Bearing One Another’s Burden
Adversity is the refiner’s fire that bends iron but tempers steel. (President James E. Faust, Ensign February 1988, “The Blessings of Adversity”)
These past several weeks have been very challenging ones for our family. For awhile, it felt as if we came through one trial, only to be thrown into the midst of another. The latest and the most devastating to date was the sudden and unexpected death of a dear brother-in-law just two weeks ago.
My brother-in-law was only in his late thirties when he died, still so young and so full of life. My sister and brother-in-law have only been married for four short years. They used to joke that it took them a long to find each other. Like many of us, they were very much in love and looking forward to spending their lives together.
It is understandable that my sister is devastated and is struggling to be strong. She’s been dealt a blow that only those who’ve felt the sting of such a great loss can understand. She is grieving so deeply it is painful for us to witness it because we all feel so helpless.
There are two things that give my sister the strength to get up every day.
First, she has immense faith in our Lord and Savior. She understands His plan of Salvation. She knows that one day she will be reunited with her “eternal flame” (as they referred to each other) for they are bound together for time and eternity.
Second, she has an incredible army of friends and loved ones that have rallied around her. She’s felt the comforting arms of friends and family reaching out to her from around the world. It’s quite an incredible and uplifting experience to see just how caring and wonderful her friends are towards her. Some of the most touching expressions of love and support came from people she taught and baptized when she served a full time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints over 16 years ago.
Reflecting on this experience, I’m reminded of the prophet Alma’s words to his people when he taught them what it truly means to be a disciple of Christ.
And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life— (Mosiah 18:8-9).
Death and dying is part of the cycle of life. We all know and understand this. However, knowing and understanding doesn’t make the passing of a loved one any easier or any less painful. For most of us, the separation that comes with death, will be one of the greatest adversities we’ll have to face in this life.
How fortunate we are that when such times come, we have true disciples of Christ all around us who will run to our side to help bear our burdens so that we don’t have to carry them alone. How lucky we are that when those times come, we have friends and loved ones who will mourn with us, who will comfort us in our time of need.
As her older sister, I’m so grateful to know that my sister is surrounded by loving friends. I’m grateful that my sister is the strong daughter of God that she is. I know that this experience, as devastating as it is, may bend her for a time, but it will not break her.
I’m thankful that we have the gospel of Jesus Christ as taught in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Knowing that families are forever, that her marriage is eternal, is a great blessing and comfort to my sister today and in the many days ahead.
Thy Sister’s Keeper
Filed under: Adversity, Every Day Adversity, Family & Friendships, Mind & Body, The Adversary
Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful.
The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process. (President James E. Faust)
Adversity is a given in life. We will all experience it. It is for this very reason that we are here in this mortal journey – to prove ourselves through our trials and tribulations. During times of adversity, some choose to abandon faith in the Lord. Others choose to remain steadfast and true. They choose to hold fast to their faith and continue to serve the Lord and their fellowmen.
Service is a big part of being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We may be asked to teach Sunday school, conduct music, teach small children, lead the congregation, teach early morning Seminary, help with the Sunday bulletin, or be a visiting teacher. It really doesn’t matter where in the Church we’re asked to serve. What matters is that we serve to the best of our abilities. What matters is that we use the talents the Lord has blessed us with to serve Him and our fellowmen in whatever capacity we’re asked to serve.
I’ve seen and felt the hand of adversity this year. I’ve also witnessed an outpouring of blessings through the selfless service of others.
Yesterday, I was released as the Relief Society (women’s organization of the Church) president in our ward (local Church unit). This basically means that as of yesterday, I’m no longer the Relief Society president for our ward. A release from a calling in the Church usually comes about when one is being called to serve somewhere else, is moving out of the ward, when personal or family circumstances change, or it might simply be time to give someone else an opportunity to serve in that position. We’re moving back to the West Coast in a week!
As the Relief Society president, I came to love each of the women in the ward. However, there is a special place in my heart for those sisters who experienced great adversity over the past year. Some sisters have serious health related challenges. Others are struggling financially. There are problems in marriages and other family relationships. The list goes on. Each is dealing with trials and adversity in her own way. With faith in the Lord and with help from her sisters in the Relief Society, each sister continues to move forward, one step at a time.
Sometimes, serving and helping someone else does require a lot from us, but I’ve found that these times are very rare. Most times, it’s the small and sincere acts of love that go a long way in easing someone else’s load. Often times, it doesn’t cost us anything except an hour or two of our time. At times, a smile, a kind word, a true friend, is all that is needed. Someone who will listen and not judge. Someone who understands, who cares, who looks past the shortcomings to the person inside. Someone who is willing to share another’s burden, even if it is just for a few minutes.
