My paternal grandfather was 12 years older than my grandmother. My husband is 12 years older than I. My oldest daughter is 12 years younger than her husband. I know that’s a bizarre coincidence. In addition, my niece married someone several years younger (I don’t remember how many years), and a friend married a man 20 years older. So I have a little perspective on age difference in a marriage.
When my husband and I were dating, everyone we came in contact with thought we were crazy. Friends and family wrote us off as a disaster about to happen. In fact, so much was said about the low chance we had for success because of our age difference that I started to believe it myself. As I continue to write about marriage, you’ll learn more about me, but for now let’s just say that my husband and I had the stormiest courtship on record. I gave the ring back three times. We fought more the year before we were married than we have in our entire 37-year marriage. Most of that contention was caused by listening to the outside voices, rather than delving into the heart of the matter and preparing for the future.
I think I always knew we could make it, but I did have some serious concerns about someday being a widow for a significant amount of time. My grandmother lived 18 years after my grandfather passed away. Since I married when I was 22, I couldn’t imagine being a widow for almost as long as I had been alive. The idea of taking care of him in his old age didn’t bother me at all; it was the thought of being alone for many years after his death.
My grandfather passed away before I was born, but from all accounts, my grandparents had a wonderful marriage. There are many stories about how much fun they had together and how much they laughed together. My guess is that if I were able to ask my grandmother if 18 years alone was worth it, she would say yes. Would I give up one minute of the last 37 years to save myself from being lonely when my husband dies? Absolutely not!
The irony of this is that I now realize that genetics may have something to say about who actually goes first. My family all die in their 50’s and 60’s, while my husband’s family hang around until their 80’s and 90’s. At this writing, I am 59, and my husband is 71. With the exception of his diabetes, which has been pretty well controlled, he is in great shape. He walks 1-2 miles a day, mows lawns (ours and the lawns of other family members), and volunteers his time and energy constantly. On the other hand, I creak and groan every time I get out of a chair.
Our age difference has never once come into play in our marriage. There are reasons why couples connect, and I don’t think age has anything to do with how we communicate as people. My rule of thumb would be that if you can talk on the same level while dating, there is no reason to believe that when you get married a generation gap will suddenly develop. Marriage is all about learning the intricate personality traits of your partner. If you are attracted to those traits in the beginning, there is no reason to believe that they will suddenly evaporate.
As I was thinking about this, I realized that all but one of the men I dated prior to my marriage were older. I didn’t go out looking for older men. As a matter of fact, I didn’t go out looking for men at all. It seems that my personality just seemed to attract older men. Maybe I just have an old soul. Possibly, men my own age were looking for something different. Whatever the reason, I’m glad it worked out the way it did.
One time I was asked if I ever felt like my husband treated me like his daughter instead of his wife. That gave me a good laugh. If I had been looking for a father figure, I would still be looking, because there could never be another man like my very eccentric and weird (in a good way) dad.
To read all of Tudie Rose’s article on marriage, click the picture.
If you are thinking about going into a marriage where there is significant age difference, just keep your eyes open and be realistic about the future. There is a higher likelihood that the younger person will have to care for the older one—but then again, isn’t that what marriage is all about? The older spouse may retire earlier than the younger spouse. Both partners just need to be aware of life changes and adapt. In our case, my husband retired about five years before I did, and I quit working early to make sure we had plenty of “alone time” before he gets too old or sick to enjoy our time together. Just be willing to compromise and adjust accordingly.
“Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations.” ~ Faith Baldwin
Marriage is all about compromise and alterations. Regardless of age, we all need to alter our course from time to time as situations and circumstances change.
Looking at my own marriage, as well as the other marriages I mentioned in the beginning, I can honestly say that age has nothing to do with the compatibility of marriage partners. Hard work is what makes a good marriage; it’s not a numbers game. Every marriage has bumps in the road, and when I married my husband I factored in the possibility of living a long time as a widow. If that turns out to be the case, so be it. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Tudie Rose is a mother of four and grandmother of ten in Sacramento, California. You can find her on Twitter as @TudieRose. She blogs as Tudie Rose at http://potrackrose.wordpress.com. She has written articles for Familius. You will find a Tudie Rose essay in Lessons from My Parents, Michele Robbins, Familius 2013, at http://www.familius.com/lessons-from-my-parents.
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