As I washed dishes, my mind rehearsed a recent conversation with a friend. She’s an amazingly strong and wonderful woman. She’d recently miscarried and confided a little about her ongoing experience and disappointment. She’s struggled with hormonal swings after the miscarriages and sometimes feels paralyzing grief.
Her struggle felt so familiar. I’m several years further along the journey.
I’ve recently realized that throughout my struggle with infertility I’ve accepted two roles–to help other women struggling with infertility maintain hope and faith, and to help would-be adoptive moms realize that, actually, they want to keep their babies. I have substantial experience with both.
The water poured over my hands as I methodically cleaned a plate, silverware, and a pot. Apparently, the Holy Ghost felt I’d be receptive to lesson time.
My imagination darted to an ancient scene. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego stood before a furious king. They’d refused to kneel to Nebuchadnezzar’s golden idol. The king condemned them to the fiery furnace.
They replied, “If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou has set up” (Daniel 3:17-18).
He can deliver us. But, if not, we will still worship Him.
This is where I am on my personal journey. He did not deliver me from miscarrying, but He stood by me in my furnace of affliction.
It took substantial amounts of time to burn off my prideful will in the furnace. Like 18 years. I couldn’t imagine why such a worthy desire wasn’t the mind and will of God. I lived my life looking over my shoulder at MY unrealized hopes and expectations instead of walking confidently forward attuned to HIS will for my purpose in life.
And, yet, even in the midst of my arrogance and refusal to let go, He stood with me always near, while I prolonged my suffering in the furnace and even when, heartbroken, I questioned Him.
I guess I stayed in the furnace because it was a comfort zone. The pain and suffering was ultimately better than the unknown. In order to leave that furnace, I would have to give up every pre-conceived concept I’d ever imagined for my life. I didn’t know how to exist without the hope and expectation of motherhood. What would I do? And more importantly, without being a mom, who would I be?
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Finally, His Grace enabled me to look through the furnace door, to see that He was the Way. He created a world of possibilities for me. He promised that I could have legacy. He promised me comfort in old age. He said if I would accept Him as my friend, I never need feel lost or lonely.
It’s scary to look forward on the path, instead of backwards—or even running in circles—to the familiar. But it’s finally time.
I am ready. I am excited. I am free. I always believed He could deliver me from the furnace. It took me a long time to realize that He already had.
I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have moved 64 times and have not tired of experiencing this beautiful earth! I love the people, languages, histories/anthropologies, & especially religious cultures of the world. My life long passion is the study & searching out of religious symbolism, specifically related to ancient & modern temples. My husband Anthony and I love our bulldog Stig, adventures, traveling, movies, motorcycling, and time with friends and family.
