I didn’t have my first date until I was sixteen. This may sound unusual to the rest of the world, but it’s standard for teens in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed the Mormon Church). Not dating until age sixteen may sound more like a prison sentence, yet many of us who choose to wait feel as though we are free to explore other interests. We’re not tied down to relationships or the pressures and consequences involved with serious dating.
I’ve noticed an unsettling trend in the area of dating that has occurred in the last fifteen years or so since I was a teen. This is especially portrayed as ‘normal’ in television and movies geared towards teenagers. They would have us believe, and sadly many do, that once you go on a date with someone it means you’re exclusive. Not only that but those who try dating several different people are labeled flirts…or worse. Yet this is not how God intended the dating process to be.
“In cultures where dating or courtship is acceptable, dating can help you develop lasting friendships” (For the Strength of Youth, p.24).
Did you ever think of dating as a way to make good friends? A date doesn’t have to mean a lasting commitment. It’s not a contract signed between a girl and a guy, requiring them to spend at least three or four months dating just each other. One date does not have to lead to another, and another, and even another. It can, however, help you to get to know someone better and perhaps find someone who can be a great friend.
As a teenager the dating process was painful for me. I was always so afraid of saying something dumb that I barely spoke at all (I know, sounds like a good time, right?). In fact, most of my dates in high school were a result of others asking me, as I wasn’t really interested in dating. This attitude is more common than you might think.
“Not all teenagers need to date or even want to. Many young people do not date during their teen years because they are not yet interested, do not have opportunities, or simply want to delay forming serious relationships” (For the Strength of Youth, p.24).
If you’re one of these people, don’t freak out. It doesn’t mean you’re not normal. If the desire to date isn’t big at this time you’re probably just too interested in other things. School activities can take up so much of your time it doesn’t leave much time for dating. Or perhaps you’ve seen what can happen with friends who’ve chosen to be too serious too soon. Never let anyone pressure you into dating if you’re not ready for it.
One of the biggest reasons Mormon teens don’t date until they’re 16 is because of the threat it creates when it comes to immorality. It also limits the number of people you can get to know, both guys and girls. When you’re seriously involved with someone you tend to give this person all of your attention. Others around you can be ignored. Serious dating can also keep you from having experiences and discovering traits you might like in someone you would eventually marry.
Mormon teens are encouraged to date others from the same religion. This is actually typical of many churches. Have you ever wondered why?
“A young man and a young woman on a date are responsible to help each other maintain their standards and to protect each other’s honor and virtue” (For the Strength of Youth, p.24).
For the most part when you date someone in your same religion you share the same value system. Your expectations as far as morality goes are known and will hopefully be respected. This is a standard set up even back in biblical times when Abraham sent out a servant to find his son, Isaac, a wife. The women they knew were a different religion, and they knew God wanted Isaac to marry someone who belonged to His church.
Be cautious when it comes to dating. Don’t believe everything you see on television. Don’t even believe everything your friends try to tell you. As in all things in your life, take the matter to the Lord in prayer. Encourage yourself, your date, and your friends to go in groups or double dates. If dating interests you at this time, try dating lots of different people. Avoid tying yourself down to one person.
“Do things that will help you and your [date] maintain your self-respect and remain close to the Spirit of the Lord” (For the Strength of Youth, p.25).
I hope you don’t come out of this feeling like I’m down on dating, because I promise you I’m not. I’ve just seen too many friends and loved ones hurt themselves by dating too soon, or becoming too serious. It’s natural for us to be attracted to others, and to want to act upon it. But the “natural man is an enemy to God” (Mosiah 3:19) and must be mastered. The teenager who can master the natural impulses and maintain a high standard for his or herself will truly be a happier person.
For more thoughts on datings and morality you can read:
Teens: It All Starts With a Kiss
Teens: The Importance of Staying Chaste
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