When we first chose our current homeschool group, it was a process of elimination. We were delicately or bluntly eliminated as possible members of every group we tried because we are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. After the 5th or 6th try I changed tactics. I Googled secular homeschool groups for our large city. I found a great group and we’ve been there ever since. In light of my recent experiences with being excluded for perceived or real differences, I resumed an ongoing discussion with my children about what makes a good friend or a good person. We discussed the concepts of different and wrong. Long hair or short hair on a boy-different. People of different believe systems-different. Moms who nurse or use formula-different. Parents who don’t feed their children-wrong. Having political opinions and expressing them-different, ad hominem attacks-wrong. Liking people of the same gender-different, promiscuity-wrong.
We talked a lot about character as opposed to characteristics. We talk about what expands our minds and what poisons them.
As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we have some rules that are more about cultural markers than ultimate good and bad. Some of the rules we have are more minor than others, and wouldn’t determine whether a person could be a good friend. We’ve talked about differences like drinking coffee, having a tattoo, or media choices. What about alcohol…is there a viable, healthy different perspective? It has been enlightening to hear my children’s conversations and watch their minds open. It has changed why we do keep our standards and how we feel about others who are different. I’m grateful for all of the people in our lives who have helped my children learn important lessons on what really matters and why we do the things we do.
This ongoing conversation diverted as we added a severely autistic young man to our children’s group, called Primary, at church. We talked again about what is different and what is wrong. A young autistic boy holding his hand uniquely and singing his whale song-different, hitting and pinching-wrong. We had to open our minds to all of the possibilities of being different.
As we age we notice all the amazing gradients and possibilities. We all believe murder is wrong, but with war and abortion and self-defense and capital punishment, it gets muddy. Are there possible differences on opinions in these areas without jumping to the ultimate wrong-murder? Do we allow for those differences? What personal experiences could a person have that could change their perspective on something as seemingly good and bad as murder?
Why do we jump to the assumption that a difference is wrong? It is easier. We don’t have to expand our mind, adjusts our presets or think too hard. Once we decide wrong, the thinking is over. Now we sometimes, at this point, use extra energy to build up a straw man of the other person’s philosophy so it fits nicely in the wrong category. That energy could be spent understanding the person.
Sometimes through experience with our own unique lives and challenges we have come to unique choices that work fabulously for us, but aren’t generally applicable. Maybe it’s a diet or an educational path. We crave support and want other people to have success in their issues and mistakenly assume our glasses will solve their vision problems.
Sometimes we are just tired and stressed and exhausted and everything we are doing is taking more energy than we have to give already. We don’t have more to give to opening our minds.
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Sometimes we feel so passionately about something that when we meet someone who jumps to the conclusion that it’s wrong, we discover that jumping to conclusions is contagious. We start making assumptions about them.
Expanding our minds is tough. Hopefully we can be patient with ourselves and others along the way. Hopefully we can avoid measuring too early.
Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone could recognize that jumping to conclusions is harder than walking a mile in another person’s shoes.
Britt grew up in a family of six brothers and one sister and gained a bonus sister later. She camped in the High Sierras, canoed down the Colorado, and played volleyball at Brigham Young University. She then served a mission to South Africa.
With all of her time in the gym and the mountains and South Africa, she was totally prepared to become the mother of 2 sons and soon to be 9 daughters. By totally prepared she means willing to love them and muddle through everything else in a partially sleepless state. She is mostly successful at figuring out how to keep the baby clothed, or at least diapered, though her current toddler is challenging this skill.
She feels children naturally love to learn and didn’t want to disrupt childhood curiosity with worksheets and school bells. She loves to play in the dirt, read books, go on adventures, watch her children discover new things, and mentor her children. Her oldest child is currently at a community college and her oldest son is going to high school at a public school. She loves to follow her children in their unique paths and interests.
She loves to write because, unlike the laundry and the dishes, writing stays done. Whenever someone asks her how she does it all she wonders what in the world they think she’s doing.
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