Grief, pain, and suffering are a natural part of our time here on earth. Though it often seems that we would like to skip over this part of our learning process, without them we would not be able to fully experience and feel their contrasting emotions such as: peace, gratitude, joy.
Still, it’s difficult in the moment of suffering. Sometimes it’s even more difficult when we’re watching a friend or loved-one going through their own trials of life. Probably one of the worst feelings in the world is watching someone’s grief and having no idea what you can do to support them. While I do not claim to have all the answers for any given situation, I can give you a few thoughts and ideas to spark your own feelings and promptings from the Spirit. There is almost always a way for the disciple of Christ to reach out and let someone know they’re loved. It’s just up to us to open our hearts and minds to God’s promptings.
First, consider the example of Christ. The number of people He encountered everyday with visible and hidden pains was sometimes incomprehensible. He offered a little of Himself to each one. He offered the part they needed most. Sometimes it was healing, but often His actions involved other things entirely. Sometimes it was words of comfort, sometimes it was simply exposure to His presence. None of these are exclusively out of our reach.
We can offer our time. We can offer brief words of comfort. We may not know exactly what to say but we also need to remember that grieving and stress are not times for eloquent speeches. Those moments of great need were not the times that Christ delivered His longest sermons, but they were often the most poignant for each of us.
Neither do I condemn thee. (John 8:11)
Suffer the little children. (Matthew 19:14)
Peace, be still. (Mark 4:39)
Mary. (John 20:16)
Simple words are often best.
I’m sorry.
This must be hard.
I love you.
I’m not judging you.
I’m here for you.
Keep it simple and speak from your heart and spirit. They’ll hear what they need most.
Though you may have experienced a similar trial, you can not fully know what anyone else feels. Do not presume that you know exactly how your friend feels during her own experience. Offer only that your experiences are similar and that it might be easier for you to understand thoughts and feelings they have been reluctant to share with others.
There are two other examples from Christ’s life that teach me a great deal about how to serve. Even when I have no idea what else I can do, I can cry with my friend, and I can ask what they need from me most.
Jesus Christ cried with His friends as He approached the tomb of Lazarus. He knew that in a moment there would be no need for grief, but these were His friends, the grief of the moment was real and He felt it with them. Sometimes it just helps to see and know that someone else is crying with you. Give them your presence and your time. Listen, don’t talk. Don’t offer judgments or solutions. Offer your hand or a gentle embrace as appropriate. Often these simple gifts are far more powerful than words.
At other times, Christ gave us a different kind of example. Even when He knew the desires of their heart, even when He knew exactly what they needed, Christ often put the power of choice back into the hands of the one in need. He would ask, “What would you have me do?” If you honestly don’t know, ask. Be sincere, offer a few suggestions if you must. Make it clear that you want to help and uplift in the way the grieving person feels they need most in the moment.
If you can see that their need is great but they are unable or unwilling to tell you what you need, then just do something. It may not be exactly what they need, but if you prayerfully consider your options and move forward without waiting for them to ask for something, you open the door and let them know how serious you are about helping them anyway you can.
Here are a few more ideas to consider.
A gift of tissues and chicken noodle soup are almost always a sweet gesture. Often, food and casseroles are things that many people think of. If this seems to be the case, consider creating a meal or two that are completely frozen. The days of stress and grieving are often much longer than the generosity and notice of those around someone, explain that you want them to have something for later: for the days when their healing is slow and they just need someone else to do the cooking. This works in the immediate to let them know where your thoughts lie, it also extends your gift to a time when their need may be less obvious as it is at first.
Provide them with a new pillow or stuffed animal with a comforting feel. Explain that it is to be used in those sad moments when no one is around to hug. The item represents a hug from you.
Give them a journal or nice notebook and pen. Encourage them to try writing a few of their thoughts and feelings when they seem overwhelming. The act of writing them allows the person to order their thoughts, calm their soul, and eases a little of the burden. Other items that might be appropriate for different individuals would be a recording device, colored pencils, paints, or scrap booking materials.
Have these thoughts sparked ideas of your own? Grab a notebook and write them down. You never know when Christ will need you to remember them.
Really, the possibilities are endless. That’s part of the problem when you desperately want to help and feel at a loss. Consider your own thoughts, what would you want most in the same situation? Consider your loved one, what are their favorite things? Consider your Savior, does He offer an example you can follow? Consider all of these, then take these thoughts to God in prayer. Tell Him about those things you’ve considered, the things you value most about the one who is hurting, how desperately you want to serve as Christ disciple and that you are offering your hands to Him. Ask Him, and then follow the warmth and feelings of your heart.
