  But true passion is pleasurable.  

 

A starting definition: Passion is self-discipline  

 

I discovered something recently that shocked me.  I both believe it and disbelieve it.  See what you think:  

 

“…to develop a superior character, you must exert ever-higher levels of self-discipline and self-mastery on yourself.  You must do the things that average people don’t like to do.”

–Brian Tracy ( No Excuses! The power of self-discipline. )

 

Maybe we are not so different from each other after all!  Maybe most people prefer to play or do things they prefer rather than exercise, take out the trash, and wipe snotty noses.  Maybe boring chores are no one’s favorite thing to do!  

 

(Conversely, I know that there are a few people who do love to iron, balance checkbooks, etc.  I know we have different talents and different definitions of fun that we can capitalize on with teamwork.)

 

So passion, the kind of deep seated, abiding commitment  and drive for excellence I’m talking about can not be tossed around by the winds of everyday emotions, can not be avoiding work and alienating our family or coworkers by being irresponsible, and can not be avoiding things we just don’t like.  

 

Passion is persistent, hard work that bears fruit.

 

Amy Chua, in her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, explains it this way:

 

“What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you are good at it.  To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences.  This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning; which is where Western parents tend to give up.  

 

But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle.  Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America.  Once a child starts to excel at something…he gets praise, admiration, and satisfaction.  This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun.”  

 

Robert Louis Stevenson calls this definition of passion a pleasure.  “I know what pleasure is, for I have done good work.”  It is immensely satisfying to do something well.  That is my kind of fun.

 

In a TED talk I watched a speaker (sorry I don’t have her name) say that passion equals focused, successful work.  It is a consequence or product of sustained hard work.  It is the result of “grit” that is getting so much attention as the key ingredient to success.  She said, “Passion follows you.”  

 

Passion is being fully present.

 

I agree that passion is partly a product.  We love to do things we are good at.  But I can also have passion when I do things I’m not good at.  For example, I haven’t studied art.  I love art, but I’m so practical I find it hard to find the time to do it.  I have no use for it.  

 

But, I locked myself in my room one day to make a material collage of an important symbol to me.  I played beautiful music while I worked.  I was uninterrupted, and I experienced “flow,” a timeless state of enjoyment.  It wasn’t the product that mattered.  It was enjoying the journey.  

 

This kind of passion does not require that we “must exert ever higher levels of self-mastery and self-discipline,” on ourselves. Hard, focused work doesn’t have to be so hard if we enjoy every minute of it.  With this kind of definition, passion is allowing ourselves time to focus, allowing ourselves to be precisely and completely where we are.  We can work hard, and we can love it so much it feels easy.  

 

So, if passion is not a feeling, and if it is a product or a process but not necessarily either,  what is passion?  Where is it?  And, how do we capture it?  

 

How I experience passion

 

Passion to me is an enduring energy.  It is the mitochondria of my soul that powers through the rough patches.  Passion is a determined, energetic attitude.  

 

Passion is a character trait, one I claim for myself because I decided to claim it.  It bubbles up like an internal spring because I follow my heart, and I refuse to shut it down.  

 

Passion is an unquenchable desire that fuels effort.  A knowledge that there is nothing else that I would rather do.  Nothing.  

 

To read all of DarEll’s articles, click on the picture.

Passion is knowing that what you are doing now is the most important thing you could be doing at the moment.  It is fully invested.  It can not be half-way.  It is not holding back.  It is not giving up.  It is worth the price you are willingly paying even though it requires more sacrifice than you ever imagined.

 

“A dream that will need all the love you can give, every day of your life, for as long as you live.”  –”Climb Every Mountain”

 

Passion is deeply caring.  It is commitment.  It is love.

 

I think that passion is who we are in completeness.  It is not only what we believe is important, but acting fully upon that belief. When we are passionate, there is no disconnect between our purpose, our activity and our beliefs.  We are fully in alignment with ourselves.  

 

Pursue what matters most to you, and I believe you’ll find your passion as well.   

 

Your passion is living all of you.  Your passion is you.

Don’t hold back.

With real passion, if you crash and burn, you know you’ll just get right back up again.

There is nothing to lose.  

 

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson

]]> https://ldsblogs.com/36708/pursuing-passion/feed 1 Assumptions https://ldsblogs.com/36634/assumptions https://ldsblogs.com/36634/assumptions#comments Thu, 08 Jun 2017 08:00:36 +0000 https://en.elds.org/ldsblogs-com/?p=36634

“Errant assumptions lie at the root of every failure” according to Peter Drucker.  

 

In No Excuses, Brian Tracy warns that you must have “tremendous self-discipline and character to face the possibility that you could be wrong in your most cherished assumptions and beliefs.”

 

A stranger in a new land, I had a bush in my yard planted by the previous owner.  It had two inch long thorns, but I let it grow assuming that it must flower in some other season.  A year later it had grown in every direction and was huge, without a single flower.  I wished I had cut it down when it was small and manageable.  Although I did conquer that wicked thorn bush, it was not without injury.  Reality did not live up to my expectations, and it was a huge effort to get it out of there.  