Alma, a prophet of the Book of Mormon taught us that to become true disciples of Jesus Christ, we must be willing to bear one another’s burden.
And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life. (Mosiah 18:8-9)
A wonderful thing happens when we strive to serve and help others during their trials – we forget to dwell on our challenges. Our problems may not disappear completely but somehow our perspective changes. What once seemed insurmountable is not quite so overwhelming. We stop feeling sorry for ourselves.
I’m filled with gratitude for the examples of these sisters. Despite personal trials, these sisters chose to serve and help someone else. They remind me on a constant basis that each of us is our sister’s keeper. We are indeed our brothers’ keepers!
Selfless service is a wonderful antidote to the ills that flow from the worldwide epidemic of self-indulgence. Some grow bitter or anxious when it seems that not enough attention is being paid to them, when their lives would be so enriched if only they paid more attention to the needs of others.
The answer lies in helping to solve the problems of those around us rather than worrying about our own, living to lift burdens even when we ourselves feel weighed down, putting our shoulder to the wheel instead of complaining that the wagons of life seem to be passing us by.
Stretching our souls in service helps us to rise above our cares, concerns, and challenges. As we focus our energies on lifting the burdens of others, something miraculous happens. Our own burdens diminish. We become happier. There is more substance to our lives.
(Elder David S. Baxter of the Seventy).
Is It Time To Give Up?
I was visiting with two wonderful friends a couple of nights ago. Eventually, our conversation turned to our children and our families. We discussed our dreams and hopes for them. One friend fretted over a teenager who has chosen to drop out of high school to follow some friends. She feels that nothing she says to him is going to make a difference. She’s worried that he’s made even worse choices. My other friend doesn’t have children of her own yet but she is deeply saddened by the path her younger siblings have chosen thus far. We shared regrets over missed opportunities with our children and loved ones – things that we did that we shouldn’t have done as well as things that we didn’t do that we should have done.
We all have someone in our lives that we worry and pray about from time to time, if not all the time. We despair over a wayward child who disregards all the values and beliefs that we hold dear. We hurt when a sibling appears to go out of their way to ruin their lives. Our hearts cry out for family members or dear friends that have succumbed to addiction of any form.
What can we do? Is there anything more that we can do? If you’re like just about everyone I know, you’ve already tried everything. You’ve talked to them, counseled with them, reasoned with them, and prayed and fasted for them. You’ve cried, you’ve begged, you’ve threatened, and cried some more. You’ve sought help from within the family and from without. Perhaps, you’ve even tried bribery. You’ve tried it all, everything and anything!
Is it time to give up? No! Never, ever give up!
We still have love. We still have hope. No matter how dark and desperate things may seem, we always have hope, always. A portion of the 13th Article of Faith of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints reads, “We follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things.” When all else has failed, hang on to hope. Hold on to hope because we really don’t know how things will turn out. They may have a change of heart tomorrow, or next month, or next year. Perhaps, a change of heart may never come. But we just don’t know that. So, we keep that hope burning bright even if no one else does.
Elder John K. Carmack of the Quorum of the Seventy offered this counsel to parents but it can apply to anyone with a loved one in this situation:
Despite our best efforts to raise children who love the Lord, follow His commandments, and live happy, productive, and healthy lives, our sons and daughters sometimes go astray. Straying can mean involvement in drug abuse, criminal activity, immorality, and even abuse of parents and others. Other forms of drifting, perhaps less serious but nevertheless troubling, include underachieving, dropping out of school, and finding little purpose or happiness in life…
Never Give Up. If you cannot seem to reach your daughter or son now, you can at least keep trying and keep loving him or her, for the very will to reach out, nurture, and extend help to another is an act of love that does not always go unnoticed.
The adversary is cunning. He is everywhere. He is known by many names; Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer, the Destroyer, the Deceiver, and the Evil One to name a few. He exists to bring about misery but he cloaks and disguises it so well that he sometimes manages to fool and attract our loved ones. He revels in destroying anything that is good and honorable. He degrades and demoralizes.
Don’t give him any more power than he has already taken. If he has triumphed over a loved one, fight back. Don’t give him the satisfaction of winning everything, even if the only thing you have left is Hope. Don’t quit on your loved ones. Don’t let the adversary have that pleasure. Never, ever give up. When it comes to our loved ones, there is no “right” time to give up!
