“Grandma has finally graced us with her presence,” my aunt announced the late arrival with a flourish.  My extended family was enjoying a reunion and several of my aunts were sitting together chatting in lawn chairs with their children nearby.  “Presents?” one of my cousins jumped up with excitement. At least five others quickly followed.  “Grandma has presents!”

I have a T-shirt that says,

“I’m here.  Now, what are your other two wishes?”

I love it because I love to grant wishes.  I love being there, being part of the action or solution to help people get what they want or need.  A popular Christmas song promises, “I’ll be home for Christmas…”  Clearly just being there is a gift to others and also to ourselves.  But, until recently, I never realized what an incredible gift being present can be.  

From the Very Beginning

If you trust people and feel safe most of the time, it could be related to the attentive presence of your mother (or primary caregiver) in infancy.  We hear the “the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” And while that can be argued, recent research into the mystery of attachment strongly suggests that emotional attunement and the actual proximity of your mother (or primary caregiver) in your first three years literally keeps you feeling safe.

As we continue to feel comfortable and comforted, we grow up with an unconscious openness to others and trusting nature that is so natural, it is hard to explain.  So, in a very amazing way, if you were looked after well, that primary person’s presence may still be with with you, may still be a comfort to you subconsciously.  

Attachment is a major issue for foster and adoptive parents and children because it really does affect us.  Attachment is strange because it is invisible, intangible, and yet, like a stained glass window greatly colors perception and what is real to each person.  Perceptions and assumptions are that window that sometimes we can’t see but certainly feel.  An infant’s attachment is based on non-verbal communication and care.  

Who do you call when you are really stressed?  It could be that this person is a primary attachment figure in your life.  

Mothers, are you feeling guilty or awful?  I hope not.  Research suggests that we can also be out of tune with our children and not harm them so long as we repair and recover from our lapses in attention or meeting their needs.  For example, Ruth P. Newton in her book called The Attachment Connection writes about how a mother was watching TV, and because she was paying attention to the news, did not notice her daughter’s escalating cries for attention.  When the mother recognized her child’s need for attention, even though she did not know what she needed or what was troubling her, she brought the child into her lap and arms to comfort her.  This reassured her.  

I loved this example because it shows how proximity made her child literally feel safer and comforted her even though the particular upset was not yet resolved.  There is confidence on both sides, parent and child, that it will be.  This is the beginnings of trust.  It is comfort.  It is safety.  It is being there both physically and emotionally.  It is not being perfect or overly attentive.  

In the Middle

I’m the oldest of nine children.  Because there were so many of us, my mom would often wait until I got home from school to run her errands.  I still remember my complete relief when she walked through the door.  It was a heavy responsibility to keep everyone safe, and I was so happy to hand that weight right back to her.  But, that relief was not just the lack of responsibility, it was also the comfort of her support and presence.  The whole world felt lighter, safer, and happier with her around.  

My husband is very independent and not very emotionally expressive.  So, when I would leave or come home, I couldn’t notice a visible, emotional difference in him.  For years I did not know it had any affect on him.  But, I found out that my presence makes much more of a difference than I ever would have guessed.  When I am gone, life is more stressful for my family.  When I am home, even if I am not doing anything for or with him it is a comfort to my husband.  What a surprise!  What a relief!  

When I thought about it, I realized the same was true for me.  I am comforted by my husband’s presence.  He doesn’t have to do anything special to bring that warmth and comfort to me.  It is just a natural result of him being here.  That helped me believe what he said was true.  Without any verbal or particular behavior, we are a comfort to each other.  We feel safer and calmer, in general, when we are together.  I read in a marriage book that often husband’s do not realize this great comfort until they see their spouse walking out the door with their suitcase.  Then, suddenly, they recognize that their feeling of comfort and safety just left.  I think it is very likely that we all may not realize and certainly do underestimate the power, importance and affect of just being there.  

At The Very End

My grandmother recently called me.  She lives in a assisted living facility.  She has challenges that make everyday self-care a challenge.  I was happy she just called me out of the blue and unfailingly tells me that she loves me.  

What kind of life is this?  To just sit, eat, sleep and start it all over again?  I think we all fear this kind of challenge later in life, one that many of us will most likely experience.  I admire her courage and ability to keep a positive attitude and keep on living come what may!  

What can she do for anyone?  She has a lot of love she can communicate with her voice.  But, what I noticed, while preparing to write this article is that my grandmother, who is hardly mobile and is many states away, is a major comfort to me.  We don’t talk often and sometimes her medicine is too strong or other things make it difficult to talk, but no matter what, come what may, the fact that she is there, here on this earth with me, and I could see or talk to her is such a comfort to me!  I am so blessed by her presence even though she is not physically present.

Being There

That is what I would give to you this Christmas, if I could.  I would be there for you.  And, that is one reason I write so that I can be there for you when I physically can’t be.  You know I’m on this planet with you, and I hope that is a comfort to you.  But, even if it isn’t, because I’m just a stranger on the other end of a technological connection…

Self Improvement- To read more of DarEll’s articles, click here.

Know that you make a difference

Just by being alive

Especially to those that need and love you.

This Christmas, share a gift that keeps on giving…

your presence.

Namaste,

DarEll S. Hoskisson

Related posts:

Love VS Trust A Gruesome Story in the Bible Self Image: Look Upward, Not Outward