 

During that same year, I was struggling emotionally.  I lived way out in the middle of the country.  Most of our few neighbors were gone most of the day, and my four year old and I had a 30 minute drive to the nearest grocery store.  When she went to kindergarten, I was alone for most of the day for the first time in my life.

 

I had no idea how to enjoy so much alone time.  I was struggling with being in a new area away from long-term relationships.  I had a big child that was still throwing massive temper tantrums.  So, I did the only thing I could think of to do. I complained.

 

I called up my parents and my friends and whined.  I related all the difficulties.  I didn’t like being a complainer, but I didn’t know what else to do about the situation or my problems.  I explained the problems over and over until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

 

Finally coming to the conclusion that something had to change, I prayed for a friend.  I cut up a milk container and put bird seed in it thinking that maybe at least a bird would come and lift my spirits.  I went outside and hung it in the tree.  I liked being outside because the loneliness was less oppressive.  The heaviness lightened a bit, and I could breathe better.

 

The next day as I was going out to get the mail, I noticed there were still no birds.  I felt pathetic.  I couldn’t even get a bird to come visit me.  Then, insult to injury, I saw a fuzzy tail in my bird feeder.  A squirrel got in and was taking away the food.  

 

Feeling as friendless as possible, I prayed again for a friend.  I opened my mail box.  Right on the top was the Friend magazine, our church’s children’s publication.  

 

I felt loved.  I felt seen.  And, although I still didn’t have a tangible friend nearby at the moment, God reminded me of his love.  He is our ultimate, always available friend.  

 

I think it might have been because I was low enough to become humble and turn to him that I started to see how my assumptions had been wrong.  

 

Even though I am friendly and enjoy meeting new people and making friends, I realized I still couldn’t expect a ten-year friendship in one or two years.  Friendships take investment and nurturing and enduring together.  

 

I also had a personal characteristic that I thought of as a strength.  In a flash of understanding, I saw that I was making myself crazy by actually protecting and valuing something that I expected would one day flower.

 

Thank heaven, the Lord opened my eyes.  I suddenly saw it for what it was, a big, thorny weed.  I was almost sick and felt overwhelmed.  It was like a weed that has runners underground.  I could see that this weed affected nearly every aspect of my life.

 

It was very curious to me, then, how obvious it was.  I wondered if that is normal, to be the last to know some things about yourself.  It must be human nature to protect ourselves from seeing things we don’t want to see or can’t accept about ourselves.  

 

But I also felt loved.  Seeing it clearly was three-fourths of the solution.  We can not solve a problem if we are missing the true picture of what the problem actually is.  

 

I wrote it down for myself as a self-check that I keep on my desk.  It says, “Is the problem you are trying to solve, actually the problem?”  

 

“… the guilty taketh the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center.”  (1 Ne 16 vs 2-3)

 

“I know that the words of truth are hard against all uncleanness; but the righteous fear them not, for they love the truth and are not shaken.”  (2 Ne 9:40)

 

I want to love the truth.  I want to have that kind of courage!  But sometimes, I don’t even like the truth.  It isn’t what I wanted.  It isn’t what I thought I signed up for.  I want to fight the truth with all I’ve got.  NO!  

 

Living in a fantasy world of my own making is like sleep walking into walls.  It is full of “could haves,” “should haves,” and “ought tos”.  It is a lonely, disturbingly distorted place that trips me into hard falls and lands me in consternation, confusion and frustration very like Alice’s wonderland.

 

Fantasy has room for every assumption.  

 

But, it isn’t healthy,

sane,

or productive to actually try to live there

and fight reality.

 

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

(2 Timothy 1:7)

 

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

And so, to live every day a disciple of Christ, we must challenge our assumptions.  Because we believe we know what is right, doesn’t mean we do.  Could Abraham have guessed that taking his son to the altar was the right thing to do?  

 

And, my fight must become a daily prayer:

 

Heavenly Father,

Please open my eyes so that I can see.

Please free me from the fears and beliefs that so easily blind me.

Help me to see where there is something different I can do.

And, if there isn’t, please help me more fully trust in you.

 

]]> https://ldsblogs.com/36634/assumptions/feed 1 How to Sustain Motivation https://ldsblogs.com/36233/how-to-sustain-motivation https://ldsblogs.com/36233/how-to-sustain-motivation#comments Fri, 05 May 2017 08:00:53 +0000 https://en.elds.org/ldsblogs-com/?p=36233 I love starting new goals and projects.  I also can’t stop myself from finishing them when I smell the completion just out of reach.  But that long marathon of a middle drains my energy.  The tedious, repetitive action part tanks my motivation.  

 

I’ve learned that some people are like conquerors.  They go in and take new territory.  Other people are like settlers.  They go into that fresh new country and make homesteads.  Settlers seem to have no trouble with day to day maintenance and routines.  If you have no trouble reaching your goals, maybe you have already written a step by step process for reaching goals that works for you.  

 

But, I’m a conqueror.  If I’m not taking new territory, I feel stagnant like I’m not moving at all.  This can be incredibly discouraging.  A step by step, predictable process also doesn’t work for me because my life is not predictable, and I actually like it that way.  If you love a lot of variety, work with people rather than things, or are in an incredibly long process, here are some strategies to help sustain your motivation.

 

Don’t Schedule Everything:

 

“Appointments are a no no.  Planning ahead is a no no.” –Arnold Schwarzenegger

 

One of the first tips that settlers give is to calendar everything.  This really does work for some people. But, for others it feels stressful and leads to nothing but frustration.  If one surprise happens to come up, the whole system is wrecked like a set of dominoes, sending a contagion of frustration that ripples throughout the whole day and sometimes the whole week.

 

In Messy, Tim Harford quotes a surprising result from Abrahamson and Freedman’s book A Perfect Mess. They discovered that students who made a daily plan to study actually ended up studying less than students who made no plan at all.  Why?  Because things would happen outside of their control that messed up their plans.  Then, they would be so frustrated, they would give up or not recognize all the time they did have to study.  What, then, is the solution?  That same study found that students who made monthly goals studied far more than either of the other groups, on average over 10 hours more.  That is more than three times the result of the daily plan average!  

 

This really works for me!  Rather than set a daily or even a weekly goal, I set a monthly goal.  Then, just like you might expect, I divide the work (or budget) into daily estimates and weekly benchmarks.  I use these measureable targets to give me an idea of what I’m aiming for and then relax and seize opportunities when they come.  

 

Many days I may not be able to work on a particular goal at all which could be really discouraging.  But monthly goals are so flexible that they can withstand a sick day or a busy week without getting off track. Monthly goals can help you see if you are beating your own expectations.  I love surpassing my own estimates.  This kind of winning is fun and super motivating.  Comparing your performance to your expectations can also help you adjust your benchmarks if they are far too easy or too difficult to reach.    

 

Whatever your chosen pace, don’t use that number to limit yourself (some days you might really be able to dive in and get more done) or to hit yourself (I’m so dumb I can’t even…..).  

 

Over time you will be able to judge if your expectation is realistic with your current responsibilities.

 

How important is a SMART goal?

 

If you have studied setting goals, you know there is a ton of literature out there about how to set a “SMART” goal.  It has to be specific, measureable, attainable, realistic and timely.  I have known this for years and still struggle to get my goals, especially personal, long term goals done.  Why is that?  

 

An article published by Zapier recently caught my attention and excited me because it said that research has concluded that other aspects of goal setting are critical.  For example, how important the goal is to you will determine how likely you are to get that goal.  Now that makes a lot of sense!  If it is important to us, we will push other things out of the way for it.  If it isn’t, it will have to fit into the left-over spaces and may have to take longer or not get done at all.  

 

So, set goals that are important to you, so important that you will make time for them and say no to other things.  If it isn’t that important, it is a hobby and can take whatever free time you spend on it without a deadline.  

 

Choose your focus: process vs end product

 

NASM’s course on behavior change explains that people who set process goals and performance goals do better than those who focus on specific outcomes.  For example, someone who sets a goal to work out twenty minutes per day (process) or beat their personal time in the 2 mile by 1 minute (performance) have better results and are more likely to win races, etc. than those that set goals to win the race (outcome).  

 

Those that focus on winning or getting a result that they are not in control of and have to compete for (such as a particular job) are much less likely to get the coveted position because of the undue stress they put on that outcome.  Being too worried about the results distracts from focused practice all along the way.

 

So, don’t distract yourself with unnecessary worrying.  Instead, focus on what you can control and the results will take care of themselves.  

 

Consider your web of values

 

Studying to teach many cultures in school, I learned that some cultures emphasize the needs of the group over the needs of the individual.  These strong social influences may cause us to prioritize helping others over meeting our own needs.  This priority can interfere with our ability to accomplish personal goals.  I’m not suggesting that this is wrong.  I personally choose to set aside many things I prefer to do to meet the needs of my family, friends and work teams.  I value group accomplishment and personal sacrifice.

 

Think about the very real forces in your own values that may be working against your personal plans.  If you value family, for example, what your family needs is important to you, maybe even more important to you than practicing the piano today which might be a personal goal.  If you go to sleep tonight with your family safe and fed, but with no piano practice done, how will you feel?  Like you cheated yourself, or like you lived true to your most important values?

 

I’ve done both.  It is easy to feel like I am there for everyone else and not there for myself if I let this value get out of balance.  I do need to keep personal commitments just to myself, especially related to my health and well-being.  But, I also see that my actions speak louder than my goals.  I tend to do what is most important to me.  

 

Go visual

 

Everyday Disciple- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

If you appreciate visual feedback or like to see the big picture, charting steps, pages, or parts will help you see your progress.  Checking off a box or visually seeing how many you have done compared to the whole project can be very encouraging.  All you need is a paper or a white board with the right number of squares.  Seeing progress sustains motivation.

 

But, if you try to accomplish something for years and you just never can seem to get your goal, I would like to suggest that maybe it isn’t really that important to you, at least not right now.

