Accept the Unacceptable? Why should I?
As a young college student, I wrote a poem about who I hoped to be. One of the lines read, “self-less and satisfied. Always learning.” It was a tall order and now I look back at that beautiful ideal and see so many challenges embedded in it. I’ve been too self-less at times. I needed to know myself and invest in myself to become my best for others. Although my learning is an innate need, sometimes I’ve not fed my curiosity enough. Other times, I binge. Just yesterday I came home with a stack of library books high enough to question my sanity. I have to laugh at my irrepressible, high hopes. But hardest of all, is that elusive “satisfied.” I am literally afraid of it. Wouldn’t being satisfied mean no more improvement? If I’m satisfied, where would be the motivation to change and forge ahead?
I often feel like acceptance is a completely unacceptable strategy. I don’t take defeat lying down, I fight it. Just give me a mountain and I’ll find my way over it.
Eckhart Tolle said, “You get there by realizing you are already there.”
What? You mean to say there is nothing to work for? That it really is just what it is? People write books and books about acceptance. There is a really good one called, Loving What Is by Byron Katie. How can we do that? When we found out our child had a disability, we didn’t want to hear about acceptance. We wanted a cure! What is so great about acceptance?
I think sometimes we can’t accept what we learn. We need a second opinion. We need to exhaust all our options. We need to try and try again. We need to not quit. But when we have done all we can find to do, sometimes we are faced with accepting what appears to be a fact right now. It feels like defeat. It is, in fact, surrender.
But, I have learned that surrender is not defeat! When we have tested the limits of possibility in every reasonable way, there is a time to stop hitting our head against the same wall. What if we thought about acceptance a little differently? What if, instead of seeing it as the enemy to all progress, we define it as a platform for a pivot, or a foundation for regrouping, reassessment, redirection, and growth?
David Richo, in his book, How to be an Adult, quotes this Zen saying:
“This being the case, how shall I proceed?”
Now that is the type of acceptance I can understand. Like a stairway that takes you up half a flight and ends in a platform, accepting the unacceptable looks like admitting defeat, going nowhere. However, in turning, I find the other half of the stairs leading up to the next floor. We all hit these landings in our upward journey. If we can stop trying to beat the wall, they can become indispensably useful, enabling us to find or build the next part of the stairs.
Sometimes limits are real and may not be temporary. Like a child hates to be told “no,” often we high-achievers are slow to accept reality. And, I’ll be the first to say we should be. One of my favorite sayings I have on my wall is, “You never know what you can do, until you try.” Persistence does move mountains. But, when the mountain doesn’t move, acceptance can be a wonderful way to be at peace with yourself and the planet. Aligning with the truth as it is for now allows us to remake our game plan into something that will work with reality instead of against it.
Although acceptance might be giving up on a hopeless battle, it is not losing the war. It is saving your strength for the ones you can win and watching for a better opportunity, if ever, to try again. It is aligning ourselves with what will work and letting go of what doesn’t.
Eckhart Tolle’s statement,“You get there by realizing you are already there,” is also amazingly true. I have to take a moment to stop fighting it long enough to realize all that is right with the world. So many intangible things that can not be measured are incredibly valuable and right in my life. I am already there. I love the climb and I really wouldn’t have it any other way. It is okay that I haven’t “gotten there” in every way already. I love to seek. I love the chase and the challenge—even though I would prefer to avoid or conquer chronic problems that I cannot (at least for now). Could it be possible that I am also“loving what is?”
My gift for you today is to leave you with the serenity prayer. My mother cherishes it, and alcoholics on their way to freedom and health have it engraved on their sobriety coins. It is a path to both acceptance and improvement:
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Namaste,
DarEll S. Hoskisson
DarEll S. Hoskisson loves to do hard things, but not too hard. She shares her own challenges, goals and experiences as she guides you into a realistic path of self-reflection and self-improvement. She shares tips on how to find, know and trust yourself so you can decide if other’s suggestions are right for you.
DarEll has the world a little upside down—where work is play and play is work. She actually thinks other people’s problems are fun to try to solve and lights up with a personal challenge. She loves people, harmony, and excellence. She also loves useful things like tools and ideas that make work faster, easier and more fun.
DarEll married in 1993 and graduated from BYU (1995) with a bachelor’s degree in English and Secondary Education. Since then she was adopted by 5 children and has worked with many non-profits. She is currently a certified personal trainer and group fitness instructor—leading pilates and yoga at her local YMCA.
DarEll lives in Florida where she enjoys her family, nature, her work, and encouraging people to live well.
She periodically posts her poems, what she is learning, and service opportunities on her personal blogs:
https://personalabridgements.wordpress.com and https://darellhoskisson.wordpress.com
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It made me cry. We all have to learn to accept things we cannot change.
I love the way of looking at it you shared, “This being the case, how shall I proceed?”
It isn’t that we give up – we just stop doing what does not work – that beating our head against the wall, and we move on doing the best we can with what we are able to do. Accepting the truth in stead of fighting against it helps us in the end be more productive and successful.
I still think on this article often – and the quote – 2 1/2 years later!