One of the most powerful statements I’ve ever heard on the power our words hold was given by a latter-day apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed Mormon Church) by the name of Jeffrey R. Holland.
In his talk, “The Tongue of Angels,” he takes a moment to contemplate the effect a parent’s words can have on a child.
“We must be so careful in speaking to a child. What we say or don’t say, how we say it and when is so very, very important in shaping a child’s view of himself or herself. But it is even more important in shaping that child’s faith in us and their faith in God” (Jeffrey R. Holland, “The Tongue of Angels,” Ensign, May 2007).
In continuing the posts on learning how to speak your teens’ language of love, we come to the area on speaking words of support and encouragement. This is especially effective if your teen feels the most love through affirmative words.
I am one of those people. I have always needed to hear the words to know that someone loves me, or appreciates me. The quickest way for me to let others know I love them is through a written note or by saying it out loud. As a youth I often did things, especially service projects, so that I might reap the rewards through loving and encouraging words. This is my foremost language of love.
For those of us who need these affirming words there is nothing more devastating than to hear the opposite, especially from someone we dearly love.
Speaking in particular to mothers, Jeffrey R. Holland discusses this with remarkable eloquence.
“How is it that such a lovely voice which by divine nature is so angelic, so close to the veil, so instinctively gentle and inherently kind could ever in a turn be so shrill, so biting, so acrid and untamed? A woman’s words can be more piercing than any dagger ever forged, and they can drive the people they love to retreat beyond a barrier more distant that anyone in the beginning of that exchange could ever have imagined” (Jeffrey R. Holland, “The Tongue of Angels,” Ensign, May 2007).
Fathers, you are certainly not off the hook. As a mother’s voice is compared to that of angels, I have so often thought of a father’s voice as being comparable to that of our own Spirit Father, or our Father in Heaven. When you find yourselves reacting in anger, pause for a moment and think what your Heavenly Father would do in the same situation. Remember these children are His children as well, and deserve a calm, supportive voice of reason during these trying years.
I love the words of the apostle Paul, who not only spoke candidly, but with much hope:
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but [only] that which is good…[and] edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God….
“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you….
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:29-32).
Children respond so easily to uplifting words. They’ll accept any you have to offer. As they grow into teens it’s not as easy to keep those words uplifting. More often we look to criticize, or demean, in order to get our point across. Then we wonder why our teens no longer listen to us. There is a better way to inspire our teens than by yelling, nagging, or arguing. These negative words can be more harmful than you realize to those who recognizes love through words.
So how do you break the negative-word cycle? Gary Chapman, family and marriage counselor, wrote extensibely about this very thing.
Start with a few words that praise your teens. Look for and verbally recognize their accomplishments. Believe it or not, every teen out there has done something right, and they deserve a bit of recognition for it. Be sincere in your praise. I can state from personal experience that it’s easy to know when someone’s not sincere. Flattery won’t get you far, and will breed distrust.
Be specific in your praise. If your daughter was supposed to clean her room, but only got her dresser cleared off, tell her she did a good job cleaning her dresser. If your son managed to get all his dirty laundry in the hamper without being nagged, praise him for it! Look for specifics.
But what if the results of a job are less than what was desired? Dr. Chapman suggests you praise efforts if you can’t praise the results. If your teen has tried to do something like wash the dishes or fold the laundry or mow the lawn, but their efforts have fallen far short of the job you could have done yourself, let them know how much you appreciate all the effort they put into the job. The next time they attack the chore, make a few suggestions as to how to make it easier. Say something like, “You might see a difference if you…” or “This time why don’t you try…” Make it about what they can do rather than what works for you.
Lastly, don’t be afraid to say the words, “I love you.” If you’re not used to saying it, this will take time to get used to. But the efforts will be marvelous. Don’t go around shouting it right in front of your teens’ best friends. Do it privately. Find other ways of saying “I love you” without using the actual words.
“I really enjoy having you around.”
“Your smile makes my day.”
“I needed to see your beautiful face today.”
In the shaping of a teenager’s self-image our words are powerful tools. They should be filled with faith, with hope, and with charity. As Jeffrey Holland put it:
“With such words, spoken under the influence of the Spirit, tears can be dried, hearts can be healed, lives can be elevated, hope can return, confidence can prevail.”