 

At my house several people play the piano.  I don’t need to play it.  I prefer to move and do useful and social things.  Why do I think that when I have free time, I’m going to choose to sit alone day after day and practice in order to develop a skill that no one I know needs me to have?   

 

We can let some things go.

We can stay flexible and centered on what really matters to us with larger time frames.

We can celebrate beating our predicted pace

And give our schedule some realistic breathing space.

 

Good luck reaching for your stars.

 

Namaste,

 

DarEll S. Hoskisson

]]> https://ldsblogs.com/36233/how-to-sustain-motivation/feed 1 Happily Ever After https://ldsblogs.com/35549/happily-ever-after https://ldsblogs.com/35549/happily-ever-after#comments Tue, 04 Apr 2017 08:00:11 +0000 https://en.elds.org/ldsblogs-com/?p=35549 I wish everyone could have their dreams come true early on in their life.  That was my luck or blessing.  I found myself in the home of my dreams with the husband of my dreams and three or four children.  I had “made it” before age 25.  Life should have been grand.  I had everything I ever wanted, and I was miserable.  It was such a surprise!  I felt utterly lost.  How can I have it all and feel like this?  

 

Fiddler on the Roof

We all long for tangible and intangible things to make us happy.  Like Tevia in Fiddler on the Roof, we don’t have to be unfaithful to see the value of wealth and wish for that curse, “and may I never recover.”

 

Just because others misuse wealth or don’t appreciate the blessings they have doesn’t mean we’d do the same. But here I was, with everything I needed or thought I needed, and I wasn’t happy at all.  This didn’t add up to me.  What was wrong?

 

This experience that lasted months spurred a search for happiness spanning about 15 years.  This is not a story of someone who came to know God.  I already knew him.  I was cradled by him.  My story is a search by someone who knows God, or I thought I did.  Someone who believes in Christ.  Someone who had all the answers at my fingertips and still managed to be unhappy.  

 

Can you be faithful and unhappy at the same time?  

 

I have to say a resounding, YES YOU CAN!  

 

Why, why did I think that being faithful meant being always happy?  I don’t know.  I am not sure where that belief crept into my expectations.  Looking happy is not always being happy.  Sure, an actor on a stage can always be happy.  A fictional character can always be happy.  But, fallible human beings are not always happy no matter how faithful they are.  That has to be okay.

 

And, I’m happy to say, THANK HEAVEN FOR UNHAPPINESS.

 

Everyday Disciple- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

Unhappiness is what led me to search for what I was missing.  I was apparently missing something. Something had to be wrong, right?, because I was unhappy.  I smile as I write this knowing that many people probably see clearly what I could not.  And that is okay.  We are all at different points on the path.  And, I couldn’t see.  But I could feel that there was more, much, much more.  

 

And, I’m happy to report that–I was right!

 

]]> https://ldsblogs.com/35549/happily-ever-after/feed 1 The Fall https://ldsblogs.com/35551/the-fall https://ldsblogs.com/35551/the-fall#comments Thu, 02 Mar 2017 09:00:32 +0000 https://en.elds.org/ldsblogs-com/?p=35551 I grew up in a garden.  Like Adam and Eve had everything they needed with little effort, as a child, I did too.  My parents loved each other, loved the Lord and loved me.  I had food every day.  Even my voracious curiosity was fed.  It was a paradise.  

 

At home and at school, if you did what you were supposed to, you were rewarded.  Kind and responsible adults made sure to reinforce good choices with extra freedom or extra opportunities.  People who didn’t do their homework sat out at recess and had to do it.  Life seemed relatively fair.  What I didn’t realize was that this fairness was at least partially artificial.  I was protected and blessed by the adults and structures they created in my life.  The real world is not so clear and kind.

 

Adulting

 

At some point of painful growth, I think we all have to shed the benevolent exoskeleton of our childhood. We have to leave the garden and move out into the real world.  It is a fall, and the smack with reality hurts like a face plant into a brick wall.

 

If I am kind to people, they are not necessarily kind back.

If I give, I am not necessarily given back to in my time of need.

If I keep the commandments, I am not always happy.

 

And we run head first into painful realities that do not match up with our garden of origin.

 

I was just talking to a young adult who works at a gas station and is struggling to “pay the bills.”  I could see the struggle and pain in his eyes.  It was harder, much harder than he expected.

 

One of my daughters said to me, “Mom, I think “there is always room at the top” isn’t always true.  I think there are other places to be.”  Her high hopes are tempered by the pounding of reality.  It isn’t that we don’t aim high, it is that there are many definitions, in many contexts.  

 

It is amazing isn’t it, that all of us don’t curl up at these frightening times and just die with absolute consternation.  “This isn’t what I signed up for!” I usually feel like yelling.  I didn’t work this hard for this result.  But, I guess I did.  At many growth points when facing an unwelcome or unexpected reality I’ve suffered some type of depression.  

 

Everyday Disciple- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

An elder at church said today, “Failure is an option.”  

 

We fail and fall and fall and fail again, drowning under waves of incessant reality.  

