One Christmas my mother pulled me aside, holding a small package in her hand. I was surprised, as we’d opened all our gifts and were busying enjoying them.
“Many years ago,” she started, “we were with my grandparents for Christmas. My grandmother gave me this ring. It meant so much to me. I’d just turned seventeen and had never owned anything like it in my life.”
She handed the little box over to me. “After you were born I knew I wanted to give it to you after you turned seventeen.”
The ring was beautiful, and I wore it for many years until it grew too small for my fingers. It now sits in my drawer, and my own daughter asks to look at it every now and again, knowing the story behind it. Though I may not be able to wear it any longer, it still serves as a reminder of my mother’s love for me.
Watch your teens to see if being given a gift lights up their face. Look at how they treasure the items they’ve been given. Check to see if their gifts are given a place of honor in their rooms. If so, your teen most likely feels the most loved when they receive a gift.
Giving gifts is the fifth and final area in my posts on learning how to love your teens. Giving gifts must go beyond Christmas and birthdays, especially if this is the primary way your teen gives and accepts love.
Think about how you felt as a child and teen when it was your birthday. All focus was on you. Brightly wrapped gifts were presented one at a time, everyone anxious to see what new toy or gadget you were about to reveal. What if you could feel like that every time you received a gift?
Gary Chapman, Ph.D., noted family and marriage counselor, encourages us as parents to make any gift you’re giving your teens a big deal. Even if you go out with your daughter to pick out a new dress, bring it home, wrap it up, and let her enjoy the ceremony of unwrapping it with other family members around. This ‘ceremony’ makes the gift mean so much more in the eyes of your daughter. Much more so than if you’d merely brought it home and hung it up in her closet. The love behind the gift is keenly felt.
Of course not all gifts need to be given in front of the family. Sometimes it means just as much when, like my mother did with me, you make the event itself special, private. I often think about what it must have been like for those who were given the gift of sight, or health, or hearing, or whatever from our Savior. Yes, He often performed these acts in front of many people, allowing the love behind His acts to be seen by all. There must have been other times these acts, these gifts, were also given privately. I wonder how full the scriptures would be if we were allowed to know of all the gifts of healing the Lord performed for those He loved – and He loved them all.
Our Savior is perhaps the greatest example of how to present someone with a gift. It was never done by making a deal. He never said, “I’ll take away your blindness if you’ll go to church every week.” He never gave a gift to replace his love, as many absentee parents are wont to do. He gave gifts freely, with many expressions of love, just because. He didn’t need a reason to do it other than He wanted to say, “I love you.”
If your teens acutely sense you love them through gifts, you need to consider the meaning behind your gifts. Are you often gone because of a job or divorce and try to buy your child’s love through gifts? Do you give gifts through bartering for services rendered? When was the last time you gave your teen a gift ‘just because?’
The idea of giving gifts often can make your wallet ache with the thoughts of what this will do to your bank account. We also have to be mindful of keeping our kids grounded, and working hard to keep them from becoming materialistic. Dr. Chapman explains it’s important for our teens to learn to enjoy the ordinary as well as the expensive. Ask yourself if the gift you are thinking of giving truly contributes to the well being of your teen.
If your teen wants something expensive, offer to go in on half of it. Let them learn the value of the money by earning it for themselves. If they can’t get a job, give them extra chores or jobs to do around home and offer to pay minimum wage. When you present them with the money they’ve earned, make a big deal out of it. Make it a part of the gift.
Fortunately, gifts don’t always have to be big and expensive. Consider your teen’s interests. Do they enjoy food? Cook their favorite dinner for them out of the blue. Do they like to read? Buy two or three of their favorite types of books, and present them with one book every two weeks or so. Do they like to draw, or sing, or play sports? Find simple ways to give them gifts relating to these things. Just be certain you’re doing it with all the right reasons, otherwise the gift loses it’s meaning.
Perhaps my most treasured gift isn’t something I was given by my parents at all. At least, not my earthly parents. Those who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, nicknamed the Mormon Church, are given the chance to receive something called a Patriarchal Blessing. One of the main components of this blessing is to know specifically what some of our gifts are. These gifts are not tangible, but spiritual, and can provide extraordinary blessings throughout our lives if we use them righteously. They are gifts that can be increased by using them to bless others.
I am eternally grateful to a Heavenly Father who has blessed all of us with gifts. Not only with spiritual gifts, but with every thing on this earth we have been given. He does it because He loves us. He doesn’t require anything in return. He is an extraordinary example of what it means to love someone through giving gifts.
