Communicating love to your teen in any aspect can be a treacherous road, yet perhaps none is trickier than through positive physical touch. Due to fluctuating hormones, a constant sense of uncertainty, and the drastic highs and lows in their moods it can be difficult to figure out just when the right time hits to reinforce your love.
Positive physical touch is another aspect in the ways people give and receive love. Children who dearly love that physical contact read the most love through a hug, cuddle-time, kisses, and physical play. As they grow into teens finding ways to say, “I love you” through positive physical touch becomes downright complicated.
Trying to express love through a hug at the wrong time can cause embarrassment (if it’s done in front of friends), annoyance (if they’re feeling anti-social), or aggravation (if your action makes them feel as though you’re treating them like a child).
Parents, if your teenager’s language of love is positive physical touch, you need to learn to read your teen well enough to determine suitable timing. Good intentions done at the wrong time can go very, very wrong.
Consider first your teen’s mood. Does she slam the door upon coming home from school? Does he stand across the room from you when discussing his day? Are her arms folded tightly across her chest? Study their body language. Don’t be offended if they’re not open to being touched. It probably has nothing to do with you, but with something that happened at school.
Appropriate times for positive physical touch can be when something really exciting happens. It could be a victory in sports, a good report card, a successful performance in music or dance, a well-deserved grade on a test or major paper. The opposite can also be true. If your teen flunks a test, or has lost a good friend, or perhaps had a little accident with the car, they may need a good hug to be reminded that they are still loved. Just be mindful of their body language to know if it’s safe to approach them.
Another thing to consider is where you might be with your teen when you want to give them a hug or kiss. The child who used to love being held in front of their friends isn’t going to like it any more. Gary Chapman, a marriage and family counselor who came up with the concepts of the love languages, strongly recommends “a good rule of thumb is never to touch a teenager in the presence of his/her friends unless the teenager initiates it by touching you.” (Italics added)
As with any expression of love, taking it to a negative side can cause horribly lasting effects. For a teen who feels the most love through physical touch, abuse of that form of love screams the opposite of love.
President Gordon B. Hinckley, former leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed “Mormon Church”), gave one of my most favorite quotes on the evils of abuse.
“Then there is the terrible, inexcusable, and evil phenomenon of physical and sexual abuse.
It is unnecessary. It is unjustified. It is indefensible.“In terms of physical abuse, I have never accepted the principle of “spare the rod and spoil the child.” I will be forever grateful for a father who never laid a hand in anger upon his children. Somehow he had the wonderful talent to let them know what was expected of them and to give them encouragement in achieving it.
“I am persuaded that violent fathers produce violent sons. I am satisfied that such punishment in most instances does more damage than good. Children don’t need beating. They need love and encouragement. They need fathers to whom they can look with respect rather than fear. Above all, they need example.
“And then there is the terrible, vicious practice of sexual abuse. It is beyond understanding. It is an affront to the decency that ought to exist in every man and woman. It is a violation of that which is sacred and divine. It is destructive in the lives of children. It is reprehensible and worthy of the most severe condemnation.
“Shame on any man or woman who would sexually abuse a child. In doing so, the abuser not only does the most serious kind of injury. He or she also stands condemned before the Lord.
“It was the Master himself who said, “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea” (Matt. 18:6). How could he have spoken in stronger terms” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Save the Children,” Ensign, Nov 1994).
Try to find different, positive ways to daily tell your teens you love them in a more adult manner. What about arm wrestling with your son? Try giving your daughter a manicure. A shoulder or back rub after a hard day is always nice. You could even practice the art of reflexology together and get a pretty nice foot massage in the process. If your teen doesn’t care for your expressions of love, have an honest talk and find out what would be okay. This acts as a way to let your teen assert what is or is not okay with him or her, and shows your respect for his/her feelings.
Teenagers whose main language of love is through positive physical touch need to be touched by parents. For some, it speaks more deeply and quickly than all other forms of expression. It can be used to help ease disappointments, to soften harsh words spoken to discipline, and to celebrate the good times.