 

There comes a time when we can no longer go on the way things are.  Something has to change.  

 

As difficult as it is, this is a time to celebrate.  It gives us the inertia to do something new and find something better.  

 

Loose Tooth

 

It began without me knowing why–

I only found a wiggle.

My baby tooth that was so firm–

had just begun to jiggle.

 

I pulled it here.  I pushed it there–

but it would not break free.

“Oh, fine,” I said.  “It just won’t go–

Well, that’s okay with me.”

 

“Ignore it.  Think of other things”

was my plan of sure success.

But twisting, wiggling, and bugging me so

I gave up in distress.

 

That stubborn tooth was at a loss,

though I really couldn’t see;

a better tooth was coming up

unbeknownst to me.

 

–dsh 1/08

]]> https://ldsblogs.com/35551/the-fall/feed 2 Surviving “Fails” https://ldsblogs.com/35699/surviving-fails https://ldsblogs.com/35699/surviving-fails#comments Sat, 04 Feb 2017 09:00:44 +0000 https://en.elds.org/ldsblogs-com/?p=35699 “Oh!” I hear my children yell.  “Augh!!” They holler.  I hear laughing with loud exclamations as I hurry to the family room to see what is going on.  They are watching “fails” on the internet and enjoying the death defying mistakes of others, some that make me hurt all over.  Somehow this has become entertainment?

 

Falls, bends that would break your back, dumb attempts at dumb behavior, some innocent crashes caught on tape all add up to a big, fame creating “fail.”

 

I hate failure

 

I study success, so it is amazing to me why anyone would want to study the opposite.  Why study failure? While watching a person jump off their roof into the pool borders on insane, understanding failures is an intricate process that can ultimately lead to our success.

 

Ever agonize over a bad grade?  What about a lost game? Losing a contest?  Not getting the goal? Wishing, stewing, and brooding over past failures can lead to discouragement, quitting, and more failure. Many in sports know that when you lose a game, you move on.  In a lot of ways it helps to let it go and start fresh on the next endeavor.  We hate even thinking about losing.  Attraction theory suggests that just thinking about losing can bring it to you, and we tend to notice and exaggerate what we focus on.  How could there be any advantage to studying failure?      

 

I love failure

 

I have been studying behavior change and helping people reach their goals for the last several months and I’m so excited to share with you the things I’ve learned.  One thing I learned is that I like failure.  I might have to remind myself why.

 

Beginners make mistakes.  No kidding.  It is hard to be a beginner.  So, if you are starting a new class, a new subject, a new skill, you have to expect to fail, or at least fall over and over again.  We all know Edison failed more than most people we know, and he ended up a huge success almost because of it. He was willing to try things that might not work.  He was willing to fail and try again.

 

Albert Einstein said, “It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.”  He was willing to not know, not understand, and keep trying to solve those problems.  So, success usually requires mistakes and endurance.  If we are too afraid to fail, we might not start or overcome the obstacles that are both essential to success.  

 

There is a thrill to trying new things, things you might fail at.  I read a personality survey that listed this type of courageous person as “thrill-seeking”.  I hated the negative portrayal, as if this type of trait were necessarily bad.  Might not it also be bad to never try something new?  Never begin something in case you couldn’t finish?  Because what if you succeed beautifully?  What if you do finish?  I don’t think a courageous person who tries new things is necessarily an immature teenager.

 

I watched a TED Talk that explained the learning curve.  It graphically showed that we learn the most at the beginning.  Advanced participants and learners are learning less content and skill, but that extra, specialized and detailed practice or learning is like the icing on the top.  It is the difference between average and success.  The cherry is the difference between professional quality and world class.  But the greatest amount of learning is at the beginning.  It is the cake.  So, if we are doing something hard that we mess up a lot, we can be assured, we are also in a position of great learning.  I love to learn, therefore, I love failure.

 

When to Compliment and When to Correct  

 

My husband and I have been in an ongoing debate our whole marriage about what is most helpful to our children:  encouragement and noticing the positive, or criticism and noticing what is lacking.  I think you can guess that I, the cheerleader, prefer noticing what is done right, compliments, and patience.  My husband, who is the programmer, sees the value in pointing out the “bugs” and correcting them.  Which is best?  

 

I was very excited to find out in my behavior specialist class that there is a best use for each.  Beginners make a lot of mistakes and will likely find themselves frustrated and less successful if they focus on their mistakes.  Beginners do best when they focus on and celebrate what they do right.  (Go Team!)  

 

Intermediate learners are most at risk to tire of the persistent effort it takes to succeed.  So, they need encouragement to not quit the daily or incremental process that will lead to success.  The goal in the middle is consistent, persistent effort.  (Go Team!)  

 

When someone is proficient, then is the time that they need criticism.  An advanced learner will not learn more from someone who is giving them a pat on the back.  They need helpful, specific, and detailed information about what they did wrong and how to correct it.  (Fix that bug.)  A criticized, advanced learner might even thank you for caring enough to teach them the finer points or nuances they can’t yet see. Confident learners are not likely to quit and are not likely to get discouraged by occasional failures in a sea of success.  They need kindly intended, expert criticism.