When They Fall
Filed under: Adversity, Family & Friendships, The Adversary
Mistakes! We’ve all made them. Some mistakes are easily corrected, others can take quite a lot of time and effort to fix. I’ve made my share of mistakes. I will probably make a few more before my time on this earth is through. Big or small, I can honestly say that I’ve learned from my mistakes. They’ve made me a better person, a better mother and wife. My mistakes and my journey to overcome those mistakes are as much a part of me as any other attribute that makes me – me.
But what happens when our children make mistakes? Are we as patient or as understanding? Do we forgive? Do we look at it as an opportunity for them to grow, or do we only see the looks that we imagine our neighbors and friends are giving us? Do we view it as a reflection of our abilities (or lack thereof) as parents? Are we somehow threatened by our children’s mistakes because of the way it might make us look?
One of the hardest things a parent has to do is watch their children make mistakes. It is hard to stand by and watch your child make bad choices. It’s even harder to watch them suffer the consequences of those poor choices.
As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are taught that each of us is given the gift of agency. Agency is the ability and privilege God gives us to choose and to act for ourselves. Our Heavenly Father loves us so much that he allowed us to choose.
And now remember, remember, my brethren, that whosoever perisheth, perisheth unto himself; and whosoever doeth iniquity, doeth it unto himself; for behold, ye are free; ye are permitted to act for yourselves; for behold, God hath given unto you a knowledge and he hath made you free.
He hath given unto you that ye might know good from evil, and he hath given unto you that ye might choose life or death; and ye can do good and be restored unto that which is good, or have that which is good restored unto you; or ye can do evil, and have that which is evil restored unto you. (Helaman 14:30-31)
He will not force us to obey Him and follow His will. Instead, He gave us the freedom to choose for ourselves. Knowing the pain I feel when I watch my children make mistakes, I can imagine how much more our Heavenly Father hurts when we make mistakes. Yet, as a loving Heavenly Father, His way is not to force, but to guide, to forgive, and to give us chances over and over again.
Can we do any less for our own children? Yes, we’d rather they didn’t make some of the mistakes they made. Yes, we wish they had made smarter, better, worthier choices than they made. Yes, we hurt, we’re disappointed, sometimes we’re even angry. But now is not the time for “I told you so” speeches. Now is the time for love, an outpouring of unconditional love.
As a mother, I need to trust that I’ve raised my sons the best way I know how. I need to remember that I’ve taught them the word of God. I need to remember that I’ve tried in every way I know how, to instill in them a love for everything that is good, virtuous, and praiseworthy. Then, I need to stand back and allow them to exercise their agencies. I will always guide, counsel, and advise, but in the end, it is up to them. I need to acknowledge that they too will make their share of mistakes. When (not if) they fall, I will be there to help them pick up the pieces. When they fall, I will be there to help them find their way back. When they fall, I will forgive them.
President Howard W. Hunter, 14th President of the Church, taught:
To fully understand this gift of agency and its inestimable worth, it is imperative that we understand that God’s chief way of acting is by persuasion and patience and long-suffering, not by coercion and stark confrontation. He acts by gentle solicitation and by sweet enticement. He always acts with unfailing respect for the freedom and independence that we possess. He wants to help us and pleads for the chance to assist us, but he will not do so in violation of our agency. He loves us too much to do that, and doing so would run counter to his divine character.
Given the freedom to choose, we may, in fact, make wrong choices, bad choices, hurtful choices. And sometimes we do just that, but that is where the mission and mercy of Jesus Christ comes into full force and glory. He has taken upon himself the burden of all the world’s risk. He has provided a mediating atonement for the wrong choices we make. He is our advocate with the Father and has paid, in advance, for the faults and foolishness we often see in the exercise of our freedom. We must accept his gift, repent of those mistakes, and follow his commandments in order to take full advantage of this redemption. The offer is always there; the way is always open. We can always, even in our darkest hour and most disastrous errors, look to the Son of God and live.
Don’t you just love that? There aren’t enough words to express how grateful I am for the gift of the Atonement.
I’m thankful for a loving Heavenly Father and for His gift of Agency. The knowledge that He trusts me so much that He allows me to choose gives me the courage to pick myself up when I’ve made mistakes. I’m so grateful for a Church that teaches us about the wonderful principle of Agency. I’m thankful because I know that this gift is available to my children as well. It is available to all of us.
This, and other teachings of the Church, gives me eternal hope. I have hope that, whatever mistakes my sons may make, they will make it right. I have hope that when they do mistakes, they will remember that their Heavenly Father will forgive them if they sincerely repent of those mistakes. I have hope that when they fall, they will pick themselves up and try again. I have hope that when they fall, they will learn and grow and become better men because they corrected and overcame their mistakes.
