We had the most wonderful surprise yesterday. Yesterday, a dear man chose to come worship with us.
I watched as this brother was embraced and welcomed. One by one, people came over and spoke with him. From where I was sitting, it looked as if expressions of brotherly love were given and received on both sides. The miracle of this event is that this brother had withdrawn from our fellowship a few years ago. He had taken offense over some small matter and would not forgive even when apologies were extended his way. Yesterday, all that appeared forgotten and forgiven. There was only joy!
I’m sure that most of us have taken offense at one point or another in our lives. Justified or not, taking offense can sometimes lead to decisions that hurt us far more than the original words or actions that caused us to be offended in the first place. Often times, when we don’t or can’t forgive these offenses, we end up with years of sorrow and regret.
One of my dearest friends shared her story with me. She was the oldest daughter so she felt like a second mother to her younger siblings. As can happen with siblings, disagreements over trivial and unimportant things are sometimes blown out of proportion. This is exactly what happened between my friend and a younger sister. Things came to a head, bitter words were exchanged, and the sisters walked away angry and unforgiving.
For over a year, my friend and her sister didn’t speak. They avoided family gatherings altogether if the other sister was going to be there. My friend was deeply offended at the apparent disrespect her younger sister had shown her. She expected her younger sister to be the first to apologize. She felt that she was due this much since she was the oldest.
Apparently, the younger sister had a similar reaction. She felt that her older sister had offended her and that she needed an apology. She felt that the older sister should be the one to make the first move since she was the oldest.
My friend remembers this time as the longest and saddest year of her life. They were normally very close and shared a special bond even though they each had their own families by then. It was around Christmas time that year when my friend finally had the courage and humility to go to her sister and ask her for her forgiveness. She recalls that she had barely started apologizing when her sister broke down and embraced her and begged her forgiveness as well.
Both sisters could barely even remember what was so important about the original argument. They had missed out on so much over that year. In that one year, one sister had a son that got married, and the other sister had a daughter that graduated from high school. Choosing to take offense over an insignificant matter consumed their lives for one year, and they paid for it dearly.
Leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (informally known as the Mormon religion) have counseled us time and again about taking offense. President Thomas S. Monson, 16th President of the Church, cautioned:
Sometimes we can take offense so easily. On other occasions we are too stubborn to accept a sincere apology. Who will subordinate ego, pride, and hurt — then step forward with “I am truly sorry! Let’s be as we once were: friends. Let’s not pass to future generations the grievances, the anger of our time”?
Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles asked us to choose not to take offense:
When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.
In the grand division of all of God’s creations, there are things to act and things to be acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:13–14). As sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father, we have been blessed with the gift of moral agency, the capacity for independent action and choice. Endowed with agency, you and I are agents, and we primarily are to act and not just be acted upon. To believe that someone or something can make us feel offended, angry, hurt, or bitter diminishes our moral agency and transforms us into objects to be acted upon. As agents, however, you and I have the power to act and to choose how we will respond to an offensive or hurtful situation.
You and I cannot control the intentions or behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will act. Please remember that you and I are agents endowed with moral agency, and we can choose not to be offended.
My friend was lucky. She and her sister had time to reconcile and be friends and true sisters again. Others have not been so lucky. Some have passed on before taking advantage of the opportunity to forgive and be forgiven. For every happy ending, there is a sad one. For every sister or brother that chooses to forgive the offense, there is one that refuses to accept an apology.
I know what it feels like to be offended. There were even times when I’ve felt justified in my indignation. I’ve felt the burden of this weight on my shoulders when I’ve chosen to hang on to such feelings. On the other hand, I’ve also felt the blessed peace that comes when I chose to forgive the offense. Without fail, the load of anger and bitterness I’ve carried around is immediately lifted and taken away from me.
I hope that the next time I’m confronted with a potentially offensive situation I will remember two things: 1) I can choose not to be offended, and 2) I can choose to forgive and ask for forgiveness.
