We learn in the Book of Mormon that there must needs be an opposition in all things, and dating lives are certainly not the exception to that rule! Last week three fellows were introduced into the mix. Well, the bad news is that two out of three never called. That’s the risk with referrals, sometimes they fall through. (Ask anyone who has even been a full-time missionary) In other bad news, a break will need to be made from the current suggestions you have all offered. (Guess I need to reschedule that trip to Russia!)
While the other two referrals never called, Mr. ACDC has so far not stopped calling. We recently made an agreement to focus only on getting to know each other for a little while. The good news is, the person who suggested being set up is in the lead. The future is unsure so the real winner is yet to be discovered, but for now, being set up has my endorsement.
You know for the past several years I have spent a lot of energy trying to find a man. Now that I have one who is willing to date me, I suddenly realize I’m not sure how to keep one. That is to say, that as much as I wanted this blessing from God I never really had the foresight to know what do with him when I found him. Pretty pathetic huh?
To be honest, the biggest reason I feel I can’t keep a man is that I have a problem with perfectionism. As such, I have a talent for looking at all the reasons why a person isn’t the right one to marry, and therefore I tend to run away before I even give them a chance to date me. As I’ve noticed my weakness I determined to study the doctrine of the topic in order to try to correct my bad behavior. In my search I came across this wonderful quote by Neal A. Maxwell. He said that “The key is to have our eyes wide open to our own faults and partially closed to the faults of others- not the other way around!” This time it is my goal to focus on becoming a better version of myself and to keep my eyes open to all of the amazing potential and goodness right in front of me. After all, he’s taking quite the risk to spend his time with someone as imperfect and crazy as me!
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More good news, even though I’m not very good at dating, I believe the Lord knows I want very much to do what is right, and I am confident that He can help me do this hard thing. It reminds me of a quote from Bonnie Oscarson in General Conference. She said, “Of whom much is required, much more is given.” Some may say dating isn’t a very tough requirement; well for me it is, so what is given? In my mind it is peace, confidence, and power to push myself outside my boundaries.
As you can see, my knowledge of how to keep a man is very limited. Just like I tried your advice to find a man, I am more than willing to try your advice to keep one. I would love to hear any suggestions you have.
New to the quest? Find out how it all began.
Ashley Dewey is extremely talented at being single. Hobbies include awkward conversations with members of the opposite sex, repelling third dates, talking to boys about their girl problems and to girls about their boy problems. In her spare time she also has a very fulfilling school life, work life, and social life.
Besides being a professional single, Ashley is also a BYU graduate with a degree in linguistics (Aka word nerd). She enjoys studying other languages, particularly American Sign Language, and finds most all of them fascinating. She is currently pursuing a masters degree in Teaching English as a Second Language.
Ashley works most of the time and has often been accused of being a workaholic. Currently she works full time as a merchandiser and supervisor in a retail store, and part time doing social media work. On her day off she works (really it doesn’t feel like work) in the Provo LDS temple. The only kind of work she finds difficulty focusing on is house work.
Her favorite activities in her free time are reading, writing, creating social experiments, and spending time with great friends and family. Specific activities with those family and friends include: going to concerts, plays, dance recitals, BYU basketball and football games, and watching sports on television.
Advice on keeping a man… to go along with your post, you can’t expect everything to be perfect! Before and after we were officially dating (and for that matter, married), my now-husband and I had some dates that frankly weren’t so great. And many that were awesome! Thats part of life, being an imperfect person. In the back of your mind you have to think, “OK, so that didn’t go so great. Was that just because we’re imperfect people still learning to understand each other, or is it a deal breaker?” In my experience, often its the first.
I like to start out evaluation questions with the words, “In the eternal scheme of things…” So, “In the eternal scheme of things, will it matter that he has different moral standards than I do? Yes!” “In the eternal scheme of things, will it matter that he leaves his books all over the place? Probably not–we’ll trade if we end up married. I can pick up enough of this books to make the house look livable but not like a reader doesn’t live there, and in exchange, he will cope with my fried chicken addiction.” Then I make sure I have a good attitude about the imperfections. I’ve known many a widow who missed what once annoyed them, so I keep that in mind–imperfections can be charming if we treat them as such. It’s a matter of priorities–some imperfections are awful, but some are just character.
Wow, an open-to-others response is kind of hard, but you are being so open with your thoughts… what could my excuse be? It’s been a very long time since I’ve been “dating”, and the rules are all really weird now (to me anyway), but once upon a time I did do it. DTR’s weren’t even a thing, back in the day. We dated for fun, then it either went somewhere or it didn’t. That’s kind of where I’d start with my suggestion. Let it be fun for a while before you decide anything. Or get out if it’s not fun, as you seem to have done with some of the choices, I can get behind that! I am a firm believer that your relationship should first be a happy one if it’s going to last. Second, give everyone a break like you’ve said, and don’t be too hard on either of you. We are imperfect and everyone is working on things. Later you can decide what you can live with, or not, once you’ve found out if it is fun. When it gets to that certain point DECIDE. Then live with the decision; find joy in it. Don’t need to think “what if” or keep looking around, you chose already.
And if things aren’t working out with the current choices… I’ve always loved the idea of you being a daughter of mine… don’t know how things would be with a certain candidate but, hey! may be worth a try! 🙂
I’d first suggest that you be yourself. Don’t try to guess what he wants, or try to conform to what you think he wants. Admittedly I’m not good at dating, but I’ve seen the results of this kind of subterfuge in the lives of others and it seldom has a happy ending. So be yourself and let him be himself, and see what happens.
My best dating advice is be honest. Travis and I would (and still do) tell each other “to be straight up” when we were having discussions and even if the other person didn’t necessarily say exactly what we wanted to hear, at least we knew they were being honest. I know sometimes this can seem hard because you don’t want to say something that will drive the other person away, but in my experience, being able to be honest and open is one of the aspects of my marriage that I treasure the most.
Thank you all for your advice! Rosie, I really like the honesty you share. Some people try to convince people that they should always be having an excellent time or it won’t work out. That’s just unrealistic! Terrie, I love the eternal perspective you always share! In the eternal scheme of things I think it’s always best to try. 🙂 Lauren, no one is good at dating! I really like your “be yourself” advice… that is something I can be! Easy to apply! Leanna, you and Travis have the kind of relationship I want. I shall practice honesty as the best policy! Thank you for the reminder! Cindy I would love to be your daughter! Your family is amazing! I’ll let you know how this works out… haha
I saw friends of mine go through all kinds of dating rigamaroles, so I decided that when I started to date, I was going to be myself, 100%, and if the guys didn’t like it, they weren’t the guy for me. I found the guy who doesn’t mind if I dance to grocery store music, who thinks I’m cute even when I’m having a bad day, and who supports me in every single thing I do. I can tell him everything and he knows I’m giving him 100% of myself because that’s the way it’s always been. No pretending, no game playing, no trying to be on my best behavior just for him – he gets the authentic me, and he loves that. You deserve someone who loves the authentic you, so make sure you’re showing it all the time.
Thanks Tristi! It is my goal to always be myself, and with practice I find that I am getting better at it. You see, in order to be yourself, you first have to know yourself. As I learn who I am and what I want to be it is much easier to exude that naturally without any concern. It is still a work in progress though, and I appreciate the advice and perspective! Sounds like you found yourself an incredible guy!