The Words We Speak and Write
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”
Remember this nursery rhyme? Does anyone out there really believe that words can’t hurt us? Words do hurt! Words can leave wounds and scars that linger long after broken bones are healed. Words can maim for life!
I’d never heard about American Idol, let alone watch it, until March of this year. Well, the big American Idol finale was last night. Two very talented singers went head to head. From all appearances, the two were both worthy of the title. Both are extremely gifted singers. Both appear to be humble young men from families that love them very much. Last night, one very deserving young man was crowned the victor. The other, just as deserving and just as talented, is rightly proud of the fact that he gave it his all and did his best.
It’s been interesting to watch the frenzy that surrounded this show, especially on the Internet. Actually, I don’t think “interesting” is quite the word I want. I believe the one I want is “disheartening.” That’s the one that comes the closest to describing how I feel. I found it absolutely disheartening to read some of the unkind things that were written about the contestants, especially the young “Mormon kid” from Utah. It was especially disheartening to realize that some of the meanest things written about him were written not by teenagers but by adults.
As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we know that each of us will experience adversity in our lives.
Adversity comes from different sources…Adversity may sometimes come because of others’ poor choices and hurtful words and actions. (True to the Faith pg 8-11)
Negativity in the media is nothing new. We’ve dealt with it on a large scale ever since television became a common household item. However, the anonymity afforded by the Internet seems to have given rise to a whole new level of mean-spiritedness in our society.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said:
…Negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking, including negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak—or at least think—critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long we and everybody around us are miserable.
This post is really not about American Idol. It’s about how we view and treat each other. It’s about what we say about each other and how we say it. It’s about showing a little more kindness and compassion with the words that we speak and write. It’s about doing unto others as we would have them do unto us. (Mathew 7:12)
As a parent, I know how crucial my words are to my children. The right words can lift and motivate while the wrong words can destroy. I have no doubt that my words affect my children whether they’re 8 years old or 19 years old. Because I know this, I’m very careful with my words especially when I’m angry or upset.
Should I be any less careful with what I say to or about other people’s children? Of course not! Should I be any less considerate of what I say about anyone else? Absolutely not!
Does this mean that we can’t criticize or correct? Of course not. Does this mean that we will like everyone that we’ll come across? Of course not. Does this mean that we’ll all be in agreement on every issue and matter that arises? Of course not. BUT we can disagree without being mean. We can correct with love. We can even vote, praise, and cheer for our favorite American Idol without belittling the talent and character of the other.
Elder Holland continued:
Our words, like our deeds, should be filled with faith and hope and charity, the three great Christian imperatives so desperately needed in the world today. With such words, spoken under the influence of the Spirit, tears can be dried, hearts can be healed, lives can be elevated, hope can return, confidence can prevail.
There is a hymn that we sing in Church that I hum to myself when I find myself being less than charitable in my words. The first line reads, “Let us oft speak kind words to each other, At home or wherever we may be.” Friends, there is enough meanness and hate in the world. Let us try to be a little more considerate of each other. Let us try and speak kind words, not only within our homes but in our neighborhoods and communities and yes, even on the Internet.
A Silver Lining
It’s been raining here all day. Rain, rain, rain! So much for our plans for the day. Now, we have to postpone them for tomorrow which means tomorrow’s agenda has to be pushed off for another day. Ordinarily, postponing tasks for another day isn’t such a big deal but we are moving in a couple of weeks. We need to get our stuff packed, shampoo the carpets, clean the windows, paint a couple of walls, and so on. In short, we’ve got a ton of stuff to do and could have used a nice sunny day. Instead, we got rain, lots and lots of rain!
Have you ever had days like that? Sometimes, does it feel as if things, events, and even people are conspiring to make your life miserable, or at the very least, harder than it should be? Well, I sure felt that way today. Fortunately, that didn’t last very long. Today was supposed to be ‘cleaning the windows’ day. It was one of the rare days when the older boys were both available to help with the tall windows so it was a perfect plan. Or so I thought! Apparently, we were meant to do something else today. Something more important. Something that we will all treasure for a very long time.
We didn’t clean windows. We made memories instead. One of the boys came up with the idea. He thought it would be neat if they made a recording of their favorite times with their dad. They wanted to present this to their dad when he deploys in a few weeks. We all agreed that it was a wonderful gift and one that my husband will undoubtedly cherish and love. My husband is out of town for work so it was a perfect day to do it.
