I remember well the Sunday in which my son was a puppy all day! He begged (puppy style) for his food on the floor. I was no rookie, so I put the bowl on the floor and patted his head. In his half imagination/half real world he got dressed in unpuppy like clothes and was buckled in a carseat -I do stand on some issues. Then he walked to the door of the church-because although he’s a puppy he doesn’t like pain. He crawled through church. He sat on his paws on the floor during primary. Blessedly his teacher at the ward we were visiting was very understanding because he was a reverent puppy. I stayed in the room, but out of sight to see if my puppy and the class could coexist peacefully. Imagination is a critical and fascinatingly beautiful part of childhood.
Imagination is why I am sensitive to technology use. When a child can still can BE a puppy how likely are they going to be able to deal with a virtual reality? When learning is play, is there play that isn’t learning? In the real world, physics and biology and natural consequences abound. In the virtual world sometimes they are “talking” with Dora and sometimes they are talking with grandma.
We wait until 16 before we trust a young person with a car. There are classes and tests preparing them for this and here in Texas, very specific requirements of how much time they need to drive at night, on freeways, and other challenging situations. Yet we hand the toddler a tablet worth a couple hundred dollars and give them internet access.. We respect the power of fire, of vehicles, of kitchen utensils, yet we hand our child a phone.
Children develop amazingly. They start with absolutely no concept of time and a very spotty concept of reality. An infant can’t detect edges of a bed or couch or stair and doesn’t understand the effects of gravity….add in any computer game there. A young child confuses today and next week with now and never. If you tell them their birthday is not for a while (11 months away) they may be sitting at the table waiting for cake and candles (this was us yesterday, we settled for candles). Add to that-email. How does that work in their understanding of space and time?
Don’t get me wrong, I love the internet. I love being able to have conversation with friends all over the world. I love the speed of an email and the vast amounts of information available. It is so easy to have technology out date our parenting.
Although I love the concept of going completely unconnected, I love people and technology too much to go offline completely. At times when we have tried to go without screens, I have discovered the many frustrations this provides. I suddenly need directions, a recipe, information or my mom. I also get tired and sometimes crave an easy fix . With work and school and family, it doesn’t feel realistic to go completely screen free. We have come up with a way of describing different uses for technology that has helped in our family negotiate technology.
Toy or tool
Are you using the technology as a toy or as a tool?
When I ask that of my children, and myself, I look at the situation differently. Am I using technology or is it entertaining me? Am I spending time, or it just passing by. When we go toy free, we can still draw, write, find recipes, email and use our devices as tools. Work still gets done. This summer we have gone toy free at times. Geometry was studied, books were written, but no one got lost on Facebook or youtube, or level 38 of the game of the day.
When we use technology as a toy, we need to carefully monitor its’ use. Entertainment can enrich our lives. It can be a much needed break and be bonding, gathering time. Or it can divide. It’s subtle. Family members in separate corners on their own screens can be relaxing down time or it can be divisive. I want my children loving and learning and serving. That means limiting toy technology time.
Whenever we go tool only magic starts to happen. The children play outside more. We read more. Conversations happen. Siblings are looking into each other’s eyes. They play games, or make up games. They wiggle more. There is more crating and less fighting.
Yes it’s messier. Yes it’s challenging. There is more noise and chaos when we go “tool only”. But it feels better. Be brave!
I have children of a variety of ages and the littles don’t always understand how going toy free means plenty of screen time for their older siblings and next to none for them. They don’t understand that developmentally they may not be ready for using technology as a tool, just as they are ready to drive a car even when their feet reach the peddles or use knives just because they can reach them. It may feel arbitrary to a child when their sister looks like she loves writing while listening to music (she does) yet that is using the computer as a tool. That looks like play to them.
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It is hard. What part of social media is real connecting and what part play? For me listening to music is using a device as a tool, can it become too much? What about drawing? Can the same website be both tool and toy? Thoughtful technology use is a challenge. We need to consciously choose how we use technology and continually update our parenting. I have found that using the terms toy and tool help our family use technology wisely. Your family may have different needs and a different family culture.
I believe we need common sense and critical thinking updates at least as often as we update our technology. We need to consider development and individual needs when we ponder screen time in our families.
Britt grew up in a family of six brothers and one sister and gained a bonus sister later. She camped in the High Sierras, canoed down the Colorado, and played volleyball at Brigham Young University. She then served a mission to South Africa.
With all of her time in the gym and the mountains and South Africa, she was totally prepared to become the mother of 2 sons and soon to be 9 daughters. By totally prepared she means willing to love them and muddle through everything else in a partially sleepless state. She is mostly successful at figuring out how to keep the baby clothed, or at least diapered, though her current toddler is challenging this skill.
She feels children naturally love to learn and didn’t want to disrupt childhood curiosity with worksheets and school bells. She loves to play in the dirt, read books, go on adventures, watch her children discover new things, and mentor her children. Her oldest child is currently at a community college and her oldest son is going to high school at a public school. She loves to follow her children in their unique paths and interests.
She loves to write because, unlike the laundry and the dishes, writing stays done. Whenever someone asks her how she does it all she wonders what in the world they think she’s doing.
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