When I read scripture, I like to look for formulas. An example of a formula is found in 1 John 4:18, which says, “There is no fear in love….”
Fear, you could say, does not equal love. So, I might write in the margin of my scriptures the word “fear,” followed by an equal sign with a slash through it, and the word “love.” To me it means when I am afraid, I am not filled with love. If, for example, I don’t open my mouth to share the Gospel with someone because I’m afraid of their reaction, then I am not truly loving them. If I truly loved them, I wouldn’t worry about saving face if they said no.
I came across a formula the other day in the following quote by Robert D. Hales, a prominent leader of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (or Mormons):
“… When families are functioning as designed by God, the relationships found therein are the most valued of mortality.” (“The Eternal Family,” Ensign, Nov. 1996, 64–65)
The formula I would write is “Happy family life equals functioning as designed by God. Miserable family life equals not functioning as designed by God.” Please note that when I say happy or miserable family, I am referring to the emotional state of an otherwise average intact family, with its typical ups and downs. I acknowledge people sometimes suffer unjustly because of the unrighteous choices of one or more family members (i.e. cases of abuse, addiction, or adultery). Victims of broken families can know that God does not hold them responsible for the sins and resulting misery caused by other family members.
I like this formula because it provides a way for me to gauge how I am doing in my family relationships. Some days my family feels like a tremendous blessing. On other days, more like a burden. When our family is functioning as God intended, our family bonds become noticeably stronger. But when my enjoyment of my family is at a low, it tells me I need to stop and examine where we might have gotten away from God’s principles, and especially what I could be doing differently to contribute to our family.
The best authority on what a family “functioning as designed by God” looks like is found in The Family: A Proclamation to the World. The following is one quote from The Family:
“…[F]athers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”
As any mom can appreciate, sometimes you get behind. You know where I’m going with this, right? The husband needs to help out! Actually, the lesson I learned about being equal partners has more to do with how I ask for help. My husband is very willing to help out, but he’s not a mind reader. No matter how much I storm around the kitchen with a come-over-here-and-pitch-in-now scowl on my face, he doesn’t seem to understand (he inevitably thinks it means I need a hug when I get like this, so I get a hug amidst burning dinner and crying baby).
It’s funny how I so often imagine my grumpy behavior is justified (don’t you see this mess?), and yet if my husband were to act the same tyrannical way, I would probably feel I had grounds for divorce. The point is you condescend (hopefully kindly) to your subordinates, but you give your equals due respect. I’m still learning to give up the imperial indignation I feel whenever my husband ignores my telepathic requests. I find when I ask kindly and directly, I get a positive response, the dinner gets cooked, the baby is held, and I feel good inside as a result. Then when my husband draws me into a hug, I realize a happiness I’d only hoped was possible just a few years earlier in my life. It is a happiness that only comes when I am willing to treat my family the way God intended.
