“She always gets the biggest piece!”  I can still hear my sister’s shrill, whiney voice from my childhood, complaining that there was, in fact, a bigger piece of pie, and it wasn’t hers.  Sometimes we all want a bigger piece of the pie.  Is it really wrong to want more?  I don’t think so.  I believe that although resources may be limited, together we can make the pie as big as we want.

My children are, like so many of us, unsatisfied.  They want a bigger piece. “You are not fair,” one daughter informed me.  I know this is a common childhood perception.  I don’t even expect to purchase each child the exact same things.  For example, I don’t buy all five of my children new shoes because one child needs them. I don’t think that would be fair.  Still, I investigated it further.  What was causing this unhappiness?  “She always gets everything she wants from you,” she explained, pointing at another sister.  I thought about it.  It was often true.  Maybe I’m not fair, but it isn’t all my fault.

This daughter is very good at getting what she wants and needs.  How does she do it?  It was a wonderful question.  I thought, how can someone get “everything” they want from me?   I love to say yes and help people.  What makes it easier for some?  I think the invisible answer is hidden in the proactive way that she negotiates with me.

Since assertive negotiation can be so useful and so difficult to discover, I wrote down the secret recipe for “how to get everything you want from me”:

1. Figure out what you need beforehand and ask me well in advance, at least a week in advance or more if it is big or important or has to be at a specific time.
2. Ask for it very specifically and tell me why you need it.
3. Assume I want to help, but also listen to my reaction with patience and empathy.  Knowing that I might be inconvenienced by this request and giving me time to consider it without taking my emotional reaction (if any) personally is so helpful.
4. Don’t emotionally react yourself.  Instead, wait it out.
5. If possible, listen for the reason why I can’t or don’t want to fulfill this request.  If I’m not immediately happy to help, find out why.
6. Understand that I need things, too.
7. If possible, propose a plan that meets both of our needs, or work out a win/win plan with me.  This, then, becomes our plan.
8. Don’t just ask for things, be willing to give something, too.
9. Be willing to change something or let go of some aspects of how to get it done if you want me to do it.  (If you want something done right, as in your way, do it yourself)
10. Don’t be afraid to remind me especially if it is important to you.  I am very focused and very distractible, so it is very easy for me to accidentally let you down.  Please do not take this personally and understand that I may not be like you.
11. Own what you need, always.  If I can’t help you or do what you want, or even if I let you down, if you own your own problems and persist in finding another way to get what you want, you and I will both appreciate it.  I want you to have what you need.
12. Accept apologies and don’t hold grudges.  The past is gone and there is nothing I can do to fix it.  We can make a better plan for next time.  We can both figure out our part and say sorry.  But please don’t blame me if you don’t get everything you want the way you wanted it.

When we figure out what we want or need and then use our own planning, efforts, teamwork, negotiation skills and perseverance to make our dreams come true in appropriate and healthy ways, it builds confidence.  Being assertive is self-affirming.

For even better results, we could use Professor Overstreet’s advice as quoted by Dale Carnegie in his book, How to Win Friends & Influence People,

“First arouse in the other person an eager want.  He who can do this has the whole world with him.  He who cannot walks a lonely way.”   

Like Huck Finn helped others feel blessed to pay him for the opportunity to whitewash the fence, surely we can help others want to help us out when we make it truly beneficial to them.

Dare to consider and ask for what you want and need

Dare to prepare

Find ways that might work for all,

and don’t be so quick to point fingers

if you fall.

We all eat our share of dirt.

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson