I was talking on the phone to a friend several years ago. We were complaining about our husbands and laughing at what seemed to be universal faults with the sex. I was criticizing my own husband and mocking his faults and shortcomings, repeating the same litany of offenses that women on talk shows and in magazines and books seemed to encounter in their own spouses. Why are men like that? Why can’t he see my more perfect point of view and just do things my way? It’s certainly easier than what he’s doing! My friend and I laughed and marveled at the crazy ways of men.
And then I noticed that my young son was listening to me. I quickly re-evaluated my conversation and what it must have sounded like to him. I had denigrated his father and insulted him as a boy. I realized that I was not teaching him respect for himself, modeling an example of a loving wife and mother or building his self-esteem as a man. In fact, I had done quite the opposite.
As I thought more about it, I realized that the things I had said about men would be absolutely scandalous if it had been a man speaking about women. I would have been utterly outraged. With the rise of feminism and equal rights, women over the years have made great strides at commanding respect and being treated with dignity. But I wondered at how the pendulum has swung so that it was now so acceptable for women to speak of men in such derogatory terms and find it funny.
James E. Faust has said:
There are some voices in our society who would demean some of the attributes of masculinity. A few of these are women who mistakenly believe that they build their own feminine causes by tearing down the image of manhood. This has serious social overtones because a primary problem in the insecurity of sons and daughters can be the diminution of the role of the father image.
Let every mother understand that if she does anything to diminish her children’s father or the father’s image in the eyes of the children, it may injure and do irreparable damage to the self-worth and personal security of the children themselves. How infinitely more productive and satisfying it is for a woman to build up her husband rather than tear him down. You women are so superior to men in so many ways that you demean yourselves by belittling masculinity and manhood.
In terms of giving fathers love and understanding, it should be remembered that fathers also have times of insecurity and doubt. Everyone knows fathers make mistakes—especially they themselves. Fathers need all the help they can get; mostly they need love, support, and understanding from their own. (James E. Faust, “The Father Who Cares,” Ensign, Sep 2006, 2–6)
The Doctrine and Covenants reminds us to “Continue in the spirit of meekness, and beware of pride. Let thy soul delight in thy husband, and the glory which shall come upon him.” (D&C 25:14) I have found that as I try to find ways to be grateful for our differences that I am happier. I see more clearly that I need my husband’s manhood to balance out my womanhood. He has skills and talents and blessings that are gifts to our family and that are different from mine, but certainly not any less valuable. My husband always finds ways to tell our children about the beauty of womanhood and show them that they should respect me as their mother and as a woman. Now I find it very satisfying to look for ways to build up their father in their eyes and to give him deference and respect as a testimony of the high value that I place on manhood.
I have four sons who will be men someday. I want them to marry the kind of women who will love, respect, honor and serve them. That means that I need to be that kind of woman so they know what to look for when they are ready for marriage. Years from now when they have been happily married for most of their lives and have children of their own, I want them to look back on their own childhood and say, “We do not doubt our mother knew it.” (Alma 56:48)