 

Are you too hard on yourself?  

 

Chances are that you started this year off with good intentions.  I spent a good part of the last month studying how to set the best goals and how to succeed at personal change.  I know that most people who start something new will quit before six or seven months is done.  So, it seems, there is a cliff looming somewhere in mid June.  

 

It might surprise you to know that perfectionism is the acid killer of good intentions with realistic actions. We tend to imagine more and better than is realistic for our stage of learning and the other responsibilities and obligations we already have.  I’ll tell you right now that we are not going to get all our goals perfectly and most certainly not on the first try.  

 

So, give yourself a little credit for being human.  It is okay to fail.  Not only can we be okay with it, we can hug it like a white blood cell encircles a germ and makes an antibody with it.  If you are a beginner, discouragement is the enemy.  Hug yourself and notice what you have done well.  If you are somewhere in the middle, inconsistency and skipping, quitting, or cheating on daily efforts is the enemy.  

 

Everyday Disciple- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

Expect obstacles and mistakes to continue.  The ongoing challenges and failures hold key clues about how to predict, compensate for, and avoid or overcome them.  And, when you finally become an expert, help another expert get even better.  They will most likely appreciate it.  

 

Failure is an opportunity for and maybe even a characteristic of learning.

Who is to say that quitting a goal is wrong?  

One of the most freeing things I’ve learned in my life is how to let something go.  

Only you will really know.

 

Namaste,

 

DarEll S. Hoskisson

 

]]> https://ldsblogs.com/35699/surviving-fails/feed 1 Everyday Disciple https://ldsblogs.com/35291/everyday-disciple https://ldsblogs.com/35291/everyday-disciple#comments Thu, 05 Jan 2017 09:00:21 +0000 https://en.elds.org/ldsblogs-com/?p=35291 I love freedom.  I love to feel free, like a child running with her hair and dress blowing back in the wind, arms open wide.  I want to embrace life, experience all it has to offer and learn all I can.  I push against my limits in long, pressing stretches.

 

But the life of a disciple does not look free.  I am busy.  I have responsibilities.  I’m busier than almost anyone I know.  Because I am a youth leader and a mother, I have wondered how my to do list (and never do list) might look to a child.  Why would someone voluntarily become a disciple?  Why would I, or anyone, willingly accept limits to my behavior and experience?  Why would we follow anyone other than ourselves, especially someone we never met?   Why would we take on more responsibility than necessary?  Why?

 

I see that:

philippines-visiting-teachers-1346801-galleryA disciple is both the freest person in all the world and the least free.  

 

I have not always understood that reality.  I feel so free as a follower of Christ that I could not understand why everyone was not flocking to discipleship.  I am so blessed, why wouldn’t everyone want to be so happy, safe, and confident?  

 

It isn’t that they don’t want those things.  Everyone wants to be happy, secure, and confident.  What is it then?

 

As a young adult, I attended my very first political debate.  I listened to both parties with rapt attention, proud to be part of it, but I left utterly confused.  I came home and called my dad.  I said, “Everyone wants to have health, happiness and prosperity.  Both candidates say they can deliver it best.  How will I ever know who to vote for?”

 

He wisely answered, “It isn’t what they want that is different, but rather how they plan to reach that result.” The confusion dropped away, and it became clear.  There are many, many candidates running for our vote with our lives, each promising health, happiness, well being and harmony.  How will we know which creeds to follow, or if we should just follow our own nose?  

 

“How” we propose to reach these desirable destinations or states of being is a journey, one that is unique to each individual but universal as well.  We are all headed there.  If we just knew where “there” was and how to get there, maybe life wouldn’t be so confusing.  This much freedom feels like a night without stars, no visible destination and no direction.  

 

Everyday Disciple- To read more of DarEll's articles, click here.

Everyday Disciple- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

We not only all need a path, we are all already on one.  The choice of life isn’t whether to live, but how. The question is not whether to take a direction, but whether to keep going in that same direction.  

 

This book is for people on the path of discipleship everyday or perhaps for those considering it.  What is it really like?  What are the endemic (predictable, inherent) problems and challenges to that path?  Why, and most useful perhaps, how can we stay on it?

 

This is my journey, and it is our journey, everyday.

]]> https://ldsblogs.com/35291/everyday-disciple/feed 2 Finding Joy https://ldsblogs.com/35232/finding-joy https://ldsblogs.com/35232/finding-joy#respond Fri, 16 Dec 2016 09:00:54 +0000 https://en.elds.org/ldsblogs-com/?p=35232 I have had everything I ever wanted several times in my life.  A good husband, children to love, and a safe home.  For years I worked to get these things worked out assuming that then, I’d constantly be happy.  I’m not sorry I invested in these relationships and necessities.  I’m thankful for them.  But, I was wrong to assume that happiness, at least surface happiness, could be a constant in my life.  I’m a very emotional person.  I experience and like to experience all that living has to offer.  Of course I would continue to feel the whole spectrum of emotion, and I do.

