My commute this morning was especially horrific. It got so ridiculous that I decided to take note of the drivers around me, and how they ACTUALLY behave. I figure it’s a great lesson for all of us on how to be a more aggressive and terrifying driver. For most of these guys, it’s just how they get to work, so why not?

 

The speed limit is just a suggestion; your car has a gas pedal for a reason. Drive as fast as you can!

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Honestly, I think we need to change the speed limit signs, because during rush hour there is NO WAY you can follow them unless you want to be mowed down by a guy in a huge truck.

 

Today I was tailgated going 10 miles over the limit. And it’s not the first time. I honestly think that people get the biggest trucks they can—the taller and wider, the better—and drive them like sports cars. Because nobody needs to obey laws or have respect for other human beings.

 

This isn’t a commute, it’s bumper cars!

 

How many of us have seen the cars on the road with the totally crunched front end? The one that clearly tells you its driver isn’t afraid to play “chicken” to the very end. They are often the ones driving crazier than the rest. And you just know that somewhere on their dashboard, they are racking up “I survived” medals.

 

You have the right of way because your mom told you that you’re special.

 

I love when people in high-end cars decide the rest of us lowly humans are too beneath them to stay behind us. A BMW jumped into traffic this morning with only a few feet between his front end and the next guy’s bumper.

 

But that didn’t deter him. He was quickly zipping around the guy ahead of him as if he were an offensive bug who needed to be dusted off to prove his dominance.

 

True Jedi drivers don’t look before changing lanes—they use the Force.

 

I saw a guy today changing lanes with a simple glance over his shoulder after he started merging. Forget that you are going 80 MPH, you’ve got the Force on your side. It will scream at you that you’re about to side swipe another guy. So don’t worry! Just start moving and the Force will sweep them out of your path and keep you safe.

 

Multitask! You are only driving.

 

You have at least half of your brain left to call someone, window shop, or gawk at those unfortunate enough to get into an accident.

 

I saw a woman today with a latte in one hand, the children talking to her from the backseat, and a movie playing in the giant suburban she drove—all while she cut off a semi. Clearly, she is multitasking her brains out. And her family will stay safe because the universe respects that level of busy and will award her badges for it. So no worries! Keep multitasking.

 

Play a new game: braking at the last possible second! It will save you time.

 

One guy was clearly about to lose his job if he was late one more time, because he was driving as fast as possible the whole way, only braking when absolutely necessary and at the last possible second. This could also be a case of extreme gas mileage. Because saving gas is more important than letting those around you react in time.

 

Those double white lines are just decoration. Cross them as many times as possible.

 

The same guy playing the “braking at the last second” game was also aware that those double white lines between the commuter lane and regular traffic are just a decoration. Clearly, he has no such use for such frivolous things. Who needs rules when dodging traffic?

 

Blinkers are for sissies! The true test of an excellent driver is being able to jump in front of another driver with no warning.

 

Mr. BMW of the Jedi Force taught me this bit of vital information. Blinkers only warn people what you’re going to do. And you have to keep them guessing as much as possible. It’s must easier to own the road when everyone around you is afraid you’re going to kill them. So keep those useless blinkers off and dance, baby.

 

Change lanes to the beat of the songs on the radio.

 

This one is also for our blinker-less buddies. Dancing is not just for the body anymore. Your car is an extension of you, so express yourself! Those songs have a beat for a reason. Changing lanes to the beat of your songs will not only make the commute more interesting, but it will give you more room on the freeway as other drivers get out of your way.

 

Race till you can tailgate the next car ahead of you.

 

This game never ends, because there is always someone else ahead of you. So scare the guy ahead of you off and then run ahead to the next one.

 

You will be surprised that you can tailgate all the way to wherever you are headed with this handy trick. Plus, you will never have to pay attention to the speed limit because the guy ahead of you will do that for you.

 

If you see blinkers, you MUST get ahead of the person trying to turn.

 

This one is used by any self-respecting car jockey. Any time a car puts on their blinkers to tell you they are coming into your lane, you MUST speed up to pass them before allowing them over. I mean, what if they are slow? They can wait for you! You own the road and have every right to make them miss their exit or get into an accident.

 

To read more of Patty’s articles, click here.

And my personal favorite game—cause an accident without getting into one yourself. If you hear a crunch, you’ve won.

 

To successfully accomplish this zenith of expert driving, you will want to employ the “stopping at the last minute” skill. I also prefer to be unpredictable and stop quickly. The crunch is the satisfaction of knowing someone else has rear-ended someone else, but it wasn’t you. You’re golden!

 

I really hope you can tell this is sarcastic. Jesus commanded us to treat others as we want to be treated, and that extends to the road as well. We need to treat other drivers with the same respect we want them to show us!

Please be safe on the road. And let me make it clear: NONE of these so-called “tips” are a good idea!

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Patty Sampson About Patty Sampson
Patty thrives on all things creative. You’ll often find her in the garden pretending she is a suburban farmer. She loves meeting new people, and is devoted to her friends and family. In her heart she is a Midwesterner even though life has moved her all over the country. She believes in “blooming where you’re planted” and has found purpose in every place she has been. She has a deep and abiding love for the Savior and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And she loves editing LDS Blogs because it is a constant spiritual uplift. Not many people can say their job builds their witness of the Savior.

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