At first, the boys were a little awkward but then they got into the spirit of the project. It was amazing how much they remembered. The two oldest at 19 and 16 talked about experiences they shared with their dad when they were as young as 7 and 8. There were many intimate and special moments shared today. It was quite an emotional day for all of us. Tears were shed, and words of love and appreciation were expressed. In the end, we were all blessed just as surely as my husband will be blessed when he listens to these messages in the days to come. Reliving those memories helped us all to remember how important our family is. It brought us closer and strengthened our bond as a family that much more.
What started out as a bleak and rainy day turned into the brightest and most beautiful day for my family. Sure, we still have to wash windows. We lost a day so that probably means extra work but I’d gladly trade a day of washing windows for a day like today if given that opportunity again. What’s an extra hour or two of washing windows if we can have that kind of time with our kids? It reminds me of that commercial on TV. I don’t remember all of it exactly but if our experience today was part of that commercial it would conclude with something like this: “Quality time with the kids – priceless!”
After today, I will try hard to always look for the silver lining in all of my days. Likewise, I will strive to remember that even in the midst of my trials, there is always a silver lining. I know that this knowledge and my faith in the Lord will sustain me in the days to come. Things may not always go as we plan or want but if we trust in the Lord and listen to the promptings of the Spirit, it will all work out. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught:
Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek. He does love you, and He knows your fears. He hears your prayers. He is your Heavenly Father, and surely He matches with His own the tears His children shed.
Do You ChaCha?
Filed under: Internet, Technology and the LDS Home, The Internet for the LDS Teen
No, not that Cha-Cha!
Information is my business so I’m very wary of information that comes from unverifiable sources. I view it with the kind of suspicion reserved for “Get Rich Quick” and “Lose 30 pounds in 3 weeks” schemes. As an information seeker, I need to know where the information is coming from and who it is coming from. Helping others locate elusive information is a huge thrill for me. Sometimes the information needed is seemingly insignificant or of a sentimental value only. Other times, the information requested will have a major impact in the decisions people make. Whatever the reasons, I work hard to ensure that the information I provide is accurate, reliable, and valid. My sister-in-law told me the other day that I was her favorite search engine. She made my day!
Speaking of search engines, I tried a new one recently. You guessed it – it is called ChaCha. I know, I know, old news already! Be that as it may, I finally decided to try it. In case, you’re even slower jumping on the bandwagon than I am, ChaCha is basically a text-message search engine. That’s right – it’s for your cellphone, not your PC. Did you get the part about a text-message search engine? You heard right. So if you don’t speak text, you and I are probably better off sticking with Google.
ChaCha is proud of the fact that questions are answered by actual human beings rather than an automated service. Some questions can be answered in under a minute. Others can take longer than 10 minutes. You simply type the text of your question in either plain English or text lingo if you speak the language, and send it on its merry way to 242242 (ChaCha). As I was saying I was curious about this service so I decided to test it.
I sent in 4 different questions. I chose questions that I considered to be of varying difficulty levels. Three of the questions were answered within a minute. Of the three answers, two were correct and one was incorrect. The last question, the one that I expected would take the longest, was answered in just under 20 minutes. Surprisingly, the answer was correct – incomplete but correct.
My biggest reservation about ChaCha is that I’ve no idea who is answering my questions. The questions I sent weren’t critical to me as I already knew the answers. But what if I didn’t know the answer? What if I had a real question and the answer to that question would determine something important? Would I still go with ChaCha? Probably not! But this doesn’t mean that ChaCha isn’t useful. From what I’ve seen, ChaCha is great and there is certainly a place for such a service. However, for the important things, I need to know that my source is credible and reliable and in order to know that, I need to know who my source is.
When it comes to spiritual questions, isn’t it great to know that there is a reliable source that we can go to? There is no greater testifier of truth than the Spirit. When it comes to questions about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we can ask friends, read literature from a variety of sources, and search for information online. We can do all these things and gain a picture of what the Church believes and teaches but to have a real testimony of the truth, we need to go to the source of all truth – our Heavenly Father and His son and our Savior, Jesus Christ. When we pray in faith to our Heavenly Father, having a sincere desire to know, He will answer. When we receive this witness of the Spirit, we can be assured that this source is one that we can trust with our hearts, minds, and souls!
Choose Not To Take Offense
We had the most wonderful surprise yesterday. Yesterday, a dear man chose to come worship with us.
I watched as this brother was embraced and welcomed. One by one, people came over and spoke with him. From where I was sitting, it looked as if expressions of brotherly love were given and received on both sides. The miracle of this event is that this brother had withdrawn from our fellowship a few years ago. He had taken offense over some small matter and would not forgive even when apologies were extended his way. Yesterday, all that appeared forgotten and forgiven. There was only joy!