 

Fighting Feelings

 

The “pursuit of happiness” is part of the American dream.  We are free to seek and work for what we want, what we think will make us happy.  I seem to have no trouble going after what I want and making things happen.  For me, the greatest challenge has been figuring out how to get rid of all the things that make me unhappy.  How do I fight feelings that are less than happy?

 

boy-477013_640This morning I’m in pain and feel especially crabby.  Ever feel like you just want to crawl into bed for two more hours and start the whole day over again?  That is how I feel today.  A few years ago, I probably would have done just that.  There is part of myself that still wonders if that isn’t a super good idea.  As part of being authentic, I often act on my feelings.  I have listened to them in a way that was sometimes genuine but other times just plain immature.  I’ve been trying to figure out how to keep my childlike emotional exuberance without carrying along the silly storms of immaturity.  

 

Unending happiness is, I believe, a dream.  It is a dream I have to let die so that I don’t panic or think something is wrong just because I feel unhappy.  It is completely human to feel sad and negative feelings.  It has to be okay to be human.  Sometimes unhappy feelings give messages worth listening to about what we need to address or change.  But, sometimes a feeling is just a feeling.  Like bad weather, it isn’t a hopeless situation or one we need to fix.  Storms pass all on their own.  

 

Fleeing Commitments

 

In order to avoid conflicts, I have resisted commitment.  I want to be there for my children in an emergency.  There is nothing that feels worse to me than doing something that is less important to me than something else.  It is a moral dilemma, a war of values I try hard to avoid.  

 

When I finally was brave enough to commit to teaching a class for a three month trial period, the very first day I had to teach as the official instructor turned out to be the exact same time as the funeral of a family friend!  It was as if my worst fear had just materialized to prove what I believed, that I can’t be there for those I love with other commitments.  

 

But, it wasn’t true.  I got a sub for the class, and I was there for the funeral.  I have since realized how loving, connected people are going to have time conflicts because we love.  Moral dilemmas are an identifying problem for good, loving people.  We can’t be there for everyone at the same time, and that is okay.  It has to be.  

 

Finding Hidden Freedom

 

In our church we believe in being prepared.  Like Noah built the ark before the rains, we try to get ready for emergencies and have necessities on hand in case they should be needed.  I had no room in my new house for food storage, but in faith, I ordered it anyway having no idea beforehand what I would do with it.  

 

After it arrived, I put it in the girls’ room (which had three girls in it) and amazingly, they had more space afterwards than before.  This is still unexplainable to me, but I share it because it physically demonstrates what I believe is a true principle.

 

children-1639420_640When we make commitments that need to be made, what doesn’t look like it can possibly fit could fit even better.  It is counter-intuitive, and sounds crazy, but it’s true.  For example, now that I am teaching four days a week, I find it less stressful than when I was teaching one day a week.  It has become a normal part of the routine.  I am freer with more commitment.

 


When I observe my children, it is even easier to see this principle in action.  When my children are responsible, I trust them, and they have more freedom.  Freedom is inextricably tied to responsibility.  So, those among us who are the most responsible are both the most and the least free.  

 

We have the greatest freedom of choice and the least available time to make those choices in, because much of our time is already spoken for and people are counting on us.  However, with teamwork, we know we can get free when a true emergency arises.  That makes us free every moment: free to focus on what we are doing, and free to make changes at any time.  

 

Recognizing Joy

 

What is your definition of joy?  

 

Joy, to me, is underlying, foundational happiness no matter what the surface emotion. Joy comes from living a meaningful, loving, and free life full of commitments and responsibilities.  Joy comes from a perspective that sees the purpose and opportunity in challenge and distress.  Joy is impossible without gratitude because joy is finding all there is to appreciate about what is.

 

Enjoying

 

It is easy to enjoy a baby, especially if the baby is smiling or sleeping.  Our expectations are low, and the experience of observing the miracle of life is easy to appreciate.

 

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll's articles, click here.

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

I want to keep that same attitude of wonder, awe, and appreciation for things as they are, in all their variety.  I have to let myself let go of things as I think they ought to be, even within myself.  

 

The path of joy is full of work, emotion, struggle, and pain.

But, joy is also a constant, underlying satisfaction.  

It is knowing life is worth all its costs.  

 

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson

]]> https://ldsblogs.com/35232/finding-joy/feed 0 Critical Investments https://ldsblogs.com/32835/critical-investments https://ldsblogs.com/32835/critical-investments#respond Thu, 03 Nov 2016 08:00:03 +0000 http://en.elds.org/ldsblogs-com/?p=32835 Automatic transfers might be, in my opinion, one of the greatest financial inventions.  I love them because before I can get my hands on the money, part of it is tucked away for when I might really need it.  I love to save without feeling the pain of parting with the money.  Paying yourself first is a critical investment.

 

the-strategy-1080527_640I continue to learn and relearn how important time and order can be.  For example, if I waited to save what was left of my money, there wouldn’t be any to save.  If I wait to save for retirement until I can see it coming, I will have missed all those years of interest income. Like dirty dishes, some things are easier to deal with right away, before they get “dried on and more difficult.”

