Upcycling: Crafting the Face of Manliness

Sometimes, it’s hard to feel manly. You have knitted too many mittens, you have a pile of plastic bottles that you really should recycle, and a bowl of ice cream is your psychotherapist. It’s all too soft and cushy.

But there’s a way out.

PROSTHESIS

Get that yarn. Tie one end up into a lumpy knot, and tie the other end nearby. Be careful not to tie a square knot; despite all your Boy Scout experience, you want the granny knot or whatever. This way it can slide around, and fit nearly any head. That’s step two: put the loop on your head, going from behind your ears to under your nose. Get more yarn, and tie it onto the main loop so that the lowest point goes below your lips. You may find clampy-paperclip things useful in holding everything together while you make the knots.

Next, wrap that yarn around your hand a bunch of times. Take some scissors and cut the loops at the bottom and the top. This will inject some masculinity into the proceedings, by operating sharp objects right next to your fingers. You should end up with a pile of 3-4 inch yarn strings. Tie these onto the main loop, on the face-side. Throughout the process, you should try on your prosthetic beard, to make sure everything looks the way you want it to. Fair warning, you will need a lot of those strings to make a full beard. It turns out that manliness can be the result of tedious, repetitive labor.

Has a hobo beard ever looked so handsome? I think not. Once you get your beard, you can trim it any way you like, or maybe add in some extensions for the duck dynasty look. Of course, you just put about one hundred yarn strings right on your face, so it is itchy, yet warm. Not too far off from the true beard experience.

Equipped with a new sense of purpose, you are ready to tackle those plastic bottles.

MILK DRINKERS ASSEMBLE

For this, you will need duct tape. If you do not have duct tape, I highly recommend going to the store, while wearing your prosthetic beard, and buying as much duct tape as it takes for the cashier to not take you seriously.

For this project, I use milk jugs and vegi-smoothie bottles. One is pretty common, the other is to avoid spending too much time planning out how to include vegetables into my diet. The vegan conspiracy has no hold on me.

You can make nearly anything, but animal figures are a good idea to start with. As you might guess, I am making a T-Rex.

A jug has died for the cause. Don’t feel restricted by the shape of the bottle, you can cut and tape nearly anything with enough imagination and sheer grit. Those pieces are now a tail.

Note that yarn ball propping the tail up. Depending on what you are making, the balance may be off in any number of ways. One solution I have found is to fill the legs at least partially with water, making them heavier than most of the rest of the piece. It’s a good idea as well to keep the cut out parts, for making details and such.

To get that mouth, I stabbed the jug in the side with a steak knife. Somehow, that is very appropriate, using a knife for cutting cow meat to cut a cow juice container. Then some scissors to make the jagged mouth. I used titanium scissors, because nothing cuts like space shuttle metal.

Just like Doctor Frankenstein, your monster is complete. Similarly, as you gaze upon the shards left in your wake, you realize that the true monster is you. Either that, or you hang the mail key from the mouth of the dinosaur. You have worn the itchy face of manhood, and carved new life out of a dead husk. You are now free to eat that ice cream as a reward for your magnificent labor.