I’m sure that most of us have taken offense at one point or another in our lives. Justified or not, taking offense can sometimes lead to decisions that hurt us far more than the original words or actions that caused us to be offended in the first place. Often times, when we don’t or can’t forgive these offenses, we end up with years of sorrow and regret.
One of my dearest friends shared her story with me. She was the oldest daughter so she felt like a second mother to her younger siblings. As can happen with siblings, disagreements over trivial and unimportant things are sometimes blown out of proportion. This is exactly what happened between my friend and a younger sister. Things came to a head, bitter words were exchanged, and the sisters walked away angry and unforgiving.
For over a year, my friend and her sister didn’t speak. They avoided family gatherings altogether if the other sister was going to be there. My friend was deeply offended at the apparent disrespect her younger sister had shown her. She expected her younger sister to be the first to apologize. She felt that she was due this much since she was the oldest.
Apparently, the younger sister had a similar reaction. She felt that her older sister had offended her and that she needed an apology. She felt that the older sister should be the one to make the first move since she was the oldest.
My friend remembers this time as the longest and saddest year of her life. They were normally very close and shared a special bond even though they each had their own families by then. It was around Christmas time that year when my friend finally had the courage and humility to go to her sister and ask her for her forgiveness. She recalls that she had barely started apologizing when her sister broke down and embraced her and begged her forgiveness as well.
Both sisters could barely even remember what was so important about the original argument. They had missed out on so much over that year. In that one year, one sister had a son that got married, and the other sister had a daughter that graduated from high school. Choosing to take offense over an insignificant matter consumed their lives for one year, and they paid for it dearly.
Leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (informally known as the Mormon religion) have counseled us time and again about taking offense. President Thomas S. Monson, 16th President of the Church, cautioned:
Sometimes we can take offense so easily. On other occasions we are too stubborn to accept a sincere apology. Who will subordinate ego, pride, and hurt — then step forward with “I am truly sorry! Let’s be as we once were: friends. Let’s not pass to future generations the grievances, the anger of our time”?
Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles asked us to choose not to take offense:
When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.
In the grand division of all of God’s creations, there are things to act and things to be acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:13–14). As sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father, we have been blessed with the gift of moral agency, the capacity for independent action and choice. Endowed with agency, you and I are agents, and we primarily are to act and not just be acted upon. To believe that someone or something can make us feel offended, angry, hurt, or bitter diminishes our moral agency and transforms us into objects to be acted upon. As agents, however, you and I have the power to act and to choose how we will respond to an offensive or hurtful situation.
You and I cannot control the intentions or behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will act. Please remember that you and I are agents endowed with moral agency, and we can choose not to be offended.
My friend was lucky. She and her sister had time to reconcile and be friends and true sisters again. Others have not been so lucky. Some have passed on before taking advantage of the opportunity to forgive and be forgiven. For every happy ending, there is a sad one. For every sister or brother that chooses to forgive the offense, there is one that refuses to accept an apology.
I know what it feels like to be offended. There were even times when I’ve felt justified in my indignation. I’ve felt the burden of this weight on my shoulders when I’ve chosen to hang on to such feelings. On the other hand, I’ve also felt the blessed peace that comes when I chose to forgive the offense. Without fail, the load of anger and bitterness I’ve carried around is immediately lifted and taken away from me.
I hope that the next time I’m confronted with a potentially offensive situation I will remember two things: 1) I can choose not to be offended, and 2) I can choose to forgive and ask for forgiveness.
A Sure Compass and Guide
Do you dread going to a large shopping mall because you can’t quite get your bearings in that monster of a maze – the parking lot? Have you ever gone to visit someone in a large hospital and felt
embarrassed about not knowing which hallway takes you back to the elevator? Have you ever felt a sense of panic after making one wrong turn after another? Have you ever called your husband to guide you home?
If you answered yes, then you know exactly how frightening, frustrating, and terribly embarrassing these situations can be. According to one estimate, about 25-50 million Americans consider themselves “directionally-challenged.” I didn’t realize there were that many but I’m relieved to know that I’m not so strange. You see, I’m one of those 25-50 million Americans. I get hopelessly lost when I’m in an unfamiliar territory! If you hate feeling helpless and dependent as much as I do then you see what a predicament this can be.
Another directionally-challenged writer began a humorous article on her condition with this sentence; “There are some people who are so bad with directions, they couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag.” (Peggy J. Parks) A slight exaggeration perhaps but I completely understand where she’s coming from.
So why am I writing about this today? Well, new technology has made the lives of people like me a lot easier, and we acquired this technology recently. I’m talking of course about a GPS (Global Positioning System) car navigation system. I can almost draw a line and say this was my life before GPS, and here is my life after GPS.
