Marriage is obviously important to me, or I wouldn’t have agreed to write one article a week for a minimum of a year on the subject. As I look at how the world and the media portray marriage, it makes me very sad. The world sees marriage as a disposable experiment. Try marriage on for size, and if it doesn’t fit, just toss it out with the garbage. There are certain circumstances where divorce is necessary. For instance, no one should ever have to tolerate abuse of any kind. Far too often, however, problems that could be worked out with a little effort are deemed unforgivable and not worth the effort to fix. Maybe it’s because we live in such a throw-away society. If a new piece of technology comes on the market, we just throw out the old, even if the old is actually fairly new and in good working condition. (My family will laugh when they read that because this is something I will never be accused of doing.)
It seems to me that the easiest way to throw away a marriage is by infidelity. Instead of talking out a problem, some people look to others outside the marriage for comfort or validation. Once you start doing that, it is a slippery slope to turning a friendship into an inappropriate relationship. Our jobs, volunteer work, and even our church callings often put us in close contact with others of the opposite sex. Add those friends on social media into the picture, and there are literally thousands of opportunities for inappropriate relationships and infidelity. If we are not vigilant, we may easily fall into the adversary’s most evil trap.
A marriage can be placed in a precarious situation when one spouse forms a relationship with someone outside the marriage and begins to choose the company of that person or frequently shares personal information with that person rather than with a spouse. Furthermore, the problem can occur with either husband or wife. . . .
Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity (Kenneth W. Matheson, Ensign (Sept. 2009), “Fidelity in Marriage: It’s More Than You Think”).
When marriage gets difficult, there is an inclination to run away from the problem. You may just be jumping from the fry pan into the fire. I saw this on social media recently, and it illustrates the point well. “The grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it” (Facebook, Gathering of the Vibes). We have planted our marriage, and it is our marriage that needs the water. If we stay put and water the marriage, it will grow lush and green. Running away to where you think the grass is greener will only produce heartache in the end and throw your marriage in the trash heap.
The internet makes it extremely easy to enter into inappropriate relationships. We feel safe behind a computer screen with people we have never met face to face. The screen provides a false sense of security that we couldn’t possibly be doing anything wrong. We tend to forget that there doesn’t need to be sexual intercourse to have infidelity. Even so, according to Sari Harrar and Rita DeMaria, half of emotional affairs become sexual affairs. (Harrar, Sari and DeMaria, Rita, The 7 Stages of Marriage: Laughter, Intimacy, and Passion, Pleasantville, NY: Reader’s Digest Books (2007).)
Merely refraining from sexual intercourse outside of marriage is not sufficient in the Lord’s standard of personal purity. The Lord requires a high moral standard of His disciples, including complete fidelity to one’s spouse in thought and conduct. In the Sermon on the Mount, He said: “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28). In the latter days He has said, “Thou shalt not . . . commit adultery, . . . nor do anything like unto it” (D&C 59:6). And He has reemphasized the principle He taught in the Sermon on the Mount: “He that looketh on a woman to lust after her, or if any shall commit adultery in their hearts, they shall not have the Spirit, but shall deny the faith and shall fear” (D&C 63:16). These warnings apply to all people, whether they are married or single (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Chastity, https://www.lds.org/topics/chastity?lang=eng).
Trust is something we earn by virtue of never being untrustworthy. Once you betray that trust, it is much more difficult to earn it back. It is better never to lose the trust of your partner. If you don’t give your spouse a reason not to trust you, you don’t have to go through the repentance process, and your partner doesn’t have to go through the pain of forgiving.
No, the grass is never greener on the other side of the hill. The other side is filled with emotional turmoil, heartache, pain, and guilt.
Sin is still sin and always will be. We stand for a life of cleanliness. From childhood through youth and to the grave, we proclaim the wickedness of sexual life of any kind before marriage, and we proclaim that everyone in marriage should hold himself or herself to the covenants that were made.
In other words, as we have frequently said, there should be total chastity of men and women before marriage and total fidelity in marriage (President Spencer W. Kimball, Oct. 1975 General Conference, “The Time to Labor Is Now”).
To read all of Tudie Rose’s article on marriage, click the picture.
I don’t know why our culture seems to think that life should be easy. Everything in life is not easy. Some things are just plain hard. There is nothing wrong with hard work—especially when that hard work is building a marriage and family. Hard work is admirable. It builds character, as well as marriages and families. Running away from your partner into the arms of another is just tossing your marriage into the trash bin.
As Latter-day Saints, we believe in forever families. A modern day apostle of the Lord has said, “Fidelity to a temple marriage . . . allows families to be together forever” (Russell M. Nelson, “Celestial Marriage”, Oct. 2008 General Conference). If an eternal marriage and a forever family is our goal, we must never be guilty of infidelity.
Tudie Rose is a mother of four and grandmother of ten in Sacramento, California. You can find her on Twitter as @TudieRose. She blogs as Tudie Rose at http://potrackrose.wordpress.com. She has written articles for Familius. You will find a Tudie Rose essay in Lessons from My Parents, Michele Robbins, Familius 2013, at http://www.familius.com/lessons-from-my-parents.
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