This article was previously published on Latterdaysaintwoman.com
Many years ago, I was in a difficult place in my life. My father was dying and a lot of other serious things were going wrong all at once. For the first time in a very long time, I found myself struggling spiritually. I had received many priesthood blessings since my conversion that all made one specific promise and didn’t even have anything I had to do to receive it–an unusual thing to happen. However, in all the trials, I lost faith in the promise because it wasn’t, at that moment, easy to see that it was going to be kept this time.
This led me to pull away from God and from anyone who could bring me closer to Him. I built a little wall around myself. I kept going to church, doing my work, saying prayers, and reading scriptures, but I was going through the motions. It wasn’t that I didn’t still know the Church was true or that God was there. It was more that I felt He was upset with me because I had lost faith in a very specific promise. When I was unexpectedly released from a calling and not given a new one, I felt that was proof that God was angry at me.
After a miraculous prayer offered on my behalf at the moment of crisis, a prayer given by someone who barely new me and knew nothing of my struggles, but who felt prompted to offer it, I pulled myself together. I regained the presence of the Holy Ghost, which I hadn’t allowed myself to feel in a long time. I tried to start doing things correctly, rather than just going through the motions. I pleaded with God to forgive me.
Somehow, though, I couldn’t seem to forgive myself, and that made me think that God had not forgiven me, either, that He was angry with me. I struggled to move past that, but couldn’t. Finally, one day I was at the stake building while my children rehearsed for the stake play and saw the bishop there. I asked if we could talk.
I told him everything. I had felt certain I was unworthy of anything at all from God and that perhaps I would need church discipline. The bishop listened quietly as I talked and when I finished, he suggested we find out where I really was by doing a temple recommend interview. When I finished answering the questions, he reached into his briefcase and filled out a new recommend form. He said it was God’s assurance that He loved me and that my lack of faith in a promise for a brief time had not destroyed our relationship.
I came to understand over the coming weeks that a crisis in faith was not apostasy. It was just a crisis in faith. What we do with that crisis is what matters, and my goal had been not to take others down with me or to leave the church. I was not blaming God or anyone else for my problems. I wanted nothing more than to find my way back.
After the interview, the bishop issued me a new calling, one he had already planned, but that simply hadn’t been issued yet. I accepted and he took me to the Stake President’s office, explaining without detail that I needed an emergency temple recommend interview.
To read more articles by Terrie Bittner, please click here.
When I left the church building that day, recommend in hand and a new calling in the works, I understood, better than I ever had since my conversion, that God really loves me. He knows my faith may not be perfect from day to day. He knows I may not always understand why I have to have the trials I face or even why He does some of the things He does. He knows I won’t always face my challenges and faith gaps in the ideal fashion, but if I’m really trying, He’s ready to forgive and to help me move forward.
The late Terrie Lynn Bittner—beloved wife, mother, grandmother, and friend—was the author of two homeschooling books and numerous articles, including several that appeared in Latter-day Saint magazines. She became a member of the Church at the age of 17 and began sharing her faith online in 1992.
