The year 2000 was very difficult for my family. My husband and I were anxiously awaiting the newest addition to our family: a little brother for our then two-year old daughter. We realized she couldn’t fully understand why we had her talking to my belly so often. She only knew the act made us smile.
I woke up really early one morning to labor pains. Several hours later I held my baby boy in my arms while my husband, father, and older brother quickly placed their hands on his head and gave him a name and a priesthood blessing. As they removed their hands from his tiny head the doctor approached and declared his passing at 4:20 pm.
As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (also known as Mormon Church) we knew this was certainly not the end. Through the Plan of Salvation we realized this was, in all likelihood, something we’d agreed on before we came to earth. Not only that but we knew we’d have the chance to raise him again in the Millennium. At two-years old, however, there was no way our daughter could fully understand these concepts.
A week later I found my daughter standing on a chair. As I reached over to pull her down she patted my belly and said, “Hi baby.” I looked to my husband who stood in the doorway and tried not to cry. It wasn’t the same reaction she’d always had before, and she didn’t understand what was wrong. Needless to say, she didn’t do it again.
I wish I could say the hardships ended there. About four months later both my husband and daughter went over to his parents’ house to work in the yard for a time. His mother wasn’t feeling well, hadn’t been for quite a while, and went to lie down while he worked. About an hour later he was ready to go. Our daughter refused to leave before they said goodbye to Grandma one last time.
My husband said he knew even before he approached his mother that she was dead. He immediately yelled for his dad to call 911 and proceeded to do mouth-to-mouth, my daughter watching on. The next several minutes were spent in frantic confusion. He called me at home and told me to come, fast. I didn’t get there in time to save our little girl from seeing the paramedics come, put Grandma on a stretcher, and take her away.
For months afterward she was terrified of ambulances, certain they were going to take away another loved one. She had nightmares every night. We had to bring her into our bed, as she refused to stay in her room alone, and if she awoke during the night couldn’t go to sleep until she knew both of us were still there. It took several more months before she eventually went back into her own bed.
She kept asking to go see her grandma, and whenever we’d go to visit Grandpa she would call through the house for her. We tried to explain Grandma was up in heaven now. It didn’t occur to us that she didn’t understand where heaven was until we took a trip with Grandpa up to Idaho for a family reunion. Once we got to the motel, our daughter began to ask when we were going to pick Grandma up. Apparently she thought heaven was in Idaho.
Of course she’s several years older now, and has experienced a lot more loss through death. It hasn’t made the experiences any easier. She still feels the grief as best she knows how.
I bare all these painful memories to the world in order to give you one big message: there are times we, as parents, must put aside our own grief in order to help our children. We must never, ever make a child think what they are feeling isn’t important, or not as significant as the pain we ourselves are feeling.
Children will react to grief in different ways. My daughter needed us next to her at night. Another child I know of cried every time her mother disappeared from sight, even if it was just to walk behind the car. One darling little boy has seen so much heartache in his short life the only way he knows how to deal with it is through hitting.
Don’t be afraid to take your child to a counselor. They are trained in how to help a child deal with tragic things like death. Above all, don’t forget to include your Heavenly Father in how to help your child. His inspirations can go a long way to helping all of you deal with grief.
I know if my husband and I had not given our daughter the physical and emotional support she required at the time, things could have turned out so differently for all of us. I am so grateful our Heavenly Father helped us to help her during that difficult year.
