I’ve done toddler tantrums: in stores, in church, at the park…I don’t take them personally. Sometimes the child is hungry, sometimes they need a nap. Sometimes they need to face the very harsh reality that their mother is the worst mother in the world and won’t give them…the THING they want Right Now. It doesn’t phase me much anymore. I’ve had a heap of practice loving a child through a tantrum.
In that process I learned a principle. Parenting is NOT what your child does, it is what YOU do. We like to take credit for our well behaved children. To some extent there is a relationship. When you provide a consistent environment and follow through…along with food and sleep, you will get a better behaved child. BUT there are myriads of things that will affect their behavior that you cannot control. The best parents in the world can have some very exciting children. Perhaps they have medical problems, perhaps they experience the world very differently either with a disability or a unique mental focus like autism. Children come as they are. The best parenting cannot change who they are, but it can help them relate to the world better, as they are.
It’s not that my parenting does nothing. I just don’t parent to change the child. I parent to love the child. In that love they can be the best person they can be…whatever that is.
If I try to change them, I fail. I tend to try to make them into…something, or someone. They need to be themselves. I can choose to provide the best soil possible, but I can’t force a seed to grow, nor can I force a pumpkin from a peach seed.
Reminding myself that parenting is what *I* do, not what my children does helps me act instead of react. It helps me parent for the long run instead of step by step based on what my child chooses to do. It helps me to parent based on love for my child instead of fear of what others think. when I let my child take responsibility for their choices, they can learn. When I take responsibility for their choices, we are stuck. I am stuck in my guilt, and they are stuck in blame. When we both step back and realize where we are, I can take responsibility for my actions and they can take responsibility for theirs…only then can there be change.
This is all easier to see with a toddler. We can look at a toddler in striped pants, a plaid shirt, cowboy boots and a tiara and KNOW the mom didn’t dress that child. We can see a toddler tantrum, and know that happens to great parents too.
How do we feel about the teen?
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We’ve had more time with the teen. We see more of ourselves in them. We think of all of the interactions we’ve had in the past, and see all of our mistakes. We are still not responsible for their choices. When your child does something brilliant, do you think you should get the award? Yes you are proud. You are amazed you are their parent. You are thrilled to be connected with them. You are happy. But is it YOUR success? We don’t see Olympic athlete’s mothers coming up on the platform and taking the medal. Yes they drove their child to practice about a zillion times. yes their genes and example and a million of their decisions that gave the opportunity. But they did not earn the medal. If their success, is not exactly your success, you did not earn that. Why would their failure be your failure?
So Love your children. Celebrate their successes, but do not claim their failures, only claim your own.
Britt grew up in a family of six brothers and one sister and gained a bonus sister later. She camped in the High Sierras, canoed down the Colorado, and played volleyball at Brigham Young University. She then served a mission to South Africa.
With all of her time in the gym and the mountains and South Africa, she was totally prepared to become the mother of 2 sons and soon to be 9 daughters. By totally prepared she means willing to love them and muddle through everything else in a partially sleepless state. She is mostly successful at figuring out how to keep the baby clothed, or at least diapered, though her current toddler is challenging this skill.
She feels children naturally love to learn and didn’t want to disrupt childhood curiosity with worksheets and school bells. She loves to play in the dirt, read books, go on adventures, watch her children discover new things, and mentor her children. Her oldest child is currently at a community college and her oldest son is going to high school at a public school. She loves to follow her children in their unique paths and interests.
She loves to write because, unlike the laundry and the dishes, writing stays done. Whenever someone asks her how she does it all she wonders what in the world they think she’s doing.
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