Before GPS, I’d gotten to the point where I’d trained my children to help me remember turns, landmarks, and street names so that we can find our way back home. When MapQuest came out, I made sure that I printed out directions both there and back, and assigned one of the kids to read the directions as we went. Before GPS, I hated to drive anywhere new or unfamiliar without my husband. Before GPS, I was a nervous wreck when I had to drive anywhere outside of my comfort zone. In fact, I avoided these kinds of trips and assignments as much as possible.
Today, I no longer feel this fear. Thanks to advanced technology like the GPS car navigation system, I no longer avoid tasks that requires me to drive to an unfamiliar neighborhood or town. Now, I just have to wait for a mobile system that can help me navigate shopping malls and hospital floors, but I can always ask a kind-looking person or even wake up a resting patient. I’d much rather have something that can help me get home.
I have another guide that helps me to get Home. This guide, a “spiritual GPS” if you will, is the Holy Ghost. Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints receive the gift of the Holy Ghost after we are baptized. The gift of the Holy Ghost is a constant and sure guide unlike any other. It is with us always as long as we keep God’s commandments.
What or who is the Holy Ghost? We believe that the Holy Ghost is the third member of the Godhead, and that He is a personage of Spirit. We believe that the Godhead consists of three separate beings that are one in purpose; God, the Eternal Father, His son, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost has many roles. He comforts, testifies, instructs, witness, and guides.
President James E. Faust, who served as the Second Counselor in the First Presidency of the Church until his death in 2007, referred to the gift of the Holy Ghost as a “sure compass.”
The gift of the Holy Ghost is available as a sure guide, as the voice of conscience, and as a moral compass. This guiding compass is personal to each of us. It is unerring. It is unfailing. However, we must listen to it in order to steer clear of the shoals which will cause our lives to sink into unhappiness and self-doubt.
We need a sure compass because many of the standards, values, vows, and obligations which have helped us preserve our spirituality, our honor, our integrity, our worth, and our decency have little by little been assaulted and discarded.
This sure compass, the gift of the Holy Ghost is a very real force in my life. I’ve felt the burning witness of the Holy Ghost at various times in my life during my studies of the Scriptures and of the Church. I’ve felt the comforting warmth of this gift in times of sorrow. I’ve felt the insistent prompting of the Holy Ghost telling me that I should leave a certain place at once. And yes, there were many times when this precious gift guided me to a decision that I needed to make or a place that I needed to be. It has guided me in the direction that I’ve taken with my life.
Today, I am thankful for guides and compasses that help us get to where we need to go. I’m grateful for guides and tools that help us to get home. I’m eternally grateful for the gift of the Holy Ghost, the sure compass and guide to help us get back Home to our Heavenly Father.
Home! Isn’t that a beautiful word? Isn’t it wonderful that we can all go back Home? Isn’t it amazing that we have a guide that can helps us get back Home?
Blessings of the Relief Society
The influence of the Relief Society in my life is unmistakable. The Relief Society is the women’s organization of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or the Mormon faith as it is sometimes known. Today, I’d like to share a few things that the women of the Relief Society have taught me. These lessons continue to bless my life and that of my husband and children.
Lessons on Faith.
Women of the Relief Society are extraordinary women of faith. I’ve heard the women of the Relief Society described as extraordinary women. Not perfect, but extraordinary! I like that description. Let me rephrase that – I love that description. The history of the Relief Society is a testament to the incredible faith of the women of the Church.
Last year, our family got to spend a couple of days in Nauvoo. There is a special feeling of peace and tranquility about Nauvoo. There is something about Nauvoo that touches the heart and soul.
During our last evening there, all five of us, my husband and I and our three sons, walked the Trail of Tears or the Trail of Hope as it has been renamed. We followed it all the way down to the banks of the Mississippi River. This was the same path that the Saints of Nauvoo walked during those last days when they had to leave Nauvoo to make yet another start somewhere else. We know that eventually some of them arrived in Salt Lake City. We also know that many that left Nauvoo perished along the way.
As we walked, I saw in my mind’s eye the hundreds of mothers that walked down that road in those days. I could almost feel the fear they must have felt. I imagined the many concerns they must have known as they loaded those wagons with the few belongings that they were able to take with them. Their minds must have been swirling with so many unanswered questions; “What if my child gets sick, what will we eat when the small supply we have runs out, where will we live?”
