Greetings my friends! It’s been a while, I know, but I’ve been making great progress in my life and with my little family! My little family has taken our first real vacation! My daughter flew on a plane for the first time. We went to Disneyland, visited with my oldest brother and his family, and became acquainted with the Emergency Room Staff at Garden Grove Hospital. Everything was wonderful! Well, except for that last part. At least now I know what kidney stone pain is, and how to recognize and prevent it!
The beginning of the year started out hopeful. But by the end of January, I was extremely discouraged. We had lost our seventh baby together. It was the furthest we had ever made it in a pregnancy. I didn’t want to go through another d&c, but the doctor insisted that we do it, because of how far along I was. Our baby was tested again for any abnormalities and we even found out the gender, again. It was the second of our babies that we found out whether we would have had pink or blue booties.
Our baby boy was completely normal. He was very active while in my womb. I’m going to take accountability and admit that I think all my children have acquired my ADHD. They have all been so very active! But it’s been wonderful to know that they played so much in utero, after not being able to see them play in my arms, or in my lap, or with their siblings. Needless to say, I’ve had a difficult time emotionally handling so many losses.
I began late last year, meeting with my Bishop and Stake President to go through the process of taking out my endowments. Though my husband is still not a member, I still feel like it is the right thing for me to do. It has brought me full circle from where I was at the most difficult time of my life. I am also hoping that I will be an example to my daughter. I am trying to teach her to not follow in my footsteps in some things, but then in other things I’m hoping that she will.
I’ve taken the temple preparation classes. I’ve read the manual, and I’ve asked the questions that I’ve needed to. I have taken the time to read with my daughter, and also used the Gospel Library App to use the Family Home Evening books in there. And to be perfectly honest, I’ve even used those books to help me prepare my lessons for Sundays! If you haven’t downloaded that App to your smart phones or tablets, you really need to! Especially, if you have children. It is so helpful!
The second to the last appointment with my Stake President, I asked him about my multiple miscarriages. I asked him if it was indeed true that I will be able to raise those “angel babies” that never took a breath on earth. He said yes! I then began to cry and I asked him, “Why did Heavenly Father let me get pregnant, only to lose them?”
He said in almost a nonchalant way, “They just needed a body.” (And didn’t need to experience the trials and growth that happens here on earth like the rest of us. Their souls were that righteous.)
I nodded and said, “Oh… Okay?”
I wasn’t quite sure how to take that in yet. At this time I was still having a very difficult time comprehending all of my losses. I was trying to decipher whether it was because I had done something wrong, and my Father in Heaven was punishing me by not allowing me to have another baby. Maybe it was because of that time when I shouted at my daughter? Maybe it was because of that one Sunday I popped the bread in my mouth before I had prayed for forgiveness for my shortcomings earlier in the week? I had asked my Stake President if I was being punished, and he assured me that Heavenly Father does not work that way.
I heard it again from a friend of mine last night. She has lost one baby that was delivered breathing, but due to an abnormality, he did not survive more than a few minutes. She went on to have two more beautiful babies and she would love to have more, but has not been able to. She has been told by some that she has to prove herself to Heavenly Father, that Faith without works is dead. While faith and works are both important, Heavenly Father does not base our worthiness for having a baby on our temple attendance, having daily prayer, and personal scripture study. He knows the righteous desires of our hearts, no doubt about it. Without praying and asking Him for them, He knows what is in our hearts.
I believe that our job is to accept what is to be. We are not supposed to show obedience (by paying our tithing, attending the temple regularly and attending church meetings,) only when we want something. We are supposed to be doing these things on a regular basis anyway, and trust that if the Lord sees fit, He will give us blessings based on His timing.
We can pray and let our Father know what we want, or what we would prefer. But we should always be willing to accept what He decides. I want to remind all of you who are reading this that we are ALL loved by our Father in Heaven. He loves us so much, and knows each of us individually! Do not be discouraged in your struggles. Press forward diligently, and be of good cheer.
I'm a Supermom and wife who works full time. I love cooking for my family and friends. But most of all, I love the Gospel and my journey back to it!