When my husband and I first got married we lived near my university while I finished up my degree. Around Valentine’s Day, that first year, we heard of a couple’s communication skills workshop being offered on campus. We thought it would be a fun and interesting thing to do. We had no idea that the skills we would learn during that class would bless our lives like it has.
Even now, almost seventeen years later, we cherish the skills we learned during that month-long course when we were very first married. Whenever we have the opportunity to advise young couples getting married, we share some of the pearls of wisdom we learned when we were young. In honor of Valentine’s Day I’d like to share some of those things with you too.
Scientific studies have found that those couples, who rate communication as an integral part of their marriage, are happier in other aspects of their marriage as well. This may primarily be due to the difficulty of working through life’s problems when we aren’t good at talking to each other. Life is hard, and bearing the burden of challenges or trials can be too much to bear on our own. However, if we have made the effort and taken the time to develop an honest and uplifting habit of communication we find we are not alone after all and those burdens become a lot more bearable.In 1993, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (or Mormon Church,) published an article in the Ensign, a Mormon magazine, about happiness in marriage. The article states: “The quality of the communication between husbands and wives, no matter how long they have been married, can be a key to determining whether couples suffer through or savor their marriage relationships” (“Talk about Happiness!,” Ensign, Feb 1993, 20.) It’s also important to remember that the quality or tone of the communication we share is as important as actually having it. Effective communication should build each person up, or at least not tear them down.
Elder Marvin J. Ashton an apostle in the Church, agreed with author John Powell who said, “the genius of communication is the ability to be both totally honest and totally kind at the same time” (John Powell, as quoted in Ensign, May 1988, p.64.) I cannot stress enough the importance of being kind and sensitive in your communications with your partner. Even the slightest suggestion that you are disinterested or that you disapprove of your partner can sometimes make them feel insecure and defensive.
Elder Russel M. Nelson, another apostle of the Church said: “Taking time to talk is essential to keep lines of communication intact. If marriage is a prime relationship in life, it deserves prime time! Yet less important appointments are often given priority, leaving only leftover moments for listening to precious partners” (Ensign, May 1991, p. 23.)
In our class, we were taught to set aside a specific time each day where we could be sure to be free from distractions, so that we could talk and listen to one another. It was important to be able to look at each other. Make eye contact. Smile. Show your partner you are willing to hear what he or she has to say, by wearing an open friendly expression.
Express your thoughts and feelings using “I” statements. Take responsibility for what you feel, rather than saying blaming things like “you make me feel …” Try “I feel unimportant when you spend time after work with your friends rather than coming straight home to be with me.” When you use “I” statements without putting the blame on your spouse, you express your feelings without making him or feel guilty and defensive. It’s a wonderful took for keeping the line of communication open particularly when trying to share those hard things that can so often make us defensive.
The other most important thing we learned is to express your needs clearly and with respect. We enjoyed the example that our teacher in our workshop shared with us: When she was dating the man who later became her husband, she wanted him to take her to see a movie very badly. Every time he came to pick her up he would say “You don’t want to go see a movie tonight, do you?” Because he sounded like he didn’t want to see a movie, like he was leading her or expecting her to say “no”, she said no! It wasn’t until years later when they had both learned how to communicate better that they finally discovered why they hadn’t ever seen a movie together. He had wanted to see one too!
If there is something you need or want say it. A good example would be, “I’d love to see a movie tonight. How about you?” Our partners are not mind readers, as much as we might wish that they were. Tell your spouse what you want in a kind and respectful way. You might find you both desire many of the same things!
These have been just a few of the things my husband and I learned that have helped us over the years. I hope they will help you find happiness in your marriage too.
Marriage, we are taught, “is ordained of God unto man” (D&C 49:15.) Our Father in Heaven wants us to be happy and if He created marriage as a sacred institution for us, I feel confident that it’s purpose is to help us find happiness. Take the time to lovingly communicate with your spouse, take responsibility for your feelings without blaming your partner, and express your needs and wants in clear and kind words. You will find these simple tools to be a real treasure to you and your spouse and, if you practice them regularly, I hope you find they bring you true happiness in your marriage.