In my mother heart, I know these mothers must have been frightened and scared for their families. I’m sure they shed tears, buckets and buckets of tears. Yet, even with all their fears and weaknesses, their faith in the Lord was stronger. Even with the regret they must have felt at leaving yet another home, they walked, step by agonizing step, because that was what their Lord required of them. These were ordinary women with very real concerns and weaknesses. Yet, their faith and obedience to the Lord makes them extraordinary women in my eyes. My faith is strengthened when I remember these sisters of the Relief Society.
Lessons on Motherhood
Sis. Sheri Dew, former counselor in the Relief Society general presidency asked, “Are we not all mothers?’’ Sis. Dew reminded all of us, whether we’ve conceived and borne children or not, that we are all mothers. She said,
As daughters of our Heavenly Father, and as daughters of Eve, we are all mothers and we have always been mothers. And we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation. How will our young women learn to live as women of God unless they see what women of God look like, meaning what we wear, watch, and read; how we fill our time and our minds; how we face temptation and uncertainty; where we find true joy; and why modesty and femininity are hallmarks of righteous women? How will our young men learn to value women of God if we don’t show them the virtue of our virtues?
My mother is my greatest role model when it comes to motherhood. But there were many other mother figures in my life, women of the Relief Society who also taught me through their examples and love.
Much of my young life was spent in the small village of Vaiola on the island of Savaii in Samoa. This village, Vaiola, is one of three places that were settled by members of the Church in Samoa. Growing up in a small village on a tropical island was ideal in many respects. As children, the whole village was our playground. We could go anywhere in the village and know that we were safe. We were watched over and fed by other village families as if we were one of their own. Meals usually weren’t much and they were never fancy but we were always welcomed to whatever was available. As ideal as this life sounds, it also had many hardships. People lived pretty much off the land which meant they raised and grew everything they needed. Roads were unpaved, and electricity had yet to come to that part of the island. Washing machines, dryers, and electric irons were luxuries that many villagers had heard about, but had never seen. At least, not then.
As a young girl, I observed the women of Vaiola on Saturdays, hand-washing piles and piles of clothes. Next, the clothes would be hung up to dry. Finally, those that would be worn to Church the next day were separated and ironed. Now when I say ironed, most of us think about the electric iron we have sitting in the closet. This was not the iron the women of Vaiola used in those days. Instead, they used the precursor to the electric iron – the coal iron. First, the charcoal had to be lit until it was red hot, then the charcoal was carefully loaded into the iron and finally, the ironing could begin. One had to work quickly before the charcoal burnt out completely.
So what lessons about motherhood did I learn from these mothers? Other than being grateful for electric irons, what else did these women teach me about motherhood? They taught me that the care that we take in our dress and appearance is an outward expression of the respect and love for the Lord. Their preparations for the Sabbath left a lasting impression on me. I’m sure they’d rather have taken it easy on Saturdays. Instead, they washed, ironed, and made sure our clothing was not only modest but neat. Their preparations on Saturday left no doubt in my mind that Sunday was special. Their examples taught me at an early age that the Savior that we worship and remember was worthy of our highest respect and devotion.
Motherhood comes with many blessings and responsibilities. One of the greatest responsibilities that we have is to be an example to all of God’s children. The women of my youth taught me that as women, we really are mothers to all. These women of Vaiola helped to teach and lead a rising generation.
Lessons about Sisterhood.
This one word represents the very best of Relief Society. To me, a sisterhood evokes a group of sisters that stand for common ideals and beliefs. A sisterhood cares, values, and needs the contribution of each individual. The term sisterhood evokes love and charity. It evokes acceptance not judgment. It evokes patience and unselfishness. In a true sisterhood, each sister is important and a necessary part of the whole. Each sister is both a giver and a receiver. A sisterhood shares commonalities but each sister is also recognized for her own unique talent, personality, and challenges. A sisterhood is one that values both our similarities and our differences.
As sisters in the Relief Society, we have many common goals. The Relief Society declaration and Relief Society objectives lists some of the goals. If I were to combine all those goals in one statement, I’d say that our common goal in Relief Society is to empower each sister, no matter where she is in her own individual journey, so that she can become the woman God meant for her to be.
During this last General Conference, a number of talks touched on diversity and differences. One of my favorite quotes on this subject comes from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. He said;
The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole.
This variety of creation itself is a testament of how the Lord values all His children.
Isn’t that a beautiful quote? We are all a little different, yet each of us is special and adds to the richness and the beauty of the whole. We are all different but we are united in our love of the Savior, our love for the individual, and our love for families. The fact that the Relief Society can bring together so many women of such diverse backgrounds, talents, and personalities speaks to the wonderful spirit of sisterhood that exists in this wonderful organization.