 

Critical Needs

 

Because I am a local leader in my church, I looked into opportunities in our community for group service. I also decided to make a personal investigation to discover what our community needs are.  I was really surprised to learn that the greatest needs (other than continuing financial support) are relational.  We need people who will commit to ongoing relationships with children and youth.  

 

Committing to an ongoing, dependable relationship with a child or teen is not showy.  It is a long-term investment without an immediate, visible result.  It isn’t easily accomplished in a big group project.  Some of the greatest needs are met one on one over time.

 

I was just reading an article by Bridgespan that said that the first five years of life are the most critical to the entire future of the child.  They are working to set up non-profit efforts to reach out to these children so young that they won’t even remember it.  Our little ones need us.  

 

Shallow Characters

 

When you are watching a movie, how do you know who the villain is?  Who is the hero?  If you notice, the villain is not always evil and bad, and the hero is not always good.  I differentiate them in two ways.  First, by the perspective the audience is allowed to see.  We can understand the good guy’s point of view and the reasons behind his or her actions.  

 

Second, the first several times we meet the character, whether they seem good or bad, sets their role. The artists carefully control our first impressions and perspective.  When we only get to know people on a superficial level, it is like characterizing them in a two hour show.  First impressions harden on like dirty dishes.  Without effort, we might never understand the “other’s” point of view.  

 

Why Invest in Relationships?

 

abraham-lincoln-716182_640As Abraham Lincoln said, “The best way to defeat an enemy is to make him your friend.”  It is easy to make an enemy if we have shallow relationships.  We don’t understand what others do or why they hurt us.  It feels personal and uncalled for.  We don’t really know them. That person is the enemy or the “other.”  

 

Notice how patient you can be with the character flaws of your best friends and family that you love.  We put up with so much!  Maybe too much at times.  This patience or being understanding of others is much easier when we understand where someone is coming from, what they struggle with, and what they are trying to accomplish.  It doesn’t even take a life long commitment or constant close contact to love a person.  But it does require that we take the time to actually get to know them.  

 

Why Hurry?

 

In general, relationships are most difficult in the beginning.  It takes effort and time.  But then it becomes a gift that keeps on giving.  When you are on the same team, it takes much less effort to maintain good feelings among friends.  Knowing our friends also means that we know and can call on their strengths.  A good friend is such a blessing.  The sooner we make a friend, the longer we can have that relationship.  

 

Strong relationships are built on small bricks of experience.  A moment to listen, offering to help, or allowing someone else to influence you, combine to form a bedrock foundation.  This foundation is tested in crisis.  Will you be there, on the team, or on the outside looking in?

 

I have a friend dying of cancer.  But, I can not be much comfort to her and her family.  I did not know her well enough before.  We don’t have the pathways of communication and comfort already in place.  I’m on the outside looking in–wishing I could help more.  Anything I do to show I care will, I’m sure, be appreciated, but it isn’t the same.  I’m not going through it with them.  

 

Foul weather friends

 

If you are already a close friend, those ties become more powerful in crisis.  You are in the trenches together.  You have a friend not in name only, but by your side through it all.  Foul weather friends are few and precious.  We all need people who will still be our friends during and after the devastations in our lives.

 

We also need mentors who believe in us and see our heroic potential through the inevitable trips and falls on our journey to becoming.  We need people who see us as the protagonist come what may.  Our experiences are not failures if someone can see them as the challenging adventures that always precede victories.  

 

Tomatoes of Gold

 

tomatoes-1671327_640I went to visit a friend recently.  I found out she was horribly sick.  I didn’t take her anything.  I had just stopped in to see if she was okay and let her know I cared.  When I left, I floated out.  She had lifted me and even sent me home with a plate of fresh tomatoes.  

 

I looked at the tomatoes and all they symbolized: our mutual feelings and the gift she is to me.  I held them in knowing amazement.  They were a physical, outward proof that we just can not give ourselves away without also ending up so blessed by the effort. Her friendship is a source of gold in my life.  

 

Just tomatoes

 

So often we don’t do little things because they seem so little.  What if I hadn’t stopped by because I had nothing physical to offer?  What if she hadn’t shared her tomatoes because they were “just” tomatoes? What we do and give are not as significant as what they mean.  I’m sure she can not know how meaningful her giving to me in her time of need meant to me.  It was like receiving the widow’s mite. These small things are critical investments with miraculous dividends.

 

Never think you have nothing to give.  The roles of friendship are not so clearly defined.  You can not give without receiving. You can not receive without giving.  Positive relationships are synergistic, projecting benefit to all in connection.  Just being happy has been proven to have a measurable, positive effect on the happiness of your friend’s friends.

 

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll's articles, click here.

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

I hope you will take the time now to invest yourself

And share your “tomatoes.”

I know of no better way to become truly rich.

May your life be full and overflowing with such treasures.  

 

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson

]]> https://ldsblogs.com/32835/critical-investments/feed 0