You’ve already had your first fight. Now what?
My husband and I had taken a Celestial Marriage class at the Institute before we were married. One of the things that I remember from the class was certain prophets and church leaders who claimed never to have had an argument with their spouse. I wanted to be like that. I knew that we loved each other enough to be one of those couples.
I don’t really know why I thought that since we had already had arguments while we were dating and especially during the pressures of the engagement and planning the wedding. But that was our goal. And we came up with My husband might have been able to do that. But I was much to emotionally involved in my own ideas to be able to step back and rationally and objectively just debate a point from the other side of view. Maybe it’s just the estrogen. I really don’t know. But I was incapable of it.
And we had our first fight only a couple of weeks into our marriage. It was an important discussion about things of eternal worth, too. I’m pretty sure it was about whether Nike Air basketball shoes actually helped you jump better because of the air. I think my husband disagrees with me, though. But it was for sure about Nike shoes.
So suddenly, our goals for a perfect track record were shot to pieces within about two weeks all because of Nike! After my anger had cooled a little, I was really pretty devastated. What were going to do now? We had failed. We were doomed.
But we weren’t really. Ideally, of course, it’d be better if we could talk out disagreements with love and respect. But if you’ve already had your first fight (or two, or three) all is not lost. Here’s what I’ve learned in 15 years of marriage:
1. Sometimes decisions are made based on personal preference, not on any principle. For instance, he wants to go to Cancun for vacation and you want to go to Hawaii. It’s a good thing to put your spouse’s needs first and just do it their way. And usually, the more you show this kind of love, the more it is given back to you. So the spouse does likewise and you both end up happier by giving to the other person rather than thinking of yourself first.
2. Sometimes even if a principle is involved, your husband may just be right. Obviously, we usually believe we are right. If we thought we were wrong, we would change. But we are not perfect and we will not always be right. I try to keep this in my mind when an argument is beginning. He has just as much reason to believe he is right as I do. It helps me listen to him better. It helps me to be a little more willing to try things his way.
3. The fight is never worth the emotional damage that has to be cleaned up afterwards. When we first married, I could hold a grudge, let me tell you. I might get so upset that I wouldn’t even speak to my husband for days. But fighting always just makes me feel lonely afterwards. And even though I may be emotionally ready to “make-up” afterwards, he still may be hurting and needs time.
4. Apologizing is very important. In the beginning, I wanted to just be able to give my husband a kiss and a hug and have that make everything alright. But he usually needed more. He actually needed to talk about the argument. It was very hard for me to apologize for anything in the early days, probably mostly because I was still hanging onto the idea that “I was right!” What makes it easier for me now is remembering how he looked on the day we were married and how blessed I felt to be sealed to such a righteous son of God. I think of the way that Heavenly Father sees him and the kind of wife that I should be (whether I’m “right” or not). And usually I can apologize for my behavior or mean things I’ve said. But sometimes it takes time to get to that point and being in the middle of an argument might make it hard. Still, I can usually tell him that I’m at least sorry that we are fighting. He is much better at saying, “I don’t want to fight. Let’s just talk about this later.” Or if it’s something that needs to be discussed immediately, he might say, “I don’t want to have an argument about this. Can we stop and have a prayer before we continue discussing?”
Now, my husband and I look back on the early years of marriage and the arguments that we used to have and we can see the difference now. We argue much less frequently. The arguments are shorter lived before we nip them in the bud. And it doesn’t take as long to make up afterwards. So yeah, we still have moments where we fight. But it’s getting better. So we aren’t perfect in this area. There are lots of areas that we aren’t perfect in. In fact, I’d say there is nothing we are perfect about, not individually and not as a couple. But the purpose of being here on earth with a body is to gain experience (D&C 122:7) and have joy (2 Nephi 2:25). So we live and learn and in the meantime hopefully gain wisdom and love each other more deeply. We have found great joy and satisfaction in our marriage as we have humbled ourselves and included the Lord, seeking forgiveness and strength.
What are the things you’ve learned about avoiding arguments?
