For some teenagers the strongest way they feel and receive love is through service. Service is a language most parents naturally speak. From the time our children are first born it becomes our responsibility to change diapers, cook food, wash clothes, and look after the physical welfare of our little ones.
One of the greatest examples of service comes in the form of a carpenter. Jesus Christ spent the majority of His ministry serving others. It’s a pretty fair bet that He spent many more years before that giving service as well. He knew, perhaps more than any of the rest of us can possibly comprehend, how acts of service are able to communicate so much love. The Bible is replete with story after story of how our Savior performed such acts. The Book of Mormon, another testament of Christ, also shows how He chose to serve His faithful in the Americas shortly after His resurrection. He was only with them for a short time, but His influence remained with them for hundreds of years after. (If you’d like to read of this visit please go to 3 Nephi 11 and read on.)
Gary Chapman, noted marriage and family counselor, recognized the need for service in many of his patients, even calling it a powerful expression. Unfortunately we as parents often find our attitudes slipping when it comes to serving our teens. Perhaps we do it more out of a sense of duty rather than love. We may even start to feel more like slaves than parents. I know I’ve felt that way a few times.
This is where we learn how to step away from the type of service we provided for our loved ones when they were children, and begin teaching them how to become independent adults through service.
In listening to Dr. Chapman speak on acts of service I am reminded of the saying, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” That is the attitude we must now begin to take with our teens. They want to feel grown up and independent. A big step forward will be in teaching them how to do things for themselves. This can be done in simple ways.
If you’re preparing dinner one night, invite your teen to come help you. Ideally this should be done even before they become teenagers. Still, it’s never too late to start, and teens should definitely be taught to cook some of the most basic dishes. You are providing the service of preparing the food and doing the main cooking, but your teen feels the love you are showing in asking them to be a part of the process.
In both the youth programs (Young Men and Young Women) in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed Mormon Church) teens are encouraged to set goals to help them become more self-reliant. For boys these goals are set in the Duty to God program, and for girls it’s done in Personal Progress. For example, teens are asked to learn to make a grocery list, do the shopping, and prepare a meal. Parents are highly encouraged to help in this, and certainly show their love when they choose to do so.
Dr. Chapman encourages us to make a list of things we’d like to teach our teenager. Show it to him or her and explain what the list is. Ask your teenager to write down any other things he or she might like to learn. This will especially help in giving your teen a positive attitude about the plan. Your teen might even surprise you. Your young man could be a budding chef. Your young lady could be interested in cars. Give them the chance to express themselves through the things they want to learn.
Once the planning is done the training must begin.
“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).
It does not say, “Do everything for your child and maybe one day he’ll pick up on it.” Our children have to be taught and trained how to do things for themselves. Dr. Chapman tells us to teach first. Give a verbal explanation of what you are about to do. For example, you wouldn’t just hand your teenager a pot and expect them to know how to make spaghetti. You would first explain things. After we teach it’s time to train. First we show by example, next we have our teen help, until finally they are able to do it by themselves. This will take time, and a lot of patience. I can promise you when it is done in the right spirit wonderful things will happen in the life of both you and your teen.
Three warnings. First, be careful not to fall into the habit of making deals. Your teen will only see this as manipulation. If you find yourselves saying things like, “I’ll do this if you’ll do this…” be careful. It’s a form of manipulation, like a bartering system. The end result is not love, but getting what you want.
Second, be mindful of doing everything for your teens, as you did for them when they were children. It will still be necessary to do many things for your teens, especially those things they have not been taught to do for themselves. Parents who continually do everything for their teens are simply creating dependent teenagers who feels free to take and take and take, but never learn how to truly give.
Last, watch for teens who try and manipulate you. “If you really loved me you’d let me go to the party.” Guilt is a favorite tool, and we need to remember real loves comes from doing what we know to be right even when our children don’t see it themselves.
Whenever I think of the Lord I think of service, and the love He showed through each act performed. I know He would willingly serve me just as I try to serve my own children. I also know He doesn’t want me to just give my kids fish, He wants them to become fishermen.
