I have been nervous to write this article for this week. I always worry if people will like it, or hope I don’t offend anyone. This week though, I am being more vulnerable than I ever have, so I am nervous because we are about to get up close and personal. This is more for me than for anyone specific, but maybe it will help someone else. This past week was hard. Heck, the past 3 weeks have been hard. This past week in particular was one of those weeks. You know, the ones where your days are packed full with doctor’s appointments, church-related activities and everything’s-going-wrong-kind-of-week. I felt I was being pulled in every single direction. I think I was gone every night from Wednesday until Sunday. It has been so overwhelming it’s been hard to function some days.
It seems I’m not the only one feeling this way. Since we have been back from our vacation, Baby Girl has had a hard time adjusting as well. She has had a hard time being left anywhere without Mommy, which has taken an even extra emotional toll on me. She attends a regular dance class and when we dropped her off, she cried. She attends her regular Nursery class in church, and when we dropped her off, she cried. This has been going on for 2 weeks. Add that to everything else and I have had a couple of shower breakdowns. You know what I’m talking about, those moments where you just let the water run cold and cry it out because in the shower is the only time you have alone. Sometimes not even then!
I feel a lot of guilt when I feel this way because I am grateful that I don’t have it as bad as others. In retrospect, I have an amazing husband, I have a beautiful cozy home, I have a beautiful daughter and lots of family and friends and for that I am grateful, but I can’t help and ask myself how can I have so many things, yet feel so utterly alone.
This journey into Motherhood has definitely been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I keep hearing women talk about how much they love being a mom, and how easy it comes to them, and how they enjoy every minute with their children. I’ve often wondered if there is something wrong with me because I don’t enjoy every moment. I get tired mentally and emotionally, and some days I just need to walk out because my ears are ringing from hearing “Mama!” “Mama! “MAAAAMA!!” and she isn’t the only one.
“Honey, where’s my shirt?” “Do we have any milk left?” “I can’t find the bill I left on the counter; where is it?” I decided this past week those who say they love every moment are either liars, or I’m in need of serious help because as much as I love being a mom, some days I just seriously think to myself I cannot do this anymore. Ladies, you are not alone. Do you hear me? You are not alone. I feel your pain; I am shedding those tears right there with you, and can I add something else? You are still a wonderful mother. You are doing the best you can and don’t let anyone tell you any different. Not your friends, not the mothers that “claim” everything’s perfect, and especially not Satan.
I have had a very rude encounter this past week with Satan. After… let’s see, baby girl will be 3 this summer…after 3 years of telling myself I’m not a good mom, and after many pillow-soaked nights I am tired of it. A friend from church told me that when you get those negative thoughts in your head, they are not from our Heavenly Father, but from Satan.
God loves us unconditionally. He knows all we are and all that we can become. He would never let us down, nor put us down. Satan on the other hand, would. He does everything he can in his power to make us feel we are inadequate and useless. He wants us to compare ourselves to others and make us feel that not only are we not good enough, but our children aren’t either, because Suzy’s 2-year-old can count to 10 and say his ABC’s. Trust me I know. So how do we fix that? How do we let go of the negative thoughts?
My same friend told me something I never thought of doing. Just like we can pray and speak to our Heavenly Father we can talk to Satan. Tell him to go away. Anytime you are thinking to yourself “I’m a bad mom” say, GO AWAY Satan!” I promise, he will. He cannot deny when you tell him to go away and when in doubt, rest assured God will be there to also make him leave.
I know because I have done it. Last week I lost my patience and yelled at my daughter and as soon as I stopped, I heard a voice say “You are a witch of a Mom.” Whoa. I was shocked such a thought would pop in my head. It caught me so off guard, I immediately began to cry because I knew this was not one of my regular moments of guilty thoughts. It was Satan, and he spoke loud and clear. My Heavenly Father would never say such things about me, nor would he ever want me to think those things about myself. I remembered what my friend had suggested so I stopped and said out loud, “Satan, go away!!” I followed that with a quick prayer to my Heavenly Father, and slowly was able to calm down and find peace and comfort.
I also must also warn you to never think these thoughts out loud! I was trying to style Baby Girl’s hair which, I will not hesitate to say, I am very bad at! I was trying to do simple pigtails and her hair had bumps everywhere, so I said “I’m sorry, Baby Girl, I’m just not a good mommy who does hair all fancy!” Not really thinking she was paying attention, she said, “You’re not a bad mama!” Her response surprised me, and I asked her “What did you say?” She said, “You’re not a bad mama; you’re my best girl!” My heart instantly melted. Our children don’t expect us to be perfect; they love us no matter what. They see us with that Christ-like love, that love that loves us for who we are despite any imperfections.
We know God is very real. We know this when our children are born, or when someone is healed from an illness. We know this when we look around and see the many, many blessings we have. But I am here to tell you Satan is just as real, and that’s a scary thing. Since then, I have tried really hard to surround myself with positive things. I have been reading uplifting articles, reading my scriptures, and saying my prayers. The closer we become to God, the more far away Satan will become. Don’t let him bring you down anymore. I know it’s easier said than done. Trust me, I am still going through it and still looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. But, I have seen in my daily life small things that have been helping me along the way, so I know there’s hope for me yet…and there’s hope for you too!
Whether you are struggling with motherhood, or paying the bills, or coping with the death of a loved one, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that light is Christ. Turn to him. He knows what we are going through because he too has gone through it. He is waiting with open arms for us to turn to him and tell him we need Him. You don’t have to do it alone. He is there. If we remember that, we can overcome those feelings of loneliness because, with Him, we are never alone. (This is what I’m working on now!) Be the person He knows you are and pray to help you find who that is. When you feel everything going out of control, take back control. You are in control of you! It is your home, your family, and no one can have it but you. So, next time you’re feeling down, yell “Satan GO AWAY!!” It has made such a difference in my life and how I see myself.
I got personal today in hopes that if somewhere someone is feeling the same way, I want you to know I care because know. I wanted to share my story, so you know you are not the only one and you are not alone.
Krystal is a latter-day mom and Holy Homemaker to 3 beautiful kiddos who is striving to find joy in the everyday trenches of motherhood and life! Her passion is sharing her experience of decluttering with a purpose to help others create a Holy Home where the messes subside and the Spirit resides. She is a lover of books, nature, music, food, the gospel, and all things Texas! Follow her at her website, Latter-day Mom!