A good marriage requires time. Relationships don’t become perfect overnight. It takes many years. Have you ever watched an older couple walk hand in hand and thought, “Will we be like that when we’re old?” Those couples didn’t get that contented look in their eyes on their wedding day; it took years of trial and error, along with adversity.
Marriage not only requires years, it requires time spent together during those years. It isn’t possible to develop a perfect marriage if you are sitting in opposite ends of your home with different pieces of technology. Over the last few years, I’ve observed several couples admittedly talking to each other in a public forum online while sitting in the same residence—sometimes in the same room. This isn’t a scientific study, but just for the record, every single one of those couples ended up getting a divorce.
Spending time together means putting the technology away and actually talking to each other. Conversation is becoming a lost art. If we can’t communicate with our partner, there is something radically wrong. Communication takes eye contact, listening ears, and undivided attention.
I would be interested to know the average amount of time wasted by the average couple on social media sites that could be devoted to nourishing marriage. I doubt you could ever get an accurate study, because I don’t think people would really be honest about the amount of wasted time.
There are reasons to be on social media. I’m on social media to keep up with my grown children and my grandchildren, promote my writing, and participate in a variety of efforts for my church. Most of us have very good reasons to use social media. I’m not suggesting that we all log off permanently. We just all need to manage our time better. If our children spent as much time logged in as we do, we would limit their use (or should). I’m suggesting that we limit our own use, as well. Log on, take care of business, and log off. If that’s too hard, maybe setting a timer is an option.
Besides technology, there are other things that take time away from marriage. Sporting events, children’s athletic teams, Girls/Boys night out, and bringing work home from the office—all take time away from marriage.
It is good for children to participate in athletic teams and other activities, but everything should be done in moderation. I know parents who run from one activity to the next and literally eat in the car every night after a run through the drive-through window at their favorite fast food restaurants. This does not make for a happy marriage, or for happy children. We are over-scheduling our children.
It is good for men to have guy friends and women to have girlfriends. I’ll even go so far as to say an occasional evening out with friends is therapeutic. However, I’ve been witnessing some girls night out parties that last until 1:00 and 2:00 a.m.—which is not conducive to a good marriage. There is a time to remember you are married and go home to your partner—and that certainly should be long before midnight. Having dinner with your girlfriends is one thing—but we outgrew high school a long time ago. I feel the same way about guy nights, in case you were wondering. I’m not a controlling wife, but I think there is a decent hour for my husband to be home. If I want him home, then I need to be home too.
Some of us have demanding jobs which sometimes require us to bring work home. We need to set limits, however, on how much of our personal time is spent on work. I was a legal secretary, and I remember a particular female attorney I worked for who expected me to come in early, work through lunch, stay past quitting time, make a mail run and a Fed-Ex run on my way home, and shop for office supplies in my “spare time.” I was often asked during working hours to pick up her daughter from school and to go get her car washed (which is why it was necessary to work late and come in early). Date nights for a while consisted of shopping for office supplies and going for fast food. It began to happen so often that I finally had to put limits on what I would do on my personal time, and eventually, I quit that job.
To read all of Tudie Rose’s article on marriage, click the picture.
A very valuable exercise in learning better time utilization is the task of keeping a time log for a specific period of time. Try writing down every 15 minutes how you spend your time. Keep this log for a week and total up where you have spent your time in those 15-minute increments. Your summary will usually bring about a great realization that you have not been spending your time where you thought you were. With that information, sit down and think through the ideal expenditure of your time as compared to the actual. Make plans and commitments to change your behavior accordingly (Rex W. Allred, Personal Time Management: New Era, June 1997, “One Key to a Leader’s Effectiveness”,).
Some of my legal secretarial jobs in my past required me to keep a time log, so I know that the above system works. When you actually see on paper where your time is spent, it makes a huge impact on your thought process. You may well be shocked at how much time you waste throughout the day with meaningless tasks.
Manage your time with your spouse and your children the way a good employee would manage time on the job. Plan, prioritize, and plow through the work. Then you will have time to sit back and enjoy your partner, your children, and your marriage. Marriage is too important to sweep under the carpet. Put your marriage at the top of your priority list instead of the bottom.
Tudie Rose is a mother of four and grandmother of ten in Sacramento, California. You can find her on Twitter as @TudieRose. She blogs as Tudie Rose at http://potrackrose.wordpress.com. She has written articles for Familius. You will find a Tudie Rose essay in Lessons from My Parents, Michele Robbins, Familius 2013, at http://www.familius.com/lessons-from-my-parents.
Twitter •
