“How can I write and write about avoiding over commitment and still find myself having a week like this one?”  I wondered, stymied by my apparent lack of following my own directions.  It reminds me of Alice in Wonderland where she says, “I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.”  This week I actually agreed to sub three extra classes and because I am a youth leader, I am also, by default, the teacher on Sunday.  I ask myself: Why do I allow myself to get so stressed?  What am I thinking?  How will I even manage it?  Why didn’t I “just say no?”

Don’t beat yourself up

The first thing I needed to accept is that I brought this craziness upon myself.  I wasn’t forced to do it. I chose it.  The fact is, that if I look at each thing individually, I know why I signed up.  I actually want to do it.  Questioning my own sanity or berating myself for taking on this challenge isn’t going to help.  Being impatient with myself just takes my attention and energy away from the present.  I knew it would be harder to take on more, and I decided it was worth it.  Decision made, I need to face forward.  

Evaluate how long it will affect you

When I looked at how long these commitments will change my preferred lifestyle, I realized it was just a week.  Just a week that I will willingly have more stress in my life.  It might last a little longer because of the things I can’t complete this week because I am doing that instead.  But, I was happy to realize that because these are not on-going commitments, I don’t need to re-think my entire life or schedule.  This is a short-term inconvenience.  I just need to make adjustments for a while and let my family know so they will understand.  

Keep in mind the compelling reasons you said ‘yes’ and embrace the extra load

If I asked myself, Is it worth it to you to have a stressful week so that your friend can stay with her baby that just had surgery,” I would say a definite, “Yes!”  Is it worth it to you to teach the youth on Sunday so that the normally scheduled teacher can play the piano for the children’s practice and performance?  Again,  “Yes.”  In fact, I love to teach!  There is really not much else I’d rather do.  No wonder I agreed.  I love it.  

What is the problem then?

Preparing for and keeping these commitments will take a lot of preparation time as well as the actual time needed to do them.  My real problem is not that I want to do these things, the problem is what will get left out?  

I stress myself out with expectations that do not go down to compensate.  Somehow I expect to get all my usual stuff done in spite of all these unusual and time consuming additional things to do.  

Decide what to leave out

I used to just believe that because I wanted to do more, I could work harder and make it happen.  In some ways that is true.  I can skip reading and relaxing.  I can sleep less.  But whatever was last on the list would nearly always get sacrificed.  Many nights I’ve gone to bed in tears over the priorities that didn’t happen.  I didn’t really know how to avoid the big disappointment at the end of the day when, in spite of my herculean efforts and good intentions, my family suffered.  

I know now that I just don’t have a whole lot of extra cushion in my life.  I like to work and stay busy. I don’t have hours of play time in my day or week to just give up to help others.  So, I am going to have to do more major cuts to my schedule.  I have to decide what big things I can leave out without harming my family or other, major priorities.  

Literally prioritize: do most important things first

I have never had a day where what I did first didn’t get done.  So, this is the best way I know of to keep my priorities straight.  When I agree to sub or in other ways make commitments, I am agreeing to make it a priority.  So, in order to deal with this week I couldn’t just keep my normal schedule and try to fit it in.  I had to make a new schedule.  I had to figure out when I could also do my other, regularly scheduled activities that were also important.  For example, I made dinner in the morning.  A family meal is very important to me and my family.  Modern conveniences make it easier than ever to literally put first things in first.  Now I know that if I take too long on other things, this will not get squeezed out or be a hurried, stressful time.  A nice dinner will be waiting for all of us at the end of a challenging day.  

Let go of perfection in pursuit of greater purposes

My life will not be an art form of smooth execution this week.  I have already been more stressed, absentminded and tired.  I am working my plan and will just have to see if my plan works.  It could turn out that I was wrong to agree to do so many things this week.  But, if I take one thing at a time, I feel quite sure it will be possible.  

And, possible is key.  It won’t kill me.  It won’t injure me or my family. It is not an on-going pace that would harm anyone.  I can plan to rest more next week.     

I said ‘yes’ because I could make it possible, and because I wanted to.  

If I’m right, the sacrifice will be worth it.

I think perfection and excellence are wonderful ideals.

But if I have to choose, and often I do, I know I’ll take meaningful over perfect.

Being there for you when you really need a friend is more important to me than having a stress-free, simple life.  It is more important to me than looking or feeling good all the time.  I know I can’t live in a chaotic, stressful way constantly and continue to be healthy, happy, and in a position to help.  I know I have to care well for myself.  But, I also can’t begrudge myself the occasional pleasure of a truly good sacrifice.  Missing that opportunity would be like never tasting dessert.  

Am I a martyr (or codependent?)

I wrote a poem to check my naturally giving nature.  I offer it to you:

The Martyr

Selfless, honored sacrifice

for a greater cause,

or when a choice must be made,

risking all to save another.

But not a rule of kindness

to be followed hard and fast.

Constantly a martyr

is suicide at last.

–DSH 2013

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

May you keep your eye on the prize

so that you can easily

recognize a worthy

opportunity

to stress

and say

“YES!”

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson

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